Eight Months of Winter
by IllyriatheSmurf7
Summary: On an ordinary morning he received the most devastating news of his entire life. After that he is broken. A part of him is dead, and he's slowly losing himself. When, months later, the team makes a shocking discovery, he thinks he has a chance to start living again. What he doesn't know is that, along with that light at the end of the tunnel, darkness is waiting for him.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everybody! So, here is my new story! It's the second one I try to write, so I'm not really an expert but I do my best. I created my account barely a month ago, so I can be considered still a newbie. Moving on, I wanted to try and write something about my favourite couple on TV right now. Yes, to me they're a couple, as you can see I'm a hard Densi shipper :) I just love them so much, so I wanted to try to deal with a fiction about them, let's see how it goes! PS This story won't be related to what they're doing on the TV show: I'm referring to the man Kensi saw through her scope (not saying his name to avoid any spoiler). I have to warn you, English is not my first language but I think I'm improving, let me know your opinion. Any kind of review, response, advice, or constructive criticism is more than welcome. Just let me know what you think about it. That said, I give you the first chapter!**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Henrietta Lange stared blankly ahead of her, phone handset still against her ear, as she was trying to process the information she had just received. The phone call had ended long ago, but she was still in shock. This shouldn't have happened. She had caused this, she had put her in that situation. Her mind was empty, she could only think about what she had just learned. It had happened again. She had promised herself that something like this would never repeat another time, yet she had failed, and this time it was all her fault. Because she was the one who had sent her there.

She didn't know for how long she sat in her office in complete silence, the tea she had poured herself slowly becoming cold. It was when she noticed the blonde man sitting at his desk that she understood she had to act. So she called Mr Beal through the intercom and told him to gather everyone in OPS, everyone but him. She wanted to speak to him privately. She finally got up and approached him. Had the situation been different, she would have laughed at his louzy attempts to hide the fact that he was taking selfies to send to... his partner. Once he saw her he sprang from his seat, putting rapidly away his cell, and acting casually.

"Jeez, Hetty. Always sneaking up when you don't expect it, uh? You're like a ninja. We should definitely get you a bell to wear around your wrist next Christmas, what d'you say? It would be a perfect gift... for everybody's sake." Seeing she wasn't smiling he straightened up and cleared his throat, trying to be professional. "Nope, no. Totally joking. Ok, well I heard Eric whistling so maybe I should get going, yep... so if you're cool with that I would..."

"Mr Deeks." She interrupted his babbling. "You weren't paged, you don't have to go upstairs. May I ask you to wait for me in my office? There is something we need to discuss." He looked at her with a confused expression on his face.

"Well, uh... ok. Just, is everything ok? Did I do something wrong?" Hetty didn't answer. She simply stared at him with a look that he couldn't read and then turned, heading towards the stairs.

"Wait for me, Mr Deeks. I'll meet you in minutes." He stood there for a few moments, then he sighed and moved to her office. He had no idea what was happening, but he knew better than questioning his boss. If she had paged everyone except him there had to be a reason, no matter how obscure. Besides, half the time Hetty's behaviour didn't make any sense to him, so he had simply stopped asking, also because he knew he wouldn't have received any answer if she wasn't inclined to give them to him. He had to accept this weird situation as it was, and wait for her to explain. Inside the office, he sat on a chair, twiddling his thumbs, not really knowing what to do. In the end boredom got the best of him and he started snooping around, observing the stuff on her desk and sniffing the strong scent spread by her collection of exotic teas. He got intrigued by the tea-cup on top of the desk, still half-full. Knowing Hetty, he immediately thought that it was strange for her not to finish her favorite drink, it wasn't like her.

He was lost in his thoughts, trying to figure out what that only apparently normal tea-cup meant, when his attention was drawn by the sounds coming from upstairs. Someone was obviously shouting, it seemed like Callen and Sam, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. Suddenly he saw Nell running out of OPS, tears running down her face, quickly followed by Eric, who was telling her to slow down. What the hell was going on? He was focused on the two analysts, whose behaviour had completely shocked him, so he didn't notice that Hetty had once again come down the stairs and was startled by her sudden appearance.

"Hetty! God, stop doing that. What... What is going on? Why is Nell crying? Did something bad happen?" He looked at her and was baffled by what he saw. Her face, usually so hard to read, was now sporting a very clearly sad expression. He could easily spot the sorrow in her eyes, and if Henrietta Lange was so upset something definitely worrying had happened.

"Mr Deeks, would you please sit down?" He hesitated for a moment, but then complied. Once she took her place on the other side of the desk, he waited for her to explain the situation, but he was starting to get very impatient, as she more then once had opened her mouth to speak, but had always stopped. Deeks didn't know that this was because she didn't trust herself enough to speak, because she was afraid that she would break down once she started talking. In the end, she took a deep breath and finally addressed the concerned man in front of her.

"I'm going to have to ask you to listen to me very carefully without interrupting me, do you understand?" Deeks just nodded. This was getting weirder and weirder.

"You know your partner was assigned to a classified mission in Afghanistan during these months."

"I know that, yes." He didn't understand why she was talking about Kensi now, but he remembered what she had said about interruptions and let her go on.

"Well, her assignment was to find this highly dangerous terrorist, known as the White Ghost and take him down." Why was she telling him this? It was classified information, he wasn't supposed to know. He suddenly had a feeling that something really wrong was going on, and a sense of fear started creeping up on him. He didn't like where this was going, not at all.

"I received a call this morning, from vice-director Granger. Yesterday they got intel about a possible White Ghost's hideout. Ms Blye and CIA agent Sabatino were sent there to complete their mission but, their information proved wrong. It was... an ambush." Deeks stopped breathing. She wasn't telling him what he thought she was telling him. It couldn't be. Slowly he started connecting the dots. Hetty's odd behaviour, the shouting he had heard before, Nell running away crying. Rationally he knew where this conversation was heading, but he couldn't think about it. He had to deny it, it wasn't possible. He just had to wait for his boss to tell him that, after all, everything was fine. Yes, it had to be like that. The alternative was... unthinkable.

"Ms Blye and Sabatino found themselves surrounded by enemies. She was in contact with Granger the entire time, so she reported when Sabatino was fatally hit, minutes after the shooting had started. Granger said she was managing to fight them off when... when their reinforcement showed up with RPGs. They engaged and... they destroyed the building." Deeks shot up from his chair and started pacing back and forth, shaking his head. It wasn't true, it wasn't.

"No. No no no. I know you like to make fun of me most of the time, but this isn't a cool prank, so let's just stop it ok? Because this is a prank, this is a joke, right? You are not really telling me that Kensi is... I wanna speak with her. Give me a sat phone or something, I need to know that she's ok, I need to..." His voice was breaking, he was taking short, ragged breaths and he could feel tears starting to burn behind his eyes. He hadn't cried since that day in hospital after the tortures he had endured, but he didn't seem to have any control on himself. He couldn't bring himself to accept what had become so obvious, his brain couldn't process what he was hearing.

"Mr Deeks, Granger told me he lost every contact with Agent Blye after the explosion. There is no way that..."

"She could still be alive!" He was screaming now, unable to restrain himself. "I would know it, Hetty. If she were... I would feel it. Yeah, maybe they lost contact, but she could still be there. You have to put together a team and go rescue her. You have to provide her with backup, you can't just leave her. I can't..."

"Mr Deeks. There is nothing to do. That location was right in the middle of a red-zone. A team was sent to survey, but they couldn't get close enough, too dangerous. They could simply observe from afar, but it was reported that the place was completely burned to the ground. It's not possible that... that someone survived." He stood still, in the middle of the room. His mind went blank. He felt his throat constrict and blood ringing in his ears, as her words finally sank in and realization hit him full force.

For a moment Deeks' entire world stopped: he stood motionless, not feeling anything at all, a hand covering his mouth in shock and disbelief, staring into nothing with his eyes red with unshed tears, unable to do anything. After that instant passed though, he started feeling again. And when it happened, he wished he could have stayed numb forever. Yes, because he felt like someone had stabbed him right in the heart and was now continuously twisting the knife, causing a pain he had never experienced before. It was indescribable how much it hurt. He started clenching repeatedly his jaw, as shakings took control of his body. Looking at his boss Deeks felt, added to the unbearable pain that was consuming him, an unsurmountable rage growing inside of him. His breathing quickened as he tried to suppress that anger that was rising unstoppably, but he wasn't able to keep it together any longer. All those feelings, all those emotions eventually overcame him and he exploded. He slammed his fist on the desk, violently throwing on the ground the first things within arm's reach.

"You sent her there! It was YOU! You took her away from me with no reason! And you sent her in that hellhole! If you hadn't done it this wouldn't have happened. She would still be safe, she wouldn't be..." He lifted the chair where he was sitting minutes ago and with all his force he smashed it on the floor. Hetty didn't stop him. She just let him vent out his anger. She knew this would happen, that he would lash out against her, and deep down she felt like she deserved it. Everything he was saying was true. She had sent her agent on that deadly mission, she had caused this. Also, she had broken her vow not to lose another agent. And having to face her responsibility, her guilt, was short of unbearable.

Deeks kept screaming and shouting for a while, totally falling apart. In the end though, it all became too much for him and, completely worn out, he collapsed on the ground. Slowly the anger faded away, replaced by a feeling of sorrow and emptiness. He crouched there on the floor, head resting on his knees, trying and failing to choke back the sobs. He didn't want to believe this was really happening. In those months he had often dreamt about Kensi: if he had a nightmare, it was centered on her being in danger, and him unable to help her. That's why a part of him still prayed that this was just that, just a dream and that he would wake up to find a brand new photo of his partner on his phone, letting him know she was ok. But this wasn't the case. This wasn't a nightmare and she wasn't ok. Denying it would only make everything more painful.

Eventually he raised his head and stared at the woman in front of him. Seeing that her eyes were watering as well didn't give him any sort of comfort. Sniffling, his voice broken and wavering, he finally found the strength to speak.

"Say it, Hetty. I need to hear it. I need to know it's true."

"Mr Deeks..."

"Say it!" He cut her off. Hetty wanted to find something to say that could be helpful, but she knew it was useless. Nothing she could ever say would have mattered to the man crouched before her eyes. So she sighed heavily and complied, saying those three words. It was all it took. Three simple words to break him definitively.

"Kensi is dead."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everybody! Thank you so much for your response! You were absoultely amazing and I'm so grateful. Your comments really made me happy and, wow! Already 18 followers with only one chapter! I'm blown away, seriously. So, here is the new chapter. I saw someone was wandering about this. Yes, I'm planning on writing more of this, in fact this is only the beginning. So, with no further ado, here's chapter 2.**

**As always, enjoy, comment and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Sipping his coffee, Deeks started nervously tapping his thumb on the car-wheel. He was getting really tired of waiting. He didn't want to stay there any longer. He had been stuck in his car for three hours now, hidden in a parking lot during night time, hoping for the meeting to begin. They had been investigating about an organization of illegal weapon smugglers that were doing business with dangerous terrorists and finally, after days of surveillance and investigation, they had managed to track down the big fishes, the ones at the head of the group, and their buyers as well. They had found out that an exchange would have taken place that night, in two possible locations, so they had split up in two teams, ready to catch them. They had to take advantage of this one-time chance.

Deeks was starting losing his patience, though. He was getting really frustrated, probably also because he was sick of hearing the man sitting next to him talking.

"...and after losing the bet I get dragged into this club. At that point I'm so drunk that I don't even realize that it's not an ordinary bikini bar. Once there, they push me into a room and there's this really hot dancer waiting for me. The part of me still trying to focus starts wondering why those idiots chose to get me a lap dance as a penance. I mean, lap dances aren't a penance, right man? However, I'm so wasted that I stop caring, so I start relaxing when the one that was supposed to be a _she _drops the nightgown and the underwear and I see that 'she' has one of the biggest..."

"We're on a mission, Carter." Deeks cut him off. "I don't care about lost bets or gay bars. We need to stay focused." Carter got quiet, staring at the blonde agent with an expression both offended and resigned. He was trying to do all he could, giving his best to try and create a connection, but he just kept driving his head into a wall. He heavily sighed, disheartened, dropping his head against the headrest of his seat.

"Look man, I'm doing everything I can to make this work, but it can't go on like this, don't you get it? You just keep pushing me away. I basically don't know anything about you and it's ok, I'm a private person too, but it's different. It's not like you don't wanna talk about some things, you don't talk about anything. Ever. We've been in this car for hours and you barely said a word to me, then you get annoyed if I try to break the ice. It can't be this way. We're supposed to trust each other. It's essential, we're partners." Deeks slowly turned to face him after he said that. He had a look on his face that was making Carter feel really uncomfortable. He also noticed that he had stopped tapping his thumb, sitting now really still, almost too still, while the vein on his neck was throbbing visibly. Just staring at him.

Carter couldn't understand how Deeks was feeling, how wrong those last words sounded to him. He subconsciously lowered his hand and started fondling the knife hanging from his belt. No, Carter was wrong. He wasn't his partner, he would never be his partner. Deeks opened his mouth to speak when lights and movements caught his attention.

"They're here. This is the right place."

"I'll let Callen and Sam know. They can be here in fifteen minutes." Deeks didn't acknowledge what Carter had just said. He was focused on other things. He saw multiple black cars stopping in front of the warehouse, and finally identified their targets: Jordan Tobin, the trafficker, escorted by a dangerous looking man, probably his bodyguard, and Zemar Qaderi, the buyer, who had brought with him a boy who couldn't have been more than 20. Taking a quick survey, Deeks counted approximatively 9 armed guys entering the building. A minute or two passed when he noticed something that made him worry.

"Hey, do you see it?" He called Carter, who had no idea what he was talking about. "Two drivers are still in the cars, they left the engines running. Which means they will be out really soon, they're not planning on taking too long. Our timing is wrong, we have to go inside, otherwise they'll run away." Carter looked at him completely shocked. He couldn't be serious. What he was proposing was suicide.

"Are you out of your mind? We can't do that. There's too many of them, we're just two. No, we have to wait Sam and Callen, they'll bring back up and then..."

"By the time back up is here they'll be long gone. We can't miss this chance. Are you coming with me or not?" Deeks could see shock and a slight hint of fear in the dark eyes of the other agent. He knew he thought it was crazy, but he didn't care at all. He wouldn't force him to follow him.

"Do whatever the hell you want. I'm going." With that he silently got out of the car. Carter tried to stop him, but when he realized it was pointless, he mentally cursed and followed him outside. They split up, Carter covering the front, ready for whoever would come out, and Deeks the back. They moved in full stealth mode and Deeks managed to arrive in position unseen. He got inside the building and, from a hidden spot, he saw the criminals proceeding with the exchange. He had been right, waiting a little longer they would have missed them. Once he got visual confirmation, he knew he could act. So he took a deep breath and came out of his hiding place.

"Federal agents! Nobody move." Yeah, like they would listen. As soon as he revealed himself all hell broke loose. Deeks just waited for them to fire the first shot, then he responded to fire, taking down six guys all at once. Seeking refuge behind a rack, he waited for them to empty their clips, then he came out and started shooting once again. With the corner of the eye he saw Qaderi and two of his thugs running towards the main entrance, in an attempt to escape: he didn't worry, knowing Carter was waiting for them, but that caused him to lose concentration and a bullet grazed his arm. The sudden pain made him focus again and he fired three quick shots, making Tobin's bodyguard drop on the floor dead. The trafficker, who had been hiding behind his goon, seeing he was now alone tried a desperate move and raised his gun, but Deeks was much faster and hit him first, a bullet to the shoulder and two to the legs, leaving him curled on the ground moaning in pain.

Thinking the situation was now under control, Deeks took a long breath and started heading to the door, to see if Carter needed help, when he was startled by a bullet passing right next to his face. He rapidly turned around and then stopped. Standing before him was that kid he had seen with Qaderi.

"D-Don't move..." He was shaking really hard, gun unsteady in his hands, and it was obvious to Deeks that this boy had never found himself in a situation like this, and he certainly had never killed anybody before.

"It's ok." Deeks said calmly, taking a slow step forward. "I'm not a danger, you see? I'm out of ammo, you're holding the gun, I can't do anything." The boy raised his gun, seeing Deeks coming closer and closer to him.

"I said don't move! I'm not kidding! Stop moving or I shoot you."

"I believe you... So do it. You're totally in control of the situation, shoot me." They were now face to face, barely an arm between them. From here the agent could see the tears in the kid's eyes. He was scared out of his mind.

"It's easier than you think, you know? You simply have to pull a trigger. From here you can't miss. Come on, a bullet right in the middle of the chest." The boy shook his head in fear and confusion.

"Are you crazy? You want to die?!" Deeks didn't answer, instead he took another step forward.

"Shoot me." Was all he said, looking at him straight in the eyes. _Shoot me, damn it. Please. _For a moment everything stopped. It was just the two of them and the gun between them. They stood there not moving, one in front of the other, unbelievable tension filling the room. Then, in a matter of seconds, the situation completely turned around.

Someone from outside started screaming Deeks' name, breaking both of them out of their trance, like someone had popped the bubble they were in. However Deeks was the first one to recover and, taking advantage of the kid's distraction, he knocked the gun out of his hand and hit him straight in the face, knocking him unconscious. He then released a breath he didn't know he was holding, both relieved and disappointed, but he pulled himself together and proceeded to cuff both him and Tobin, making sure that they had no way to try to escape.

Once he did that, he walked outside of the building, to assess the situation, but instead he was greeted by an unexpected punch in the eye.

"You're a sick son of a bitch!" The initial shock passed, he realized that he had just been hit by Carter, who was screaming at him, trying to get free from Sam's unbreakable hold.

"Are you nuts, Carter?" Deeks said moving angrily towards him, only to be pushed back by Callen, who whispered him to stay calm.

"I'm nuts? You're freaking insane! I've had enough of your bullshit! You dragged us into a crazy gunfight that could have gotten us both killed, just because you couldn't wait five more minutes for backup! No, you had to go inside and act like freaking Terminator and look what happened! I got shot and one of our targets is dead!" For the first time Deeks noticed that Carter was bleeding from an ear, and turning around, he saw the lifeless bodies of Qaderi and his two men.

"You killed him?" He asked.

"Yeah, no shit. They started shooting at me like crazy. You see this?" He pointed to his ear. "This is a bullet that almost hit me straight in the head. I had to defend myself, I was more focused on not getting gunned down that on being careful not to kill Qaderi. But still, the fault for this mess is definetly not mine!"

"Easy Rambo" Deeks was so bored with his incessant complaining. "There are far worse things that getting a bullet. I got shot too, see? And I'm not making a scene like you are. Besides, I managed to take my target alive, can you say the same?"

"I'm gonna kill you, you motherf..."

"Ok, enough! Knock it off, the both of you!" Callen interrupted their quarrel, then addressed his partner. "Sam, I've got this covered. I'll take care of things here. You take these two to base. Hetty will want to speak to them." Sam nodded and basically pushed the two men inside the car.

The ride back home was awfully quiet, Carter using all his energy to contain his anger, Deeks lost in his thoughts, not really caring about the situation at all, and Sam worrying about the man sitting next to him. It had happened again. After this, he was pretty sure he could guess the following unfolding of events. When they finally arrived, they found Hetty waiting for them.

"I was briefed by Mr Callen. Can you tell me what happened, gentlemen?" Deeks leaned against the wall, with his arm's folded, just waiting for Carter to snap again.

"What happened? What happened Hetty is that you have a loose cannon on your team. I don't know why you don't send him away. He can't be controlled, he's a danger."

"Mr Carter, please." Hetty stopped him. "Mr Deeks has proven to be one of our best agents, and who is part of this unit is my concern, not yours." Carter was shocked by what he had just heard. How could she defend him after that night?

"Well, it becomes my concern when _his_ actions put _my_ life on the line. He acted recklessly and almost got us killed." Hetty sighed heavily and tried her best to calm him down, already knowing that it would be a failure, though.

"Listen Jason, I know Mr Deeks has a different way of working but..."

"No buts." Carter couldn't do this anymore. "It's not just the way he works. It's him. I've been here for more than two months and he's a stranger to me. There's no trust between us, but I tried. I tried so hard to establish some sort of connection, always fruitlessly. I was really happy when I accepted this job, I felt honored to have the chance to work for legendary Hetty Lange and with her team, but now... now I'm done. This isn't working. I can't have a partner whom I can't trust." He turned around and stared at the blonde man, seeing his eyes distant, like he wasn't even listening.

"You know what really drives me crazy, Hetty?" He chuckled sadly. "That he doesn't give a damn about all of this. And most of all that you keep defending him, even though I can't understand why." Deeks looked at him for a moment and then, just like that, he left the room, heading to their gun room.

"Yeah, exactly." At that point Carter lowered his head, resigned, then addressed the woman with a small voice. "I'm sorry, Hetty. I, I just can't. I'll let you have my resignation paper tomorrow." She simply looked at him with an apologetic expression on her face.

"I'm sorry Mr Carter."

"Trust me, I am more." With that, he turned and walked out. She stayed where she was for a few more moments, watching him leave, a sense of disappointment invading her. She had been really hopeful this time. He had lasted much longer than the others. She still remembered the first one of the agents she had tried to pair up with Deeks. He had lasted 8 days. Carter was only the last one in a long list of failed attempts. But when the second month had passed, she had actually started to believe that things were going better. She should have known that, just like with any other agent, it was just a matter of time.

Coming out of her thoughts, Hetty sighed and moved to join Deeks in the gun room. She found him concentrated on dressing the wound on his arm. When he heard her come in he barely lifted his eyes, to acknowledge her presence, but kept treating his injury. Hetty simply looked at him, asking silently what had happened this time. It certainly wasn't the first time that she'd had to deal with something like this. Understanding what she wanted from him, Deeks stopped what he was doing.

"Waiting for backup would have meant losing them. My line of action was more risky but successful. We have Tobin in our custody. Qaderi is dead, but I arrested this kid who was with him. I pretty sure he's a relative of the terrorist. He can be useful to us." He explained. After pausing for a moment he went on. "In these months I always did my job. I always got his back. Getting into gunfights is part of this job. If he's not ok with that, maybe he should choose another career." He got up from his chair, ready to leave, but Hetty stopped him.

"Mr Deeks, it can't go on like this. Carter was one of the agency's top agents, you were working well tog..."

"We weren't working well." He cut her off. "I told you Hetty. I tell you the same thing everytime you pair me up with someone new. He wasn't my partner. None of them was my partner, and I don't want one. Not anymore. I work alone."

"Well, I can't allow that!" She had suddenly raised her voice. Why did he have to be so stubborn? "I can't allow you to go out alone, acting recklessly, risking your life. Do you think I didn't notice your behaviour? Do you think I didn't notice that, when you have to make a tactical decision, you always go for the hard one? The most dangerous one? The one that more probably can cause you to get a bullet?" She took a long breath to regain her coolness.

"There are people who care about you. Don't waste your life, Mr Deeks. Think about that, I'll give you tomorrow off."

"I don't need any..." He tried to protest but she was inflexible.

"Take tomorrow off. Use it to clear your head." She observed him clench repeatedly his jaw in frustration, as a hand tightened around the knife's handle. Noticing that, her tone softened.

"You have to try, Mr Deeks. You have to move on, it's time. It has been eight..."

"You think I don't know how much time has passed?" He interrupted her harshly. "You think I've forgotten how long it has been?" He closed his eyes, drawing a breath through his clenched teeth, trying to pull himself together, then he opened his eyes again staring into nothing, his tone really low.

"Maybe it's you who has forgotten, because it has been _more _than eight months. It has been 254 days, that is eight months, one week and four days. I don't need you to remind me this." His voice was cold and detached, but Hetty could see the whirlwind of emotions behind his eyes. She could clearly see how hard it actually was for him to talk about this, even after all this time. He was wounded in his soul, and she wasn't sure he would ever be able to heal.

"Mr Deeks..." She wanted to say something helpful, but he didn't give her the chance.

"If you're done Hetty, I'm going now. I'll see you in two days." He started walking out but stopped after hearing her.

"What would she think? Kensi wouldn't want you to be like this." He stood still, frozen in his tracks. For a second he remained silent, then, without even turning, a single whisper left his mouth.

"Kensi can't think anything. She's dead." With that he left, Hetty didn't try to stop him this time.

He got out of the building, stopping just for a moment to revel in the cool breeze of the night, then he started walking away. He totally ignored his parked car: he had no intention to go home and be alone with his thoughts, he needed a distraction. Walking down the street, no destination on his mind, he replayed the conversation that they had had minutes before.

_Clear your head... Move on... It has been eight months... _How could Hetty say those things? How could she think that there was even a chance that he could forget how much time had passed? He remembered every single day of those eight months. He clearly remembered the day she had given him the news, the day he had stopped living. It was still beyond his comprehension how someone could pass from complete happiness to total despair so rapidly. Even when they were separated, he was happy, because he knew that sooner or later he would hold her again in his arms, he had something to hold on to.

_"Our thing" _No man on Earth had ever been happier than him in that moment, when she had uttered those two words. It was a promise of something unknown and beautiful to both of them, and it was what he would focus on while she was away. Now, he couldn't even bear to think about it, it was just too painful, and it was a memory belonging to another life, to another man. Everything that had happened had changed him. He had retreated in himself, becoming cold and detached, to try to escape the pain and suffering that were eating him alive. After the first attempts of making him go back to his old self, of getting him to open up so to be able to overcome the grief, the team had stopped trying. They had realized that the old, playful Deeks was gone and so they had accepted this new, broken version of him, without trying to push him anymore.

In the beginning, he had even thought about leaving his job at NCIS. Going to work and feeling her absence everywhere was simply unbearable, but a part of him had stopped him, telling him that doing this would have let her down. So, he had chosen to do the exact opposite. He had finally signed his NCIS application form, had managed to pass the mandatory psych eval and, after completing training, he had become an NCIS agent. One of the best. He had thrown himself into work more than anyone else, succeeding in missions considered too crazy or dangerous by anyone, all in the desperate attempt to try to find something to take his mind away, to make him stop feeling all those excruciating emotions. Yes, because on top of all that pain, on top of all those terrible feelings, he couldn't help but be tormented by a crushing sense of guilt. He felt that, if he had been more professional, if he had acted with his head, like she had asked him, if he had followed her warnings, Hetty wouldn't have sent her away, and she would have been alive now. And so, every though of her, everything related to her, that would have previously brought him so much joy, now had become nothing but a torment.

And yet he kept torturing himself, clinging to those things connected to her. Her knife, that he would always bring with him, the box, still unopened, the picture of them hidden inside his wallet. He couldn't let them go. He couldn't let her go.

_"Kensi wouldn't want you to be like this."_ Thinking about that suddenly made him angered. How dare Hetty use her against him? He had stopped blaming her months ago, but still, in days like this, he couldn't help but feel that, like him, she was responsible too. Responsible for the fact that he didn't have a partner anymore. Responsible for having been forced to tell a mother that her daughter was dead. Responsible for the fact that he'd had to carry an empty casket because there had been no way to retrieve the body. Responsible for the fact that his reason for living was gone forever.

He passed a hand on his face, rubbing his eyes to try and drive away those thoughts. Looking around he realized he had been walking for a really long time, and was now miles away from home. Suddenly, his attention was drawn by noises coming from the other side of the street, and moving forward he spotted a bar, not far from where he was. Instinctively he headed that way, entered the loud club and, once there, he took a seat and started ordering drinks, seeing it as the perfect way to cloud his mind and not think. It wasn't the first time he had acted like this after a particularly bad day.

He didn't know how much time passed, the alcohol burning down his throat he only thing he was aware of, but a certain point he heard a voice next to him. It took him a moment to realize they were actually talking to him.

"Drinking alone?" He turned and saw a blonde girl with a very malicious look on her face smiling at him.

"Uhm... yeah, that was the plan." She ignored what he had just said and sat next to him.

"Well, a pretty boy like you should never drink alone. Bartender, another one." She gestured for the barman to bring him another drink.

"So, something tells me you had a bad day."

"You can say that." He mumbled, emptying the shot glass in front of him.

"You don't like to talk much, do you?" She laughed. "No, you're more an introspective guy, you like to come here, all alone, and drown your sorrows into alcohol." He looked at this stranger, who was doing a really poor job at hiding her intentions towards him, shamelessly flirting with him, even offering him a drink to get what she wanted. The thought made him chuckle. She definitely wasn't like her.

"What are you drinking by the way?" He lifted his empty glass, not really sure what to answer. He couldn't remember what he had ordered. He was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to answer even if he hadn't been so drunk. When he had sat at the bar it hadn't mattered to him what to drink. So he looked at her and smiled sadly.

"Anything that makes my mind go blank. Anything... to make me forget." In his drunken state he didn't notice that she was coming closer to him.

"And what do you want to forget?" He paused before answering, biting his lower lip. He wasn't clear headed and didn't know how they had gotten to that point. He had come in here to stop thinking and now he was finding himself talking about her.

"A lot of things. Today, the last eight months... a girl." At that she smiled seductively.

"Oh, of course. It's always about a girl. Well, let me tell you something, baby. A guy like you should never be sad for a girl. There are thousands around that are just..." She put a hand on his thigh and started rubbing small circles. "That are just waiting for you..." He couldn't focus, too intoxicated by the drinks and by her perfume, that he could clearly smell now that she was so close, and that was numbing his senses. Seeing that he wasn't making any resistance, she boldly leaned toward him and with a lascivious tone she started whispering in his ear.

"Let me make things better baby... I can help you more than you can imagine." His eyes started burning, he wasn't actually sure it was for the drinks, as he felt himself starting to break. He despised himself for even taking in consideration what this woman was offering him, but there was still a part of him, deep down inside of him, that was relishing the idea of spending one night of oblivion, of having the chance to dull his senses and emotions. He stared into the green eyes of the stranger, so different from hers, so less intriguing and fascinating.

"Can you do that? Can you make me forget?" He asked, his voice faltering. She grinned, knowing she had won.

"Oh baby, you have no idea. Just try me..." Deeks tried to focus, tried to think clearly. In reality he didn't want to do this, this woman meant nothing to him, and he didn't even feel attracted to her. It wasn't that to tempt him, it was the fact that she was the complete opposite of her, that he was suffering, that drinking hadn't helped him to stop thinking about the last eight months, about her. Maybe, if he had been less intoxicated, less drunk, he would have had the strength to get up and go home, resisting to the temptation of having the chance to numb himself. But then he felt it. He felt the knife pressing into his leg, and suddenly he saw her, right before his eyes. Seeing that flash, seeing the image of her face when she had given him her father's knife became too much for him to bear.

When the blonde woman got up and extended her hand to him, he took it.

* * *

When Deeks opened his eyes, he turned his head and saw the woman lying next to him still sleeping. He got up from the bed slowly, managing not to wake her up, and headed to the bathroom. Once he closed the door, he stared at himself in the mirror. It only took seconds to feel the sickness creeping up to him, and rapidly he turned to the toilet and emptied his stomach. Once the retching passed, he took deep, long breaths, then he rinsed repeatedly his mouth and splashed water on his face, trying to overcome that awful feeling and to pull himself together. He felt disgusted by himself. Yes, he couldn't remember anything about last night, so he'd gotten what he had wanted, a night with no memories, but now all he could feel was nausea and that feeling of emptiness once again.

The exact same thing had happened also the other three times he had done this, during these eight months. He had always woken up feeling sick after those nights, both physically and emotionally, and today was no different. He couldn't send away that feeling of shame that was filling him. He felt that, by doing this, just to have few hours of peace, he had committed an injustice towards her, he had wronged her, so now he was all at once mad, disappointed and ashamed with himself.

Looking at his reflection for a few more moments, he sighed heavily and, once he was sure he had recovered from that sickness, he got out of the bathroom. Always silently, he gathered his clothes and quickly dressed. Before leaving, he turned to watch the girl still in bed. For a moment he thought about leaving a note, but then he realized that it was pointless. That night together was all she had wanted from him, nothing more. She wouldn't have missed him. Once he realized that nothing was keeping him there, he got to the door and walked out. It was really early, the sun still wasn't up in the sky. Deeks started walking down the street, hands in his pockets, enjoying the fact that he was completely alone so early in the morning. Since he had left the car at work, he had a long walk ahead of him to arrive home, but that wasn't bothering him. He walked with no thoughts on his mind, letting the cool air of this early hours wake him up completely, clear his head.

He didn't know how much time had passed, or how long he had been walking for, when something made him stop. He saw the sun finally rising, coloring the sky with different shades of pink and orange. It was wonderful, extremely beautiful. But that sight didn't warm his heart nor it brought him happiness and joy like it used to in the past. No, it brought only one thought to his mind, always the same he'd had every morning over the last eight months, the number the only thing changing.

_255\. 255 days without sunshine._


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everybody! How was your weekend? Wow, I have to thank all of you once again for your wonderful response and reviews. You're the best! I'm happy that you are enjoying the story. Sorry it took me this long to update, but I was kind of busy. However, thank you again! You make me happy everyday. Here's chapter 3. Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Deeks entered the OSP building at 9 a.m sharp, a little earlier than usual. He had spent the entire day off that Hetty had imposed on him playing with Monty and surfing, these the only two things that still managed to have a soothing effect on him, trying as Hetty had said to clear his head. So now he was more than ready to go back to work. He sat at his desk and started going through paper work for the other night's shooting. With the corner of the eye he noticed that Carter's stuff was nowhere to be found. That should have upset him, or he should have had to care at least a bit, instead he didn't even give it a thought, and simply kept working, enjoying the peace and quiet of being basically still alone in the room, the others still having to arrive.

After some time passed, Deeks started feeling like something was off. He looked at his watch and noticed that it was already 10.05, and no one still had showed up. Hetty didn't concern him, he didn't know where she was or what she was up to even when she was around, but Callen and Sam should have been there at least half an hour ago. He was thinking about that when he heard someone calling him.

"Deeks?" He jerked his head towards that voice and he saw, standing at the bottom of the stairs, the red-headed analyst, a confused look on her face. He lifted his hand, in a greeting gesture.

"Hey, Nell."

"What are you doing here?" She asked walking towards him. Now it was his time to be confused. What the hell was she talking about?

"What do you mean? Where should I be? On the other hand, where is everybody? Callen and Sam are never this late."

"They're, they're not late, it's just that... you don't know?" Deeks was getting really frustrated. Nothing of what she was saying was making any sense and was just confusing him even more.

"No. What should I know?" She frowned and started mumbling something to herself, completely lost in her thoughts. He barely heard something between the lines of "It's not right" and "I told him". Tired of being in the dark about the situation he cleared his throat, in the attempt on catching her attention. She lifted her eyes to look at him again.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out why... oh." She raised her eyebrows ad stopped talking, and he realized she had solved her dilemma. Seconds later she confirmed exactly what he was thinking. At that point, he pressed her, curious to know what was going on.

"Nell? Care to explain?" She rapidly shook her head, coming out of her sort of trance.

"Yeah, sorry. It's not a big deal actually. Callen and Sam are at the boatshed, to interrogate the boy you arrested. They're hoping he has valid information and that they can convince him to cooperate. You should have gone there this morning, I told Callen to inform you yesterday, but I guess... he didn't, and... I think I know the reason"

"Yeah, I think I know it too." Deeks passed a hand in his hair and sighed heavily, knowing exactly what this was about. He had noticed that, in these two months, Callen and Carter were getting along really well, and they had soon become buddies. He didn't need to have Nell's IQ to understand that he was mad at him for Carter's resignation. He couldn't blame him for being angry, but still, he was really annoyed by his co-worker's behaviour. He was tired of people judging him for the way he acted or wanting to tell him how to behave. He snapped out of his thoughts and focused again, addressing the red-head.

"How long have they been there?"

"Half an hour, maybe? Do you want me to call them? We're in contact, in case they need us to look up possible information." He shook his head.

"No, don't worry. I don't wanna be left out, and I can be there in 15 minutes. Thanks anyway." He answered quickly and walked away, heading to the exit. While walking away, he heard her call him.

"Hey, Deeks?" He turned around and saw her smirking. "Callen's just... Callen. He'll get over it, just ignore it. Besides, Carter wasn't _that _cool. I mean, what kind of person hates comic books, right?" Deeks' grim look all together turned into an amused expression. Pretty little Nell Jones. With few words she managed to drive away his anger, at least a huge part of it. The fact that he could feel the hint of a genuine smile reach his eyes, something that had become incredibly rare, was once again the reconfirmation of how important this girl had become to him. They had bonded so much during these eight months. While the others had constantly pressed him to open up, telling him that he needed help and to talk to feel better, and only achieving the opposite, Nell had never pushed him, she herself not too great at talking about her feelings. She had simply been there for him, letting him know that he could rely on her, and actually he had found himself, even if only little, opening up to her with much more ease than he would have thought. She had this ability to cheer him up so easily and, in moments like these, he was beholden to God for having a friend like her.

"Thanks, Nell. You know you're awesome, right?" She smiled and just shrugged.

"Yeah, I have my days. Now go, don't waste anymore time." He nodded and waving bye, he walked out. As soon as he hopped into the car and started driving, he thought again to Callen's 'sabotage' towards him and he felt Nell's calming effect wear out. So he spent the entire ride to the boatshed focusing on trying to keep his cool and restraining his anger. The fact that one of his co-workers, a friend, had taken not his side, but the one of basically a stranger, couldn't help but annoy him and drive him nuts. When he finally arrived, he took a few moments, taking deep breaths to pull himself together, wanting to follow Nell's advice, so not to start a fight in the middle of an investigation. Once he was sure he was calm, he opened the door and went in.

He got inside just in time to see Sam coming out of the interrogation room, the look on his face when he saw him basically saying _"Oh, shit"_.

"Don't worry Sam, I'm just here to work." Deeks reassured him seeing his worried face.

"Look Deeks, I know you're mad but..."

"So you showed up..." Sam's attempts of explaining were interrupted. Deeks turned and saw Callen coming out from the room in the back. Deeks drew a breath through clenched teeth. He had gone there intent upon letting go of what had happened, but hearing Callen having that dig at him instantly made him forget about all his good intentions.

"Well, I would have come earlier, but somehow I hadn't been informed. Very mature, by the way." He retorted.

"I don't want you on a case if you can't be professional." Deeks raised his eyebrows, feeling anger mounting inside him. After his behaviour, was he really accusing him of being the one who was unprofessional? Deeks wouldn't take that from him.

"Oh, so I'm being unprofessional? You're the one who acted way out of line just because you were angry. I'm sorry that your new friend is gone but you had no right to do this, Callen." The shorter man moved in silence towards him, slowly, eyes fixated on his. Deeks didn't back away, challenging him, and soon they were face to face.

"You think this is about Carter? He was simply the last straw. This is about you, about your behaviour, about who you've become. In these months I saw you retreat in yourself, shutting yourself away from everyone." Deeks couldn't believe he was the one giving him a lecture about being a loner. "You pushed away anyone who wanted to help you, or simply wanted to try and create a connection with you. You changed twelve partners, Deeks. Twelve partners. You're not the same, and you're not even trying to get better. We accepted your behaviour because we thought it was what you needed and, with time, you would have eventually gotten better. But it didn't happen. Instead you sank further and further, and the last assignment proved it. You acted recklessly, putting your life and the mission in danger."

"So you're saying _again_ that I'm a danger for this team? That I'm not a good agent? Callen shook his head.

"It's not the team that worries me. You're a danger for yourself. Your mind is not clear because you're still stuck to eight months ago." At that point Deeks felt it. He felt that whirlwind of emotions threatening to resurface, and he was forced to look away, in the attempt to keep his composure. He hated to be forced to face his problem. It was much easier to hide behind the walls he had built around him, but today they weren't letting him do that.

"Why do you think is that, Callen?" He said, his voice low and deep.

"We cared about her too. She was our sister." Sam stepped in, trying to make him reason. "Just, it's been so long, Deeks. Not moving on it's simply hurting you more, you're losing yourself." Deeks couldn't accept that he was really telling him to let her go. He took a breath and bit his lower lip nervously, finding the strenght to talk really difficult all of a sudden.

"So, what should I do? Just forget her? Because I can't. Would you be able to do it? If it were Michelle, would you be able to let her go?" Sam fell silent, not really knowing what to say. Noticing that his partner was in a tight spot, Callen intervened, unfortunately choosing the most wrong words possible.

"You can't ask him that, it's different. Michelle is his wife and..."

"Michelle is his wife and what?! What are you saying, that Kensi is less important? That she's not worth of being remembered?" He had a much louder tone now, almost on the brink of screaming. He jerked his head violently when he heard Sam speak.

"No Deeks, that's not it. Of course Kensi is important, and you must remember her. But she is dead. And you didn't die with her." Deeks felt his eyes redden and swallowed, choking back a sob. It was still so hard. Still to this day, faced with the horrible truth, spoken straight as an arrow, just harsh and honest, he found his control slowly slipping away from him, all the defences he had managed to build up threatening to tumble down.

"We are not your enemy. You're part of our family, we just want to help you deal with this." Deeks didn't reply for a few moments, staring absently into nothing, looking at neither one of the two. He wanted to stop talking about this right now, so he worked interiorly to regain his composure, He rubbed his eyes and drew in his breath with a long sigh, feeling himself calming down little by little, as he put back his emotions at bay. Once he started talking again, his self-control had already come back, his walls up once again.

"You want me to deal with this, Callen?" He finally stared at the other agent. "Well, the best way I can deal with it right now is doing my job. It's what is keeping me together." Deeks saw him ready to protest, probably to tell him that he needed some other sort of help, but he quickly interrupted him.

"I'll talk about it, ok? I'll do it. Just not now, not when we have a suspect in a nearby room waiting for us to end our fight." That comment basically put an end to their discussion, because they all knew they needed to go back to work. That was the important thing right now. Exchanging looks, Callen and Sam realized they were thinking the exact same thing, so G. turned again to Deeks and, tilting his head to the side, he eventually complied.

"Ok, just for now Deeks." He nodded, happy to have escaped this, at least for a little while. Glad that this problem had been set aside for the moment, he went back into agent mode, asking questions about the interrogated.

"So, what do we know about this kid?" Sam rapidly briefed him.

"Benham Qaderi, 19 years old. He's Zemar's nephew. His father, an islamic fundamentalist, killed himself in a suicide bombing when he was 11. He was raised by his mother but she passed away last year so Zemar took him under his wing. Apparently he had started introducing him to his world and to the people he 'worked' with, basically teaching him Terrorism 101. That's why he was at that meeting. Apart from this though, the kid hasn't said much. He's scared out of his mind." Deeks reasoned on the information he had just received, than he communicated the other two his plan.

"Ok, I think you should let me go in." Callen immediately made a dubious face. "I mean, he knows who I am. We created a connection. I found myself face to face with him in that warehouse and I tell you, there's no way that kid is a terrorist. I think he's simply too afraid. Maybe he'll open up if he talks with someone he already met. I think I can convince him to work with us."

The others thought about it for a second, then Sam glanced at his partner.

"It's worth the shot." Calen looked at him, then looked back at Deeks and finally agreed.

"Ok, let's do this. Try to make him talk. I'l put you in connection with Nell and Eric, so they can look into everything he might reveal." Deeks nodded and headed to the door of the interrogation room. For the briefest moment he didn't move, reflecting on how to act once in, then he straightened up, his face severe, and he went in, closing the door behind him. He found the kid slightly trembling, his head resting on his hands, and when he looked up at him he saw his scared expression and the tears in his eyes.

"Do you remember me?" Deeks said, sitting in front of him. The kid nervously shaked his head yes.

"Yes. You are the crazy agent."

"Yeah, I'm Agent Deeks, and I bet you can say that about me..." He chuckled for a moment, then he went back to be serious. "You're in a lot of trouble, Benham. Weapon smuggling, attempted murder of a federal agent, involvement in terrorist activities, I mean, you are facing lifetime in prison here." If he was scared before, now he was completely terrified. He started shaking really hard and tried to deny everything.

"No, no! I am not a terrorist, I didn't do those things, and I never hurt anyone! I am sorry I pointed the gun at you, but I was panicking, I was afraid and..."

"Oh, come on Behnam! I'm not an idiot so don't treat me like one!" Deeks had seen right. This kid had never been involved in something similar to what had happened the other night. But for his plan to work, he had to push him even more, so he kept his act and kept attacking him with his voice loud. "Don't try to deny it, ok? You were there, at that meeting, never leaving Zemar's side. If you were different, if you were innocent, he wouldn't have brought you there." Benham kept denying but Deeks didn't leave him alone, he kept pressing him, wanting to take him to the limit.

"Yes, I bet he wants you to become his heir, he wants his legacy to live with you. Is that what you want? Follow his footsteps?"

"No, I'm not..."

"Or even better, you want to be like your father? You want to make him proud by blowing up as many infidels as possible?"

"Stop it..."

"Yeah, you are just like him, and just like your uncle."

"No, I'm..."

"There's no difference between you. They were terrorists, you are a terrorist. You're like them, you're a murd..."

"Shut up! Stop it! I am not like them! I am not a killer, I am not a terrorist! My uncle is a terrorist, I am not like him! I am not!" Deeks fell quiet as the boy started screaming at him, totally coming apart at the seams. Deeks had done it, he had taken him exactly where he had wanted. So he watched in silence as he broke down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably. He gave him a minute to vent his feelings, then he spoke again, with a much softer tone this time.

"I believe you, Benham. I know you're not like your uncle. I knew it the minute I saw you. While you were holding that gun at me all I could think was 'there is no way this kid is a killer, let alone a terrorist'. And I think you don't want to become one either." The boy lowered his eyes, rubbing away the tears, as he slowly calmed down. "Benham. Your name means good and honorable. I think you know there is nothing honorable in what your uncle was doing, and I think you want to get away from his world as fast as possible. I can help you do that. It's not too late, you're young and you didn't do anything as serious as Zemar's crimes. You still have a chance. Cooperating with us you can live up to your name. By helping us you can have the opportunity to start again, to have a life good and honorable." The kid passed a hand through his hair, tormenting his lower lip, while reflecting on what the agent in front of him had just offered him.

"I just want this to end." He whispered.

"I know, and it can. You just have to work with us." Deeks encouraged him, hoping that he had been convincing.

"If I do this, can you really help me?" Deeks answered with a steady voice.

"I promise you." Benham sighed heavily and, after a moment of silence, he looked up again and nodded.

"...My mother wouldn't have wanted me to become like them. And I don't want it either. I am tired of all this violence, of all this death. So yes, I agree. I will tell you everything I know about my uncle's activities." Deeks looked into the kid's eyes, glad that he had been able to convince him, that his plan had been successful. A small part of him was also happy because, through this kid's help, they would manage to stop people like Zemar, and doing so, someone else would be spared the pain of knowing that their loved ones had been killed in a terrorist attack. He couldn't help but be a bit jealous though, thinking that it was already too late for him.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he briefly stared at the camera in the room, as a sign for the others to keep ready to look into every information. Then, his eyes fixated again on the young man in front of him, and he gestured for him to begin. After a short moment of hesitation, Benham straightened up and started talking. With a broken voice, he told him everything about what he had seen and learned staying with his uncle. He told him about where he would hid the smuggled weapons, where his hideaways were. He told him the names of his most relevant accomplices, and what or who his targets were. He talked non-stop, his voice faltering briefly when thinking back to the atrocities he had witnessed. The interrogation proceeded smoothly all along but, at the very end, something unexpected happened, and things took a very drastic turn that none of them could have ever predicted.

"...then three weeks ago he brought me to this building in the middle of nowhere." Deeks had asked Benham if he had ever met some of the people Zemar used to work with, and he was now recalling the last one of these meetings. "I understood immediately that it was serious, because there were really a lot of armed men guarding the place. When we arrived, uncle took me aside and told me that I was going to meet one of his most important allies. That I could learn a lot from this man, a true master in inflicting damage to the infidels. We were escorted inside and this man came to welcome us. My uncle turned to me and said "Benham, I proudly introduce you to one of the men I respect the most. The infidel who took the right path. I introduce you to the White Ghost." Deeks opened his eyes wide, in complete shock. Had he just heard what he thought he had heard? He opened his mouth more than once before he manage to actually utter a sound.

"You... You met the White Ghost?" The kid nodded uncertainly, slightly worried after seeing the agent's expression change all of a sudden. Deeks on the other hand, was fighting not to lose it right there, clenching his jaw so hard that his teeth were hurting. He had met him. He had met the man responsible for her death, the man who had took her away from him. They had never found information about him till now, but this boy had seen him. He knew who he was, and now that this monster had become real, now that he finally had a lead, Deeks needed to know who he was.

"Tell me his name." Deeks said in a low tone, almost threatening.

"I don't... I don't know his name." Deeks' hand closed into a fist, as he felt anger rising uncontrollably. Without realizing it, he was already screaming.

"What do you mean?! How can you not know his name if you met him?!" He started lashing out against the scared boy.

"They did not tell me! He said that only most trusted people could know it. Please, I am telling the truth." Deeks took short, rapid breaths, shutting his eyes. He had to keep it together, he couldn't lose control, otherwise he didn't know what he could have done. It was so hard though, and so frustrating. He had never been this close to this man, he had never had the chance to avenge her, and now that he had finally somewhere to start, another obstacle just popped up. He slowly felt his breathing evening and when he was sure his rage had diminished, he opened his eyes and stared in the camera, mouthing "It's ok", so that Callen and Sam knew they didn't have to worry.

"Sorry Benham." He said turning once again to the kid. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. It's just... we dealt with this man a while ago, and I've been waiting for the chance to get him for a really long time." Once everything was cleared, and he saw him starting to relax, Deeks decided to focus on what he had, rather than on the fact that they didn't have a name. So, using his detective skills, he started going through what Benham had said before that reveal.

"Ok, there is something that sounds off to me. You said 'the infidel who took the right path'. What does that mean?" The boy looked at him like it was obvious.

"Well, it means that he is occidental. He is american." Deeks couldn't help but stare at him with his mouth open. Their worst enemy was actually one of them.

"He's american?" Benham nodded. "Well, you don't know his name, but can you describe him?" If he was really a traitor from their country, then there was a slightly higher chance that they would manage to identify him.

"Yes, he was tall, with short brown hair. Uhm... a big nose, and a scar on his left eyebrow. And his eyes..." He said shuddering. "He had dark eyes. The most evil eyes I had ever seen in my entire life." Listening to him, Deeks started picturing him in his mind, knowing that Nell and Eric were already recreating him on their computer, but he couldn't wait. He needed to give this man a face right now. After Benham finished with his description, he encouraged him to go on with his story.

"So, take me back to that meeting and tell me everything you remember." He saw the kid's face immediately cloud over as he closed his eyes, like he didn't want to remember. Deeks understood that he wasn't about to hear a nice story, not by far.

"After being introduced to him, he showed us around the building. I was explained that it was some sort of training camp for terrorists, a safe location where to hide, and an interrogation center. After that, he led us to another room, and he said that I had come exactly at the right time. That he was about to teach a lesson and that I would... I would witness something amazing. We entered into this big, crowded room and I saw in the middle a chained man. His face was bloodied and bruised, and he was one of your soldiers. White Ghost went near him and forced him to say his name. Then he started talking to the others, saying that he had been captured during a reconnaissance mission, while he was spying their activities. He said he had been a stupid and that he would pay for that. So he ordered... he ordered his m-men to pour gasoline on him." Benham started shaking, recalling that horrible memory, his voice wavering.

"T-then he went near that soldier and s-said 'You wanted to be a hero? Sorry, you tried to play with fire, and you know what happens if you play with fire? ...you burn.' And h-he did it. He s-set him on fire in front of everybody. I h-had never seen something so, so cruel and horrible. I can still hear h-his sc-screams." Remembering that the kid completely broke, tears running down his face. Deeks felt sympathetic towards him. He was so young and he had already been forced to witness these horrors by deranged men. So that's who this White Ghost was. That's what he was capable of. He was someone who considered amazing burning to death a defenseless men. Thinking about that, he asked the boy the identity of the dead soldier, saddened at the thought of a possible family that was still waiting his return. When he was told his name, Deeks immediately recognized it. He had heard about his disappearance a few weeks ago. It was terrible to know that he had died in such an awful way. Snapping out of his thoughts, he focused again on the kid in front of him, who was now sobbing quietly. He asked if there was something else, any other relevant detail, if he had noticed anything else. He shook his head sniffling.

"No, I don't rememb... wait." He stopped all of a sudden, absorbed by a thought. "Yes. There is something else, there was another prisoner, a woman." Deeks was surprised and curious about that. He hadn't heard anything about missing female agents lately.

"Was she one of ours?" Benham nodded.

"Yes, she was western too." Now that they had found out about a MIA agent, they needed to have as much information as possible, so to identify her.

"Can you describe her, Benham?" He narrowed his eyes, extremely concentrated.

"She was very beautiful, she had long dark hair, and was very thin. I am not sure because she was on her knees, but I think she was also tall. Oh, and she had brown eyes. But they were strange, like... like they weren't the same colour."

Deeks stopped breathing, so strong the shock was. No. He had heard wrong. He had to stop thinking what he was actually thinking, it made no sense to torment himself with useless hope. It was obviously a coincidence, it couldn't be anything else. But still, there were so many similarities, and he couldn't help but feel a thought starting going through his mind. He didn't want to believe it, he didn't want to hope, but at the same time he couldn't do anything else. He felt his heart-beat increasing and he asked with an unsteady voice.

"What, what do you mean with that?"

"Well, just what I said. That they weren't of the same colour."

"Be more specific." He said through clenched teeth, forcing himself not to scream at the boy and to keep calm.

"They were brown, but of a different shade. One was like hazel, while the right one was much darker, almost blackish, like there was a shadow over it." Once he heard that, Deeks shot up from his chair and started pacing back and forth, passing a hand through his hair under the baffled gaze of the interrogated. No no no. It couldn't be. His mind was just playing nasty tricks on him. She was dead. She had died eight months ago, Benham wasn't talking about her. Even if the description matched it was impossible. But what if...? Were they wrong all this time? They had never retrieved the body, they had never had visual confirmation. Could it be? For Deeks it was done. Once that smallest doubt settled in his mind, all the control he had left flew out of the window.

"What was her name?

"Why are you so ups..."

"What was her name?! Answer me!" He screamed, slamming his fist on the table so hard that Benham stood up totally terrified.

"I, I don't know! I don't rememb..."

"Don't try to tell me that you don't remember, think about it! If you say that you don't remember it it means that you heard it and therefore that you know it. So you better focus Benham because I will know that name." He didn't care that he was threatening an innocent, scared kid. His being professional, his composure didn't matter anymore. Now that he had the slightest bit of hope, even if so unlikely, he would have clung to it, no intention of letting go. He had to know that this was real, that this wasn't just one other of his dreams. So, seeing that the boy was unresponsive, probably because of the fear that was consuming him, he stared at him to make him understand that he had never been more serious and pressed him again.

"Tell me! Now!"

"Deeks that's enough!" He turned abruptly and found Sam on the doorstep.

"Get out Sam. I mean it." His friend didn't listen to him though, instead he took a step forward.

"You have to calm down. It's useless acting like this. Come with me and we can discuss this later." Deeks wasn't listening to him, he was thinking about something else. He had to solve this. Now. He couldn't have this doubt much longer. Sam was only making him waste time and he had already wasted too much time. So he decided to do something drastic, something that would have made him understand that this wasn't negotiable. He took out his gun.

"Go Sam, seriously. I can't come with you now, I can't wait much longer. I need to know." Despite knowing that Deeks wasn't a threat for him or for the boy in the room, seeing him like that, with the gun in his hand, the blood-shot eyes, and the murderous look, couldn't help but freak Sam out a little. He looked really crazy. Yes, he wasn't a danger, Sam didn't doubt that the gun was all an act, but that desperate expression on his face was the sign that he would do anything to get what he wanted, that's what was worrying him. On the other hand, dragging him out by force would only make things worse, he would never be able to calm down without solving this. So Sam looked at him for a few silent moments, reflecting on what to do, and then he took his decision.

"Five minutes, Deeks. Then I come get you." With that he went out, closing the door behind him. Glad that he didn't have to worry about that situation, at least for a bit, Deeks turned back around to focus again on Benham. He was standing now, pressed against the wall, and he was shaking like a leaf, scared beyond words.

"So, did it come back to your mind?" He spoke with a deep voice. The kid started mumbling something unintelligible, too terrified to say something that actually made sense. Pushing him again, Deeks stared at him straight in the eyes and moved forward.

"Please, please! I really don't remember! I only saw her that day and she never spoke. Only the White Ghost talked to her, and he said her name only once. I think it started with the K but I can't remember anything else. I swear!" Deeks started taking short ragged breaths, suddenly finding really hard for air to reach his lungs. His throat constricted, he felt cold sweat running down his spine, and his heart started beating a mile a minute, like it was ready to burst out of his chest. Could this be real? Could this be happening? His mind was still trying to process the information he had received, an information that brought him one step closer to believe that something impossible was happening. Yes because, if in eight months he still hadn't fully accepted that she was dead, now, after so long, his brain was having difficulty to accept the opposite, and it could see the possibility that all this was true, that she was actually alive, only as something logically impossible. So he realized that, at least to have some sort of mental clarity he needed something to be sure, he needed a proof. He started frantically thinking about what could help him when it crossed his mind, and he felt like punching himself in the face for not thinking about this earlier.

He took his wallet from his back pocket and, after fumbling around, he found what he was looking for, and he slammed the photo in the kid's face.

"Look at this picture. Is it her? Is this the woman you saw?" Benham looked at him totally lost. Why was he showing him a photo now. Seeing he wasn't focusing Deeks lost it once again and punched the wall next to the boy's head.

"Don't look at me! Look at her! Do you recognize her?" Startled the kid immediately did as told and looked at the picture. It was the agent in a gym with a smiling girl.

"I can't be sure... I'm not..."

"Focus Benham and tell me! Is it her?!" He wasn't just screaming now. His tone was desperate. Seeing that he had no way out, the boy focused really hard on the photo and he tried to recall every detail about the woman he had seen. Only when he was sure he spoke again, timidly.

"When I saw her she was much thinner, but I think... The eyes... the same strange eyes. It has to be her... Yes. It's her."

Deeks suddenly felt dizzy, his head spinning, and a sense of nausea crept up to him, as shock threatened to overcame him. It was true. It was impossible but it was true. The reality of the situation finally hit him like a punch in the gut, and he had to put a hand on the wall, fearing to pass out any moment. He stared into nothing, too shocked to move, to speak or to even think. Only after what seemed an eternity, through his shaky breathing, choking back a sob, he finally managed to whisper that single word.

"Kensi."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello! How is everybody doing? Guys, I just want to say how awesome you all are. I can't believe how enthusiastic the response I got was. All that reviewing, following, favoriting genuinely caught me by surprise and I am thankful for it. I want you to know how happy you make me! Moving on, here's chapter 4, but before that I have to ask an advice. I had started this story not wanting the White Ghost to be Jack, but after watching the last episode I sort of started changing my mind and developing this new idea. It's just a thought, but I really would like to hear your opinion since it will be relevant later in the story. So please, let me know what you think about this, even through a PM, however you prefer, and thank you again! That said, I give you the new chapter.**

**As alway, enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

"Deeks you have to calm down right now!" After he had showed the photo to Benham and after he'd had the confirmation that the impossible had actually happened, Deeks had stormed out of the room, he himself not even sure about where to go or what to do. He had to get to Kensi, that was the only thing on his mind. He couldn't stay there and lose time, but he had been promptly stopped by Sam, who was now actually having a really hard time restraining his completely out-of-control friend.

"Let me go, Sam! Get off me!"

"You're not thinking straight! You have to stop for a moment and get yourself together!" Sam tried to make the upset man reason, but nothing seemed to work, as he only intensified his struggle.

"Let go! I can't stay here! We have to move, I have to get to her, I have to...

"Hey, hey!" When Callen clapped his hands right in front of his face, Deeks for a moment snapped out of his frenzied state and became aware of the agent in front of him, and that he was trying to communicate with him. "You need to stop freaking out, it's completely useless. We are as shocked as you are but there is nothing we can do until we get to the bottom of this, ok? We need to analyze the situation with our mind clear." Deeks shook his head as he struggled with words, since his erratic breath and his agitation were making talking extremely hard.

"No, there's... there's nothing to analyze! She's alive! He recognized her, you saw it!"

"Yes, Deeks. I saw it. I saw a totally terrified kid say that a woman in a picture was similar to someone he had seen three weeks ago, only once, and while he was in a very anguished state of mind."

"No, he said he was sure! You heard the description, it's her! Her eyes... it has to be her, it cannot be anyone but..." He was becoming distressed once again, his screaming only louder, so Callen understood that he had to act now, before he could completely lose his mind.

"Deeks! Stop, ok? Just stop!" Callen interrupted him, exceeding the screams of the blonde with his. He was in shock, talking to him calmly wouldn't have any effect, so he had to catch his attention this way. His thinking actually proved right, as Deeks stopped thrashing around and eventually started listening to him.

"Snap out of this right now and start focusing! This situation was unpredictable, unthinkable, but now we have to look at it rationally. We all want to believe that what Benham said is true and hell, I know that you _need _to believe it's true, but even if it actually is, going crazy and acting out will be of no help at all. If he's right and this is real, Kensi will need you 100% focused, do you understand? So stop being hysterical and get a grip!" He was still struggling when Callen's last words hit him. He was still in shock, he still hadn't processed fully what had happened, and in his confused state he had been so desperate to somehow get to her that he hadn't even realized that he was acting insanely. But now, thinking a bit more clearly, he could tell that Callen was right. He couldn't do anything in that state, he had to pull himself together, for Kensi's sake. So he closed his eyes and concentrated all his energies on calming down. He took long deep breaths, in the attempt of evening his labored breathing, and slowly he felt the adrenaline wear out and his heartbeat slow down. Noticing that his struggling had reduced impressively and that he was finally regaining control, Sam decided to let go of him, but when it happened, he didn't move. He stood there, eyes closed only focused on breathing. He didn't know after how long he finally opened his eyes and whispered few words.

"She's alive." He had felt a pyshical need to say that, as if uttering those words could actually confirm that this was happening. He clenched his fist so hard that his fingernails stuck in his palm, and that pain caused the smallest hint of a smile to appear on his face, because it meant that he wasn't home, coming out of a dream, like it had happened so many times in these months. No, this time it was real. He looked up to the other two agents, determination on his face, as he repeated that once again, much more firmly now.

"She's alive. Kensi is alive."

Silence fell into the room, everyone too shocked or worn out to say anything. Callen and Sam were trying to stay strong and focused, almost detached from the situation, for Deeks' sake, but all of this had had an impact on them too. They were finding it very hard to believe. Kensi, their friend, their little sister could actually be alive after all this time. Yes, they were being skeptical, they had to be, to examine fully what was happening and not let their emotions get the best of them as it was happening with Deeks, but still they couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope growing inside.

Their consideration were interrupted when they heard a beep and all of a sudden they found Nell on the screen staring at them.

"Guys, I need your attention. There is..." She got quiet and moved to the side, Hetty's never-more-serious face replacing hers on the screen.

"Agents, I want you to come back here immediatly. Someone is already on the way to take care of Mr. Qaderi, so you can move now. I'll be waiting for you in Ops. Hurry." With that she cut off communications and the screen went black. The first one to move was Deeks, by now shaken out of his trance, followed rapidly by the other two. He literally ran to his car, jumped in and sped away. Of the 15 minutes necessary to do the journey, he used only 5 of them, and nevertheless to him they were endless. He kept replaying what had happened over and over again. It seemed like his fight with Callen that morning had actually happened in another day, in another year. Everything had lost importance after his conversation with Benham, he could only think about her now. She was alive. On the other side of the world she was alive, she was breathing. He couldn't help but think that subconsciously he had always known it. Ever since Hetty had given him the news. He had always thought that he would feel it if she was actually dead, that he would have noticed it, and that's why he had never been able to let her go completely. Because a part of him had been aware that she was alive. And now that he had proof, nothing would stop him from getting her back.

He arrived at base, Callen and Sam not far behind him, and he stormed inside, not slowing down until he was in Ops, where Hetty, Nell and Eric were already waiting. The two analysts had a beyond-upset expression on their faces, and Deeks could also detect the distress hidden behind his boss' inscrutable face.

"Everybody heard the interrogation, right? You heard what the kid said. So what are we gonna do Hetty, what is the plan?" He addressed her immediately, wanting to face the situation right away, not even acknowledging Callen and Sam's arrival.

"Mr Deeks you have to calm..."

"No!" He stopped her before she had the chance to finish. "I'm not gonna calm down, not again! Callen was right to tell me not to lose it and that I needed to focus, so I'm doing it. I'm focused. I'm focused on her. So don't tell me to calm down, because I just found out that my... my partner, who you said died eight months ago, is actually alive and has been a prisoner all this time." He was now panting, doing his best not to lose control and scream against her. He turned when he heard Callen speak.

"Could this be true, Hetty? Could she be alive?" Hetty remained quiet for a bit before answering, processing the evidence they had.

"Well, we never found her body, and the boy did identify her in the picture, so yes. However unlikely, there is the chance that Ms Blye might be alive."

"Then there's nothing to discuss. We're going." Deeks turned surprised. He had been about to say that same thing, but he had been preceded by Sam. He stared at him and saw the look of support in his eyes. "We never leave a man behind." Deeks nodded, extremely grateful to his friend.

"I perfectly understand that this situation is upsetting for everyone, but you cannot act on your emotions, especially you Mr Deeks. We never faced something like this before so you need to stay focused and evaluate the situation. Mr Qaderi could be wrong, he could have confused her with someone else, and even if he's right, she could be dead now. We are not sure of anything. You have to understand that." Deeks inhaled heavily and took a step forward. All Hetty had said was true, but it didn't matter. He would do it anyway.

"You're right Hetty, about everything, but this is not gonna change things. That kid told me he saw Kensi. Someone told me she is alive. That is more than I've had for eight months, and I'm not giving up on this chance. She's been a prisoner all this time, God knows what they did to her, and after what Benham told me about this White Ghost, there's no way I'm leaving her with him a minute more. I'm not gonna leave her again. I'm going to Afghanistan, I'm gonna get her back, you can't talk me out of this."

When he was done talking, Hetty noticed Callen and Sam approach him, taking their place next to him. She felt her heart swell with pride. That was one of the things she loved the most about this team, that they would always back each other up, no matter how difficult or dangerous the situation. They were a family.

"I'm not going to try to talk you out of this, nor I'm going to try to stop you. Anyone of you. I just want you to fully comprehend how dangerous this is going to be. Before you came here, I contacted Granger, asking him to organize a rescue mission." She was amused when she saw the surprised expressions on the men's faces. Did they really think that she would have left her agent in the hands of the enemy, without even trying to save her? "Unfortunately he told me that director Vance didn't allow it, because of the lack of evidence. So I called some people who owed me and Granger did the same. He will keep the operation under wraps as long as he can, and there will be a small team from Special Forces waiting for you. That's all the back up you will have, other than that you will be alone in hostile territory. Do you understand now how risky this is?" They remained silent for a moment, letting her words sink in. It was very clear to all of them that this was close to a suicide mission. To Deeks it didn't matter, he would go there alone if he had to, but he would never force the others to risk their life to help him. So he waited in silence, until two words from Callen filled him with relief.

"It's Kensi." There was nothing else to say, no further motivation needed. At that Hetty nodded, knowing it was official. They had decided.

"Very well, gentlemen. Get ready, then. We are officially on a mission. Let's bring her home." They all moved, starting to organize everything. Only Deeks stopped for a moment, right before walking out. He took out his wallet and took the picture he had roughly shoved inside after the interrogation. He stared into her eyes, those beautiful, deep eyes, and he lightly passed his thumb on the photo, as if he was caressing her face.

_Hold on, Kensi. I'm bringing you home._

* * *

Deeks was sitting in the back of the Humvee that would take them in position, running through their plan for the umpteenth time since they had arrived there. After having spent the entire day planning and getting ready, he, Callen and Sam had taken the 18 hours flight at 5 a.m. necessary to get to Afghanistan. They had arrived at an isolated part of camp base hours after their landing, and they had found Granger and a team of twelve Special Forces members waiting for them. Then they had been updated about the information already collected and they had spent the rest of the day trying to come up with a plan that could actually work. Through their survey and what Benham had told them, they had found out that there was a number between thirty and forty men in the compound. Security was very high except for the first hours of the morning, during the guards' shift change. That's when they would move. While the guards were distracted and the other men were sleeping, at their weakest, they would strike them. Split in two teams, led one by Callen and one by Sam, they would catch their attention and they would draw them out of the building to take out as many of them as possible, relying on the darkness, on the shelter of the afghan hills, on the surprise effect and on the fact that the enemy would be forced to split his forces to return the fire. That would all be a distraction, though, to allow Deeks to go in and retrieve Kensi. While their enemies were kept busy by the combined assaults, Deeks, with the remaining two soldiers and with Benham, would enter the building from the back and the kid would guide them inside, with the hope that they would find Kensi faster this way. Then they would leave the compound and they would run to their extraction point, where two helicopters would wait for them for a limited time window. One minute too late and they would all be left there. There was no room for mistakes.

It was risky, it was crazy, almost impossible on some levels. Thinking about it again, Deeks wasn't feeling very confident but it was the best they had. If that was their only chance, he would do this. For her he would do this a billion times.

"Can I ask you something?" Deeks' attention was caught by Benham's timid voice. The kid was sitting next to him, fidgeting in his vest. They had offered him asylum in the United States in exchange for his help. Deeks nodded, encouraging him to go on.

"Well, why are you doing all this? You are colleagues, but that is not the reason, right? I mean, the picture... Is she a good friend of yours?" Deeks opened his mouth to say yes but stopped. That would have been a lie. That wouldn't have been what he really wanted to say. He had thought about it, in those eight months. He had thought about how angry she would become because he had problems saying what he meant. That was one of the things that had tortured him the most. That he had never had the chance to tell her exactly what he meant to tell her. He had never told her how important she was to him, all of this because he was afraid of speaking frankly. So here, in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a mission that could very well cost him his life, he decided to do what he had never done. He let out a breath and answered the boy.

"No, Benham. She's not just a good friend. She is much more. She is my partner, she is my best friend, she is the person who made me a better man, the person I trust the most in the world... She is the woman I love. I love her. More than anything and anyone in the world. I cannot live without her, nor I want to. That's why I'm here, doing this." When he stopped talking he strangely felt like he was out of breath. It had been exhausting and relieving at the same time. He had never been so honest in his entire life. After hearing his confession, Benham got quiet for a while, then, lowering his eyes, he spoke again.

"You know... I saw her more than three weeks ago now. I told you what kind of man White Ghost is. I don't want to be pessimistic, or dishearten you, but there is a great possiblity that she is already dead." Deeks just nodded.

"I know that. I knew how slim our chances were even before coming here. But when I thought she was dead my world stopped. Everything lost meaning to me. My entire existence didn't matter anymore. All because she was gone. So now, I don't care if our chances are small. To me, we could have the 1% chance to find her alive, and that would still be enough for me. I thought I lost her, and now I can get her back. And I'm not letting this go." They stared into each other's eyes and Benham saw the determination in the ones of the agent, and he understood that nothing and no one could stop this man.

Silence fell back between them once again, and they didn't notice how long had actually passed until they felt the Humvee stop and they realized they had arrived. They hopped off the vehicle and moved, to cover the remaining half mile by foot, doing this to diminish the risk of being identified. They eventually got in position and, hidden behind a set of rocks, Deeks finally saw the compound. Just as he had seen in the pictures. Big, bare and scary. Far scarier seeing it in person. He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at his watch, and he signaled to the men crouched behind him.

"Two minutes." Even if he couldn't see them, he knew that Callen and Sam, with their respective units, were already positioned and, through his earbud, he got confirmation of that seconds later. Now he just had to wait. He turned to Benham and whispered to him.

"Once it begins, you stick with me, ok? Never leave my side. If we are fast, organized and we stay together, I will get us out of there." The kid nodded, and Deeks noticed that despite trying to act bravely, he was shaking and there was fear in his eyes. He couldn't blame him. He was terrified too. He took a deep breath and focused again on the compound. It was a matter of moments now. Then he saw it.

It was because he knew where to look, otherwise in the dark he wouldn't have noticed anything. The guard on the rooftop dropped down dead, followed quickly by a second one. It was Sam's team. It had begun. It wasn't until the fourth guard fell to the ground lifeless that the enemy reacted. Once they realized what was happening, that they were under attack, all hell broke loose. Some took the place of the dead guards on the rooftop and started shooting from there, while a lot of men got out of the building, returning fire and running towards the position the shooting was coming from. By doing this they found themselves with their back exposed, and they were totally unprepared when Callen's unit joined the fight and started shooting at them. Caught in the crossfire, the enemies called for back-up and more men came out of the building.

In all that chaos, Deeks wasn't able to count how many men had left the building, but judging by the multitude of dead bodies and men still busy with fighting he knew they were a lot. It was working. To return fire, they were leaving the compound vulnerable. It was their time to move. He gave signal to the men behind him and they ran down the hill as silently as possible, in full stealth mode. Once they arrived down, to the back-entrance, they found a man on guard duty. He didn't have time to raise his gun that he was already on the ground, two bullets in the chest. Before going in he looked at Benham.

"Ready, kid?" When he got a positive answer he signaled the SF guys to proceed and, when the door was kicked open, he finally got inside. It was dark, and there was no one around. Now that the sounds of the shooting were muffled, Deeks could not only feel, but actually hear his heart pounding. In both fear and excitement. They were there. She was in there, somewhere.

They proceeded quickly but very carefully, taking down any enemy crossing their path, always without hesitation, to avoid the risk that someone could alert the ones outside. They moved inside the building, following Benham's directions. They ventured further and further until they arrived to a big room in the middle of the compound.

"This is where White Ghost brought us to show us the soldier." He pointed to a door on the left side. "She was dragged here from that door, but I don't know what is behind it." Only one way to find out, Deeks thought. He sped there and he opened the door, to find himself in a hallway. How big is this place? He thought. They had to be faster. He didn't know how much time still they had. They had to move. So he ran with the others to the end of the corridor, but when he turned the corner, he came face-to-face with a group of six enemies.

The were just in time to hide behind the corner when bullets started hailing down on them. They returned fire, but Deeks knew they weren't in a good situation. Stuck in here, they were wasting time, and their foes would have time to alert the others. They were up shit creek and he still had to find her.

While shooting back at them, among the unintelligible screams of one of their enemies, he heard something that made his heart stop, and he mentally thanked Sam for having forced him to learn a smattering of Pashtu.

"They're here for her! They're here for the woman!" She was there, she was alive, and that man knew where she was. All of a sudden a fire surged inside him, as something became very clear to him. No one would stop him now, not when he was so close. He wouldn't allow these men to keep him away from her any longer. So, asking for fire support, he got out from his hiding place and started shooting at them, relentlessly, until they were all down, all except the man he had heard speaking. With him, he limited to blow his kneecap, leaving him screaming in pain on the ground. He ran towards him, knowing he had to be quick. He turned the man around and asked him threateningly.

"Where is she?!" The man just laughed and spat on the floor. He wanted to get him angry, he wanted to play, but Deeks didn't have time to play, so he decided to speed up the interrogation. He pressed his foot on the man's knee. Exceeding the man's screams of pain, he tried again.

"I'm not gonna ask you again. Where is she?!" Crying like a baby, he mumbled something that Deeks didn't understand, so he turned to Benham, who was observing the scene horrified. When he understood what the agent wanted he snapped out of his shock state.

"H-he... He is saying she is in t-the last room on the left." Deeks took note of that and, before moving he saw a bundle of keys hanging from the man's belt. He took it and got up to walk away, but he stopped when he heard him chuckling and in a rough English he addressed him.

"Too late. She is gone. She already was, even before you arrived." Those few words caused nausea to creep up on him. It couldn't be. Not now. He couldn't have come so far just to be too late to save her. He didn't want to believe him. With rage he smashed the butt of his rifle on the man's head, effectively knocking him out. He took a few deep breaths and then looked up the his unit, whose members were struggling not to show their shock.

"Let's move." He ran down the hallway as fast as he could, speeding up when, through his earbud, he heard Callen say that there were too many of them and they couldn't hold out much longer. When he got to a crossroads, he ran to the left, like Benham had told him, and advancing, he finally arrived to a locked metal door. He signaled his men to stay behind and watch the crossroads, to avoid being taken off guard. He struggled with the lock until the fourth key proved to be right one and the door finally opened. Before going in, he froze for a moment. Blood was ringing in his ears and his heart was in his throat. He wasn't ready. Not even remotely. He was absolutely dreading the moment he would enter that room. He was terrified to go in and find out that all his efforts, had been useless. He was afraid to cross that threshold and find her body cold and rigid. He had never been so scared in his entire life. This fear consuming him was only equal to his eagerness to go in, because it didn't matter how terrified he was, he was still hoping with all his heart that he had been right and that he had arrived in time. So he straightened up, mustering his courage and, knowing he couldn't lose another minute, he opened the door and got inside.

The room was dark, he could barely see anything, but the first thing that assaulted his senses was the smell. It was terrible, like a mixture of blood, urine, and other smells he couldn't identify right now. With his gun raised, fighting the sick feeling, he took a few steps forward when he finally noticed it. In front of him, sprawled on the ground in a corner, was a woman. When he saw her he froze in his tracks and stopped breathing.

It was her. He was sure it was her. Yes, it was dark, she was covered in dirt and her hair was hiding her face, but he had no doubt. The woman in front of him was Kensi. His Kensi. For more than eight months he had suffered for her death, and now she was here before him. He started shaking as shock threatened to overwhelm him, but he fought to keep himself together. He couldn't afford to have a breakdown now. As he got closer to her though, he noticed something that spread glacial terror through his veins. She wasn't moving. He hadn't seen her move since he had entered the room, and she was far too still even to be sleeping. His blood froze all of a sudden. No. God please, no. She couldn't be dead, not after everything he had done to find her, not after he had started hoping again.

_"She is gone..." _Had that man said the truth? He had prayed that he'd simply wanted to provoke him, but now looking at her he was starting to fear the worst. He was even afraid to approach her to check her pulse. He didn't want confirmation that all this had been for nothing, that he had come here from across the world just to cry for her death once again. He felt he was about to break. Enduring this once had already been too unbearable, he knew that doing it a second time would destroy him completely. He wouldn't come back from this, ever again.

Still, he had to do it. He couldn't choke like that now, he had to know, and besides, staying there any longer and losing more time meant putting in danger not only his life, but the ones of his men too. So he hesitantly moved towards her, ready to check if she was dead or not, when he heard it. At first he thought that his mind was playing nasty tricks on him, and that he had just imagined it, but then he heard it again. It was the faintest of whispers and, looking closely, he saw her chest rising, a movement so slight that in the beginning he had missed it. But now, focusing on it, it was extremely clear.

"Oh God..." It was all he managed to say. She was breathing. She was breathing! As realization hit him all his fears and hesitation went out of the window and he rushed to her, crouching on the floor next to her motionless form. When his trembling hand finally touched her, he felt like electricity was running through him, and his last fears, the most deep-rooted in him, the ones that were still telling him that all of this wasn't really happening, magically dissolved. She was real. He couldn't stop repeating that in his mind, over and over again. He had found her and was next to her again.

"Kensi, Kensi! It's me, it's Deeks, can you hear me?" He moved her hair away from her face and, when finally he was able to look at her, a mixture of joy and worry equally filled him. She was as beautiful as he remembered, with her strong features, the light curve of her nose, her full lips. And yet, there were some things disturbing with her appearance, some things that were stopping him from enjoying fully that moment of reunification, on the contrary, the more he noticed, the more he actually worried. She was thin, way too thin. Her lips were cracked and her face was ghostly pale, covered with sweat and dirt. When he touched her he felt a shudder going through her and he realized that she was probably freezing, as he took in for the first time the way she was dressed, if that was the right word. She was wearing a khaki shirt that was engulfing her, definitely too big for her, and pants made of something similar to linen, both garments ripped in different places. While checking all of this he noticed that she was barefoot and that there was a chain around her ankle, connecting her to the wall. He immediately moved next to her legs to free her, frantically trying every key that was left. While searching for the right one to pick the lock, he casually glanced at her feet and when he did it, he forcefully told his brain not to process what he had just seen, not to focus on the scars on the soles of her feet. He couldn't think about it right now. His mind had to remain clear. Finally he managed to open the lock and he proceeded to remove the chain, he himself hissing when he saw the bruises on her ankle and the skin rubbed raw. Therefore he was surprised when he realized she hadn't made a sound, hell, she hadn't even moved. Not even one reaction since when he had entered the room. Something wasn't right. He got back in front of her and tried to get some response from her.

"Kensi, do you hear me? It's Deeks. I'm here, I found you. Kensi, do you understand what I'm saying?" He tried and tried, getting zero results. She just kept laying there, not moving. She wasn't sleeping, since her eyes were only half-closed, but from the little he could see, he could notice that they were completely blank, lost, focused on nothing. A thought started running through his mind. Had they messed up with her brain? Had she been drugged? Was that the reason why she wasn't responsive? He decided to stop dwelling on it, since it would have been useless, and tried once again to get her to react.

"Come on, Kensi. You can do this. I'm not gonna leave you again. You are safe now, all you have to do is get up, come on Fern." He was seriously starting losing hope when it suddenly happened. Moments after he said that nickname she hated so much, he heard her moan. When he understood what probably had triggered that reaction he started speaking again.

"Fern? Fern, you hear me? It's Deeks, I'm here. Come on Fern, show me you can actually hear me." And after he said that, he got the confirmation he'd wanted. He saw her eyes weakly moving behind her lids as she slowly tilted her head towards him, and he noticed that she was moving her lips, like she was trying to say something.

"D-De..." He promptly stopped her, not wanting her to make useless efforts.

"Shhh shhh, it's ok princess. Don't try to talk. It's all fine, ok? I'll think about everything. I've got this." Now that he had the certainty that she was responsive, that she was understanding, he had to act as quickly as possible. He knew they were running out of time and they couldn't wait for her to recover on her own. He had to speed up things. He reached to the back pocket of his vest and took out the syringe. He had decided to bring it with him, not knowing, in case they would actually find her, in what state she would be. Now he was beyond glad that he had chose like this. He carefully lifted her up, a dead weight in his arms, and he drew her closer to him.

"This is adrenaline Kensi. Sorry..." He whispered to her and then jabbed the needle right in her heart. He closed his eyes in torment, feeling her tense all of a sudden and suck in air while choking back a scream, her heartbeat resonating against his chest, because he knew how much pain she was in due to the shock of the adrenaline running all at once through her system. When he felt her starting to relax slightly, he moved to check her status. Her eyes were shut and she was taking sharp, short breaths. It took her a few more seconds to recover. Eventually she started regaining control of her breathing and Deeks saw her blinking furiously, desperately trying to focus; then she lifted her head and finally he was able to look into her open-wide eyes. Those eyes so beautiful, so deep, so complex. Those eyes he had missed so much. He would have wanted to relish that moment forever, there, not moving, drowning in the depth of her dark eyes, but he couldn't. He didn't have the time to do it, so he concentrated again, and all his attention was caught not only by the confused and utterly shocked expression on her face, but, above everything, by that faint, broken voice. A voice he had thought he would never hear again in his life.

"...Deeks?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everybody! How are you all doing? Did you recover from Spoils of War? I still didn't. My feels are like... I can't talk about it without curling up in a ball and starting to cry my heart out. I'm dying and I seriously need someone to stop the feelings. I just... I just can't, and it's even worse knowing this will probably happen again next week. Ohhhh, damn you Daniela Ruah and Eric Christian Olsen! Why are you such amazing actors? Why do you have to make me suffer like this? However, trying to move on... Wow guys! Over 60 followers, I can't believe it! Not to talk about the reviews! You are always so nice and supportive and your response is wonderful. I just love you all so much! Sorry about all the exlamation marks, it's the feels... It will get better... I hope so... In the meantime, I leave you with a brand new chapter. If I didn't update sooner is because I have exams all April but I'm doing the best I can.**

**PS about this update: Some things could be confusing or hard to understand, but no worries. It will all be explained later in the story.**

**As always, enjoy and review!**

**Dislaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

She heard the door creak open and couldn't stop a whimper from leaving her mouth. She wondered what she was in for this time. Not that it mattered, really. She just laid there waiting, thinking that the sooner it started, the sooner it would end. Just like always. And still, after all this time, every time that door opened she couldn't help but feel fear creeping up on her. Anticipation was the bad part, the scary part.

_Don't be afraid. Just relax and it will be over quickly. I'm right here with you._

When she heard him, tension left her body. He was back, as always. He was always there when she needed him, calming her down and taking her away from what was about to happen. She relaxed, focusing on his voice, so not to think about the footsteps approaching her, but when she felt the hand on her face, she couldn't help but shudder at the unwanted touch. This time she could hear somebody talking to her almost lovingly, and the hand was softly caressing her face. It was game time. She hated when they did that. She hated when they pretended to be gentle and caring. Her trembling only intensified, until she heard him again.

_Shhh. It's ok, don't fight it, don't think about it. I'm here. Just let go, I'm gonna be by your side the entire time. You're not alone. I'm here, they can't hurt you. You're safe._

She sensed him next to her, whispering into her ear and his voice, his way of talking with that funny and sexy drawl, his scent, that mix of his cologne and the smell of the ocean, that scent she loved so much, all that had a soothing effect on her, and she knew he was right. They couldn't hurt her with him next to her, because she could escape. She could escape to her sanctuary. He was her safe haven. So, when she felt the man move to her legs she didn't shy away, she didn't struggle or move at all, simply waiting for him to do what he wanted to do. He was trying to open her chain, so she realized they were probably going to take her to the other room. Weird, she thought. Was it already a weekend? It could be. She had lost track of time long ago. It didn't matter though. It just meant that it would last longer than usual. But why think about that? She got back to focus on his comforting words, his presence distracting her from what was happening. She was lost in her own mind, when she felt the chain being removed from her ankle. She didn't move or hiss, but the sudden pain from the metal rubbing her bleeding and raw skin, for a brief moment snapped her out of her happy place, and reality surrounding her became much clearer. She felt fear rising up again. No. She didn't want to think, she didn't want to be alert. She just wanted him next to her again.

_It's fine, I know it hurts, but you can escape from it. I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. I'm right here..._

He was there but his voice was more distant now, like he was whispering from afar. The man in the room was talking to her again, but she wasn't listening. She was focused on his voice, needing the comfort that it would bring her. She needed him, she didn't want to be alone. Trying to cling to him, she forced her mind to focus more, to find him again, but that's when something unexpected happened. She heard him. But it wasn't the same.

"...I found you. Kensi, do you understand..." What? What the hell? It was him, but it wasn't. His voice sounded different, rough and agitated instead of calming and soothing. What was happening? Why the hell the man crouched in front of her had his same voice?

_Listen to my voice. It's just a trick, relax. I'm with you._

Of course. Why hadn't she thought about it? It was obviously a trick. She couldn't remember, but they had probably given her that drug again that would confuse her only more. Weird. It had been a while since the last time they had done that. Between the drugs and the fact that she was about to be taken to the other room, she knew that this was going to be a really ugly day.

"...Kensi, it's me. It's Deeks, I'm here now. You're safe." She hated them. Why did they have to torment her like this? Why did they have to torture her pretending that he was actually there to rescue her? She was mad at herself for having given them the opportunity to use him against her. She still remembered how she had been taunted for saying his name in her sleep. Why now, after all this time? They hadn't done something so sadistic in a really long time. She couldn't stand it. She wanted to escape this now.

_Don't be scared. They can't touch you when you're with me. Don't pay attention. Don't think about anything. It will end soon and I'll be next to you._

Don't think about it. He was right. She wouldn't have let them trick her. She could hide from it. All she had to do was listen to his voice, and everything would have gone better. He could protect her. He would have shielded her from the pain that was about to come. The hand was still on her face, caressing her cheek, but she didn't react this time.

_Stay with me._

Yes. Take me away, please.

She started slipping away, more and more distant from what was around her, to retreat definitively in the safety of her happy place, when suddenly the part of her mind that was still partially responsive sensed something that could be described only as unbelievable.

"...is get up. Come on, Fern."

Fern? No, it couldn't be. They couldn't know that name, nobody knew that ridiculous nickname, and she hadn't heard it in such a long time. There was only one person who would call her like that, but it couldn't be him. He couldn't be physically there. It was impossible.

_They're trying to break you. Just listen to my..._

He was leaving her. She was losing contact with him. His voice was far and even his scent was disappearing. She tried to reach him, but he was gone, she was alone. No no no. She needed him now more than ever, now that she couldn't trust herself, that she wasn't sure about anything. Nothing was making any sense to her. It could be that she was permanently losing her mind, or that they were actually trying to break her by using that familiar name. But they didn't know it, she was positive about that. And if she had never mentioned it, how the hell could they use it now? In her upset state she realized a moan had left her mouth. As her mind started clearing the voice got only more insistent and, becoming more and more aware of what was happening, she finally took in what was being told to her, and his next words shook her to her core.

"Fern? Fern, you hear me? It's Deeks, I'm here..."

Deeks? Was it really him or was she dreaming again? No. This time it couldn't be a dream, or even an hallucination. He sounded so different from every other time she had 'seen' him or heard him. His voice seemed worried, frantic and also slightly hopeful. He had to be real, but he couldn't be at the same time. She didn't want to start hoping just to end disappointed and broken once again, but even in her confused stated she could understand that this situation was different from any other. She had to know if it was true. Right now, otherwise she would go crazy. She used all her strength to try and focus on the man next to her, but all she managed to see was a blurry figure. Her eyes caught sight of the head full of blonde hair, another confirmation of what she was thinking, so she frantically tried to call him, to be 100% sure before allowing herself to start believing that this was actually real. She was surprised by the amount of energy it took to try and utter that single name. She hadn't spoken in a very long time and probably she wasn't used to it anymore. This, combined with her unbelievably parched throat, caused her to be able to only let out a whisper so feeble that she wasn't sure he had actually heard it until with a reassuring tone he gently silenced her.

"Shhh shhh, it's ok princess..."

Princess... Oh God. It was happening. He was actually there with her. After all this time, after all this solitude and pain, he had found her. He had come to rescue her, just like she had dreamt many many times before. She had wanted this so hard for such a long time that now she was struggling to process all of this. After having lived in wariness, suspicion and fear of everything for so long, a part of her couldn't help but still be skeptical about this unlikely situation, and was stopping her from being fully convinced. Her doubts only intensified when she felt a hand behind her back. Her blood froze in her veins when she was lifted up and drawn close to the man she wasn't sure was him. Had she been wrong? Had all this been just a sadistic game, another twisted, depraved 'foreplay'? Had she allowed herself to be hopeful just to be deceived and tormented more? Her train of though was interrupted when she felt a needle being stuck in her chest. She barely noticed the pain from the puncture. What came next, on the other hand, was something she wasn't prepared for. She felt her body stiffen all together, and her heartbeat sped up so much that she thought either it was going to burst through her chest or explode straight away. She suddenly felt out of breath, like she was suffocating, and desperately gasped for air, trying to suck in as much oxygen as possible. Stop. Please, just stop. That was all she could think of as her body was shaken by tremors, as if electricity was running directly through her. It was horrible, she just wanted it to end, and she could barely make a coherent thought as the only thing she could focus on was try to keep breathing.

After what seemed an eternity to her, that horrific feeling finally diminished. Her heart slowed down, still going a mile a minute though, and she shut her eyes tightly, concentrating on evening her rugged breath. She was slowly calming down, shakings leaving her body. When she was finally able to take several long, deep breaths, she realized she was regaining control on herself. That wasn't the only thing she noticed, though. Once more focused, she realized that she was feeling stronger, like her energies were coming back to her, and that her mind was clearer, the fog slowly disappearing. She opened her eyes but was forced to blink furiously, as everything around her seemed now too bright and vivid. Overcoming her upset state, she became aware that she was still being held so, once her vision came back into focus, she lifted her head and finally looked up. Once she did that, her heart skipped a beat.

It was him. It wasn't a shade, a blurry figure anymore. No, he was real and vivid and tangible. It was actually him. There, next to her, holding her. Apart from that serious expression that didn't fit the man she remembered, nothing had changed in his appearance. The same messy blonde hair, the same strong jaw-line, the same stubble always in need to be shaven, the same blue eyes, so deep and yet so clear, like an ocean. She was staring right into those eyes, those eyes she loved and had missed so much, those eyes capable of instilling calm and serenity in her even in her worst and most desperate moments, just like now.

As true realization hit her, she was overwhelmed by shock and, while making the impossible effort of trying and get her head around what was happening, she eventually managed to whisper that name. Slowly, softly, like she was afraid that talking would have actually broken the spell.

"...Deeks?" As she uttered his name, she saw his expression turning swiftly from concerned to relieved and happy, and a smile appeared on his face.

"Yeah, Kens. It's me. I found you." Even after he said that, she shook her head in denial. She still couldn't bring herself to fully believe all this was real.

"No no. You can't be here. It's... it's not possible. I'm... I'm... I'm seeing things. There's no way..." Deeks chuckled at her attempts at denying the obvious.

"Well sunshine, I know you always wanna be right but this time it's my turn. I'm here, your knight in not-so-shining armor. So, what do you say? Wanna go home or would you like to stay in this Spa a little more?" If he was impressed by himself that he had actually been able to make a joke, even in such a terrible situation, given that it had passed so much time since the last time he had felt like joking around, to Kensi that witty remark was what she needed to drive away her worries. Tentatively she stretched out her trembling hand and placed it on his face, letting out a breath when she felt the warmth of his skin against her palm.

"You are real..." It was more a statement that a question, but she had felt the physical need to say it out loud. Seeing her upset expression Deeks immediately stopped kidding and became serious again. If this was hard for him he couldn't imagine how she could feel right now. All of a sudden he felt a sense of guilt rising up inside him, guilt for having abandoned her, for not having found her sooner. He placed his equally shaking hand on hers and stared into her eyes, with a look supportive, hopeful but most of all pained.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner, I'm sorry it took me so long. But I'm here now, I'm taking you home, and I'm not gonna leave you ever again."

After she heard those words, Kensi felt tears starting to burn behind her eyes. Why? Why did it have to be like this? She was so happy that he was there, but she knew it was too late. He thought he had found her in time, but how could she explain to him that he was wrong? She couldn't be saved, she wasn't worthy of being saved, not after everything that had happened, not after what she had done.

Her train of thought was interrupted when she saw him jerk his head towards the door and put a hand on his ear. After a few seconds he nodded and turned back to her again.

"Kens, that was Callen. They're out, trying to hold back as many men as possible, but he just told me that they're now retreating to extraction point. It means that every talib left is going to storm into this building in a matter of minutes, so we gotta move." She just looked at him, opening her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She wanted to tell him that it was late, that he couldn't do anything for her, that she deserved to stay there, but she couldn't find the words. On the other hand, Deeks took her silence and hesitation as a sign of shock so, knowing they didn't have much time left, he gently pressed her.

"Hey, hey, I know you're scared and... and in shock, and you probably think it's all a dream, but I'm right here in front of you. Kensi, I can take you away from all of this. Safety is just behind the corner, but you have to help me. I know it's a lot to ask, but I need you to be strong a few more minutes. Don't give up now. Get up and let's get the hell out of here. Please, I can't lose you again, not now, not after I found you. You can be free, we can go away, that's why I'm begging you to make one last effort, but look... I know how hard this can be so I'm telling you, if you don't wanna do this, I'm staying. I'm gonna stay right here next to you until you are ready to go. Ok Kensi? You have to know that. I'm not gonna leave you again."

His words shook her out of her trance. What he had said was wrong. She couldn't be free, even leaving this place. Too much had happened, too much had been done to her and she herself had done too much. There was no point in trying to rescue her. And yet, his last words were the ones that hit her the most. He would have stayed there, she knew he wasn't bluffing, that he would have done it for real. If she didn't care about what would have happened to her, with him it was the opposite. Staying there, he would have ended up being captured or killed, and she knew she wouldn't have been able to live with that. She couldn't let that happen. So that's what triggered her. Not the desire for her to be free, but the fear for him to be caught or worse. That was what pushed her to react. She put one arm on the ground and the other on his shoulder, trying to lift herself up. When Deeks understood what she was doing, he immediately helped her.

"Ok tiger, let's do this. Put your arms around my neck and I'll help you stand up." She did as told and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Ready? On my three, alright? Ok, one... two... three." He lifted her up to a standing position, almost effortlessly since she was so thin, but for Kensi wasn't the same. The sudden movement sent jolts of pain through her entire body, and she involuntarily let a gasp escape her. She breathed heavily, trying to find balance, but when she moved and made a step, her weak legs sank under her, and she would have fallen face first if he hadn't grabbed her in time.

"Easy, it's ok. I've got you. Here, take a few steps." As he helped her walking towards the door, Deeks got more and more worried. He knew she needed this, but they were losing time, and time was essential. They had to hurry, otherwise the helicopter would leave them in that desert. He was just so glad that the adrenaline he had given her was speeding up her recovery process. Kensi noticed the same thing as well, as she felt increasingly more steady on her legs. At first she thought it was weird, since she couldn't remember the last time she had actually walked without being dragged around, but then she realized it was probably because of the injection she had received. When she was sure she could walk without risking of falling down, she informed him and he nodded, adjusting her arm around his neck.

"Alright Kensi, we're moving. Once we are out, we'll have to run up the hill to our extract point, it's three minutes away. Don't worry, I'll help you. Now, when we start moving I want you to hold on to me and run as fast you can. It's gonna be hard, but I'm here. One more thing, don't stop. Never stop until we arrive to destination, ok?"

"Ye... yeah, ok." She managed to say, collecting her strength. He led her to the door and briefly stopped, to assure she was ready.

"I'm gonna count. On my three we go, yes? Right, then. One... two..." They suddenly heard screaming and shootings from outside.

"Now! Go, go, go!" He screamed agitated and they stormed out of the room as fast as possible. Running forward, she saw two men on the ground, and a soldier coming from behind a corner gesturing them to hurry. When they entered the hallway Kensi saw another soldier waiting for them with a kid who seemed paralyzed by fear.

"We have to move, sir. They're coming from the main entrance, we can't stay here any longer." They briefed them while they were running, without stopping. They could hear voices coming from behind them, so they sped up, Kensi struggling to keep up with them. They had arrived at the end of the corridor when something caught her attention. In front of her were the bodies of six men, but it was only one of them that caused her to slow down, eyes fixated on him. Collapsed on the ground, with a wounded leg and his head bleeding, was Dawar. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. It was unreal. Looking at him now, he seemed so powerless, so weak, nothing like the intimidating man she had come to fear during her time there. She was like hypnotized, but that moment didn't last and she had to snap out of it when Deeks shook her.

"Come on Kensi, we can't stop." He had understood something about that man had distressed her, but he couldn't afford to think about that now, he had more important problems, and they definitely couldn't waste any more time. They had to get out of there, so he pushed her to keep moving as they worked all the way backwards to the exit.

Eventually, after what seemed like ages, they arrived to the door on the back of the compound. Kensi was exhausted, she was having problems breathing and her legs were burning. All she wanted to do was rest but she knew she couldn't. The man holding her and helping her needed her to resist a bit more, and for him she would do that. She would do anything. With that thought to drive her, she forced her legs to keep moving and finally she crossed the gateway and went out in the open.

For a second she forgot about the desperate situation they were in, about the shootings, about the men coming to kill them. No, the only thing she focused on was the cool breeze on her face. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt wind caressing her skin, and she had forgotten how beautiful it was. She would have wanted to revel in that moment forever but, as quickly as it had started, as quickly it ended, and she was forced to start running again.

"This is the hard part, just hold on to me." Deeks said to her when they started climbing up the hill. Kensi tried to follow him, moving as fast as possible, but she was losing strength, the ground was rocky and she was barefoot, her feet bleeding with new injuries with every step. In the end she put her foot on a sharp rock and the sudden pain caused her to fall to the ground, dragging Deeks down too. He rapidly got up and gestured the other three men to keep moving, then he turned and addressed his partner, who was still down.

"Give me your hand, come on." She just shook her head, looking desperately at him.

"Deeks I'm slowing you down. We can't make it, you know it too. Please, just... you have to..."

"No!" He cut her off. He wouldn't have listened to this. "Don't even say it ok? There's no way I'm leaving without you, so give me your damn hand and get up!" She was about to answer to him when a bullet passed right next to his face, and she grabbed his hand moving him away from the line of fire. She looked back and saw a group of taliban running towards them.

"They're approaching fast Deeks. Even if I move, with my feet in this condition we won't go far and they'll get us. Please, please. I can't let them take you, I wouldn't be able to stand it. Just go, save your life, there's no way we can both get out of this." Deeks stared into her eyes and realized that she was serious. She really wanted him to leave her there, and he couldn't understand it. How she could even think that he would actually do that, he didn't really know. He would prefer being killed than losing her again. He had to find a solution. Yes, she was right. She couldn't walk any longer, but he could. And that was enough.

"Yes, there is a way Fern." Completely ignoring the confused look on her face he lifted her up and started running again, carrying her on his back. It was a desperate move: yes, she was so thin that she would have felt almost weightless under other circumstances, but he was already worn-out, was running uphill and there were enemies shooting at them. Determination was the only thing that was keeping him going.

Eventually, he didn't even know how, they arrived on the top. Kensi could feel him shaking because of the impossible strain, and when she heard him speak again, totally out of breath, she felt like he was talking more to himself than to her.

"It's ok. We're almost there. We're almost there, hang on. Don't give up..." It was breaking her heart that he was pointlessly suffering because of her, but all her attempts at stopping him had failed, so now she could only hope that he would succeed and put an end to this. All of this, all these efforts made her think about what a wonderful man he really was, so pure and selfless and brave, and about the fact that she wasn't worthy of him, she didn't deserve him.

While he was running towards extraction point, she heard shoutings coming from behind her and she realized the taliban were getting closer. Her eyes started burning, because she knew what would happen. They would catch, bring them back to that hellhole and she would take her place back into her room, not before being forced to watch him, to watch this wonderful man being killed or tortured to death, and it would be all her fault.

She was lost in her sad and desperate considerations, when she suddenly heard him scream.

"We're here!" She raised her eyes and saw two choppers in front of them. One was already up in the sky, while the other was leaving the ground, ready to take off.

"Wait! Don't go! We're here!" As bullets started flying around them, they both realized why the helicopter couldn't stop: their enemies were approaching, closer than ever. At that point, Deeks did the only thing he could do: he used every bit of strength left and ran even faster. They were too close to stop now. With this final effort he managed to arrive next to the chopper and, since it was already up, he quickly put Kensi down only to lift her up again from the waist, so that the other agents could take her inside. Once he was sure she was safe he extended his arm to be lifted up himself, but as he was getting inside, a bullet grazed his hip and he lost his grip.

"Deeks!" Once she realized what was about to happen Kensi, without even thinking, sprang forward and grabbed his arm, immediately helped by the other soldiers. He stayed dangling outside the chopper for a few interminable moments, until finally they managed to pull him inside and close the hatch, effectively making them safe. He stayed on the cabin's floor, trying to catch his breath, Kensi next to him, her breathing uneven just like his.

"Deeks, are you ok?" He just nodded, but she was really concerned.

"You got shot, let me..."

"Hey..." Hearing the distress in her tone he interrupted her, locking eyes with her. "It's just a scratch. Don't worry. I'm good. Are you good?" She drew in a breath and bit her lip nervously, not really sure on what to say. Was she good? She honestly didn't know. She didn't know if she could ever be good again after... everything. She opened her mouth to try and give him some sort of answer, but was gladly interrupted when one of the SF guys addressed Deeks.

"Sir, you're wanted on the radio." He reluctantly took his eyes away from her and got up, entering the cockpit where he was given the mic.

"Yes?"

"Deeks, are you alright? We had to leave, there were too many of them. Are you guys all good?" He reassured Sam, not wanting him to feel guilty for the risky situation.

"No, yeah... we're... we're all good."

"...Was the package retrieved?" His slight hesitation and his use of military terminology to talk about a friend gave away how worried he really was. Deeks himself hesitated before answering, before making it official, overwhelmed by the fact that it wasn't just in his mind, it was real. So he swallowed hard and then chuckled.

"Kensi says hi." He heard Sam let out a breath in relief, and he understood that they had never really believed that they could have been successful. Hell, even he hadn't been sure about this insane mission. Sam's laugh caught his attention again.

"Yeah well, I've never been happier of being wrong. Great work Deeks. We'll see you at the base. Wow, this is a good day. A really good day." Still laughing, Sam closed communication, and Deeks couldn't help but smile himself for a moment. Then, pulling himself together, he leaned toward the pilot.

"Let's get the hell out of here." With that he left the cockpit and went back to where he knew she was. With the corner of the eye he caught sight of Benham basically passed out from exhaustion on one of the seats. He owed that kid everything, and he would've made sure to thank him and reward him. He owed him for the rest of his life. It didn't matter how important he'd been to him, though. When he turned his head to the left, everything disappeared, a brunette the only thing on his mind. Slowly he moved towards her and sat next to her, not moving or saying anything. The moment he sat down he felt tiredness and fatigue hit him and he felt very tempted to close his eyes and drift away. He didn't want to do it, though. He would have plenty of time to rest, just not now. Now he wouldn't sleep, because she was close to him, breathing, alive, and he wanted to savour every second of that. So he forced his eyes to remain open, and he simply waited. Without pushing her in any way, he just sat there, simply reveling in their closeness.

On her part, Kensi had sensed him sitting next to her. She had sensed his presence since he had come back from the cockpit, it's just that she was focused on something else. Pressing her head against the window she couldn't take her eyes away from the sight in front of her, something she hadn't seen in such a long time that she had forgotten what it felt like experiencing it. She was completely, utterly enraptured by the sight of the sun rising from behind the mountains, covering the sky and the land in all shades of red and orange. That moment, as beautiful as it was, was destroyed when she looked down and saw the reason why she hadn't been able to remember what a sunrise looked like. The compound that had been her home and hell for so long, was becoming smaller and smaller as they were getting away from it, appearing almost insignificant, not scary at all, as if it was a normal building, as if nothing had happened in there. But it wasn't like that. A lot had happened, to her and because of her, and she wasn't the same woman, not anymore.

As the adrenaline started wearing out, she suddenly felt all the weight of the recent events sink in and she felt the tears behind her eyes as reality finally hit her fully. She had gotten away. For real. She was on a chopper, headed to a safe place, with him by her side. She felt herself breaking down and, choking back a sob, she turned around to look at him, to look into his eyes, hoping to find some peace. Failing to steady her faltering voice, with a tone both hopeful and terrified, she asked him the question.

"Are we really out of there?" Deeks didn't answer, he himself on the verge of tears for seeing her so broken. They stared into each other's eyes for a few more seconds then, no talking between them, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug. At first he felt her shaking, but when she hugged him back he felt warmth filling him. She was in his arms, he would have wanted to stay like that forever. Trying to convey all his love in that gesture, he held her even tighter and placed his chin on her head, like he wanted to protect her from everything. They were together. They were two broken souls, but they were together, nothing else was important. They didn't move, they didn't do anything, just finding comfort one in the other, no words between them except for a single whisper, repeated by him over and over again, like a prayer, like a promise.

"We're going home."


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi guys! Sorry sorry sorry about updating so late, but as I said I had exams. How are you doing? How was your weekend? I'm so tired, I'm barely sleeping to study and I even got a cold, my usual luck :) As always, thank you so much for your support and response. I reached 30 reviews and almost 20 favorites. WOW! You are amazing. You make me really glad everyday and I can see that my time and my efforts are not wasted! Also I want to thank Guestt. He/she made me notice some minor mistakes in my previous chapter. If anyone else has something else like that to say, please let me know. Your comments can only make me write better! So, here's a brand new chapter. Jope you like it, I kinda struggled with this a bit. Just let me know what you think about it, reviews are my drug! =)**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Deeks held Kensi in his arms until they arrived at Camp Chapman. She hadn't moved or said anything throughout the entire journey. He had simply held her trying to soothe her, to somehow comfort her through his embrace, and at a certain point he had felt her stop trembling and relax. She was so still in his arms that he had though she had fallen asleep, so he had stopped whispering to her and hadn't moved, fearing to wake her up. Even when the chopper had landed he hadn't moved, completely lost in that moment, focused on how it felt to have her next to him again, to be able to touch her again. It took him a while to realize that they had arrived at destination but when he did, he forced himself to let go of her, an action that proved to be almost physically painful to him. He waited for the others to leave the cabin, wanting to give her the time she needed to wake up, not wanting to rush things, but when he focused his attention back to her, he was surprised to find her already awake, her eyes open but distant.

"Kens?" He called her, hoping to get some sort of response that didn't come. She was staring into nothing, lost in her own thoughts. He realized she was probably still trying to process everything that had happened, trying to convince her mind that it was real, that it wasn't all a dream. He had done the exact same thing days before, when he had found out that she was alive. If it was for him, he would have given her all the time in the world, he would have waited patiently next to her until she was ready but, unfortunately, it wasn't up to him and they couldn't tie up a helicopter that was almost certainly needed by someone else, so, reluctantly, he tried once again to get her to react.

"Hey, Kensi?" It worked this time. She blinked and slowly lifted her eyes to him, not answering though.

"We're at the camp. We... we should go. If you want... I mean, if you need a few more minutes..." She interrupted him, shaking her head. When she finally talked he almost didn't hear her, so weak and hoarse her voice was.

"No, uhm... it's ok. Let's... let's go." Deeks nodded, got up and extended his hand, helping her stand up from her seat. They took a couple of steps when he noticed that she was limping, her left foot bleeding quite heavily. The moment he saw that, he immediatly lifted her up bridal style, to stop her from hurting herself more, but his action only caused her to start protesting.

"No, Deeks. Just... uhm... just put me down, ok? I, I can walk." He shook his head, ignoring her request.

"Are you crazy? Why didn't you tell me you were injured like that? There's no way you can walk with your foot in that condition. It's ok, I can carry you, it's not a probl..."

"No." He was taken aback when she abruptly cut him off. "I don't want this, ok? Put. Me. Down. I can do it. I... I can." Looking at her he realized that he had been an idiot. He'd thought that her protests were only a result of her stubborness and her obstination in doing everything by herself, but now, staring into her eyes, seeing the plea hidden behind them, he understood that this was way more serious than he had originally thought. This wasn't about her being too stubborn to ask for help. No, this was about being able to choose something without being forced to do something else. This was about her wanting desperately to have some sort of control over what was happening to her. God, he should have seen this before. He should have never tried to impose something on her. She'd had zero control on her life during this months, it was perfectly normal for her to want that control back now. As soon as he understood his mistake, Deeks promptly put her down, careful not to make her rest her weight on the injured foot.

"Thank you, and, uh... I'm sorry. It's just, uhm..." Seeing that she had lowered her eyes, like she was imbarassed by her behaviour, he quickly stopped her to reassure her.

"No, hey. I am sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I should have waited for you to say it was ok. You did nothing wrong." He waited for a sign that she had acknowledged his words, and in the end she timidly nodded but, even when doing that, she still held her eyes fixated on the floor. He hated that it was all his fault, that he had caused this. He couldn't go back now though, so he cleared his throat and tried to get past all the ugly situation.

"Well... if you wanna walk it's fine, but I think you should at least let me help you. What do you think?" He asked permission this time, showing her that she could choose whatever she wanted. Kensi on her part stayed quiet for a moment before mumbling a positive answer. Once he heard it, he nodded and gently took her arm.

"Ok so... hold on to me and try not to rest your weight on the foot. When we start moving, if you're in pain or you feel some sort of discomfort or, I don't know... you're simply tired, you tell me and we stop. Are you ready?" Just as before, all he got was a nod and a mumble.

"Ok, here we go." Deeks adjusted her arm around his neck and they finally got off the helicopter. Once on the ground, he waited for her to find the right balance and then they started moving. He could clearly see that it was very difficult for her, and at every wince of pain he would ask her if she wanted to stop, only to always get a negative answer in return. It was killing him to see her so in pain and not to be able to do anything. Had it been for him, he would have taken her in his arms and he would have made her rest, but there was no way he would have tried to force her to do something, not after what had happened. So he did exactly what she'd asked him to do. He held her, stopping her from falling down every once in a while and he helped her with this endeavour. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but think that there was something deeply wrong with the fact that Kensi, a woman whose nickname was Badass Blye, was now so weak that she even needed help to stand on her feet. He wasn't used to see her like this. He just couldn't drive away this thought from his mind.

He was taken out of his thoughts when, after having finally entered the camp, he heard a whistle and saw two men walking towards them. When they got closer, Deeks stopped and he saw the expression of shock on their faces slowly turn into one of happiness.

"Allahu Akbar." Deeks heard Sam whisper, then he put a hand on Kensi's shoulder while Callen passed a hand on his face in disbelief. Their little sister was really in front of them. They had succeded with their impossible mission. It was something so shocking that neither one of them could even try to break the ice through one of their usual jokes.

"Kensi, you're here. We... we really didn't think it was possible, but, God... this is one of the best days ever."

"It's, uh... it's nice to see you too guys." Deeks turned to look at her and saw a tentative smile appear on her face. He immediatly noticed though that her voice was uncertain and she was struggling to meet the eyes of her friends. Also, one of the other things that was concerning him was seeing her slightly shuddering when Sam had touched her; it had been really subtle but he hadn't missed it. She was probably still trying to figure out everything and all this sudden attention, even if coming from her friends, was likely upsetting. Wanting to save her as much discomfort as possible, he interrupted the awkward silence that had now fallen.

"Guys, I think we should go. I'm taking her to see the doc, she needs him for the... the foot. See you later, ok?" They both glanced down at her feet and then they nodded, having both perfectly understood what Deeks was really doing. So they simply said bye and left them momentarily alone. As they started walking again, Deeks couldn't help but ask her how she was after that encounter.

"Are you ok?" He wasn't expecting her to talk extensively, but he had to admit that it was kinda frustrating to get just another nod for an answer. He knew he could have tried again and maybe he would have even gotten something more out of her, but he didn't want to push her. Right now even hearing her mumble or seeing her nod was enough to him, because it was more than he'd had in a too-long time. If she didn't feel like talking at all, he would have respected that.

Therefore, they covered the last yards missing in silence until they eventually arrived to the medical tent. By the time they got there Kensi was breathing with difficulty and could barely stand, so they quickly got inside and he made her sit on one of the beds. As soon as they got in, they were rapidly approached by a doctor, a short grey-haired man probably in his 50's.

"I'm Liutenent Marcus Dillard. How can I help you?"

"She needs medical assistance." Dillard looked at the thin, silent woman covered in dirt, taking in her conditions. He turned to the blonde man to ask more informations.

"What is the problem?" The problem? Deeks could have started from the beginning, saying that she had been held captive for more than eight months while everyone believed she was dead, so nobody had looked for her and that he had no idea what had been done to her during all that time, but he wanted to be sure that Kensi was ok with him telling what had happened to her to a stranger, and now he didn't have that certainty. So he focused on their most recent problem and told the doc about her injury.

"She cut her foot on a rock and it's been bleeding for a while now." Dillard nodded and crouched in front of her to look at her cut but, as soon as he did that, she quickly retreated her foot, like she didn't want him to touch her. He sighed annoyed by the situation. He had things to do. He really didn't have time for this.

"Can you please tell her to be still, and that I need to look at her foot to be able to help her?" Deeks glared at the doctor, wanting to punch him in the face for using that tone. But still, getting into a fight now would have been of no use so he got closer to Kensi and spoke to her gently.

"Kensi, you need this ok? You gotta listen to the doctor." He waited for some response from her. She seemed so unsure of everything, her eyes were distant like before and he could see that her face was sporting an expression in the midst between sad and afraid. He waited for her to ponder on his words, and eventually he knew they had had an effect because he saw her leg relax as she stretched it towards the Liutenent.

"Ok, it's not too deep but it'll still need stitches and...wait. What the hell?" As he was checking her he noticed something that shocked him, so he quickly grabbed her other foot, just to see confirmation of what he'd thought. Damn. He felt so sorry now for how he'd treated the girl. He lifted his eyes and with sympathy he asked her what he already knew.

"What happened?" Deeks moved to see what had upset the doctor so much and, when he finally saw them, he drew a breath through his clenched teeth and he felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Back in the compound, in the darkness of that room, with everything that was going on, he had barely noticed them and when he had, he'd told his brain not to focus on them. But now they were in plain sight and he couldn't take his eyes away from them, it was too shocking. Apart from the fresh cut and minor scrapes, the entire sole of her feet was covered in scars. Deep, long, angry-looking scars. There were several of them, so many that he couldn't even count them, and they were so horrifying that they were making her nasty cut look like an irrelevant little scratch. He forced himself to look away from them and raised his eyes to look at her, who still hadn't answered the doctor's question. He could clearly see how uncomfortable she was: she was slightly shifting on the bed and her eyes were wandering in the room, staring at everything and nothing. She tried to speak more than once until she was actually able to find the words, and she finally whispered something, her croaked voice wavering.

"I... uhm... they're... it was a... a rattan cane." If Deeks was beyond upset and was struggling really hard to keep it together, Dillard was just extremely sad. Yes, because thanks to his job he could very well understand what this girl had suffered. Thanks to his job he knew that foot whipping was one of the most excruciating things possible because, even after continuous beatings, the foot couldn't go numb like other body parts. His medical studies caused him to know that the perception of pain on the contrary would only escalate with an increasing number of strokes, to the point of becoming simply unbearable, and unfortunately this girl had received a great deal of strokes. It was in days like these that he hated his job and being in that country. He smiled sadly to the brunette. The best he could do for her now was his job.

"I'll take what I need and I'll be back immediatly to stitch your foot." While leaving he realized that he hadn't gotten an answer from any of them.

Kensi just didn't care, and Deeks was still trying to overcome the sick feeling that had risen inside him. They had hurt her, they had hurt her really bad. He couldn't get his head around the fact that he'd just had proof that Kensi, his Kensi, his sunshine, had been tortured. She had experienced exactly what he had hoped she would've never had to experience in her life. He could feel a lump forming in his throat as he swallowed hard, struggling with words.

"How? I mean, uh... why were you..." Understanding what he was trying to ask, Kensi answered quickly this time. She really wanted to put an end to this conversation, she didn't want to dwell on it, she didn't want to think about it.

"I tried to escape and, uhm... they, they didn't like it. When they caught me, they decided this was the...uh... the best way to keep me from trying again. Or... the funniest." She met his eyes only for a moment and immediatly looked away, unable to sustain his pained expression. She hated that he was suffering for her, and she couldn't absolutely stand to see the look of guilt written all over his face.

"But it's ok now... I mean, they're old so..."

Deeks stared at her with his eyes open wide. She was trying to comfort him. She was the one who had been tortured, the one whose feet had been split open with a cane, and yet she felt like she had to sooth him. It should have been the opposite. This was just wrong. And still he couldn't do anything but stare at her like an idiot, too upset to talk. He wished he could find something to say to her, but his mind was blank, and nothing he could think of would have been of any help. What could he really say to make things better? To make easier the fact that she had been tortured for fun? Besides, she didn't want to talk about this, he could tell by her body language. He could see the tension in her shoulders and her eyes were focusing on everything but him. She was so uncomfortable with this that she couldn't even manage to look at him in the eyes. He really wanted her to know that she had nothing to be imbarassed about. They communicated with their looks, it was what they did, words only messing things up, but now how could he communicate with her if she wasn't even looking at him? Like this he couldn't do anything to help her, so he passed a hand through his hair and opened his mouth to get her to lift her eyes, but before he could even start he was interrupted by the doctor, who had just come back. Too late. The moment had passed.

"It won't take too long. You can wait outside if you want." Deeks understood Dillard was talking to him and he shook his head.

"No... I'll stay here." That said, he took a seat and just waited in silence, watching the doctor treat the injury on Kensi's foot. Sitting there, he finally had the chance to look at her, to take in every detail he had missed during those eventful hours. Focusing clearly on her appearance for the first time since the rescue, the relief and happiness he had experienced finding her alive, slowly started to turn in concern and sadness. She was much thinner than he remembered, he had already noticed that, and her hair was longer. Her cheekbones were much more protuding, she had dark circles around her eyes and her lips were not only cracked, but she also had a small cut on the bottom one. He clenched his jaw thinking that the only way to get an injury like that was being punched in the face.

Observing her more though, he realized that her physical appearance wasn't the most unusual thing about her. As upsetting that was, nothing was worrying Deeks more than her behaviour. She was quiet, way too quiet. She wasn't giving any attention to what the doctor was doing, but he could also see that she wasn't giving attention to anything at all. Her eyes were simply wandering in the room. Her eyes, they were really unsettling him. Yes, because where he was used to see joy, life, fire, sparkle, now there was nothing. Her eyes were distant, cold and empty. It was like someone had taken all the light away from them. Sitting there, lost, engulfed in that too-big shirt and slightly hunched forward, she looked nothing like the strong, radiant woman he remembered. She seemed so small, so vulnerable, and for a moment he wondered if he had looked like that when she had found him tied to that chair more than a year ago.

"Do you have any other injury you need me to take care of?" Deeks heard the doctor say while he was working on her foot.

"...no" He had noticed it. The hesitation before answering the question. He didn't want to think about it, but her indecision was basically a proof that she was in fact hurt more than she was letting on. The rational part of his brain knew very well that they couldn't have found her healty as a horse after such a long captivity, but he was now dreading to think about what might have happened to her. The information he had was already bad enough, and he was trying really hard to stop his imagination from running wild, from making him think about all the horrors that she might have suffered. No matter how hard he was trying though, looking at her he couldn't help but think that, to make his Kensi so fragile, something really horrific had definetly happened to her and, knowing she had been there for more than eight months, his mind was tormenting him with possibilities.

As much as he wanted to stay with her, he was almost glad when Callen peeked out from behind the tent to call him, putting a stop to his horrible thoughts. He got up and addressed Kensi, who had barely acknowledged the presence of her friend.

"I'm going out for five minutes. Is it ok for you Kens?" She weakly nodded.

"Yeah, it's fine. Go..." He sighed. He really would have wanted her to look at him, at least once, but he realized that wasn't going to happen now, so he assured her he wouldn't have stayed away for long once again and then followed Callen out. Few feet away, Sam was waiting for them and they quickly approached him.

"Are you alright Deeks?" It was the first thing his big friend asked, pointing at his side. That was the first time he realized that he was bleeding.

"No, I'm ok. It's just a scratch, nothing to worry about. What about you and the guys in your units?"

"Two of them were shot but doc said they're gonna be ok. No casualties." Deeks sighed in relief. Finally something good, he needed that. Their impossible mission had gone better than anyone expected. After taking in what they had said though, he got straight to the point. He didn't want to leave Kensi alone for too long.

"So... what did you two guys wanted to talk to me about?" The partners exchanged looks before Sam answered him.

"Ok, there are two things. The first one, I think you're gonna like it, the second one... probably not so much. We were upset about it too." Deeks nodded, interested and concerned at the same time. He gestured for them to go on.

"First news. Granger just ordered an air strike on the compound. In a matter of hours there will be nothing left of that place." Deeks knew he shouldn't have been so happy about someone being killed, but he couldn't help it. Those men had taken Kensi away from him, they had hurt her. He remembered the way she had stopped to look at the unconscious man who had the keys to her cell. He didn't know what he had done to her to cause her to freeze like that, but he knew it couldn't be anything good, and because of that Deeks could only be happy for what was going to happen to him and to the other men in that building.

"Ok, I guess this is the good news, so what's the other one?" He asked curious and this time it was Callen who spoke.

"We just received a call from Hetty. We have a plane in one hour."

"No, it's too soon. Kensi needs a full medical examination. Now the doctor's treating her foot but she has to be examined." He was quickly interrupted.

"That's exactly why Hetty wants us to leave now, as soon as the medic finishes with her foot. Here there are so many things to worry about that her examination would be rushed, and Hetty wants her check-up to be very thorough, without rushing things." After they explained him their boss' reasons, Deeks realized she was right. It was better this way, Kensi would have had the attention she deserved.

"Ok, that makes sense. Alright, if that's it, guys, I'm going to tell her. She needs to be prepared, the 18 hours flight to LA is probably going to be really exhausting." Before he could move though, Sam stopped him. They hadn't done talking, and seeing them hesitate, Deeks realized that he was about to hear the part he wasn't going to like.

"Deeks... we're not going to Los Angeles. At least not now." He was confused now. What the hell were they talking about?

"What, why? This doesn't make any sense. Where else should we go?"

"Washington. Once there Kensi will be taken to the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, where she will receive all the medical attention she needs." Deeks was trying really hard to understand the reason behind this decision, but he couldn't find anything. He was in the dark.

"Ok, but I really don't get why she can't go to a hospital in LA. Seriously, it would be the same thing, but she would be home. Why did Hetty choose this?" Callen's next words took him completely by surprise.

"It wasn't Hetty... It was Vance." At first Deeks was only more baffled but, after the initial shock, he slowly started to understand what that meant and his first reaction was to smile in disbelief. No, this wasn't true.

"You're kidding me right? I mean, this is a joke." Seeing that his friends' faces were dead serious, he finally realized the truth behind Callen's words and, dropped his smile, in less than a second he went from surprised to incredulous to eventually angry. He couldn't do that to her, not so soon.

"No, I don't accept this. This is just bullshit!"

"Same reaction we had..." Sam mumbled to himself, as Deeks wemt on lashing out his anger.

"I mean, he cannot do this. I don't care that he's the director, she's not back yet and he wants to subject her to this? No. No way." Callen was feeling exactly like him, but he had to make Deeks calm down. Losing it like that was pointless.

"Deeks, we can't avoid this. He ordered this meeting with Kensi. Apparently it's more important to have the confirmation that no sensitive information about the agency was revealed rather than the agent's well-being. I'm as angry as you, but we can't do anything about this." Deeks was clenching his fists and breathing really heavily, trying somehow to mantain control over himself. And yet all he could feel was rage rising inside him. There had to be a solution to this, a way to spare Kensi this.

"What about Hetty? I can't believe that she would agree to this..."

"She doesn't." Sam interrupted him. "She made that very clear on the phone. The thing is... her hands are tied. She was caught running an operation that had been strictly forbidden. Sending us here to rescue Kensi she basically bypassed the NCIS Director, questioning his authority, and you can guess that he's not too happy about it. She has no say in this. It's already a big thing that she prevented all of us to be subjected to repercussions. She protected us from losing our job, but she cannot do anything about Kensi."

After that, Deeks let out a long breath and closed his eyes, rubbing angrily his lids. He didn't care about all Sam had just said. He would have preferred dealing with the repercussions himself. Hell, he would have even preferred losing his job rather than put her through something like this. He knew exactly what that meeting was going to be like, and she didn't deserve that.

"She was the one who was held captive for eight months. For more than eight months. She lived in hell for all this time, being interrogated and subjected to... to God knows what, and yet NCIS Director Leon Vance is going to treat her like a traitor. She was the prisoner of war criminals and she suffered at their hands, and he wants to interrogate her like she's one of them." Now that shock and anger had passed, his voice was cold, harsh. On their part, Sam and Callen perfectly agreed with him and were as upset as he was, but there was nothing helpful to say or that would have solved the current situation. All Sam could do was simply state what was obvious to all of them.

"It sucks."

Yeah, Deeks thought. It sucked. It wasn't fair. Hadn't she endured enough? Eight months of captivity weren't enough, she had to be treated also like she had done something wrong. He couldn't deal with it. What was concerning him was also the fact that he wasn't sure she was gonna be able to handle the meeting. Right now, in her current state, he knew she couldn't have. This was what was pissing him off the most. He could have almost accepted it further on, but not like this, not so soon. Vance wasn't even giving her the time to rest, to recover. She needed that, she needed a moment to breathe after all... this. He was dreading to think about all that could have happened to her at the hands of that White... hold on. He turned his attention back to Sam and Callen, a thought suddenly crossing his mind.

"Guys, I just thought about it. When I was in the compound I didn't find this White Ghost. Did you see him during the shooting?" They slowly shook their heads.

"There was no Westerner outside. We're sure about that. We thought he was inside."

When he heard that, Deeks folded his arms on his chest, letting out a sigh of frustration. Great, just great. This day had just gotten worse. Sure, finding out that Vance was gonna interrogate Kensi like a common criminal was bad, but the fact that the man responsible for her imprisonement was probably still alive and free somewhere definetly won the prize for worst news of the day. In the months he had thought she was dead, he had thought about him everyday. He had thought about hunting him, finding him and emptying his clip in his head, because one bullet wouldn't have been enough. When he had seen her alive that had changed. He had completely forgotten about that man. All he cared about was having her next to him again, everything that wasn't her had totally left his mind, and he had enjoyed that state of serenity and happiness for a few hours. But now, after seeing her like that, after having realized how hurt she was, the need to get his hands on the one who had made her suffer had resurfaced, and he couldn't stand the idea that he was gonna go unpunished for what he'd done. He had an awful amount of anger inside him, but he struggled really hard to swallow it, to drive it away. That wasn't important now. No, he had to think only about one thing. He had to focus on her, on being there for her. From the look she had given him on the chopper, that look so desperate and hopeful at the same time, he knew she needed him, even if she wasn't going to admit it. His presence, his calmness. She needed that, she didn't need someone blinded by rage. He had to calm down, now. For her.

"Ok, well... That's not our main problem right now. Let's just get Kensi out of this goddamn place. She needs to go home as soon as possible. She... she needs us." He said resigned, talking almost more to himself than to the two agents in front of him.

"How is she, Deeks?" Sam asked timidely. "I mean, is she ok?"

How could he answer that question? Yes, she was alive. She was breathing and walking, but that didn't mean anything. If he hadn't given her the adrenaline she probably wouldn't have been able even to stand, and that definetly meant that she wasn't so good. He turned his eyes to the medical tent next to them, where she was being treated. He thought he knew her, he thought he knew his partner, but that woman sitting inside the tent, he had no idea what to think about her. She looked just so defenceless, so... so breakable. And Kensi Blye wasn't breakable. He had no idea what they had done to her, but it was scary even to think about what could have reduce her like that. The picture of her scarred feet was burned in his mind, and what was worse was that he couldn't help but think that he had only scratched the surface of what had really happened to her during all that time.. Even if he wanted to help her with all his heart, he was scared out of his mind of what he could have found out about her. Because eight months were a really long time and possibilities... possibilities were endless.

_Is she ok? _He thought back to what Sam had asked him. He still hadn't given him an answer, but finally he raised his eyes and, meeting the ones of his friend, he simply whispered the only thing he was sure of.

"No."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi everybody! How are you doing? Here started raining again -_- However I'm not gonna think about that, but instead I'm gonna focus on my 80 followers! 80! And almost 40 reviews! Guys, I have no words. Every week you bring me joy. That's all I can say. =) With that, you know how it works by now. Here's chapter 7. Super long...**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

_He's standing right outside the building and, through the open door, at the end of the corridor, he sees her. She's there and she's running towards him. He smiles, happiness filling his heart, because he knows that in seconds she will be in his arms. She's still too far away for him to see clearly her face, but he notices that she seems agitated, almost scared. There's no need, he thinks. Everything is fine, she doesn't have to worry about everything, in just a moment they're gonna be together again._

_She gets closer and closer to him and he's glad to see her expression changing, anxiety turning in hope and joy. His heart starts beating faster in anticipation and he stretches an arm towards her. She's almost there. Just a few more steps, just a few more moments and she will be next to him again. His girl. His smile widens and he starts counting backwards. She's so close, he can almost touch her. It's only a matter of seconds. Five... four... three... two... then everything changes._

_Just as she's about to cross the doorway, out of nowhere a man appears behind her and hits her on the back of the head with the butt of his gun. He sees her fall on the ground and his happiness turns into horror. No no no. This can't be happening. Not now, not when they're this close. From behind corners and doors he had failed to notice, other men start to come out to join the one who's holding her down. There are too many of them, she's completely surrounded and, even if she tries to fight, there is nothing she can do. That's when it happens. They start beating her. They hit her, they punch her, they kick her. Together, violently, unrelentingly. Observing the horrific scene, he feels rage surging in him like never before. He wants to kill all of them, he won't let them hurt her. He's ready to run towards her to stop this atrocity when suddenly something makes his blood run cold. He can't move. No matter how hard he tries he's stuck. None of his muscles work, he's completely frozen. He puts all of his efforts, all of his energies in taking those few steps that separate them, because he has to get to her, he has to protect her, but he just can't. And that's when he realizes it. He can't do anything, he's forced to watch this, he's forced to witness this abuse without being able to prevent it. No. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to watch her being hurt, he'd rather being beaten himself. He even tries this. He tries to catch their attention, to drive them away from her, but his voice is stuck in his throat. He can't speak. He's powerless. Completely and utterly powerless._

_It feels like it's been an eternity when they finally stop hitting her. He can clearly see that she's weak and in pain but still she tries to struggle when they grab her from her arms and start dragging her away, in the depths of that hellhole. That's when something weird happens. He follows them. He can move again, but he still has no control, his legs are moving on their own accord. He can't stop, he couldn't even if he wanted to. All he can do is involuntarily go after them until they walk through the entire corridor backwards and arrive to a room. Once inside they force her on a chair and tie her hands behind the seatback, so that she cannot fight back, then they cuff her bare feet together with a chain coming from the ceiling and, with a quick jerk, they lift her legs up. He feels like he's gonna be sick. He can't stand that he cannot do anything. His legs are frozen once again. He wants to stop this with all his heart but, he doesn't know why, he just can't. On her part, she's not someone who gives up so easily, so she's still struggling, but he can see that she's obviously afraid. Her eyes give her away. He wants to scream in frustration when he realizes that he cannot even try and comfort her. They're both helpless, stuck in this horror. __Suddenly, out of a dark corner, another man comes out and slowly approaches her. He knows exactly who this man is. _

_Tall, short brown hair, big nose, scar on the left eyebrow. And dark eyes. The most evil eyes he has ever seen. He's in front of him. The White Ghost. Hate like he has never experienced invades him, but this feeling quickly turns into sheer terror when he notices what he's holding in his hands. His petrified body is shaken by tremors because he knows what's coming next. He knows what that long, hard cane serves for. He strains against the invisible force that's holding him still, but it's pointless. Nothing works. He's doomed to stay there and watch the scene. That's all he can do. Watch. He watches that man take a few more steps towards her and, when he addresses her with a sneer on his face, his desire to kill him only grows stronger._

_"Alright. Let's see if you feel like running away again after this."_

_Anguish and despair are eating him alive as he unwillingly observes what's about to happen. As he's desperately trying to act and stop this, she's desperately trying to get free. She fights and thrashes wildly on the chair as the monster lifts the arm holding the cane but, right before the hideous man strikes her, all her struggles cease, she goes completely still and does something unexpected. She turns her head and looks at him. She looks at him straight in the eyes and he can see that fear and angst have left her face, to be replaced by bitterness and coldness. And it's coldly that she whispers the five words. The five words that annihilate him._

_"You should have saved me."_

_Then the cane smashes into her feet and she screams._

_He fights to run in front of her and shield her, but he can't._

_She screams._

_He tries to shout at that beast disguised as a human to tell him to torture him and not her, but he can't._

_She screams._

_He prays to God for a miracle and tries to cover his ears because he can't stand to listen to her suffering, but he can't._

_She screams._

_She screams._

_She screams..._

"Deeks? Deeks, wake up." Deeks' eyes snapped open and he shot up from his seat, gasping, his breath ragged. He blinked repeatedly, trying to focus, and when he finally did he turned his head and found himself facing a concerned Sam. That's when he realized that it had been a nightmare, that he was still on the plane to Washington._  
_

"Are you ok?" He nodded to his friend to reassure him, when suddeny a thought hit him. If Sam was now there and had tried to wake him up, that meant he had heard him, and if he had heard him, then maybe she... He stretched his neck and looked at the front seats, to try and see if she had noticed anything, but all he managed to see was the back of her head resting against the seat.

"It's fine, she's still sleeping." Sam said sitting next to him. He had understood immediately what Deeks was worried about. "Even Callen didn't notice anything. I only did because I was sitting right behind you and I heard you wheezing." Deeks passed a hand on his face and sighed in relief, feeling his heartbeat slowing down. He was so glad that she hadn't woken up. She had enough things to think about now, he didn't want to add worthless troubles to the ones she already had. He was happy now that he had chosen not to sit next to her, fearing that if he had, she would have felt like he wasn't giving her any space. It hadn't been an easy choice, but now it had proved to be convenient. Exhaling deeply, he flopped down against the seatback, feeling increasingly calmer with each breath.

"Bad dream?" His friend asked. Deeks just nodded. To him, it was an understatement to call that a bad dream. It had easily been one of the ugliest nightmares he'd ever had, comparable only to the ones about his torture at the hands of Sidorov, and maybe even worse, because her being hurt was the thing he feared the most in the world, the one thing he couldn't bear to think about. If that wasn't bad enough, this one hadn't even been the first nightmare. Throughout the long hours they had spent on the plane, everytime he had tried to close his eyes and get some rest, his mind had kept torturing him with those horrific images. With every dream the details were slightly different, but the core was always the same: her, trying and failing to escape, and him, forced to watch her being caned.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really..." He quickly answered. There's no way he could talk about those dreams. The sound of her screams was still haunting him and if he wanted to keep it together he had to stop thinking about it. The only problem was that he couldn't. Ever since he had seen the scars on her feet and had heard her hurried explanation of them, he had kept thinking about how that could have been like. Given that he only had close-to-none information about what she had endured, his imagination was filling in the blanks, providing him with the worst scenarios possible. The last nightmare in particular had been specially dreadful because, added to the horror of watching her being tortured had been what he could only describe as a projection of his sense of guilt. The darkest part of that dream indeed had been not her torture, but her cold words. Because if he could try and dismiss his nightmare as just that, a nightmare, a figment of his imagination, he knew that what she had said was very real. He should have saved her. He should have prevented this. She had experienced torture because he hadn't gotten to her sooner, and no matter how many times he could try and think that he had no way of knowing that she was still alive, he still felt guilty as hell.

He also couldn't stop seeing in his mind the worried and sad look on the doctor's face after he had realized what had happened to her. That was only making things worse. That man was an army doctor and, working in a war zone, he was definitely used to all kinds of emergencies and atrocities. So, thinking back to the medic's reaction, Deeks couldn't help but be terrifed. He had no idea what caning was like but to make a trained military doctor react like that it had to be really bad. He rationally knew that he should have stopped, that he was only hurting himself with this thoughts, but he felt like he had to know something, otherwise it would be only worse for him.

He couldn't ask Kensi, obviously. He would never make her relive something so horrible just for his curiosity, but he had to find some sort of solution to his problem, so he did the only thing that seemed rational and, without even turning, he addressed the man sitting next to him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Sam answered.

"You were a SEAL, right? So during your time in the military you probably knew or... I don't know, came in contact with comrades who were subjected to... interrogation."

"...mmm, yes?" He said, not really sure where this was going. On his part, when he heard that, Deeks lowered his eyes and took a long breath before posing his real question.

"Ok, so what I really wanted to ask you is... What do you know about, uhm... foot whipping?" For a moment Sam was taken aback by his question, but when he finally realized what this was about a veil of sorrow clouded his face.

"Deeks. Don't do it, man. You're just torturing yourself. You can't go back in time, now all you have to think about is that she's alive and we're going home."

"You don't get it." Deeks clenched his jaw. "I need to know what she suffered."

"Why?" He was cut off by his friend. "So that you can blame yourself even more? Deeks, it's pointless. She's safe now, thanks to you. Focus on that. Yes, she's probably been through something horrible, but she's back with us. She's back with you. You can deal with everything else later." Deeks looked up and opened his mouth to protest but one quick glance to the agent made him understand that nothing he could say would have made him change his mind.

"You're not gonna tell me anything, are you?"

"I don't even know much about it but still, the little I know wouldn't give you any relief. So just let it go and try to think about what I said to you." Deeks didn't know if Sam had realized it, but with his words he had only worsened things for him because refusing to talk about that was a sign that it was actually something more horrific than he thought. No matter how hard he wanted to push him to keep talking, he sighed heavily and kept quiet, aware that their conversation was over and he wasn't going to get anything out his friend. So what he did was rest his head against the seatback and stare blankly ahead of him. He stayed awake, to avoid any possible nightmare, and instead forced his mind to focus exactly on what Sam had told him.

_She's safe._ He repeated that to himself over and over again. That remained the only thing in his mind, the only thing he thought of until, he didn't know after how long, he finally heard the announcement that they had landed. He got up and stretched his back, stiff after so many hours seated. After that, he went to grab his bag but, once he did, he turned and noticed that Kensi hadn't moved. He walked to her to wake her up but once there he stopped.

She was still sleeping like he'd thought, but now that he could actually see her up close she looked so peaceful, so troublefree. Looking at her sleeping like that, for a second he forgot all his worries and, as warmth filled his heart, the glimpse of a smile appeared on his face. God, he had missed her so much. He would have wanted her to stay like that, in that bubble of calmness, where he could watch over her, where nothing could hurt her, but he knew what he really had to do.

So he moved closer and whispered to her softly, trying to wake her up.

"Fern?" No answer. He tried again, this time putting a hand on her shoulder and gently shaking her.

"Kensi? Wake up, princess..." He felt her stir, slowly coming out of her sleep. Without thinking, his hand lightly squeezed her shoulder, but what was meant as a comforting gesture caused something totally unexpected: the moment his hand tightened, her eyes snapped open and she abruptly jerked away, pressing against the window, her feral eyes wandering around as if trying to figure out where she was.

Deeks wasn't smiling anymore. No, he was in shock. He had been an idiot to think that they could stay in a bubble of serenity. There was no bubble, no serenity, no calmness. There was just... this: this fear... this pain...

Once he overcame the shock of what had just happened, he slowly lowered the arm that was still stretched forward and closed his hand into a tight fist, focusing on the feeling of the nails digging into the skin. She still hadn't looked at him. It took her a while to do that. A few moments passed before she regained control over herself and, once her breathing finally slowed down and their eyes met, it was actually him the one who looked away, trying not to let her see the hurt on his face.

"We... uh... we just landed." He said clearing his throat.

"Oh... ok." Kensi said softly and with the corner of his eye he saw her getting up slowly.

"Do you need help getting off the plane?" He could hear his voice starting to break.

"No..."

"Very well, then. I'll see you at the hospital." He said quickly, then turned and walked to the exit of the plane, getting rapidly out of it. As he entered one of the two cars waiting for them outside, he was assaulted by remorse. He had been so cold with her, he had left her alone. But he couldn't have done otherwise: staying there any longer would have meant breaking down in front of her, and he couldn't let her feel guilty for what had happened.

Why? Why was everything so horrible? Why couldn't she be ok? Why couldn't he be ok? Why couldn't he hold her in his arms and heal her with his presence?

He didn't even notice when Sam sat next to him and they started moving, following the car before them, the car she was in. He just kept thinking about that moment. He had scared her, she had retreated from him like she feared he was going to harm her. He knew that she probably hadn't been aware of what was going on, but it still had hurt like hell to see her shy away from his touch. He shouldn't have run away like that, but he had totally been taken by surprise and he hadn't had enough time to put himself together. So now she was in another car, probably thinking it was her fault, and he was here, away from her, eaten by regret. Nice work.

He didn't know for how long they traveled but finally they got to the hospital. Sam got out of the car immediately, but he stayed inside a minute more, thinking to what he was going to say to her to apologize. In the end, no matter how hard he thought, nothing good came to his mind, so he decided to simply go to her and say he was sorry. As soon as he made up his mind, he got out quickly but was baffled to see that he was alone. He stormed into the hospital looking for the others, thinking that they couldn't have gone so far, he had been in the car only for minutes. He was getting increasingly agitated when finally he spotted the huge figure of Sam, in front of an elevator, and ran to him.

"Sam, what the hell? Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Sorry Deeks. As soon as we got out of the car they wanted to bring Kensi in immediately." It had been Callen the one to talk. He almost didn't hear him. He was focused on the fact that one person wasn't with them.

"Where is Kensi?"

"A doctor already took her to be examined. They knew we were coming. We're going to her floor now." Deeks passed a hand through his hair, downhearted.

"Her examination is already started? Great..." He sighed in frustration, angry at himself for having waited so much before getting out of that damn car. He had lost the chance to speak to her, and now who knew how long they would've had to wait.

"Don't worry. You'll talk to her once she's out." Sam reassured him. He had seen what had happened on the plane and knew why his friend was so upset.

After giving Sam a small nod, Deeks followed them in the elevator and they arrived to the floor where Kensi was. After asking information, they were led to a waiting room right next to the one where she was being treated and, once they got inside, Deeks found another surprise waiting for him, fortunately a good one this time. He had just opened the door when he felt himself being dragged down and found a pair of arms around his neck, holding him in a tight hug. It took him a second to realize who that person was.

"Nell?" The analyst let go of him and, even though she was smiling, he saw that her eyes were glistening and he chose to think that they were happy tears.

"What are you doing here?" She let out a small laugh.

"What do you think I'm doing here, uh? As soon as Hetty told me everything that had happened I told her I wanted to come here with her. Eric stayed in LA to supervise Ops. When I heard about Vance I knew I wasn't going to wait a minute more to see you guys and... to see her." Nell always seemed so put together but Deeks could see how affected she was by the situation.

"Did you see her?" he asked as they sat one next to each other.

"Just for a moment. She looked... worn out."

"Yeah, you can say that." Deeks answered sadly. Nell noticed his pained tone and understood that he definitely knew something bad that she didn't. She didn't want him to be grim, though, so she tried to make him think about something optimistic.

"Well, we have all the time in the world to worry. Now let's focus on what's good. My God, you did it guys! You brought her home." Then she addressed Deeks more quietly, staring at him straight in the eyes, so that he understood how grateful she was to him.

"You brought her home."

His friend's kind words and her smile made him slowly relax as he allowed himself to put his worries aside for a moment and just enjoy the presence of the little red-head. She had a calming effect on him, even in a moment like this. He didn't even think about the fact that he hadn't seen Hetty around, even though Nell had told him that they had come here together. He decided to focus only on the fact that she was there, making waiting for news about Kensi much easier.

In the beginning they talked about everything and nothing, enjoying each other's company and trying to distract themselves, but after a while, as time went by, their concern started rising again and eventually silence fell in the room. Nervous, Deeks glanced at his watch and was surprised to see that it had been more than four hours. His anxiety increased. Why were they taking so long? It should have been a simple examination. Were her conditions worse than he thought? Was she in such a bad shape that it was taking all this time to assess her state?

He rubbed his temples, trying to ease the constant throbbing pain that was tormenting him. As he rested his head against the wall, he finally became aware of how exhausted he really was: he hadn't slept at all on the plane and his last few days hadn't exactly been the most relaxing of his life. The weight of the recent events suddenly crushed him and he felt dead tired. His eyelids became heavier and heavier as he was slowly losing his battle against sleep, and in the end he actually began to drift off, when suddenly the door of their room opened, effectively waking him up. Looking up he found himself staring at a doctor with two charts in his hands and an interrogative look on his face.

"Did anyone of you see Ms. Lange? I told her to wait for me, but now I have no idea where she is." Callen stood up and approached the doctor.

"Yes, she has the habit of disappearing. No, we didn't see her but you can tell me. I'm the head of the team and I report directly to her." The doctor smiled but shook his head.

"Sorry Agent, but I was told to speak only with her." At that point Deeks was standing too, and he was getting nervous. Why was this doctor refusing to talk with them? If he had information about Kensi he wanted to know.

"Is there a problem doctor? Agent Blye is a member of our team. You can talk to us. I don't know what Hetty told you but we have every right to know about..."

"Calm down Mr. Deeks." The doctor turned, startled by the sudden voice and him and the others saw that Hetty had appeared and was now standing on the doorway. She entered the room and, basically ignoring her team she addressed the doctor.

"I'm sorry that I kept you waiting, Dr Conley. I was caught in an important phone call. Now, do you have what I asked you?" The doctor nodded and handed her the two charts.

"Yes. Everything is in there. Two copies, as requested. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I really should go. I have other patients." Hetty nodded and shook his hand.

"No, I understand, and I have everything I need. Thank you doctor." After he left, Hetty found herself being the subject of her agents' interrogative stares, but before anyone of them could start asking question, she spoke, effectively interrupting them.

"Ms Blye will stay here a bit longer, to complete her treatment. In the meantime, there's no need for you to stay here. Go back to the cars outside. You will be taken to the Courtyard Washington Capitol Hill Hotel in Washington. There's already a reservation for all of you. Tomorrow is a long day, you should all get some rest. You'll see Ms Blye in the morning. Now, do as I said agents, and it's not an advice. Goodnight." And just like that she left the room, leaving all of them in complete shock. The first one to get a grip was Deeks, who turned to Nell, looking for an explanation about his boss' absurd behaviour.

"You knew about this? She shook her head confused.

"No, I have no idea why she's doing this."

With that Deeks saw red. He was tired of Hetty's games, of her knowing everything without sharing anything, of her never explaining her decisions, of her expecting for them to blindly obey every order without questions. He wasn't going to accept this, not when it involved Kensi. So instead he exited the room and went after her, finally spotting her at the end of the hallway.

"Hey... Hey!" When she heard him, she slowly turned around and waited for him to approach her.

"Use a different tone when you're talking to me, Mr Deeks." His nostrils flared as he tried to keep it together.

"What's going on, Hetty? I wanna know it."

"Nothing is going on, please believe me. I just think that it is better for everyone to get some rest." Deeks shook his head, he wasn't buying it.

"No, it's not true. Did you see her? Is that it? You saw her and something's not right, isn't it? Did you speak with her doctor? What did he tell you? How is she? I mean, is she..." His anger was fading away, to be replaced by a sense of apprehension, fear and concern. He was dead scared that Hetty could know something horrible about what had happened to Kensi, and that's why she didn't want them to know. So now his mind was making him think the worst things and he was getting anxious.

"Mr Deeks, please." She had noticed how agitated he had become in a matter of seconds. "I only saw her for a brief moment. I know nothing, alright?" Deeks exhaled heavily hearing what she had just said, but with her words he was hit again by confusion.

"But, if it's not that, then why...?"

"Kensi has been through a very trying ordeal. She just came back and the first thing she did was being examined for hours, and that is not a pleasant or relaxing experience. She's weary and exhausted. I do not want her to feel suffocated. That is the reason Mr Deeks. Now that I explained it to you, can I please go and can you do as I told you? I am not an evil monster. I'm doing in everyone's best interest. In Kensi's best interest."

Deeks was glad that for once Hetty had actually explained him her behaviour, but still he didn't agree with her decision. She was saying that she was doing it for Kensi, but how couldn't she see that they needed each other? That his presence there could be nothing but helpful to Kensi? Besides, he still had to apologize to her about the plane thing and he didn't want to wait till next morning. So he stopped her again, not caring that she was becoming more and more annoyed.

"Sorry Hetty. I get it ok? I swear, I do. But I don't think this is the right thing to do. I know Kensi, and I know that I should stay with her, so let me..."

"See, you are showing me that you don't understand." Hetty interrupted him. She didn't want to come to this, really, but right now she knew that the agent wasn't thinking straight and so she was going to have to be harsh to make him realize that she knew what she was doing.

"I know you two have a special bond and that you are better when you are together. But this situation is different, is more delicate. Mr. Deeks, I don't think you need to be reminded that you didn't even want to look at her after Sidorov." That put an end to his protests and she saw his expression changing into shocked and pained, and she realized how much she had hurt him with her words. She would have wanted to take back her words, to tell him instead that he could stay with his partner all he wanted, but she knew in her heart that she was doing the right thing for Kensi. So she straightened up and put on her usual cold mask.

"Think about that, Mr Deeks. Goodnight." With that she turned and walked away, and he didn't follow her this time.

She got out of the hospital as fast as possible, thinking that by going away quickly she would have stopped thinking about how she had treated her team and she would have stopped feeling guilty for what she had said to Deeks. It didn't happen. All the way to the car her only thought was how cruel she had been for reopening that old wound. Only when she was in the silence of her vehicle her mind stopped tormenting her, and that only because she had another thing to think about.

She told her driver to take her to the NCIS Headquarters, then she put the divider up and there, in complete privacy, taking a long breath she finally opened one of the two folders the doctor had given her: Kensi's medical records. Even before opening it she knew it was going to be bad, given that it was one of the biggest charts she had ever seen, but nothing could have prepared her for what she found.

Throughout the 45 minutes it took to reach her destination, she was sucked into a vortex of horror she didn't think existed. She felt nausea rising in her as she saw the pictures of the damage inflicted on Kensi's body and read the details of what her agent, the closest thing she had to a daughter, had endured. The atrocities she had suffered at the hands of monsters. Monsters, beasts. That's what they were, because she didn't believe that someone could be described as a human being and then be capable of inflicting cruelty and suffering like that. She had dealt with the worst people in her career, she had seen bad things, but this was on a complete different level. It was like sinking into a nightmare: even trying to imagine what it must have been like to go through something like that was too much. She really couldn't understand how her agent could still be alive.

When they finally arrived to the NCIS building she was shaking. With rage, with shock, with sorrow. She had barely been able to keep herself together up to that point, but it was when she got to the last page that she lost it. Reading the doctor's last notes about the kind of damage Kensi had suffered she felt something inside of her break and that control that she still had left flew out of the window. There, after so many years since the last time it had happened, Hetty Lange started crying.

* * *

Kensi was standing in the middle of the hotel room, not really knowing what to do. It was still all too surreal to her: barely a day ago she was lying chained in a dark, dirty cell, sure that that was how she was going to spend the rest of her life, and now she was free and was in a clean, perfumed room also equipped with background music. It should have been relaxing but instead it was just annoying, almost on the verge of intolerable, and that ridiculous jingle was making her head pound like crazy. So she finally moved, went near the loudspeaker and turned it off and, as silence fell in the room, her mind got a bit clearer and the hammering decreased.

With her eyes closed she thought back to the events of the previous hours: after her examination had ended the doctor had attached her to an IV to rehydrate her she'd had to stay in hospital for another hour. When they had finally cleared her to go and she had exited the room, she had been surprised to find only two agents she didn't know and nobody from her team waiting for her. As they had escorted her to a car and then all the way to the hotel, she had thought about the reasons behind that and finally she had realized that it had been Hetty's work. Even though a part of her had been really sad to see that Deeks wasn't there, another part of her couldn't help but admit that she'd been somewhat glad. With what had happened on the plane she knew that he would want to talk immediately about that and after the examination she definitely wouldn't be up for a confrontation. Of course she wanted to talk to him, and apologize about snapping like that, but in the hospital she knew she wouldn't have been able to do it.

She had spent hours being examined, inspected, photographed, questioned about every mark, injury, every detail. All that long process had forced her to think back, to relive everything that had caused her to be in that hospital room and that had stirred feelings and emotions that she thought she had managed to suppress long ago. In that state, talking about her reaction on the plane, about the memories that had resurfaced through that hand on her shoulder, would have been simply unbearable to her, and even though she felt guilty for having hurt him with her behaviour, she was glad that she hadn't had to face him yet.

Now, in that hotel room, thinking about all that made her feel dirty all of a sudden. Dirtier than she had felt in a really long time, because now she had the knowledge that someone else had witnessed how filthy she was. He had seen how filthy she was. An unpleasant tingling started coursing through her body and it took her a while to remember that she wasn't a prisoner anymore, and that she could actually make things a bit better. She could shower.

Once she realized that she kicked away the boots that Deeks had found for her in Afghanistan and slowly made her way to the bathroom but, once she got inside, before turning the lights on she paused. The room was dark but she was very much aware that in front of her was a mirror, and that was scaring her. She knew what her body was like, but she hadn't had the chance to look at herself fully in more than eight months, and she was afraid of who, or actually what she was going to see reflected in that mirror. Still in the dark, she removed the rags covering her body until she was fully naked, then she took a long breath and, mustering her courage, she finally flicked the switch on. When she saw her reflection she froze.

That wasn't her. That couldn't be her. She had a vague memory of who Kensi Marie Blye was, of what she looked like, and that woman in the mirror was nothing like that. It seemed like someone had sucked the life out of her, she looked like a ghost. She was as pale as a corpse and, even though they had kind of cleansed her in the hospital, her face was still covered in dirt. But it wasn't just that. Her cheeks were much more gaunt and if once her body was toned, fit, muscular, now she was so thin that she could basically count her ribs. What disturbed her the most, though, were her eyes: she had always liked them, their colour contrast the thing she was most proud of, the thing that made her unique. She had always loved how lively and deep they were, capable of communicating everything, capable of intimidating a criminal or of making Deeks know what she struggled to say through words. But now all that was gone: they were hollow, not conveying any emotion. It was like looking inside two deep, dark, empty pits.

That sight was too much and she lowered her eyes, looking away from the mirror and staring blankly into nothing. She didn't need to check the rest of her body, the initial glance was more than enough. She knew her scars, she knew every mark that marred her body, she remembered each and every one of them, how they had been inflicted and when. Even with her back, where it was more difficult to look, all it took was running a hand over her skin to know exactly in what condition it was. She should have been upset, angry, sad, but instead all she thought was that it was appropriate. She was damaged outside as she was inside, she was disgusting in her body and in her soul, she was broken physically, mentally and spiritually.

With that thought on her mind she got in the shower and turned it on, moving the mixer faucet all the way to hot. When the spray hit her at first she involuntarily shuddered, but immediately after, a moan left her mouth and she closed her eyes, reveling in the long forgotten feeling of hot water warming up her body. That was the second time in eight months that she had felt a sense of well-being, the first time when Deeks had held her in his arms on the chopper. It felt good, really good. The water was relaxing her and giving her some of her strength back and, for the briefest moment, she actually forgot about everything. For a moment she was just an ordinary girl taking a shower. When she opened her eyes though, looking down she saw the dirt and the blood that the hot jet was washing away and it all came back to her. That bit of happiness that she had achieved disappeared all together because she knew she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve happiness, she didn't deserve to feel good, she didn't deserve to be alive. Thinking about that, any kind of pleasure that she could have gotten out of that shower simply vanished and she felt the need to get out of there. So she proceeded to wash herself mechanically, scrubbing every inch of her body even when the sponge, coming in contact with some of her more fresh wounds, would give her a stinging sensation. She focused solely on trying to get clean.

She didn't know for how long she stayed there but eventually she closed the water and stepped out of the shower. It had been useless, she thought. Yes, she had washed herself thoroughly and her body was now clean, but she felt like that she was still as dirty as before.

She kept still for a few more moments then, as she started freezing, she let out a breath, took a towel and wrapped it around her body, drying herself off. She spotted a small hair dryer near the sink, but she just ignored it and chose to towel-dry her hair, letting air do the rest of the work. Once she was completely dry and her hair wasn't wet anymore, but simply damp, she removed the towel, left it on the floor and came back into the bedroom, but as she did that a thought hit her and she stopped: she had no clothes. All she owned was that shirt and pants Deeks had found her in when he had rescued her. She turned around and stared at that garments discarded on the bathroom floor. There was no way she was going to wear those again, not after she had showered, but she didn't even want to stay naked, to sleep naked. Doing that would only bring back nasty memories.

For a minute she reflected on what to do and in the end she walked to the bed and put on the bathrobe that was folded on top of it. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing, and it gave her a sense of protection that, no matter she knew was irrational, still managed to provide her with comfort.

Once some sort of solution to her problem was found, Kensi suddenly felt extremely tired, exhausted. The flight and the hours spent being examined at the hospital had completely worn her out. Besides, that shower had had a really sleep-inducing effect, probably because it had been the first time in months that she had allowed her body and mind to actually relax, even if briefly, and now she was having problems keeping her eyes open. Even standing was becoming really hard so, also because she didn't know what else to do, she decided to go to sleep, hoping that it would have helped her feel a little better.

It didn't go as she wanted though. As soon as she turned off the lights and laid on the bed her eyes snapped open. She shifted repeatedly trying to get comfortable, but it was all in vain, so she sat up and sighed. She couldn't sleep there: the bed was too soft, too squashy. It felt like floating on an air mattress in the middle of the ocean and just lying there she had felt nausea rising. There was no way she was going to get some rest there, so she clenched her jaw in frustration and got up.

There was only one thing she could do: she removed the comforter from the bed and spread it on the floor, so to use it as a mattress, then she took one pillow and a sheet and then she laid on that improvised bed. Much better. At least it didn't feel like she was sleeping on jelly. But even there, staring blankly at the ceiling, she couldn't fall asleep. This time it wasn't her body to trouble her, it was her mind: she couldn't stop thinking to the reason she wasn't able to sleep on a bed anymore. She couldn't stop thinking that, even thought sleeping on the floor was reminding her of the months spent in that cell, she couldn't do otherwise. She wanted to stop all that, she wanted to stop thinking about her time as a prisoner in Afghanistan, but at the same time she couldn't think about anything else, and knowing that tomorrow she was going to have to talk about it to Vance was something enough scary to keep her awake.

She tried then to empty her mind, to focus only on her heartbeat and on her breathing and after a while it actually started working and she felt her lids becoming heavy again. Just as she was about to drift off, though, something caught her attention and she opened her eyes again.

Someone was knocking on her door. She rubbed her eyes and got up, but now everything was quiet. She had heard something, but it had been so soft that she wasn't even sure it had been a real knock. After few more seconds of silence she convinced herself that she had imagined it and she was about to lie down again, when she heard the sound once more, stronger this time.

"Kensi?"

She recognized immediately that voice. What the hell was Deeks doing outside her room? For a moment she stood there, hesitant, thinking that she could have simply pretended to be sleeping, so not to be forced to confront him, but in the end her subconscious eagerness to see him drove her to her door and, after turning the lights on, she opened it and found herself face to face with him.

She had done the right thing. Just seeing him was enough to give her some sort of serenity and, even though when he smiled she couldn't bring herself to smile back, she was happy to see him, there in front of her.

"Hey there... I, uhm, I wasn't sure if you were awake. Is this ok? Were you sleeping?" She shook her head and he let out a breath of relief, passing a hand through his hair. She had missed watching him do that.

"So... I know probably Hetty will put my head on a spear but, uhm... can I come in for just a minute?" At first it scared her. She didn't know what he wanted and that was making her anxious so she didn't answer right away. Seeing her hesitate he immediately tried to reassure her.

"It's ok if you don't want to... seriously if you don't feel like..."

"It's fine." She interrupted him. "Come in." She had decided that it was absurd to be anxious about Deeks and, even though she didn't feel like talking at all, she enjoyed having him next to her.

She gestured for him to come inside and then she closed the door behind them. Once in the room she noticed he was as nervous as she was, because he kept looking around and biting his lower lip, like he didn't know what to do.

"You look... better." He finally said.

"Yeah, uh... the shower helped." He nodded and got quiet again, silence filled the room. Thinking it would have been awkward to stare at her too long, he let his eyes wander around until he stopped fidgeting when he saw the sheets on the floor.

"Camping?" He asked chuckling, trying to loose the tension. She wished she could laugh at that like him.

"It's just... I still have to get used to the bed." Once he heard that, Deeks felt a heart pang, thinking about what must have been like to sleep on the floor for so long. His soul filled with sorrow at the thought that she had probably spent all the eight months like he had found her, chained, lying on that dirty floor.

Kensi immediately saw how he had changed expression and she felt bad for having hurt him once again. She lowered her eyes embarrassed but he took her by surprise.

"Yeah, it's not too great. The blanket is itchy, the pillow is too hard, the mattress is too soft, you sink in it, it's like it's made of jam. Nope, me and my spine don't like it. I actually could do just like you. Given all that the floor seems a much better choice." She looked up and saw him grinning. Finally the glimpse of a smile appeared on her face too. What he had just done, the way he had turned something bad in a chance to make her smile, that was the reason he was the most important person in the world to her...

"Is that a smile that I see?" He asked playfully, then his voice got more serious and toned down to a whisper. "God, I missed that... I missed you, so much..."

That confession, so blunt, so unexpected, caught her unprepared and instead of being happy about it, her smile dropped and she retreated in herself. He had missed a woman that was gone. She knew he thought that he had her back again, but she wasn't the same person he remembered. She couldn't give him what he wanted, she couldn't be that person anymore.

She felt a lump in her throat but she forced herself to keep it together, and when she finally addressed him tension was back between them once again.

"Why... What are you doing here Deeks?" He was a bit taken aback by her tone. He had expected another reaction after what he had said to her, but he had no right to judge her or to demand something from her. After what she had been through he felt like she had every right to feel or behave however she wanted. So he went along with her and focused on what she had asked.

"Actually for two things. The first one, and probably the most important, is because I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what happened on the plane." Kensi couldn't believe that he was apologizing to her when she was the one who had hurt him.

"Deeks... You don't have to tell me you're sorry. I'm the one who should apologize, I'm the one who snapped like..."

"No, listen to me." He interrupted her. "I startled you. You were still... I don't know, confused, and you reacted impulsively. I should have understood that, and instead I ran away leaving you alone. I'm in the wrong, not you. So I owe you an apology. I'm sorry Kensi." She stared at him silently for a few seconds, trying to figure out how this man could be so good. Then she slowly nodded.

"Ok. I think you have nothing to be sorry for, but if that's what you need, then I accept your apology. But only if you accept mine." He was the one to nod this time, also breathing out in relief, glad that they had solved that ugly situation. They had both gotten it off their chest and, even if there was still awkwardness between them, at least all that tension had reduced.

"So, what is the other thing?" Kensi asked and he blinked repeatedly, shaking his head.

"Idiot, I was almost forgetting about it. It's... this." He handed her a plastic bag she hadn't noticed before, she didn't know how, and she opened it, curious and a bit scared. What was inside surprised her, and she looked at Deeks, amazed.

"Sorry it took me so long but it was kinda hard to find a clothing store still opened after 9 p.m." He said as she took out of the bag the clothes he had bought for her: there was underwear, socks, a pair of jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, a polo and a nightshirt. She was astonished. She didn't know what to say to him.

"Deeks... I..."

"It's fine, no big deal." He interrupted her seeing that she was struggling with words. "I mean, it's not like you can have a meeting with NCIS director wearing only...that" He gestured to the bathrobe she had on.

"It was nothing, really." He went on, more seriously. "I just wanted to do something for you." Listening to what he had said, and how he had said it, Kensi felt tears starting to burn behind her eyes. Standing in front of her was the most wonderful man on Earth and, she couldn't understand why, he cared about her. She didn't know what she had done to deserve him, or better she knew she didn't deserve him, but still he was there, taking care of her, wanting to help her, and she couldn't be grateful enough for that. She just wished she was able to tell him how important he really was to her.

She placed the clothes on the bed and then turned to him again, looking straight into his eyes, and trying to find the right words.

"Deeks, you didn't have... All this is... This, this means a lot to me." Staring at him, she repeated that again, with much more confidence this time. "It means a lot."

"Well, it was my pleasure." He shrugged and smiled, and for a second she saw his eyes brighten up with joy. Then, he passed a hand through his hair and, once that magical moment was gone, he pulled himself together and spoke to her again.

"So, now that is all done, I guess I should leave you to rest. I imagine you need it. About tomorrow, do you want to go alone or do you prefer that we go toge..." He suddenly stopped talking when he noticed it. As soon as he saw it blood froze in his veins and he felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. So focused on the happiness he had felt when she had thanked him for his gift, in the beginning he hadn't noticed that, when she had put the clothes on the bed, her bathrobe had moved, uncovering her left shoulder. But now... now he could see it clearly. He could see the circular scar between her shoulder and her collarbone. At first glance, he mistook it for a gunshot wound, but then, looking better, he felt a sick feeling creeping up on him, as he realized where he had seen a similar mark: on his walls, when he'd been remodeling his apartment. It was in that moment that he understood that nothing could have inflicted a wound like that other than a power drill. If he had felt bad thinking about foot whipping, this was just making him feel ready to throw up.

On the other hand, Kensi at first didn't understand why he had frozen like that, but then, as she she saw his expression changing, she followed his line of sight and with horror she finally realized what had happened. She immediately covered her shoulder and scar, but she knew it was too late, he had already seen it. She met his eyes for a brief moment, but seeing the pain and anguish on his face she rapidly broke eye contact and lowered her head.

"Kensi..." He started with a small, broken voice.

"I think you should go." She cut him off, trying to steady her wavering voice as best as she could.

"Please, Kens..."

"Seriously Deeks, just go. I'll be... I'll be fine." She wasn't even looking at him, she couldn't, but she realized he had complied when she heard him sigh and with the corner of her eye saw him walk to the door. She didn't move from where she was, not even when she heard the door open. She just stood completely still, as if she was hoping that it was going to make her disappear.

It was only after she heard his timid "I'm sorry..." and the door close that she allowed herself to react. She started trembling and, as she put a hand in her hair, she couldn't stop a sob from escaping her mouth. She had ruined everything. Everything. With her carelessness she had managed to spoil even that brief moment of calmness she had experienced with him. She had seen the pain and sadness and pity written on his face and that was the worst part. Worse than the shame, than the humiliation, was knowing that he had seen once again just how broken she was. Why? Why did he have to see it? Why did she have to mess things up?

She didn't know how long she stood there, replaying in her head that awful scene, his horrified expression in particular. It could have been a minute or an hour when her shaking finally stopped and exhaustion hit her full force, making even standing there an impossible challenge. This last event had taken away all the energies she had left and now she felt like she was on the verge of passing out. So she forced her tired body to move, she removed the bathrobe replacing it with her new nightshirt, and finally she lied down.

As soon as she rested her head on the pillow she felt her lids becoming heavy, but a part of her still tried to stop her from falling asleep. She wasn't in the best state of mind and she was afraid of what she was going to see. As sleep started making itself heard, she tried to think about something good, about something that made her happy, so she tried to focus on his smile when she had acknowledged their thing for the first time, so long ago that it felt like another life. That thought actually made her relax but, as she started to drift off, the image started fading away. She used all her strength to try and cling to that happy memory but in the end she lost that impossible battle and, finally, she lost consciousness.

_The cuffs were cutting into her already bruised wrists, rubbing and peeling away the skin. Tied on that chair, all she was aware of was pain. Pain in every single part of her body. Her head was hanging down, her chin touching her chest, blood was coming out of her mouth and all she wanted was to pass out. She was trying really hard to resist but it just hurt too much. _She didn't have strength anymore, she needed this to stop. She started feeling dizzy and she hoped that it was it, that maybe she was actually fainting, but when he lightly slapped her on the cheek, her head started clearing again and she unwillingly focused again.__

__"Oh, sweetie, are you falling asleep? Well, we can have that, it's too soon. Try and hold on for me for at least another couple of hours. You're a tough cookie, I know you can do that. Now, what do you say? Ready for another round?"__

__A shudder ran through her body and she closed her eyes, the sound of the drill being turned on again ringing in her ears.__


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi guys! Even if I'm late, happy Easter to those who celebrated it! How are you all? As always I have to thank you for your support and response, you guys are the best, although, I have to say that I noticed a decrease in the number of reviews. You are amazing, and I truly love you all but, and I honestly don't want to be arrogant in any way, can I please ask you to review? Even if to say simply that you liked it or you didn't... I would really appreciate that, I think other writers can understand the joy of receiving reviews. However, I'm still hugely grateful for your response and I think I have to make a special thanks to blue dogs rock and K0nflicti0n, who revied and commented my story constantly from the beginning. Thank you thank you thank you. **

**With that... Chapter 8 it is! Enjoy and Review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Kensi curled her right hand into a fist to try and stop it from shaking like that. Tormented by nightmares, she had barely gotten some rest that night, and now she was nervous. So nervous. As they were approaching the NCIS Headquarters she was becoming increasingly anxious, and the only thing that was helping her keep it together was Deeks, sitting by her side in the car. He was a silent, strong, comforting presence and knowing that he was there for her, that she wasn't alone, was giving her some sort of relief.

She had been completely taken by surprise when that morning she had found him waiting for her in the lobby of the hotel. After how she had treated him last night, after she had thrown him out of her room, she had expected him to not want to see her, but once again he had amazed her. As she had spotted him, she had stopped in the middle of the hall and, when their eyes had met, she had looked away, too ashamed to face him. On the contrary, he had approached her confidently and, once next to her he hadn't said anything. He had patiently waited until she had mustered the courage to timidly look at him. Only then he had addressed her, firmly and softly at the same time.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I know you probably didn't want me to see that. But now that it happened, I don't want you to worry about it. Don't be ashamed, or imbarassed, because I would never think less of you. It's not something you need to be anxious about. The only thing you have to think about now is today's meeting. Nothing else. And I'll be with you, because I know it's something that probably scares you. If you want me to, I'll stay next to you. What happened yesterday doesn't change anything. I'm not going anywhere. Ok?"

After he'd said that, she had lost her speech. She had looked into his eyes and had seen only care and love, no trace of the revulsion and pity she had thought she would have found. Not being able to utter a word, she had simply nodded, trying at the same time to figure out when he had become so good with words. She was still feeling broken, ruined, but he had witnessed a small part of that damage and hadn't run away, and for the moment that was enough for her.

So now here they were, one next to each other and, as they were reaching their destination, it had become clear in her mind that she couldn't have done this without him there. He was truly her rock.

When the car slowed down and eventually stopped, she realized that they had arrived and panic began to set in. Her heart started racing and her shaking came back, stronger than before. Her trembling intensified even more until she felt him lightly place his hand on hers. That sudden touch didn't startle her like it had happened on the plane, she didn't recoil from it. Instead calmness washed over her and her heartbeat started slowing down as she reveled in the feeling of his thumb ever-so-softly caressing the back of her hand.

"It's ok." He whispered. "Breathe. It's gonna be fine." She did as told, took a few long breaths and gradually she felt her anxiety beginning to disappear. His words, his presence his touch, created a sense of safety around her and she started to relax, focusing on his soothing touch that went on until her trembling defintively stopped. She turned to look at him and, since she didn't trust her voice too much in that moment, she tried to convey through her eyes how grateful she was for him being there and for what he had just done.

"Ready?" She hesitated before answering his question. She would have wanted to tell him that she didn't want to get out of that car, that she wanted to stay next to him, where she felt protected, would have wanted to tell him to send away their driver and to take her away, it wasn't important where as long as he was with her. But instead of saying all that, she just nodded and mumbled a yes. He gave her a caring and supporting look and then turned to get out of the vehicle. He wasn't fast enough to put his hand on the car door, though, that this was opened from outside and they surprisingly found themselves face to face with their boss.

"Good morning. I hope you rested well tonight." Deeks mumbled a yes and, even if he didn't react, he noticed that Kensi hadn't answered the question and, just like him, Hetty too noticed that, but she played along and kept talking. "Now... Before we go inside, I need a few moments alone with Ms Blye. Do you mind, Mr Deeks?" He hesitated, ready to complain, but her words put a stop to his protests.

"It's fine. It'll take a minute, just wait for me." After she whispered that, he still wavered for a moment but in the end he complied and, reluctantly leaving her hand, he got out of the car to be replaced by Hetty, who closed the door behind her and told the driver to leave. By her line of action Kensi understood that her boss wanted their conversation to be private, and nervousism started to take possession of her once again. She stared ahead of her, waiting to hear what Hetty had to say to her. It took longer then she expected for the older woman to start speaking.

"I wanted to tell you personally how glad I am that you are alive, Ms Blye and... that I'm really sorry about this situation. I tried to stop it, really." Kensi nodded, knowing that she was being honest. She knew that even Hetty Lange couldn't defy Vance's orders more than once.

"It's...ok, Hetty."

"No, it's not." She was cut off. "You just came back. It's not ok to subject you to an interrogation so early." Kensi was finding almost ironic the fact that they all though it was so wrong for her to experience an interrogation. Yes, she was pretty nervous about it and surely didn't want to recount to Vance what had happened in those months, at all, but at least here nobody would have tortured her if she gave the wrong answer.

"However, we're here now." Hetty interrupted her bitter considerations. "I told Director Vance to make this as quick as possible. Just try not to be nervous and if there is anything that makes you uncomfortable, a question or a topic, please tell him. If he complains I'll do my best to deal with him." Kensi let out a breath and muttered a yes. She really appreciated that Hetty was trying to support her and protect her, but she was aware that she was going to have to answer every question, no matter how uncomfortable. She couldn't bring more trouble to the team. They didn't know it, but on the plane she had heard them talk about the rescue mission, about the fact that it was unauthorized. They were in a tight spot because of her, so now she was going to have to do as told without protesting.

After a minute passed in silence, Kensi believed that Hetty was done talking, so she turned to her car-door ready to get out but, as she was about to open it, she heard her boss' voice again, this time though more hesitant and faltering.

"There's one more thing..." Kensi waited, an uncertain look on her face. "I... I read your file. Your... medical file." That made her freeze in shock. Her body stiffened and she felt blood rushing to her head. She fixated her eyes on Hetty's and from the way she was struggling to meet her stare she had confirmation: she knew. She knew everything, every sickening, disgusting detail.

"Did you read all of it?" She asked through clenched teeth, her voice no louder than a whisper. Her question had been ambiguous, but they both knew exactly what she was referring to, what section of the file she was talking about. Hetty paused for a moment before answering.

"Yes, Kensi. And I am... awfully, awfully sorry that something like this happened to you." Kensi felt her stomach churning and moved away her hand when she felt the older woman's touch over it. She wasn't disposed to any kind of contact in that moment. Her mind couldn't process the fact that someone knew. What was in that file was private, personal. In that file she was defenceless, she was completely bare. She should have known that, being her superior, Hetty would have read it, but still she couldn't accept that she knew she was broken, and that she couldn't be fixed.

She inhaled deeply through her nose, struggling not to lose control and, after clearing her throat to get rid of the lump in her throat, she finally spoke again, her voice weaker than she would have wanted to.

"Did... uhm... did anyone else... did anyone else read it?"

"That's why I am here, Ms Blye." Hetty answered. "Director Vance requested a copy of the chart last night, and I had to give it to him. I thought you needed to be informed about it. Other than him though, nobody read it and nobody ever will. You have my word." Kensi sighed. Vance knew too. Great. That was going to make that meeting only more humiliating for her. Trying to look on the bright side though, at least it was contained. As long as it was only the two of them, she could stand it. As long as Deeks didn't know, she was fine. Him knowing about the damages she had endured, smaller ones and permanent ones, _that _would have been unbearable. That would have killed her. Like this, she could still pretend to be ok.

"Is there anything else, Hetty?" Her eyes were closed, in the attempt of stopping the tears from falling down.

"No, but I wanted to..."

"Then I think it's time to go." She said rapidly. She wanted to put a stop to that conversation. She was already tense for the impending meeting, she didn't want to dwell on the fact that her superior knew what had been done to her. She opened her eyes again but this time they were distant, almost cold, showing how she was trying to detach herself on the emotional level. To get through this she had to be emotionally disconnected.

She opened the door and this time got out of the car without letting Hetty stop her. Once out she turned and found Deeks staring at her, he had waited for her there on spot. As their eyes met, Kensi immediatly saw his expression changing into one of concern, and she understood that her attempts of conceiling her inner turmoil had failed. She had never been good at hiding something from Deeks. He could read her like nobody else.

"What happened?" He asked, worry filling his voice. When he didn't get an answer his attention moved to Hetty and he addressed her with an accusatory tone.

"What did you say to her?"

"Deeks..." She shook her head, asking him silently to stop. She really didn't need any more drama. Even though she could clearly see how eager he was to know what had upset her and how he didn't want to let it go, she was surprised by how quickly he actually complied to her request.

"Ok..." He said, passing a hand on his face and letting out a long breath. "But just because you told me. So... now what?"

"Now we go inside. I would tell you to wait here, Mr Deeks, but I know it would be pointless." Deeks gave her a not-so-pacific look and then took his place next to Kensi once again. They stared at each other for a moment and then, just like he had done in the car before, he whispered gently.

"Ready?" This time though, she didn't even care to answer since everything she could have said would have been either a lie or something that caused him pain, and she walked straight to the building, Deeks by her side an Hetty behind them. As they got inside, their boss was the one who took the lead and told them what to do. Equipped with three Visitor Badges, they entered the elevator and headed to the floor pointed out by Hetty. She had already been there and knew exactly where they had to go.

The entire elevator ride was silent, tension palpable between them. Kensi was repeatedly clenching her teeth, trying to shake away nervousism, and she oddly found herself thinking that she actually hadn't felt so anxious in months. Back in Afghanistan, in the last period of her captivity, she had learned how to endure the pain, the anguish, or it would have been better to say that she had simply stopped caring. Anyways, she had found a way to deal with everything, but now she was being subject to a level of stress she hadn't experienced in a really long time, and even a facade of control was becoming hard to mantain.

With the corner of the eye she saw Deeks staring at her. He had probably noticed how distressed she was, he had always been able to do it. She didn't turn to glance back at him, but she saw him starting to fidget with his hair, as he did when he was nervous. She never knew if he was going to say something, or what he was going to say, because when he opened his mouth, almost simultaneously the doors opened too and they got out of the elevator. Scanning the large, crowded room Kensi understood that this was the equivalent of their bullpen back in Los Angeles and was the place where the DC Team worked. Her theories were confirmed when, looking around, she spotted Agent McGee, whom she hadn't seen in more than five years, sitting behind a desk, trying to work while another agent was tormenting him throwing little paper balls at him incessantly.

"Tony, stop it!" He finally said, exasperated.

"I can't help myself. We don't have a case and I'm being consumed by boredom. As my friend Giger from Star Trek said, death is nothing more than the result of cellular boredom, and that just won't do McGee. See? I'm fighting death here. Gotta keep my cells active..."

"Bishop, please?" He desperately turned for help to a blonde woman sitting on a desk with her legs crossed and a laptop on them.

"Uh uh. When I first got here you told me that was, like, your thing... so I'm not getting in the middle of it. Besides, you know very well there's nothing on Earth I could actually do to stop him." She said laughing while scarfing down chips from an open bag.

The scene she was witnessing was pretty hilarious, but Kensi just couldn't laugh. She started thinking about another situation, another team, different and similar at the same time. Her mind suddenly flashed to the silly bickerings that would take place in their bullpen in the LA Headquarters. The pranks, the costant teasing between her and Deeks or from Callen and Sam, all that memories of gone moments made nostalgia fill her all together. Would she ever be able to experience something like that? She wasn't sure.

She absent-mindedly kept watching the squabble between the two Agents until the one she didn't know glanced in their direction and froze. He stopped whatever he was doing and shot up from his seat, gesturing at the blonde to quickly get down of that desk. It took Kensi a moment to understand what had caused that reaction, then she saw Hetty walking towards the man, who was now sporting a really awkward smile.

"Agent DiNozzo, always taking everything seriously I see..."

"Well... ehm... you just caught us in a moment of morning relax and while it may seems that my behaviour is, uh, childish and unprofessional I must say that looking from the point of view of the cells... I think I'm going to stop talking." He cleared his throat, putting a stop to his incessant blabbing. Then, seeing the confused look on the blonde's face he did his best to pull himself together and satisfied her curiosity.

"Bishop, today you're witnessing a biblical event. Because you have the chance, the honor to meet a living legend, someone whose name is only whispered with fear and respect, one of the masters of the universe. Bow down before Henrietta Lange." Kensi and Deeks exchanged looks, their eyebrows raised, thinking exatly the same thing. This guy liked being theatrical. The blonde one, Bishop, leaned towards him and whispered imbarassed and slightly worried.

"Is it a bad thing that I don't know who she is?"

"No, Bishop. Only a chosen few even knows about her existance..." At that point the girl put a stop to that awkward situation and extended her hand to Hetty, with one of the most genuine smile Kensi had ever seen.

"Well, so nice to meet you, ma'am or Agent or... Ms Lange? Whatever, I'm Ellie Bishop, newest member of the team." She shook their boss' hand vigorously and then turned to the two of them.

"What about you? I don't think I had the pleasure..."

"Of course. I'm..."

"Kensi." She was interrupted by McGee who had joined them and now was staring at her like he had just had a revelation. "Kensi Blye. It's you, right?" She nodded, sparking off curiosity in the blonde man next to her.

"You two know each other?" McGee answered Deeks' question before she could.

"Not really, but we met on a case like, six years ago? I was in Los Angeles with our boss and we cooperated with your team." His attention moved back to Kensi. "Wow... I didn't even recognize you at first. It's been so long but usually I don't forget a face. It's just, you look... different." At that she looked down, suddenly finding her feet extremely interesting. She knew it had been unintentional, that he didn't mean it in a bad way, but McGee's comment had caused her to feel uncomfortable once again. It had just been another reminder that she wasn't the same woman anymore.

She realized Deeks had moved closer to her, to somehow comfort her, but her eyes didn't move from the ground, even when he started talking.

"Well, that's probably because of the jet-lag. We're all pretty exhausted. You should have seen me three cups of coffee ago..." She knew what he was doing, and was certainly glad for it, but still couldn't bring herself to smile. On the other hand Bishop, who had understood that something wasn't right even though she couldn't quite put her finger on it, to try and loose the tension started laughing at his joke, maybe even a little too loud.

"Yeah, I don't live without coffee either. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name..." He shook hands with her and the two agents in front of him.

"Of course. I'm Agent Marty Deeks, Kensi's partner." That made her suddenly raise her eyes and she stared at him in confusion and bewilderment. Had she heard right? He should have said Detective, not Agent. He was an LAPD Detective, unless... Could it be true? Had he finally signed the application form? Could this be really possible?

"Agent?" She finally asked. "When did you become an ag..."

"Blye." She wasn't able to finish her question because of the firm voice that caught her attention. The entire group turned and they watched as Director Vance approached them. All the worries that she had managed to put aside for those brief minutes came back all of a sudden and she remembered why she was in that building in DC. She started tormenting her lower lip in nervousism and, by the time he finally joined them, she had reduced it almost on the verge of bleeding.

"Agents, Hetty, good morning all of you." He greeted them. "I hope the flight was ok."

"Yes Leon, the flight was ok. The destination not so much, though. I think we all would have preferred the hot sun of Los Angeles to welcome Ms Blye back home." After Hetty's retort, an unbelievable amount of tension filled the room and Vance glared at her like he was ready to eat her. Passed the moment when he was caught off guard though, he quickly composed himself again, like nothing had troubled him.

"Well, since it appears you don't like small talk, let's move on to actions. You and Agent Deeks can wait here, but I think it will take us a while... Bishop."

"Uh... Ye-yeah." It took the girl a moment to answer, too caught in trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Please escort Agent Blye to our interrogation room. I'll meet her there soon."

"What?" She was now totally lost. There was no logic in what was happening. She looked at the brunette in front of her, who now seemed really taut and had a cold expression on her face. She wanted someone to explain the situation to her. This woman was a member of the Agency, she couldn't understand why the Vance wanted to interrogate her. She was ready to protest but a quick glance to the director made her realize how useless that would have been, so she sighed and went near the other girl.

"Please follow me." Kensi clenched her jaw and swallowed repeatedly, imposing her mind to calm down, telling herself that it would have ended quickly, despite what Vance had said. When she thought she was collected enough, she moved to follow Bishop, but before she had taken more than one step, a hand on her wrist stopped her.

"No." This time it had been Deeks to talk. She turned and realized that he wasn't looking at her, though. No, he was staring at the director and there was fire in his eyes. Externally, to a stranger, he might have seemed calm, maybe just a bit tense, but she knew him too well and by the way his nostrils were flaring and the vein on his neck was throbbing she could clearly see how angry he really was.

"She's not going there." He said firmly. Hearing that, Vance raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"That wasn't a suggestion. That's an order from your Director." Kensi tried to make him cool off before the situation could degenerate, but he didn't give her the chance. Instead he let go of her and slowly moved towards Vance, in a way that could have seemed almost threatening.

"And I'm telling you, _Director_, that she's not a suspect. She is an NCIS Agent, you're not going to treat her like a criminal. It's already wrong that you did this so soon, but since she's here now at least you're going to show her the respect she deserves." He had spoken quietly, but still with his words he had caused a shudder to run through everyone who was there. He had just publicly defied the Agency's Director. Enraged, Vance closed the distance between the two of them, staring directly into Deeks' eyes.

"I'd be very careful, Agent. You're walking on thin ice here." He hissed, his words hiding a veiled threat. Deeks didn't back away though, and kept his eyes fixated on the man in front of him. He held fast and spoke again, not frightened at all.

"You can do what you want with me but still, she did nothing wrong. You want a meeting with her, ok. But that's what is going to be. A meeting, not an interrogation." They were face to face now, challenging each other, like two wolves. Neither one of them moved or said anything for what looked an eternity to Kensi, but in the end, surprisingly, Vance's gaze faltered and he looked away.

"You're just lucky that I don't have time to waste." He said clearing his throat and Kensi let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Blye, come with me in my office. Now." Vance turned and moved towards the stairs. She pulled herself together and started going after him but, passing next to Deeks their eyes met and she slowed down. They didn't say anything to each other, they didn't need to. He saw the mixture of worry and gratitude in her eyes and she saw the relief and support in his. Then the moment ended and she looked away, almost struggling to do that, and she finally left, following the director up the stairs.

She proceeded quietly behind him all the way, mentally preparing herself for that 'interview'. It was only when they arrived in his office that she realized that she was now truly alone and anxiety started growing. Nonetheless she took several breaths as silently as possible, trying to keep her cool and not to show how nervous she really was.

"It seems you have a really protective partner." Vance said closing the door and gesturing for her to sit down in front of his desk.

"Yes, I'm sorry about..."

"Just leave it." He cut her off. "We have other things to worry about." He sat on the other side of the desk and just stared at her. It was probably for no more than a minute but his gaze, so intense, made her feel really uneasy and she found herself wanting to tell him to stop. Just as the feeling was becoming unbearable though, he finally looked away and spoke again.

"At least I have what I need here." He told almost to himself, taking out of a drawer a recorder and a folder, which with dread she recognized as her medical chart.

"This is ok, right?" He pointed at the device turning it on, and she just mumbled a positive answer.

"Perfect. Now we can start. So... Agent Kensi Blye. We are here today because of what happened in these eight months, correct?" She nodded.

"Please speak up, we're recording."

"Ye-yes, that's correct." She said hesitantly. This was stressing her already and they hadn't even started yet.

"Ok, let's recap. You were presumed killed in a hostile attack. But that didn't happen." He then gestured for her to keep going. Why? He already knew this stuff, why was he forcing her to repeat it? It didn't matter though, she had to do what he wanted.

"No, it didn't. I was... uh... captured by the enemy and taken to an unknown construction where I was held prisoner for eight months, until I rescued by De... by my unit."

"Mmm... and these men who took you, were they common unorganized fundamentalists." She clenched her jaw and shook her head, before remembering about the recorder.

"No. They were an highly organized terrorist cell, led by a man known as... the White Ghost." After she said that Vance went quiet and looked at her in the eyes.

"Ok Agent Blye, I think we can stop going around the real matter." She knew what he was talking about, the reason why she was there and not in Los Angeles.

"Yes." She whispered.

"I mean, you were held for a really long time. Why is that?" She saw her hand starting to shake and she quickly removed it from the desk, hiding it from Vance's sight. It took her a moment to answer his question, and when she did, her voice unfortunately sounded less steady than she would have wanted to.

"He... They wanted, uhm... information." He nodded, glad that he had finally gotten to the problem.

"So, I think you can understand why you're here. What I really want to know is..."

"If I gave them information. You want to know if they managed to break me." She cut him off. She was tired of him treating her like a little girl, and she wanted this to be as fast as possible. Vance on the other hand simply used what she had said to move on with his 'interview', and this time took her file and casually flipped through the pages, causing her to tense even more.

"Agent Blye, I read this and, truthfully, from what's inside, from the things they did... I find it very unlikely that you didn't break." She kept silent, not really having nothing to say about that. She had actually had no idea how to explain him that they had indeed broken her, just not the way he imagined, and frankly she didn't even want to. She wouldn't have been able to talk about that and at the same time mantain control, she was sure about that. So she just put on her cold mask and stared back at him, waiting for him to start asking the real questions.

"Ok, well... since you don't seem to keen on talking about that, we're gonna leave it just for now. I don't wanna start from there anyway."

"And where do you wanna start?" Her voice was detached, uncaring. She had turned down every emotion that could threaten to resurface. The only way to get through this. So she didn't shy away when Vance leaned towards her, his hands crossed in front of him. She kept her eyes on him but didn't look at him, her gaze distant and focused on nothing, and then he answered her question, and his words were the last push needed to make her walls lift up again.

"From the beginning. Take me back to the night of the ambush..."


	9. Chapter 9

**Guys! I'm so so so so sorry I updated this late! It's almost a week late, I apologize... =( These past two weeks have been so busy! I was barely at home... Again, I'm so sorry. However I wanna share with you some great news: I got in MED SCHOOL! Yay! It has always been my dream and now it has happened! I'm just full of happiness right now. On this happy note, I want to thank you all of you for your amazing response and reviews! I had asked you to review more and you did! You are just wonderful! You really outdid yourselves with the last chapter. Thank you thank you thank you. It's so rewarding to have evidence that someone appreciate your work, and you guys reward me and make me happy every single time! I love you all so much! :) :) :) **

**Now, let's move on... Here's next chapter. A warning. There are some parts that could be disturbing, but it's not graphic AT ALL. However, I feel it's right to give a heads up, just in case. Still, special thanks to blue dogs rock, K0nflicti0n. **

**Enjoy and Review!**

**I don't own NCIS LA**

"Take me back to the night of the ambush... January 23, 2014. Is the date correct?"

"Yes." Kensi feebely answered.

"Tell me, what happened?"

What happened? She wished she knew. She had had really a lot of time to think about it, to think about the night when everything had changed, and still she hadn't found an answer to that question. She had tormented herself with theories and hypothesis, racking her brain to try and figure out how the Taliban knew that they were going to be there, until just thinking about it had become too exhausting and she had stopped caring.

The reason why she had spent the last eight months as a prisoner didn't matter to her anymore. Vance was still waiting for an answer though, so, since she couldn't find an explanation for the events that had occurred, she did nothing more than retell those events, unemotionally, using a flat, matter-of-fact tone.

"We had received intel about a location where the White Ghost was supposedly hiding, so Granger sent me and Sabatino on site. Our job was to eliminate him and that seemed our best chance... We got there in the middle of the night and entered the small building, but everything was quiet inside. I remember thinking that it was way too quiet. We searched everywhere but there was nobody there, and yet the building wasn't bare. There was a lot of stuff around, like it had been inhabited until recently. There was still food in the pantry... At that point Sabatino and I thought he had escaped and we had missed him."

Kensi briefly closed her eyes, recalling that memory from another life, that memory so fuzzy and clear at the same time.

"Then it happened..."

_"Shit, there's no one here. This place is abandoned, for Christ's sake!" Sabatino said with an angry voice. "Another goddamn failure." _

_Kensi could understand his frustration very well. She was angry herself: she had really hoped that this was it, that this time they would actually find that terrorist and, after taking him down, she could finally come back home, where Deeks was waiting for her. Unfortunately she would have to stay there for a little longer, she would have to wait to see his cheeky smile again._

_She passed a hand on the back of her neck and sighed in resignation, then she addressed the CIA Agent, who was still fuming._

_"Let's just get out of here, ok? I'm calling for extrac..."_

_She heard it before seeing it. Metal clattering against the floor. Tilting her head, she looked beyond Sabatino and spotted the black cylindrical object on the floor, next to the open window. It took her brain a second to register what that small thing was, then in horror she tried to drag the man as far as possible._

_"Grenade!" She only had time to yell a warning, then the explosion hit them, tossing them up and then throwing them violently on the ground. The impact left Kensi completely out of breath, and for a moment she just lied there still, trying to force air in her lungs again, trying desperately to focus. What the hell had happened? Why was everything spinning? She blinked furiously to try and concentrate again, and after a while the ringing in her ears diminished. Only then she realized that that incessant hum she was hearing was actually Sabatino screaming at her and finally she was able to understand what he was saying._

_"Blye! Blye, get up! We gotta move! We can't stay here! We have to go! We have to..." He didn't manage to finish what he was saying since he was forced to crouch down next to her to find shelter from the hail of bullets that started all around them, making windows shatter and slivers of glass fall on them._

_She wasn't confused anymore, she knew exactly what was going on. It had all happened so fast, but now she knew it. They were under attack. There were enemies outside and they were shooting at them. She felt her heartbeat racing, but she tried not to think about it. She had to keep her mind clear, she couldn't let fear overwhelm her, that would have definetly killed her. So she started thinking tactically, reasoning on the best thing to do in a situation like that. They were too exposed where they were so, followed by Sabatino, she moved under one of the broken windows, to be better protected from the bullets that kept flying right above her head._

_"How many of them are there?" She asked half-screaming, while removing the safety from her rifle. The agent shook his head, and she saw that his face was covered in blood coming from an injury she couldn't see. Crap. They were in the worst situation possible and if he had a concussion she wasn't sure he would be able to act the way they needed to._

_Realizing that she needed to assess how many enemies they were fighting, very carefully she stuck out her head to try and see something. Her heart nearly stopped: it was dark outside and she couldn't distinguish anyone clearly, but the countless flashes from the guns shooting at them weren't leaving any doubt. There were too many._

_"Shit! Shit shit shit! We're in trouble, man." She said, not even trying to hide the worry in her voice. "You were right, we have to move now. We gotta get out of this building before they manage to get in. Sabatino? Sabatino!" He was unresponsive, she didn't know if for shock or the head wound. It didn't matter, though. She needed him. She couldn't do this on her own. Her heart was thumping in her chest, her breathing was erratic and she was on the verge of panicking herself but now that he was in that state she really couldn't afford to be anything less than alert. Every minute spent there was reducing their chances of making it, they couldn't waste any more time. So she did the only thing she could think of. She slapped him. Hard._

_"Hey! I need you focused, alright? You've faced far worse situations than this one and you made it so get a grip! I don't wanna stay here, and I bet neither do you, but to get out we gotta work together! I need you, ok? Let's go, let's go home. We're not dying here!" At first he didn't react, but slowly, much more slowly than she would have wanted, she saw him get out of his trance and, after rubbing a hand on his face, he nodded, showing he had understood._

_Glad she had solved that problem she moved on to the thing she still had to do. She was simply thinking about that: what to do to survive. Every other thought was being forced out of her mind. She turned her radio back on and heard her earbud beeping._

_"Base, do you copy? We are under attack. We have multiple enemies approaching, we need immediate back up. I repeat, we need immediate back up. Do you copy? Granger?" No answer. All she could hear was a continuous crackling, interrupted only by a few words here and there. _They were on their own.__

_Screw it. They would get out of there by themselves. She turned once again to Sabatino._

_"Ok. We have to move. On my three we get up and you exit this room, I'll cover you. We run through that hallway and then we get out of this damn building, the opposite direction to those bastards. Are you with me?" He stared at her and in his eyes she saw the same mixture of fear and determination that she was sure was in her eyes too. Then he nodded and armed his gun, getting ready._

_"Next time we're going clubbing." She smiled for a second, then took a deep breath and started counting._

_"One... two..." When she heard the hostiles stop shooting to reload their weapons she gave him the signal and they sprang up._

_"Three! Go!" She turned and started shooting outside the window to cover her fellow then, when she was sure he was out of the room, she ran behind him. They stormed through the hallway as fast as they could, desperate to get out of there. That stupid corridor seemed endless to her, but when she finally spotted the door, she allowed herself to hope. Sabatino did it too. Without stopping he briefly turned his head towards her and she saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes._

_"We're almost th..." Kensi only saw his head jerk and the spray of blood. She froze in shock seeing him fall on the ground, motionless. For the briefest moment everything slowed down, her mind emptied and she was unable of doing anything but stare at the dead body of the CIA Agent._

_The Taliban wasn't going to give her time to process his death, though, to grieve for him, and she was forced to focus once again when the hallway windows shattered, pierced by hundreds of bullets. She left Sabatino there on the dirty floor and threw herself in closest room, kicking the door close and moving a table in front of it, in a desperate attempt to lock it. Even there, she only had time to take one breath when a bullet passed right next to her head and she crouched on the ground, trying to hide under the umptheent window in that damn building. _

_By now she had stopped every attempt at mantaining control. Her sheer fear turned into anger, she hoisted her rifle and returned fire. She screamed while shooting, lashing out her rage and despair, aiming at everything and nothing, just hoping to hit even one of them. It seemed like it had been an eternity when she heard the familiar 'clic', meaning that she was out of ammo. She desperately threw away her rifle and went back to her hiding place, dodging the bullets that were still raining down on her._

_She didn't know what to do. She absolutely had no idea. There was no way she could fight them off by herself with only her gun, plus the place was completely surrounded. She couldn't get out of there. __She tried one last time to contact base referring her status and her need for backup, but she received the same answer from before. No one was coming for her. That's when she realized it._

_She was going to die. There, in that forgotten place, at the hands of men she couldn't even see. Alone. Completely and utterly alone._

_Unconsciously she heard the shooting stop and she dared to look out to see what was going on. The sight made her blood freeze even more: they had brought RPGs. They were going to make the building explode, with her in it._

_Crouching again in her shelter, Kensi felt tears starting to form in her eyes. This was it, she had no way to avoid it. She couldn't fight them off and she had nowhere to hide. It was truly the end. And yet all she could think about was him: his smile, his voice, his eyes. She couldn't believe she was going to die without seeing him at least one more time, without telling him how she really felt about him. She now knew that she had been an idiot to wait, to think that she was going to have enough time to sort her issues out before truly committing herself to their thing. She had let her fears condition her and now she was regretting it, so much. She had known true happiness for a moment, the night they had spent together, and now she couldn't help but think that, if only she had been a bit braver, if only she had used her gut and heart instead of her head, she could have had that happiness much sooner and for much longer._

_She closed her eyes, feeling a single tear running down her face. She knew what was going to happen in minutes, and yet she couldn't bring herself to accept it. She didn't want to give up. She didn't want to die, she had too many things to live for: her mother, with whom she had just started to build a relationship, her friends at NCIS, who had truly become her family, him. Deeks. The most important person in her life. Her best friend, her partner, the most adorable, funny, frustrating guy she had ever met. The man who had taught her to trust again, to love again. The man she loved. With all her heart, more than anyone else on Earth. And she wasn't ready to give up on him. Not yet._

_She opened her eyes, her fear of dying turning into resolution to live._

_"I have to see you again." She whispered to herself. She was going to come back home, she was going to hug him again and, once back in his arms, she wasn't going to waste any more time worrying about nonsense._

_To do that though, she first had to survive this so, even if it seemed impossible, she still had to give it a try. She forced her mind to focus and she started looking around, desperately trying to find a way to get out of that mess. Trying to avoid thinking about time passing, she kept reflecting: she couldn't jump out of the window because they would shoot her on sight. She could get out through the entrance, but she would never make it out of the building in time. And most of all she couldn't stay there. __What could she do? It seemed a no-way-out situation really. But suddenly she noticed it._

_As she was darting her eyes around the room she caught sight of a big trapdoor hidden in the darkness of a corner. Her brain subconsciously told her that she hadn't seen it before because that's where the table she had moved was, but it didn't matter. It was her chance. Sure, she had no idea what was down there, but it was her only possibility._

_It happened in slow motion: she took a deep breath, then got up and ran to her only hope of survival, her feet ever so heavy. She shot the lock and opened the trapdoor. Her mind registered the hiss and she turned to see the missile coming straight towards her. She stopped thinking and she literally threw herself inside. The fall seemed endless but eventually she hit the ground, landing on her left shoulder, and just as she did that she saw a sudden light and everything exploded._

_She immediately put her arms above her head, to try and shield it as everything around her crumbled and the entire upper floor collapsed on her and around her. She suddenly felt a crushing pain in her left leg, but she didn't move to see what had happened. She just stayed there with her eyes shut trying to protect herself as best as she could while feeling the ground and the walls all around her trembling because of the violence of the explosions, and praying for it to end._

_Kensi didn't know how long the attack actually lasted, but when it finally stopped, it took her a while to realize that she was still alive. The first thing she processed was the silence and the darkness: after all that chaos everything seemed too quiet, and that for a moment convinced her that she had in fact died, that she hadn't survived the explosion. But then she started feeling all sorts of aches and pains in her body, and she realized that it hurt way too much to be dead. So, really slowly, she snapped out of her catathonic state and she cracked her eyes open. Yes. She was alive. She couldn't believe it but she had actually survived._

_With difficulty she lowered her arms and shook her head, trying to fight the dizziness. She really couldn't afford to pass out._

_Focusing more and more as time passed, she looked around to assess the situation. She could barely see anything: there was dust everywhere, making her cough and struggle to breathe, and everything was destroyed, debris the only thing she could distinguish. Scanning the room she also noticed a lot of guns and weapons scattered all around and her mind, that had the habit of making her think about useless things in the worst moments, told her that she had probably ended up in a secret weapon storage. __Why she was thinking about that, she didn't know, but at least that meant that her mind was clear and she didn't have a concussion._

_Her relief was short lived, though, because she suddenly started hearing voices and heavy footsteps. Her chest tightened as she realized that they were getting closer. She couldn't stay there, she had to go, immediately. Struggling against the pain, she was about to move when with horror she understood that she couldn't. Something was stopping her from getting up. Panicking, she turned and saw that her left leg was completely stuck under a huge stone block, effectively immobilizing her on the ground._

_No. No, it couldn't be true. She had survived a missile, she couldn't die because of a stupid rock. She started fidgeting and struggling to free her leg, desperately using all the strength she had left, but nothing seemed to work. She was stuck. Refusing to give up, she kept trying and trying, consuming all her energies, until the horrifying 'clic' made her freeze. She heard the sound of a gun being cocked and, her heart in her throat, she slowly turned her head and looked up, to find herself face to face with approximatively 10 men, all pointing a weapon at her. They were looking at her with a mixture of happiness and hate, and from their expressions she realized that this time she was really going to die. They were going to kill her._

_She saw one of them take a step forward and move his finger on the trigger, so she closed her eyes, not wanting his hateful expression to be the last thing she would see. She tried to fight her fear and focused on one single thought._

_"Deeks..." She whispered. __But the unexpected happened._

_She heard a yell, opened her eyes and surprisingly saw them lowering their guns. She had no idea what had stopped them, but then she saw a short, stocky man slowly coming forward and, noticing how the others were backing off and weren't staring at him, she understood that he was their leader and had ordered them not to shoot her. Her breath quickened. She hated not knowing what was going on._

_The man turned to stare at her with a weird look on his face, then, using the piled rubble as stairs, he climbed down and walked towards her, stopping right in front of her. She stared right back at him, trying her best to look defiant, but she knew it was useless: she was unarmed, was at gun point and was lying on her stomach with her leg stuck. She had never been so defenseless and she hated it. She hated that this man thought she was so powerless that he felt like he didn't even need to have his weapon out. She was completely at his mercy._

_For a few seconds he didn't to anything except looking at her, but eventually a sick smile appeared on his face and he shouted something to his men that she couldn't understand, but that made them laugh really hard. Always wearing that grin on his face, he leaned towards her and in a rough English he whispered to her._

_"You will wish you were dead..."_

_She only had time to register him lifting his foot, then everything went black._

"So that's it." Vance asked, almost surprised. "You survived thanks to a trapdoor."

Kensi didn't even look at him while answering with a flat tone. "I'm sorry the details are boring."

He ignored her remark and simply went on with his questions.

"Ok, so... they're about to kill you, but then this man comes in and tells them not to shoot you."

"Yes."

"But... why?"

She paused before answering his last question, stuck in the memory of that day, reliving the fear she had felt, but also thinking about how blissfully ignorant she had been. If she had known what he had said to the others, she would have really wished the explosion had killed her.

"I barely knew any Pashtu back then, so I wasn't able to understand him. But after spending so much time as... a captive, I was forced to learn the language. So now I know. He... he said 'Let's not kill this whore. She will be useful to us... in more than one way...' That's why he gave the order." After she said that, with the corner of the eye she saw the Director shift on his chair, and she understood that she had made him uncomfortable with her confession. Not that it mattered to her: he had been the one who'd wanted to know what had happened.

"Do you... do you want to stop for a moment, agent Blye?" He asked, his voice unsteady. She shook her head. What was the use? They were only at the beginning and she was going to have to tell him anyway, so why delay the inevitable? And, by the way, she was going to have to talk about much more horrible things than this, so stopping now would have been really pointless.

"Alright... let's move on then. What happened next?" She focused once again on the wall behind Vance, mentally distancing herself from what she was about to say to him, trying to retell the facts as they had happened to someone else. That was the only way she could manage to talk about it and not break down. It actually took her a few attempts before she could start again without her voice faltering.

"I... I don't know how long it had passed when I finally woke up..."

_When Kensi regained consciousness, the first thing she registered was pain: she had the worst headache she had ever experienced and her ears were unbearably ringing. When she finally opened her eyes her head throbbed even more and she suddenly felt dizzy, but she forced herself not to pass out again. She had to understand what the hell had happened to make her feel like she had been hit by a bus. So, taking deep, long breaths, she fought against the waves of nausea and, when the pain eventually subsided a little, her vision cleared and she was able to focus once again._

_She was in a big room with no windows, the only light coming from a bulb on the ceiling, and the concrete walls were bare except for a metal door in the one to her right. She tried to move to look better around the room, but she suddenly realized that she couldn't. She was sitting on a chair, with her hands tightly cuffed behind the seatback and her legs equally tied to the legs of the chair. That's when everything came back: the grenade, the shooting, Sabatino's death, the explosion, the trapdoor. Remembering how her leg had been stuck under that rock, she immediately did her best to move it and with relief realized that it hurt but it definitely wasn't broken._

_She proceeded then to assess her condition and doing that she finally realized why she felt so cold. Her jacket and sweater were gone and she was wearing only her black tank top, plus they had taken away her shoes and she was now barefoot, making her plan of getting out of there only more difficult. Trying to think positive, at least she wasn't injured too badly and, most important thing, her pants were still on._

_"You will wish you were dead..." She had no intention of staying there and find out what that meant. The only thing she knew was that it couldn't be anything good._

_She started struggling to get out of that chair, trying to loosen the ropes around her ankles and to remove her hands from the cuffs. It was all in vain. The knots were too well done and the cuffs were resistant and tightly fastened. The only thing she managed to do was irritate and rub raw the skin of her wrists. She didn't give up though, and, fighting against the pain, she kept trying to get free, but her struggles abruptly ended when she heard the door creak open and a man came in, making her jump._

_She immediately recognized him: it was the one who had stopped the others from killing her. Her heartbeat quickened as fear started rising in her, but she tried not to show it and she stayed as still as possible as he slowly walked to her, to stop right in front of her. Once again, he had that sick smile on his face, a smile that didn't bode any well._

_She didn't like the way he was looking at her, like she was a piece of meat, and the way his eyes were lingering on her chest was making her nauseous. She tried her best to put on a brave face and not to react, but when he put his thumb on her lips and started caressing them, the sick feeling became unbearable and she acted on instinct. She opened her mouth and bit down, hard. He started screaming in pain and tried to get free, but she didn't let go until she felt blood coming out of his finger._

_Eventually she released him and spat his blood on the floor, defiantly. He, on the other hand, wasn't smiling anymore: holding his finger, he stared at her with an expression of rage and, before she could do anything, he backhanded her, and she felt her lower lip split due to a ring he was wearing. _

_The impact was so hard to make her head jerk to the side and pain radiated through her entire face. She didn't even have time to recover, though, because he immediately grabbed her from the neck and started choking her. The sudden lack of air alarmed her: she tried to free herself but his grip was too strong and she had no way of fighting back, tied like that, plus, the need for oxygen was making her weaker. The only thing she could register was him screaming at her, his breath smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. She didn't know Pashtu very well, so she didn't know what he was screaming. The only thing she could understand were two words he kept repeating incessantly: american whore._

_She just kept focusing on trying to breathe until he started tugging at her shirt. When she realized what he was doing, cold fear invaded her. No, this couldn't happen. Her struggling intensified and she squirmed on the chair, but he was keeping her still and his hand was still wrapped around her neck, so she was having trouble concentrating. She was trying really hard not to panic, but when his large hand found his way under her shirt and started groping her, she truly became desperate. She kept flailing around, in a useless attempt of getting away from him. Just as she was thinking that there wasn't anything more that she could do, she suddenly heard someone yelling and, miraculously, the hideous man stopped touching her and abruptly let go of her neck._

_Her brain registered him the sound of him walking away and someone arguing in a language she couldn't understand, but she couldn't focus more. She kept her eyes closed, coughing really violently and trying to gulp down as much air as possible. She kept gasping for a while, until her breathing slowly evened again. When she was sure she had effectively calmed down, she opened her eyes and noticed that he had gone away, but she wasn't alone. He had been replaced by another man, who was now standing in front of her, and she knew exactly who he was._

_The man who had assaulted her had just obeyed to the orders of this Westerner: she was looking at the White Ghost._

_Once she realized that, she straightened up in the chair and put on a cold mask, trying to regain composure and to look imperturbable. She had no intention of showing him how scared she actually was. She stared at him, studying him: he was probably in his late 30's, was tall and muscular. He had short, brown hair and no beard. His face was big and square-shaped and his eyes were dark, really dark._

_"I'm so sorry about Dawar's behaviour. I had given the order not to touch you, but sometimes he can get a little too... enthusiastic. You're ok, though, right? I mean... he didn't hurt you, did he?" He asked in English, but she didn't answer. He was playing nice, but she wasn't falling for it. Just by looking in his eyes, she could see very well that his concern was fake and this man was far from good._

_Seeing that she was silent, the man sighed and passed a hand on the back of his neck. "Look, I get it, ok? I know that you don't trust me and that you are suspicious about me, but I can assure you... I don't mean to hurt..."_

_"Drop the act." She cut him off. She was tired of him treating her like a dumb child. "Do you think I'm stupid? The men you're in charge of tried to kill me, one of them attacked me minutes ago and you want me to believe that they did it without following your orders? No... I know what you're capable of, so you can stop trying to play me. Because I'm not buying it." His eyes widened as he was taken completely by surprise by her retort, and for a moment he just looked at her astonished. But after that, he started chuckling and raised his hands, in a fake pose of surrender._

_"Alright, alright. You got me, girl... I tried. Looks like you're not just a pretty face..." Kensi had been right about him. He was grinning, but there was no happiness in his eyes. This man was evil. _

_"Not to insult your beauty or anything... I mean, you really are... exquisite." He said, while his eyes traveled up and down her body, making her feel uncomfortable. She kept still though, she didn't react, not showing him her discomfort, and when he eventually looked at her again, she held his gaze, her eyes never moving away from his._

_"However, I bet you already know that, so... let's move on. I'm kinda surprised. You still didn't asked me who I am or where we are."_

_"Even if I did, you wouldn't answer me. Besides, I already know who you are." His smile widened in amusement._

_"Wow... well, you're right. But since I like you so much, I'm gonna give you a clue. We're in a compound in Afghanistan, now it's up to you to guess where. Now... I'm more interested in what you just said, what was it? You know who I am?" She lifted her chin and stared at him defiantly._

_"The White Ghost." When she said that his eyes darkened even more, revealing his true nature._

_"Bingo." He slowly walked towards her, until they were face to face. "Wanna know why they call me like that?"_

_"I don't care. You are just a traitor of your country, you are some common terrorist. I have no interest in you or your nickname." Even though she was scared, since she had just antagonized him, she was glad her voice had sounded so steady and fearless. _

_Anyway, he didn't react the way she had imagined. Instead he just chuckled and then started laughing again._

_"Damn, girl! You spit fire! I like you, I like you a lot! Ok, then... since you keep surprising me and it looks like you are tired of this back and forth, let's get down to business. First thing first, I believe I should introduce myself and, since you're not going... well, anywhere for now, I think I can trust that you won't reveal my name to some stranger. So... my name is Travis Crowe... What's yours?" She remained silent, moving her eyes to look sternly in front of her. She would not reveal her identity to this psycho._

_"Come on, you know how this works. I told you my name, it's only fair you tell me yours. Trust me, baby... it's not wise to be stubborn." He tried once again, but she ignored him, choosing not to think about his threat. So, when he got the exact same answer from her, he sighed and shook his head._

_"Alright... I'm trying to be gracious here..." Kensi didn't see the punch coming. She just felt a sudden pain in her left eye, and her head whipped backwards. "But it seems that whores like you need the hard way to understand things." She was still stunned, the blow had taken her completely by surprise, she didn't even have time to focus back, when he roughly grabbed her by her disheveled ponytail and forced her to face him. Crowe looked like a completely different person now. His smile was gone to be replaced by an expression of hate._

_"Now bitch, are you gonna tell me your name?" She clenched her jaw, trying to control her breathing._

_"Tyra Banks." His hand tightened in her hair._

_"If that's how you wanna play it..." He hit her again, repeatedly. He kept punching her until her face was swollen and black and blue. She was now dazed with pain, she could feel blood running down her face, and black spots were starting to creep into her vision, inviting her to pass out. She couldn't do that, though, she had to resist._

_"Think about something happy." She told herself. "Think about his blue eyes." That thought actually gave her some of her courage and strength back so, when he shook her head again, she looked up and spat the blood coming out of her mouth right in his face._

_"Go to hell, you sick son of a bitch. You can do whatever you want to me, but I'm not telling you shit!" Her heart was threatening to burst through her chest, and her breathing was really ragged, but still she was happy that she had showed him she wasn't so easy to scare, to break. She stared at him, challenging him, waiting for his look of shock to turn into one of rage, and getting ready for him to unleash his anger on her. That didn't happened. She could have never predicted what happened next._

_He wiped his face and then, he started clapping. She looked in confusion as a huge grin appeared on his face, a grin that quickly turned into a gleeful laugh._

_"Bravo! Oh my God, you're amazing! So tenacious, so defiant... I was just fucking with you but I gotta admit, you really impressed me, Kensi." She froze, blood drained from her face and, for a moment, her heart forgot how to beat. She was so taken aback that she wasn't even able to hide her shock. What? How could he know?_

_"It is Kensi, right? Wait. Let me check that again." She was still trying to figure out how the hell he had discovered her name, when he took something out of his pocket and her world crumbled. It was her identification tag. With everything that had happened, she hadn't even noticed it was missing. Until now._

_"Yup, that's right. Kensi Marie Blye, born on July 29th, 1982. And look at this! What does it say next to your identification number? Oh yes. It says... NCIS." She stared blankly ahead of her, too worn out to do anything. She was done. They knew her name and her Agency, her situation had just gotten a thousand times worse. Fear started rising again, and when he leaned forward, putting his hands on the chair arms, encircling her by doing so, she couldn't stop a shiver from running down her spine._

_"You know, when Dawar told me he had taken you as a prisoner, I just though that we could have used you for getting some vague information on your military base and for... well, for other more obvious reasons." His voice was calmer now, almost soft, but somehow it was much more sinister and frightening. Listening to his not so veiled threat she sucked in a breath, feeling sick at the thought of what he was implying, and she couldn't help but tremble wen he moved a strand of hair away from her face, almost lovingly._

_"But this, honey..." He dangled the tag in front of her face. "This is pure gold. You are a member of one of the most important agencies in military. You have contacts, you have access to classifed information, you're entrusted with national security. Who knew that they would have sent an NCIS Agent to kill me? An Agent who looks like you, by the way... _See? With you I hit the jackpot. _Now, what I'm trying to say is that I want to now what's in here." He tapped on her forehead._

_Kensi didn't do or say anything, sitting very stiffly, too busy trying to mask her terror. She had never found herself in such a predicament and she was scared out of her mind: she knew what this man was capable of. She knew he was ruthless, and that he would have done anything to get what he wanted, but she couldn't give that to him. She couldn't betray her country._

_"I like you Kensi, so I'm going to make a deal with you. You tell me everything you know, and I'm going to give you a dignified death. You know you don't have a better choice. What do you say?" It took her a moment before his words settled into her mind: he was going to kill her, end of story. Her only choice was whether to die slowly or quickly. She was surprised when a part of her mind actually told her to talk, to give him everything, so to escape the pain that was sure to come. But then she forcefully drove away that thought: she was Kensi Blye, an NCIS Agent, she was the best among the best, she had sworn to protect her country. She would not be a slave to her fear, she would not break. So she looked up and stared right into his eyes, before answering him with a strong and firm voice._

_"No."_

_Crowe sneered at her, then got up and walked around her, until she heard him stop behind her._

_"Maybe you didn't understand your situation completely." He leaned forward and placed his hands on her shoulders. His voice was a whisper now. "Dying quickly is your best prospect. The alternative..." His hands slid down her chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps wherever he was touching her, and stopped right before her shirt, fingers slipping almost casually under the hem to lightly caress her breasts. She clenched her teeth in discomfort at that unwanted touch. "You don't want that, girl. You cannot imagine the things I could do to you... the things I will do to you... You will experience pain and humiliation and despair like never before in your entire life. You will suffer so much that you will beg me to kill you, but it will be too late and you will keep suffering. Trust me, a pretty thing like you... you won't survive it. It will make you insane. Accept my deal, tell me what I want to know and I will spare you this fate."_

_Kensi realized her eyes were watering and she swallowed hard, trying to choke back the tears. It was really happening: she had been captured and she was going to be tortured for information. She had no doubt that Crowe would carry out his threats: she had clearly heard the excitement in his voice as he was talking about hurting her. He was someone who had beaten her up for fun, a sadist who was going to enjoy making her suffer. _

_She had never been so afraid in her entire life: she was feeling so scared and so alone, and now more than ever she wished that Deeks could be next to her, smiling at her, telling her that everything was going to be ok, even though it was a lie. For a moment she also wondered if that's how he had felt, strapped on that chair, waiting to be tortured by Sidorov. She had never been tortured: sure, she had been trained to endure interrogation, but she knew that nothing was actually going to be able to prepare her. She had had confirmation of this when she had found him bleeding in the warehouse. Nothing could prepare you to be tortured._

_She knew she couldn't give in, though. It wasn't just about being an NCIS Agent. Before being an Agent she was much more: she was the daughter of a United States marine. He had taught her about honor, loyalty, integrity and bravery. Her father was the man she looked up to the most, and she had no intention of letting him down by helping a terrorist. If that wasn't enough, she knew Crowe was going to use her information to hurt as many people as possible, striking them where they felt protected, in the safety of their home country. The first thing he would have asked her would have been about her team, and there was no way she was going to put her family in danger. She would have died before doing something that could possibly hurt Deeks. __No, she had made her choice, even though she knew what was going to cost her._

_She took a deep, long breath, mustering up her courage, and, when she finally opened her mouth to speak, there was no trace of fear or indecision in her voice._

_"I'm not gonna tell you anything." She expected him to get angry, to hit her, to start torturing her right away, but he did nothing like that. Instead she felt him lean even closer to her, so close that she could feel his hot breath against her ear, sending shivers of disgust up and down her body, and then he let out a soft whisper, so soft and so terrifying at the same time._

_"I was really hoping you'd say that..." Then he let go of her and, to her surprise he started walking away, moving towards the exit, chuckling all the way._

_"You're a tough girl, Kensi Blye. I'm going to enjoy spending time with you. We'll have a lot of fun together..." He was mocking her, the smug look on his face and his cheerful tone showing just how much pleasure he was getting out of treating her like that. She was not going to accept that. So, just as he had opened the door and was about to get out, she spoke again, making him stop._

_"My team will find me." Crowe tilted his head in her direction, and she repeated that, more firmly this time. "My team will find me. And I will kill you." He stared at her, his expression a mix between amused and intrigued, then his grin got even wider._

_"Good. I want you to keep hoping. The brave ones and the hopeful ones are the most fun to break..." And after he said that, he turned off the light, closed the door behind him, and she was left there, surrounded by complete darkness._

Kensi was surprised by how clear the memory of that day was. She could remember very well the way thinking about Deeks had given her the strenght not to faint, but she could also remember how much pain she had felt while Crowe was hammering her with blows. It was imprinted in her mind. It was also weird to think about how defiant and hopeful she had been: she had really believed her team would have found her, and they had eventually, just a bit late. Because she wasn't hopeful anymore. She wasn't Kensi anymore. She had been replaced by a broken person, by someone who could never be fixed.

"Agent Blye, can you hear me?" She snapped out of her thoughts when she realized that Vance was talking to her, so she shifted the focus to him.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was asking you about the White Ghost." She nodded.

"Yes. Travis Crowe..."

"What do you know about him?" What did she know? A lot. She knew that he was a sadist. She knew that he liked finding always different ways to torment someone, because not knowing what to expect would make things much worse for the interrogated. She knew he had a thing for brunettes. But she also knew that Vance wasn't referring to this, so she cleared her throat ad answered him.

"He's an ex-marine. You'll find everything you want to know in his file. He should be filed among the deceased."

"Ok, I'll make sure to read it soon. Now... you said he left you in the room. Why is that?" She paused, licking her lower lip, recalling the events right after he had left, or rather the lack thereof.

"I think he wanted me to grow weaker. I stayed there alone for two days... yeah, I think it was two days. They didn't bring me any food or water. Just when I was starting to... to lose track of time and being there was becoming unbearable, he came back and started... interrogating me." It seemed a better word than 'torture'. It made it easier for her to detach herself from the memories.

Even Vance, always so collected, seemed a bit upset by what she was telling him. He had understood what she was meaning, and even if he hadn't, he had read her medical report. She knew that this girl had suffered unspeakable things. And still, he had to go on with the interview. Because it was his job, because he had to put the Agency before everything else, even when it meant doing something disturbing. So, mantaining his emotional distance, he proceeded.

"What did he ask you?"

"...Everything. Names, contacts, locations... Everything I knew about NCIS."

"And did you tell him?" She looked down at her hands, thinking about the last time Crowe had asked her information, her voice extremely soft.

"No." The Director pressed her anyway.

"Are you sure Agent Blye? Are you sure that you didn't compromise the Agency, that you didn't reveal any information?" Hearing that she clenched her teeth, and for the first time in a while, she felt something resembling anger rising inside her. He was asking if she was sure. Well yes. She was. She was sure that she had chosen to suffer rather than betray her country, and she knew what that choice had cost. Because of that choice, her body and her soul were corrupted now, and still he didn't believe her. She couldn't accept that. Slowly she lifted her eyes and stared at him, without even blinking.

"I didn't tell him anything." They held each other's gaze for a while, in complete silence, tension rising in the room. Then Vance looked away and sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry Agent." He said while opening her chart. "We're gonna have to go much more in depth than that..."

Kensi closed her eyes and couldn't help but cringe when she heard his next question.

"At what point did he start using fire?"

* * *

Deeks was sitting next to DiNozzo's desk, drinking his zillionth coffee of the day. Hetty was nowhere to be seen: he had no idea when she had disappeared or where she'd gone, but he really didn't care either. All his thoughts were focused on his partner, and every five minutes he was glancing back at the stairs, hoping to see her appear, so that they could finally go home, together.

"Uhm... can I ask you something?" He turned to his right and saw the agent with a dubious expression on his face. He nodded. He had been really nice to him since they had arrived. He was the one who had found an empty chair so that he wasn't forced to wait standing.

"I know it's probably not my business but... why did you react that way with Vance? I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but wonder." Deeks shook his head, to make him understand that it was ok to ask.

"No, it's fine. It's just... I didn't like the way he was treating Kensi. She doesn't deserve that..."

"Why? What happened, if I may?" Deeks paused, unsure if answer his question or not. It was about Kensi, it was personal, and he didn't know if he had the right to talk about it without her being present.

"It's ok if you don't want to tell me..." Tony said. The younger man then turned to look at him and something hit him: he didn't know why, maybe it was just a gut feeling, but he felt like he could trust this man. He felt like his goofy and childlike attitude was just an act, used as a protection, and that in fact he could be serious trustworthy. It took him a moment to realize that he was probably thinking that because that was the exact way he behaved the same way. Or, at least, he used to. Before everything happened. Therefore, even though it could be a risk, Deeks sighed heavily and chose to answer his question.

"Kensi was... she was held captive in Afghanistan for more than eight months. I thought she was dead, or I would have looked for her, I would have tried to find her..." A lump was forming in his throat just talking about it. He should have gotten to her sooner, he should have protected her. He couldn't erase from his mind the image of that circular scar he had inadvertently seen. Who knows what else they had done to her. He was shaking even just thinking about it.

"I know what you're talking about." He turned to look at DiNozzo, totally taken aback by what he had just heard.

"I mean... of course it's different but, I experienced something similar." Deeks stared at him with an interrogative expression. The DC Agent had now a very serious look on his face, and his eyes were distant, like he was lost in some old memory.

"I had a partner a while ago..." For a moment the glimpse of a smile appeared on his face and Deeks heard him whisper something like 'my ninja...', then he started talking again, his voice really low.

"Five years ago, she was captured by a terrorist in Somalia and she was held there as a prisoner for three months. I had no idea. I just thought that she had chosen to leave for good. Eventually we got information about her, but every evidence was saying that she was dead. My world tumbled down: I couldn't accept that. We kept digging until we found a lead. Probably it was going to be useless but, if there was even a chance to find her alive, I had no intention to waste it. So we got there and, unbelievably, she was alive. She had been alive the entire time. I cannot express the joy I felt when I saw her, and when we brought her home it was one of the best days of my life. So that's it. I know it's not the same thing, but I can understand how you might feel right now."

Deeks had listened to him in complete shock for the entire time. He would have never suspected that someone so playful could have experienced something like that.

Once he managed to overcome the surprise and to put himsef together, he realized that the man next to him was probably the one person who could actually understand him, the one he could relate to the most. He had already been through that, maybe he could help him figure out what to do. So, with an uncertain voice he addressed Tony.

"What about... later? What happened next?" DiNozzo turned to look at the blonde, and staring at him, he realized what he was really asking. Seeing the plea hidden in his eyes, he understood that he wanted to know if his partner was going to recover.

"It was... hard, at the beginning. Ziva thought she could play everyone but she couldn't do it with me. She was different, I could see it. More alert, more on her toes, less joking. In the end she got better, though. Day by day, she improved, until she put it behind her. I just wished I could have helped her more. We barely talked about it. She faced it on her own, even if I had told her that she didn't have to."

Deeks lowered his eyes. This wasn't what he had hoped to hear. Sure, he was happy that Tony's partner had recovered, but it had taken a lot of time. He wasn't expecting Kensi to heal miraculously, he knew it was going to take a while, but she had also been held captive for a much longer period of time, and he was afraid of that was going to influence her recovery. Plus, he had just had confirmation of the thing he feared the most: he was terrified that Kensi could try to deal with it alone, that she could try to shut him out. He knew how terrible that was going to be. She would have been consumed by the pain, and he would have been destroyed by the inability to help her.

"Hey..." He looked up, and found DiNozzo looking at him with a supportive expression.

"Ziva was a very closed person, really reserved. I wasn't expecting her to act in a different way. Kensi is a different girl. Besides... I saw you two together. You have a connection, that's undeniable. Just be there for her and give her time. Eventually she'll open up to you and she'll get better. Trust me, with your help... she will recover."

The smallest smile appeared on Deeks' face and he nodded, really thankful to the agent next to him.

"Yes..." Then his face clouded over and he turned around to glance at the stairs, a sense of sadness and worry invading him altogether.

"I hope so..."


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm baaaaaack! Hello guys, how are you doing? It feels like ages, well... actually that's my fault. Sorry, sorry! I was out of my country visiting a friend and I literally had no time to update. I apologize to you all from the bottom of my heart, I hope this chapter is enough to make you forgive me!**

**Anyways, WOW! 105 followers! 105! More than a hundred persons are following this story, that just so fantastic! And 61 reviews! My God, I cannot put into words my happiness! You are the best, I never get tired of telling you that. Your support is really appreciated and helps me everyday! Thank you! ****So, here's next chapter... I hope it was worth your wait, I struggled with it a bit. Just let me know what you guys think. What do you say? Do you think we can make it to 70 reviews? ;) ****I give you chapter 10... As always**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Kensi couldn't do it anymore. She was exhausted. For hours Vance had interrogated her about every single event happened during those eight months, pressing her to tell him everything, to relive every detail, even the most painful and sickening ones. She had managed to detach herself from what she had been telling him as best as she could, but now she was reaching breaking point. It had been much worse than she had imagined, she was physically and emotionally drained. She couldn't hold out much longer.

"No. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I didn't talk. I didn't tell them anything." Her frustration was increasing. She had answered to the exact same question over and over again, and it was starting to become extremely tiring.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that?" Vance answered unflinchingly.

"Precisely because of what you told me. You said that at a certain point they stopped torturing you. There must have been a reason to..."

"I said they stopped interrogating me. I never said they stopped torturing me." She hissed at him, her eyes dark, fixated on the grain on the top surface of his desk. Just because Crowe had stopped asking her to reveal information, that didn't mean that he had also stopped hurting her. The Director had to understand the difference. She wished he could understand it so that she wouldn't have to explain how much worse it was being tortured just for someone's sick pleasure.

"Ok, I get that, but did the interrogation stop just like that? Crowe simply gave up?"

"No..."

Crap. She regretted having answered that question right after she opened her mouth: now she was going to have to talk about that, about Crowe's final attempt at getting information out of her. And she couldn't do that. No chance at all.

Unfortunately, as she had predicted, her answer sparked Vance's curiosity, and he pressed her to know more about her telegraphic 'no'.

"...So? Tell me about it." Kensi lowered her head and shrank in her chair, as if she was trying to become as small as possible, irrationally thinking that doing that would have hidden her from Vance's inquisitive look. She had done everything he had said, answered every painful, personal, humiliating question without protesting, finding the strenght not to break down, but this... She wasn't sure she was going to be able to do it this time.

"He... uhm... he tried to make me t-talk one last time, about... about a month and a half ago." Her voice was trembling much more than it had done until now, and her mouth was drying up. She was losing control rapidly.

"And? What happened then, Agent Blye?"

Her chest tightened and she felt her heart starting to race. She had to close both her fists to stop her hands from shaking violently. She told herself to calm down, to keep her emotions at bay, to distance herself like she had done before, but the situation only worsened._  
_

"He, uh... I..." She tried to speak, but her voice came out feeble and wavering, and she had to stop talking to hold back a sob that was threatening to surface. Shivers started running down her spine and her breathing became erratic. She did her best not to lose contact with reality, but her mind began to spin, taking her back to that day, to the worst day of her entire existance. She was aware that Vance was talking to her, but she couldn't understand what he was saying, it was just background noise. Because all she could hear now was those screams. Those pleading, heart wrenching, stomach churning screams. Those screams that had torn her soul apart.

Panic set in and all of a sudden she wasn't in the Director's office anymore. She was in that room once again. She unconsciously started rubbing her wrists, vividly reliving the pain of the cuffs cutting into them. She desperately tried to focus on where she was, and on what was happening, but her efforts were useless and memories took control of her, images she wished she could forget passing right before her eyes.

_She stopped struggling against the men holding her down as he flipped the coin in the air. She stared at it completely frozen, the thumping of her own heart resonating in her ears. She forgot how to breathe and everything around her disappeared, everything but that coin and the sound of metal cutting through air, impossibly amplified by her senses. Time slowed down as she watched that small piece of metal flipping upwards, despair and hope invading her at the same time. Her eyes followed its every movement with trepidation: head... tails... head... tails... head... tails... head... tails... head..._

_Bang_

Kensi tightly shut her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek until she actually drew blood. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to crack her head open and forcefully take out those memories, those memories that couldn't be erased, those memories forever burned in her mind, reminding her of what she had done. A sense of shame and guilt stronger than ever racked her and made her eyes water. It had finally happened. She had managed to hold back her emotions and to mantain control throughout the entire debrief, but this time it was just too much and she couldn't stop a lonely tear from trickling down her face.

"Blye? Blye, are you ok?" She was so lost in her memories that Vance had to repeat his question multiple times before the brunette was actually able to realize that he was talking to her. His strong voice slowly brought her back to the present and her bloodshot eyes snapped open. She sat completely still, her body sporadically shaken by tremors that she couldn't control. For what seemed an eternity to her, she focused all her energies on pushing back the images running through her mind and, when she finally managed to suppress the memories and the emotions related to them, she was destroyed. Competely and utterly destroyed. That's when she realized that she couldn't have taken any more of this.

"Agent Blye, answer me. Are you..."

"No." Her voice was more similar to a hiss. "I'm not ok, Director Vance." She finally raised her head and stared right at him, her eyes cold just like her voice.

"Do you wanna know what happened? What happened is that Crowe used one last method to force me to give him what he wanted, and this method broke me. He managed to break me, just not the way he wanted to. So... to answer the question that you're about to ask, no. I didn't talk, even in that occasion, even after... after what had happened."

"You have to be more specific about this event you're referring to. You must tell me..." She shook her head, interrupting him.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I told you everything. I answered everything you asked, even the most compromising, degrading, shaming question, but I won't talk about this. All you have to think about is that you have nothing to worry, because I didn't talk. What he did made me beg to be killed, but I didn't talk. And when that didn't work, he simply stopped interrogating me, so... the heart of the matter is that I didn't give him anything. For all that matters to me, I've answered your question." She was shocked by how strong and steady her voice had sounded, and by how she had managed not to burst into tears in the middle of her speech. She had no idea where that strenght had come from, but now that she had done talking, she was feeling so worn out, like all her energies had left her all of a sudden.

On the other hand, Vance took a moment to compose himself after her surprising response, but then tried to act professionally. He could see very well that the agent in front of him had reached breaking point, and he himself wanted this debrief to end, but there were still a few points that needed to be cleared.

"Let's say for a moment that I believe you. That I believe that you endured all this and didn't break. There is still something that I want you to clarify. If you didn't give him anything, as you said, and he stopped interrogating you because he had understood that you weren't going to talk, my question is: why did he keep you alive? Why didn't he just kill you?"

After that Kensi's eyes dropped and she swallowed hard. She couldn't believe he was asking her this. Couldn't he seriously figure that out by himself? Did he have to force her to say it out loud? And yet, she was so exhausted that just the thought of prolonging this by choosing not to answer was unsustainable. So, after clearing her throat more than once, she spoke with a voice so feeble that Vance was barely able to hear her, all the confidence and the firmness from before completely gone.

"Killing me... Killing me would have spoiled their fun. And before you ask... I think you know what I mean, Director. You read my file."

Her words left him with no way to reply. Silence fell in the room for an interminable moment, neither one of them having something to say or the strenght to say something. But then he let out a breath and turned the recorder off.

"Ok, Agent Blye. I think it's enough." She timidly looked up, not sure she had heard right. Could this be possibly over? She waited silently for him to confirm that they were done, that she could actually go home. Vance crossed his hands together and leaned forward. She was surprised to realize that his tone was much softer, almost comforting.

"I am sorry for this, Blye. I know you are a good agent, you're the elite of NCIS, and your loyalty was never questioned, but after reading your file and especially after hearing your story, I had to be sure that our agency was safe. Nobody would have blamed you if you had given them information after what they did to you, and I am sorry that I forced you to relive all of it so soon, but in my position I must put NCIS before everything. Do you understand that?" She nodded but she didn't care about anything he had said to her. She didn't need his apologies, she needed to go away.

"Good. Now... I'll make sure that you are officially reinstated as an agent, but any other decision concerning your work in LA will be up to Hetty. She will decide if and when you are ready to go back." Even if she tried not to show it, that upset her very much. She knew that it was procedure and, honestly, she wasn't even sure if she was going to be able to be an agent again, but the idea that this could be taken away from her without her having a say in it at all was extremely distressing. Could she do anything about it, though? No. So she opted for thinking about it in the future. Now she just wanted to get out of there.

"Also, since this was a very extreme situation, I decided not to take any measure against the members of your team. All of them. Tell your partner that he is a lucky man. Any other day his actions would have cost him his job. That said, he better walk the line from now on, got it Blye?" She nodded once again, but for the first time in hours her eyes brightened a bit. Only Deeks could publicly bump heads with the NCIS director and get away with it. She had been so scared when he had stepped forward to defy him, because she didn't want him to put his career at risk just for her, but now she couldn't help but feel good about it. He had fought to protect her and he had won. She knew how wonderful he was but, she didn't know how, he could always find a way to amaze her even more.

"I'll have a flight to Los Angeles booked for you right now, so that you can leave as soon as you arrive to the airport." She looked up and saw that Vance was now standing. She had been so lost in thinking about Deeks that she hadn't noticed that he wasn't in his seat anymore. She immediately sprung up from her chair and her back cracked resoundly. She had seated in the same position for hours and her entire body was stiff. He walked her to the door and, even though her legs were sore and wobbly, she had to force herself not to run to the exit, so wishful she was to leave. Vance put the hand on the doorknob, but then stopped and looked at her. Suppressing the frustrated sigh ready to leave her mouth resulted to be really hard.

"One more thing Agent Blye. I asked Hetty a report about your rescue and she told me that Agent Callen and Hannah weren't able to identify any Westerner. Do you know how to explain it?" Vance didn't miss the way Kensi's jaw tightened when he mentioned her torturer.

"...Not long ago, I don't know precisely when because I had lost track of time... he left the compound. I remember him telling me that he had important things to do and he was... missing home. He told me that I shouldn't have had to worry though, because I would have seen him again and because... because he was leaving me in the capable hands of Dawar." After what she said Leon took on a very concerned expression.

"If I understand correctly, you're saying that not only he's alive, but also he..."

"He could be in the States, yes." She concluded. The information she just gave him deeply upset him. If there was such a dangerous terrorist on the loose, ready to cause who knows what damage to their country, he didn't have another minute to lose. Travis Crowe had just become his priority.

"This is a very serious situation, Blye. I have to think about that now." He opened the door and started walking out, leaving her completely baffled by the unbelievably abrupt way their meeting was ending. However, before walking away, he turned and stared in her confused and surprised eyes.

"We're done, Agent. Your presence here is no longer required. You can go back to Los Angeles." Then he leaned forward and, with a look that seemed almost supportive to Kensi, he said to her.

"You can go home..."

* * *

_Her legs gave out for a moment and she couldn't stop a gasp from leaving her mouth. Her entire body weight came to rest on her bloodied wrists, cuffed with a chain hanging from the ceiling, and the pain in the left one, already broken and throbbing, became almost unbearable. She frantically struggled to make her legs function and eventually she was able to stand on her tiptoes again and let out a relieved breath when the pressure on the wrists eased. Her eyes were squeezed as she was trying to regain control and fight the pain off, but when she heard him circling around her to stop in front of her, she immediatly snapped them open and lifted her head, to find herself staring at his hideous grin._

_"Aw girl, come on. You were almost there! I'm not asking much, just a little scream... Can't you stop being so defiant for a second and make me happy? It would be so easy..." He placed a hand on her hip and, while casually caressing her side, he suddenly pressed hard on her cracked ribs. The unexpected stab of pain almost made her legs give out again, but she managed to hold out and, biting her lower lip until she drew blood, she was able to suppress the scream that was threatening to escape._

_Finally he let go and, even though she was completely out of breath, she held his stare in satisfaction, happy that she hadn't given him what he wanted._

_"Ok, I gotta admit it. You have balls, I'll give you that. But now I wanna try something different, to spice things up a bit..." He walked to one of his men in the room who gave him something she couldn't identify. Then he turned back to her again and raised the object to her eye level. It was a blindfold. Even if she had no apparent reaction, Kensi was shaking inside. She had no idea what he wanted to do, but she knew it couldn't be anything good._

_"See, I want to test this theory, according to which torture should be much more intense and, well... funny, if the person being interrogated can't see. I believe that the bad part is that you have no way of knowing what to expect, and no way to prepare yourself for what's about to happen." She was disgusted by the glee she could clearly hear in his voice while he was talking about an even more sadistic way to hurt her._

_"So... since this is your first time, I'll give you a head start. I'll let you know what I'm going to use." She watched with her heart in her throat as he went near the table where his 'instruments' were._

_"Three options, Kensi. This..." He lifted a big serrated knife._

_"This..." He held up the whip, still covered with her blood from the other day._

_"Or... this." Cold fear settled in her when he walked to the brazier and took out a red-hot metal rod. Unfortunately she wasn't able to hide her frightened look from him, and when he caught sight of that, his smile grew wider. "Yes, this is gonna be fun..."_

_Knowing it would have been useless, she didn't struggle when he approached her, but when the blindfold was tightly tied behind her head and her vision was obscured, she couldn't help but starting to shake. She did her best to fight the panic that was rising in her, but with very little use. Not being able to see anything was beyond terryfing, she had no way to know what was going to happen or where the danger was coming from. She tried to focus on her hearing but it didn't work: the only thing clear to her was the sound of her own heart beating a mile a minute. So, completely unaware of her surroundings, she was startled when she felt a hand lightly traveling up and down her inner thigh. She squirmed in fear but was soon forced to stop since the movement was worsening the pain in her wrist. She couldn't do anything._

_His hand moved up her back, and then she felt the fabric of her shirt being ripped open, leaving her back completely bare. Hot breath tickled her ear._

_"What's gonna be, Kensi?" For an eternal moment she felt nothing, nothing except a bead of sweat trickling down her temple and a shiver running down her spine, making her tremble in anticipation and terror. But then she felt it. __Her brain registered a sizzling sound first, and the smell of something burning, but a fraction of second later pain came. As the red-hot iron was pressed against her back pain like she had never felt before hit her, shattering her mind, nullifying her defiance._

_Her willpower alone wasn't enough this time and nothing could stop her from releasing a blood-curling scream._

Kensi opened her eyes and shot up from her seat, desperately trying to suck air in her lungs. She took short, repeated breaths, blood ringing in her ears and her heart thumping frantically. Even though she started blinking to try and focus, it took her a while to become fully aware that she wasn't in Afghanistan anymore, but she was on the plane to Los Angeles instead. That didn't matter, though. She still felt like she was trapped in those chains, with that goddamn blindfold on. She could still feel the heat from the metal rod against her skin.

Passing a hand on her face she realized that she was soaked in sweat, so she got up and quickly headed for the toilet behind her. Unconsciouly, she noticed the head full of blond hair turning in her direction, but she didn't stop anyway. Once inside the cubicle, she rapidly locked the door and, resting her head against the small mirror over the sink, she let out a long breath. The coolness of the glass against the skin of her forehead felt really pleasant, and she closed her eyes, relishing that nice feeling for a moment. Without even looking, she reached down and turned the mixer faucet to cold. Then she finally opened her eyes and repeatedly splashed water on her face: the cold water had the effect desired and her head slowly became clear again.

She exhaled heavily: it had happened again. It was the second time in less than two days. When she was held captive, she had never had a nightmare. Maybe her mind was protecting her from reliving the horrors she couldn't escape in reality, she didn't know why truly. But now it was all coming back. Talking to Vance had only worsened the situation: she had been forced to spark memories that she thought were long gone, and now they were tormenting her in her sleep. She didn't want that. She wanted to forget. Everything. Everyone. She didn't need the nightmares, she was tormenting herself enough on her own, but maybe that was the price to pay, the price for being alive when she had no right to be.

Suddenly feeling like the air was lacking in that restricted space, she turned the water off and, after briefly checking that her face was decent enough, she finally got out of the toilet. As soon as she got out, she immediatly noticed three heads, Callen's, Sam's and Nell's, quickly turning in the direction opposite to hers, hoping that she hadn't caught them looking at her.

'Nice monitoring work, guys...' She thought to herself. However, she pretended she hadn't seen any of that and started walking back to her seat, but stopped after few steps. Her body was still lightly trembling, and the remnants of the panic she had experienced moments ago were still troubling her. If she had gone back to her seat, she knew she wouldn't have been able to calm down, at all. There was only one thing she could do: even if she knew she shouldn't have done that, even if she knew that she didn't deserve the comfort it would have brought her, she literally couldn't stop herself and, after getting past her original seat, she moved two rows ahead and sat next to him.

With the corner of the eye she saw him lifting his head from the magazine he was reading to look at her in surprise, but she didn't do anything except staring in front of her and waiting. She had been right: she didn't even need him to say anything. As soon as she sat next to him his presence and smell were enough to her, and a feeling of calmness and serenity washed over her, making her heartbeat slow down. She would have never been able to relax like this if she had gone back to her seat.

She didn't know how long they stayed like that, neither one of them doing or saying anything but, even though there was nothing awkward in their silence, she realized that she couldn't keep ignoring him like that, that she couldn't just use him to calm her nerves down. So, tentatively, for the first time since they had left the NCIS Headquarters, she spoke to him.

"Thank you..." Deeks looked at her slightly confused.

"For what?"

"For doing what I asked you. For not going off on Vance again after... well, you know..." She timidly looked at him and saw his expression changing as he understood what she was talking about.

After her debrief had ended, she had found him waiting for her with a small smile on his face, but after he had seen how upset and worn out she was, he had almost gone crazy. She had seen rage passing on his face and he had moved towards Vance, like he'd been ready to charge him. Kensi had understood immediatly what he wanted to do and had put herself before the angry man, trying to calm him down. After what the Director had told her, she couldn't afford Deeks to put his career in danger a second time.

At first he had tried to get past her, his anger almost blinding him, but then she had put her hand on his chest and had pleaded him not to do it, trying to make him understand that she was fine. Only then he had looked at her and she had felt his hertbeat calming down. They had stared into each other's eyes and finally he had reluctantly complied to her request.

"Hey, it's fine. I only wanted to face him because of the way he had treated you. It was never about me, you don't have to thank me. If I had realized that my actions would have upset you even more, I woudn't have done anything. I'm sorry I didn't understand it sooner. Seeing you like that made me go crazy, I'm sorry Kens. I just wanted you to be peaceful after the debrief. It shouldn't be you to thank me, it should be me to apologize to you." What he said made her almost smile. He was her selfless, crazy, reckless knight in shining armor, and she wasn't sure he realized how important he was to her, how important it was that, even though she'd had to stop him, she knew he was the man willing to fight for her.

After his words they were silent again: he would have wanted to talk with her for the rest of the flight, but her silent company would have been just fine. Having her next to him was good enough. So he tried to relax and went back to his magazine, thinking that they were done talking, but he was surprised when he heard her voice again, not only because she was speaking, but mostly because of what she was saying.

"There was a trapdoor..." Had he heard right? Was she willingly telling him about what had happened to her? "Vance asked me about the attack... I hid in a trapdoor, that's how I avoided the explosion." He straightened up in his seat, now completely focused on her words, and waited for her to go on. He didn't ask any question, he didn't say anything. He knew that if she was talking about that was because she had chosen to, and pushing her would have brought him anywhere. Even though he didn't know why she was doing it, he was glad that she was opening up to him, even if a little bit.

As she was talking, he noticed that her eyes were distant, like she was lost in God-knows-what memories.

"They captured me anyway though, and they brought me where you found me..." Kensi swallowed hard and stopped for a moment. It wasn't pleasant to relive that stuff again, but it was almost cathartic. It was completely different from when she had told the same things to Vance. She had no choice there, but with Deeks... he had never pressed her, she was voluntarily choosing to tell him. She was surprised to realize that, along with the discomfort she was experienceing talking about it, she was also felling something else, something close to relief. So she went on.

"In the compound I met..."

"The White Ghost." She nodded.

"His name is Travis Crowe." Kensi didn't miss the way his fist clenched when she mentioned the terrorist, but when he spoke, his voice was soft.

"If it's ok to ask... who is he?" She paused before answering and closed her eyes, thinking back to the day Crowe had told her his story.

"He's an ex-marine. He told me that he had enlisted just for having the chance to hurt people without having to face consequences. It didn't go as he'd planned and for two years he didn't fire a single shot. Then he was about to be sent home and, knowing that he wouldn't have had another chance to... have fun, he went on a killing spree. He was caught and arrested. He was on his way back to his base to answer for his crimes, but the chopper he and other marines were in was hit by a Talibans' attack and went down. He survived the impact, though. Only one of the marines who had taken him into custody was still alive with him. But he... to use his words... he took care of that." Just like it had happened months before, Kensi felt sickness rising when she thought back to the happiness in Crowe's voice as he was telling her about his savagery.

_"Have you ever cracked someone's head open with a rock, Kensi? Have you ever witnessed something like that? god, it's amazing. Words fail to describe it. The blood, the sound of the skull breaking, the expression of pain on that idiot's face... Seriously, it's a sight to be seen."_

She shook her head to try and drive his voice away from her mind. She briefly looked at Deeks and saw that he was struggling to contain his shock and sadness. She averted her eyes and moved on.

"This group of Talibans, the same that held me captive, saw him do that so, instead of killing him they brought him to their leader. I... I don't remember very well what he told me next exactly, but basically he 'earned' his trust till becoming his right man. And when he was killed in a shooting with US troups, Crowe took his place as leader and became the White Ghost... You didn't find anything on him because he wa believed dead by everyone." Her voice had never been louder than a whisper, but still she felt out of breath. The realization that if one single event had gone differently, if Crowe had died in that chopper with the others nothing would have happened to her threatened to overwhelm herand she had to stop before her voice could start cracking.

"Is he..." Apparently Deeks was having the same problem. "Is he still alive?" Kensi could clearly hear the strain in his voice, the struggle to keep calm and collected. She answered his question nodding and she could swear she heard his teeth grinding one against the other, so hard he was clenching his jaw.

"Is that why Vance left in such a hurry?"

"Yes... After telling him about everything else, I informed him about this." She didn't realize it, but her last sentence held for Deeks much more relevance that she could imagine. Her words, that 'everything else', so vague and terrifying sparked in him curiosity and fear at the same time. He wanted to know and he didn't want to. He had chosen not to follow her when she had gone to the toilet, but he had noticed her horrified expression. What could be so bad to make Kensi Marie Blye have such horrible nightmares? However, he didn't know if he was going to have another chance to talk with her like this so, even if he wasn't sure abut it, he decided to ask the dreaded question.

"Why, uh... why did Vance keep you so long? What did he ask you?" He saw her frowning and looking down, biting her lower lip, but eventually she surprisingly answered.

"He wanted to know... he wanted to know if I had given information. I told him no, but he wouldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that after... everything, I had managed to survive without breaking." That 'everything' again. It was so indefinite that it was scaring him even more. It had to be something terrible to make Vance doubt about her honesty, and he was feeling nauseous even trying to imagine what it could be.

"How... I mean, uh... how did you do it, then? How did you survive?" He asked with an even more faltering voice. Staring at her, he saw her eyes glistening, she closed her hands in tight fists, and she stiffened to try and hide her shaking. She turned her head away from him and he realized that he had gone too far, and now she was shutting down again. Knowing that presing her would have only made things worse, he sighed heavily and rested his head against the seatback, ready to spend the rest of the flight in silence, but then something happened.

He heard a single whisper, so soft that he almost missed it, but as soon as he realized what Kensi had said, he felt his eyes water, her words tugging at his heartstrings and taking him completely by surprise.

"It was you..."


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi everybody! How are you all? What did you do during these days? I'm doing great, you know why? Because my story has 114 follower, 41 favorites and 81 reviews! 81! I still can't believe it... Last chapter I was hoping to get to 70 and then this! I know I'm repeating myself, but you are the best in the world! Really! Your response has been even more awsome than usual and you can't understand how happy you made me with every single one of your comments. Thank you! Also, some of you told me that I could improve my story using a beta, but I don't really know how that works, so if someone of you could PM me and let me know, that would be really great! So... now more than ever I feel like I have to make special thanks. Here we go... Special thanks to blue dogs rock, to RuthWriter and to anonkp.**

**And a very very very very very special thanks to Guestt, who basically reviewed my entire story all at once, and took time to write down some of the issues that I was having. Thank you thank you very much! To answer you, of course I take what you've told me as constructive. I see it as an unexpected help, more than welcome by the way!**

**Now... after all that, here's ch.11**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Putting an arm out of the car window, Kensi closed her eyes to better savour the feeling of the warm breeze of Los Angeles against her skin. It was such a familiar feeling, but she had never given much thought to it, and now it seemed one of the most beautiful things in the world.

Home. She was home.

Back in Washington and on the plane, somehow she still hadn't been 100% sure about it, like her mind was telling her that she was going to wake up any moment to realize that it had all been a dream. But now her doubts were gone, they had definetly flown out of the window the moment she had felt the californian sun at dusk kissing her face. And yet she couldn't be happy about it, she just couldn't. It was like that emotion had been erased to be replaced by a constant numbness and emptiness.

She turned to look at the blonde man driving the car and she wondered if she was ever going to be able to feel happiness again. Right now she didn't even think she deserved it.

Noticing with the corner of the eye that she was staring at him, Deeks glanced at her direction and she immediately looked away, too ill at ease to meet his eyes. After her confession on the plane, they hadn't basically said a word to each other, her because she hadn't had the strength to talk more about what she had admitted, and him simply because he'd wanted to respect her wish to stay silent. Their only exchange had been when they'd landed and he'd offered to drive her wherever she wanted, receiving only a nod as an answer from her.

So now they were stuck together in the car, a weird silence between them, a silence that was driving both of them nuts: they had never felt uncomfortable around each other, and in the past, even their time spent together silently had never felt awkward, but now everything was different. To Deeks it was frustrating, because he was feeling useless, like he wasn't being good enough to help her open up. Telling himself that it had barely been two days since when she'd come back wasn't helpful at all. To Kensi, it was painful and it was making her feel even guiltier, because she could sense his frustration very clearly, and she felt like this wasn't fair to him. He deserved something better than being stuck with someone so broken and damaged.

Eventually they stopped at a street light and Deeks, thinking that the situation was becoming way too awkward, decided to try and shake things up so, mustering his courage, he finally opened his mouth and addressed the brunette sitting next to him.

"So..." She snapped out of her thoughts when she became aware that he was talking to her. The nervousness in his voice was undeniable. "I know that I told you I'd take you wherever you wanted, but... to do so, Kens, I kinda need you to tell me where you wanna go, don't you think?" She heard some sort of grunt and she realized that it was his poor attempt at chuckling, as unsuccessful as his attempt at keeping his tone casual, like everything was fine.

"Y-yeah, you're right..." She hadn't even thought about that when she had arrived. She bit her lower lip, trying to think about what she wanted to do. Deeks probably noticed her indecision so he started proposing some options.

"We can go... to eat something or, I can take you to OSP or..." She shook her head. She wasn't hungry at all and right now going back to their base was the last thing she wanted to do. As bad as it was to say that, she didn't want to see the others, she didn't want to be surrounded by people. Apart from Deeks, she just wanted to be alone.

"Look, just... just take me to my apartment, ok?" She saw him briefly turning to look at her with a hesitant expression on his face.

"Yes, ok I can do that but... uh, I don't know if it's the best idea." She narrowed her eyes and turned to him, questioning him with her look. He cleared his throat more than once before explaining what he had just said. "I mean, you were... away... you were away for eight months, Kensi. Your house probably is not in the best conditions."

The moment he said that, she instantly understood where he was going with this.

"Maybe it would be better if you stayed with..."

"No." She abruptely interrupted him, but meeting his eyes and seeing the hurt in them she realized how harsh she had been and immediately felt sorry. She knew very well that he was just trying to help her and he didn't deserve to be treated like that, but the idea of staying with him, increasing the chances of repeating shaming and painful accidents like the one in the hotel room in Washington had caused her to freak out and react badly.

Ashamed by her behaviour, she licked her lower lip in embarassment and, with the smallest voice, whispered her apology to him.

"Sorry, Deeks. I'm so sorry. I know you mean well, and I appreciate it. It's just... I don't know, I think I would be more comfortable in my apartment."

"Ok, I get that... really." She knew he did. After Sidorov she had asked him many times if he wanted her to stay with him, and he had always answered that he preferred to be alone. He was probably the person who could understand her better, and still he wasn't giving up. "But Kens, you realize that there won't be light or gas in your house. Not even water. You cannot stay there, at least not now, you know it."

Crap. Was she stupid? Why hadn't she thought about that? Of course there wouldn't be electricity or water, she definetly hadn't had the chance to pay her bills during her time... away, as he had told.

"It wouldn't be for long... just a few days, the time necessary to fix this problem." Cheeky bastard. He knew she had no way to reply to that, so he was trying even harder to convince her. For a few minutes she kept silent, thinking to some alternative, but in the end she realized that there wasn't any and, if she was going to stay with someone, then she wanted nobody but Deeks.

"Just for a few days?" She whispered, and he did a very poor job at hiding the happiness in his voice.

"Just for a few days." At that she took a deep, long breath and, finally, gave in.

"...Ok."

They spent the rest of the trip in silence: after agreeing to go to his place she just clammed up, thinking and rethinking to her situation. She had just come back and everything was already going wrong. She was supposed to go back on her feet, they were expecting her to do it, Deeks was expecting her to be her old self, but at the same time he wasn't trusting to leave her alone. He was trying to control her.

Idiot. What was she thinking? Just as that thought crossed her mind she felt the impulse to slap herself in the face. How could she think that about Deeks? He wasn't trying to control her, he was just trying to help her. She was so damaged that she was starting to blame him, the only person she had always trusted completely. A sick feeling crept up to her: if her distorted mind, even for a moment, was making her doubt Deeks, _Deeks,_ the man who had literally travelled across the world to rescue her, the man who had kept her alive during her hell, then she was even more broken than she thought. And what was worse, she didn't know she was going to be able to come back from it, to be fixed, to heal.

Lost in her messed up reflections, she didn't realized they had reached destination until she heard him softly call her name. Only then she noticed that the car had stopped, and for a while actually. She gave Deeks a nod to let him know that she had heard him, but didn't move. She didn't react even when she noticed that he had gotten out of the car to take his bag from the trunk. She just sat there, emptying her mind, trying to force every kind of thought or worry out of her head, until her car door opened and she turned to find Deeks staring at her with a half-smile on his face.

"Ready, princess?"

She didn't answer, but this time she followed him out of the vehicle. They walked together to the main entrance and, after he found his keys, they finally got inside.

Just like that. No intense pauses, no anticipation, no speeches of any sort. They simply entered his apartment, like they had done many times in the past, like it was the most normal thing in the world, like nothing had changed.

All it took to break the spell was for him to turn the lights on, though. The moment the room was illuminated, that momentary illusion ended and she was almost overwhelmed by a sudden cognizance. She was at his place, right now. It wasn't a memory she was clinging to in order to stop suffering, no, it was really happening. Images from a different life started passing before her eyes, as for the first time she consciously realized that some of the best things in her life had happened right there.

She couldn't stop herself, though. Her face darkened when her mind automatically drew the comparison: the last time she had crossed that threshold, she had been full of nothing but excitement, a little bit of nervousness and mostly love. Pure love. Now there was coldness inside of her. Anything good in her had been crushed, annihilated or replaced by pain and an agonizing sense of emptiness. Yes, it was a lie: there was nothing normal about that situation. Everything had changed. She had changed.

"Alright... here we are..." She heard him mumble while closing the door. By the way he was fidgeting with his hair she could see that he was as nervous as she was.

"Yeah, so... I'm sorry about the mess..." For the first time since they had arrived, Kensi took in her surroundings. She had been so focused on the essence of that place, on the meaning it held to her, that she hadn't even looked around. His words brought her attention to the material appearance of the house, and she finally noticed what a disaster zone it really was: everything was out of place, there were clothes everywhere, papers scattered on the floor and on the table in front of the couch, and there were several cans and beer bottles all around. She knew it was a sign. Deeks was completely obsessed with cleaning and order, she would even make fun of him saying he was borderline OCD. His house had always been neat. She had seen his place in this condition only one other time: after his ordeal with Sidorov, when he had finally let her in after having ignored her for months.

She remembered every detail about that night. Their initial awkwardness while trying to figure out how to act around each other, the following calmness and relax when they had started eating, the surprise and happiness in his eyes when he had found the cronut. The relief that had washed over her when he had finally fallen into a peaceful sleep, and the joy that she had felt realizing that she had been the one to give him that small amount of serenity, serenity that he needed and had been lacking for God knows how long. The ease and clarity with which she had realized that she couldn't live without him. That, as crazy and unlikely as it was, she had fallen in love with him. And she would have done anything not to lose him.

That's why she knew. She had already seen this, so she was aware that the chaos in his apartment was just mirroring the chaos in his mind, in his soul, and she was devastated thinking that he had experienced something like that again, only this time because of her.

"Uhm... I know it's not the best, I should have thought about it." She looked at him and, seeing the distress on his face, she realized that, since she still hadn't said anything he was increasingly worrying. All her previous stupid thoughts flew out of the window and she felt ashamed for having thought bad of him even for a second. He had done nothing but being good to her. Even too good.

She couldn't believe this man. He had offered to take care of her without asking anything in return, on the other hand receiving an hostile treatment from her, and now he was concerned that his place couldn't be to her liking. Yes. He was definitely too good.

"No, look... it's ok." She immediatly proceeded to reassure him then, without thinking about it, her lips arched in what was supposed to be a smile. "You know I like messy..." She said with a small voice. Deeks stared at her with his eyes open wide for a moment, baffled by her joking answer, but once gotten over the surprise, he felt his heart swell and he smiled back at her, his eyes brightening.

That was one of their things: just like she did with his obsession for cleaning, he would always make fun of her for her hopeless mess. Several of their constant banters would revolve around that, and the fact that she had just joked about it, even now, even after so long, sparked hope in him. Hope that his Kensi was still there somewhere, that maybe, _maybe_, there was still a chance for them to go back to who they were before... this.

He saw then her smile falter and her eyes move away, like she was unable to hold his stare, and he realized that they were still far from that but, even if there was still a long way ahead of them, he had no intention of giving up.

"One day at the time." He told himself. "That's it. Just one day at the time."

With that resolution in his mind, he dropped his bag on the couch and worked o what to do next. Kensi was just standing in awkwardly in the middle of the room, so he realized that in order to unblock things he was the one who had to do something.

"So... what do you feel like doing now?" She just shrugged, unsure on what to answer.

"Ok, well... what to do? What to do? Oh... we could have dinner." Before she had the time to reply he had already stormed to the kitchen, babbling about the fantastic dish he was going to cook for her. It was less than a minute later that he came back with his hand in his hair and a frown on his face.

"Looks like in order to eat, you're supposed to have something in your fridge..."

"It's fine, Deeks. I'm not... I'm not even hungry actually." He almost laughed at that.

"Are you kidding me? We didn't eat anything in DC andthat 'thing' they served us on the plane cannot be classified as edible food. I'm starving, how can you not be?" He caught sight of her embarassed look one second too late, but when he did he mentally cursed himself and his stupid big mouth. God, it wasn't like she was so skinny because she had chosen to lose excessive weight. Of course she wasn't hungry, eight months of malnutrition would do that to anybody.

Feeling guilty, Deeks started chewing the inside of his cheek and for a moment thought of dropping the discussion completely, to avoid any other awkward exchanges, but then he realized that he couldn't. Whether she wanted or not, she was going to have to start eating again. He just had to play it in a different way.

"Well, you may not be, but I'm really hungry and I think I'm really in the mood for... Korean." He glanced at her, hoping to get some positive reaction from her, but all he got was a 'seriously?' look, just to make him know that she had understood perfectly what he was trying to do.

"It won't take long, in the meantime you can... I don't know, just chill, take a shower, relax... Basically you can do whatever you want. I'll be as quick as the Flash." As he reached for the door, Kensi tried to protest once again.

"Really Deeks. You don't have to..."

"No, it's fine. Besides, this way I can take this opportunity to bring you something from your place. I mean, all you have is the stuff that I gave you in Washington, so maybe it's better if I get you some other change of clothes. Also I think you are tired of walking around with military boots, am I right?" She stared at him and opened her mouth more then once, as if she was trying to think of something to say in reply, but in the end she just shook her head and sighed, letting him know that he had won.

"Yeah, ok. Do... do that. It's fine... Oh, uhm, if you're going to my place, my spare key is hidden under...

_Under the doormat. _He thought as she was telling him, not knowing that he already had that information. He had found out by chance: one of the countless times he had passed in front of her house during those dark months, Monty had accidentally moved the doormat and he had seen the key. And that small object had tormented him, making him struggle with the decision to take it and go inside, just to have the chance at being surrounded by things in which he thought he could find her essence, her spirit, or, as he had chosen to do, to leave it where it was to not invade her privacy just for his selfish desire.

He didn't say that to Kensi. She didn't need to know about his pain, she was suffering enough already. So he simply mumbled a 'yes' and an 'I'll be back soon', and then left.

He didn't know that Kensi had noticed the way his expression had changed in a fraction of a second: she stood still staring at the door for a few minutes, trying to figure out what that strange look on his face could mean, but in the end she let out a long breath and chose to simply let go.

She turned around and took a few steps before stopping once again. She was feeling dumb standing there as stiff as a poker, but what were her options?

_"Do whatever you want." _Yeah, like it was easy. She had no idea what to do and frankly she didn't know if she even had the energy to do something. It had been a really stressing day and she was feeling exhausted. The most intelligent thing to do would have been to try and rest, but she wanted to wait for Deeks to come back, and also she remembered very well what had happened the last time she had wanted to do it. Right now she had no intention of experiencing something like that again.

She stayed there a little longer, racking her brains, but in the end she realized that the only thing that was coming to her mind that seemed to make sense was actually what Deeks had proposed. Yes, a shower was a good idea, especially after her meeting with Vance. She needed to wash away the feelings that had resurfaced after that awful interview.

She finally managed to move and, once removed the boots that were crushing her feet, she headed for the bathroom. She was walking down the hallway when with the corner of the eye she saw something that made her freeze: she turned her head and looked at the half-closed door to her left. For an interminable moment she did absolutely nothing except staring at it, but then she felt an unknown force drawing her to the room. Acting on instinct, without even being aware that her legs were already moving, she pushed the door open and entered the bedroom.

It was dark inside, the sunset light peeking through the curtains. She didn't know what had made her go there, but looking at the bed she automatically started thinking to what memories that place held, and her mind was flooded with images.

_Kensi was lying on her stomach with her head resting on her arms crossed on top of the pillow. She was feeling good. Very good. She actually couldn't remember the last time she had felt like this. Her eyes closed, she was so relaxed that she was almost feeling sleepy. Tension had left her body to be replaced by an enjoyable torpidity. She was thinking that she couldn't feel any better, when she was proved wrong, and a small smile appeared on her face.  
_

_She felt him place his lips on her lower back and slowly travel all the way up to her neck, making her skin pleasantly tingle with every one of those soft, sensual kisses. When he reached an especially sensitive spot in the arch between her shoulder and neck, and started gently sucking on it, she couldn't help but let out a soft moan and he chuckled, his stubble tickling her, driving her crazy._

_"I don't think I'll ever get enough of this..." Deeks whispered. She smoothly shifted in the bed and turned to her left to face him, propping herself up on one elbow._

_"I thought you had said I wasn't your type..." She said playfully. In return he stared at her with his cheeky face and grinned._

_"And I thought it was obvious that I was shamelessly lying... To make you angry, of course, because you are insanely pretty when you are angry." She giggled and, looking at her, he exhaled slowly. _

_"Your smile, though..." He circled her with an arm and drew her closer to him. "Nothing can compare to you smiling..." She stared into his blue eyes, deep as the ocean, and for the first time since probably high school she felt herself blush. She didn't know why: maybe it had been the honesty in his voice, the way he had said it, like it was obvious to him, or maybe it had been the light in his eyes, the way he had looked at her, like she was the most beautiful thing in the world._

_Kensi lowered her eyes and closed them briefly, letting out a breath at the feeling of what he was doing with his fingers, that had replaced his lips in her back and were now drawing small circles all around. They stayed like that in silence for a while, reveling in each other's proximity, then she opened her eyes once again and whispered._

_"It's not a dream. We're here. It happened..." She wasn't sure if she was talking to him or to herself, if that was a question or a statement._

_"Do you regret it?" Deeks asked softly, his fingers never interrupting their ministration. She looked up at him and shook her head, almost surprised by how certain she was of her answer._

_"No..." A smile brightened his face when he heard that, but then he tilted his head and stared at her intensely._

_"But?" She frowned confused._

_"I know there's a but, Fern. It's ok, whatever it is you can tell me." He knew her, and he could see that there was more than she was letting on. And he was right. She didn't even try to protest._

_"But..." She hesitated and bit her lower lip, unsure on how to continue, but in the end she sighed and chose that the best thing to do was simply let it out._

_"What if I told you... What if I told you that I want to stay here like this forever? That I want to freeze time, that I want this night to never end? What if I told you it's because I'm afraid? Because I'm afraid... I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid that the moment we get up from this bed this will become real. And if it becomes real, it becomes messy. I'm afraid of the troubles that are sure to come, of the worries, of the complications, and that they will be too big to get pass them. I'm afraid that this will end with us thinking we've made a mistake..." _

_Once she stopped talking, Kensi swallowed nervously. She had never been so straightforward with him, with anybody really, so now she was scared by how he was going to take what she had just revealed. __Deeks didn't answer immediately, still taking in her words, but when he finally did, there was no trace of doubt in his voice, his tone both gentle and firm._

_"I don't know what's going to happen, or what problems are coming, or what challenges we're gonna have to face. And I'm scared too, because I don't know what to expect. But there's one thing I'm sure of: nothing, nothing... could ever make me regret what we did. And this... being here, with you... nothing is ever going to make me think that it was a mistake. Nothing. Ok?" _

_She felt her heart swell: his words, his voice... He truly believed that. Apart from her father, nobody had ever made her feel like she was the most important person in someone's life, until now. And it was scaring and wonderful at the same time._

_Smiling almost timidly, her next question came out as a whisper._

_"Do you think one can know true happiness?"_

_"...Well, I think if you invited your famous friend Monica to join us I would get pretty close to... Ouch! Ok, ok! Just kidding..." He said as she punched him in the shoulder for his reply, so typical of him. For a second she put on an angry face, but staring at his sassy grin she just couldn't resist. She dropped her facade and they both started laughing._

_Their giggling went on for a while, until it started gradually diminishing and on their face remained only a smile. Deeks' one grew wider before he answered her question, truthfully this time._

_"I don't know how generally people classify happiness, I think it should be about getting what you want the most. Well, what I wanted the most in the world was you, so I should be doing good. But see... There's a problem." He let out a shaky breath and his voice lowered as he move a strand of hair away from her face. "Even now that you're here, that's not enough anymore. I want you again, and again... I want more of you, I want all of you..." He stared into her eyes with a look ever intense and passionate, and under that look, Kensi felt her heart beat quicken._

_"So... I don't know, this happiness thing can be pretty tricky." He grinned, lightening things up, and she smiled in return. _

_It was in that moment that she realized something: what he had said, the way he was staring at her, the way he was touching her... because of all that she became aware that her torpidity was well gone and, instead, every nerve in her body was now fully awake and responding.__They didn't move for another moment, but soon that stillness, that wait, became almost agonizing to Kensi. So she acted on instinct._

_Suddenly she put a hand on his bare chest and pushed him down on his back, particularly enjoying the look of surprise on his face, then she got on top of him. She leaned in close, slowly lowering her chest to his and smiled internally as she felt the physical effect she was having on him against her thigh._

_"Well... since it's not tomorrow yet..." She pushed her hand into his hair and gently pulled at it so to make him turn his head, then she placed her lips against his ear and when she nibbled at his lobe, she __was rewarded with a moan of pleasure. Her free hand ran up his chest and when she finally let go of the ear she had been tormenting she clearly felt his heart beating a mile a minute. Trembling with need and anticipation, she let out the softest and most sensual of whispers._

_"Show me how much you want me..."_

_She didn't have time to lift her head that he locked his hand behind her neck to draw her close to him again, and he crashed his mouth against hers._

Kensi closed her eyes and stormed out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Once out, she exhaled heavily and swallowed down the lump that had formed in her throat. She had been an idiot to go inside that room. There was nothing for her there. That wasn't her life anymore. All she had were memories that belonged to someone else, and dwelling on them was only going to bring her more pain. Besides, there was no way that something like that could ever happen to her again, there was no way that she could want something like that again, that she could enjoy it. No, the best idea was to try to forget or at least stop thinking about it. So that's exactly what she did. She stopped thinking and went back to her original plan.

She reached the bathroom and, once removed all her clothes, she hopped in the shower. There, what she did was turn her mind off, refusing to think or worry about anything, and simply enjoyed the feeling of the hot water falling on her broken body.

By the time she got out she realized that she wasn't feeling clean but numb. Totally numb. She dried herself with a towel that then wrapped around her body, and, after picking up her clothes from the floor, she went back to the living room, where Deeks had left his bag with her stuff inside too. She took only the underwear: she didn't want to wear jeans and the only shirt she had left was the short-sleeved polo he had bought for her. She wouldn't feel comfortable wearing a short-sleeved shirt with him around.

So she chose plan B instead and, reluctantly, went back to the bedroom. This time she didn't look around, she acted on autopilot, just thinking to what she needed. She went to his closet and took out a pair of running shorts. She tried them on and, once she tightened them around her waist she saw that they were reaching almost below her knees, so she decided that they were ok. Then she completed her outfit putting on a black LAPD hoodie that literally engulfed her, but weirdly felt comfortable on her, so she chose to keep it on.

Once she was done, she closed his closet and went back to the living room, to wait for Deeks.

Even though it seemed an eternity to her, it actually didn't take him very long to come back. Once he got back inside, he briefly stopped to stare at how she was dressed, but then recomposed and chuckled.

"Well, it looks better on you..." He closed the door with a kick, dropped the bag that contained what she supposed were her clothes on the couch and then headed for the table, gesturing for her to follow him.

"Alright, I've been dying to eat this..." They sat and she watched as he took out the Korean food: she inhaled deeply as the wonderful smell assaulted her senses. She had no way of controlling her body reaction and her stomach growled loudly, making Deeks giggle.

"Wow, looks like someone is finally hungry... Lucky for you Kensalina, I thought it might happen, so I took care of that." He took out another box from the paper bag and handed it to her, together with a fork. She glanced at him and then at the box again and, after a moment of pause she opened it, already knowing what was inside. The smallest smile appeared on her face when she saw the bulgogi.

"You're welcome..." Deeks said smiling after seeing her face, then he couldn't wait any longer and threw himself on the food.

The smell coming from the marinated beef made her mouth water and her stomach growl even louder, but even if it was really inviting she hesitated: when she had tried to eat something on the plane she had almost thrown up. Having been forced to eat nothing but a piece of stale bread for months, her body now seemed to reject anything different from that, so she was afraid that it was going to happen there too.

"Hey..." She turned when she heard Deeks call her. He hadn't missed the uncertain look in her eyes. "Just try, ok? Small bites, just to put something in your stomach. What do you think?" She didn't answer, feeling still unsure, but in the end she took the fork and finally brought the smallest piece of beef to her mouth. She struggled with it a bit, but she had to admit that it was amazing. She closed her eyes to better savor that forgotten taste and exhaling, she re-opened them and reluctantly looked at the blonde man.

"Ok... thanks." He didn't say anything , but his grin clearly showed how happy he was of hearing those words.

They didn't speak throughout the whole dinner, given that he was busy trying to act casually while actually checking how she was doing, and she was too focused on trying to force food down her throat. When she was half-way through her meal, she felt her stomach start cramping, protesting at the unusual amount of food, and she realized that she needed to stop. She glanced at Deeks to make him understand that every attempt was going to be useless this time , and, since he had actually managed to make her eat something, he chose to let go and simply change the subject.

"So... your place is fine. Just a little dusty, but no big deal. I took a bunch of stuff, mostly shirts and underwear... no, don't make it weird." She raised her eyebrows and gave him a look between annoyed and amused, but then gestured for him to continue. "I bought you a new toothbrush and also took a pair of your shoes. I... I didn't take jeans. I wanted to but..." He hesitated, his face serious now. "But I think they would have been too loose for you to wear them." His embarrassment was palpable and was only making hers grow. Suddenly feeling very self conscious, she deviated her eyes from his.

"Yeah, I... I lost some weight..." She said softly. It was terrible: she could hide the majority of the effect those eight months had had on her, but not everything. Some things were just in plain sight. In moments like this she felt like she still hadn't left that compound, like she had never been rescued... Suddenly a question popped in her mind, something that she still hadn't had the chance to ask, so she turned to Deeks to satisfy her curiosity.

"How did you find me?" He opened his eyes wider, taken aback by the unexpected question. "It's just... I have been wondering and I never got the chance to really ask." He kept quiet, he himself trying to figure out how to answer properly, but when he did, she saw that his eyes had become distant, traveling through who knows what memories.

"By accident..." That was not what she expected, but didn't say anything and just waited for him to go on.

"We had a case... weapon smuggling related to terrorism. There was a shoot-out and one of our targets, Zemar Qaderi got killed. We took in custody his niece, this kid named Benham. He agreed to cooperate with us in exchange for protection. So, he was telling us all he knew and out of the blue it came out that he had met... Crowe." She noticed how his jaw clenched as he spat out his name. "We were talking about that when, suddenly, he told me... he told me that he had seen you."

"What?" She whispered, totally confused.

"Well, he described you, but I knew immediately that it was you, even if everyone was telling me that it wasn't possible." She felt her eyes glisten as she heard him clear his throat to hide the fact that his voice was cracking.

"Anyway... we reported to Hetty and she organized a rescue mission. It was unlikely to find you alive, or even that the woman Benham had described was actually you, but it didn't matter. That smallest chance was all I... we... was all we needed. So we went to Afghanistan and... you know the rest." When Deeks stopped talking the room was filled with an unbelievable, deafening silence. She was staring in front of her, trying to process what she had learned. It had been an accident, nothing more. If even the most insignificant event had changed nothing would have happened: if Benham had died with his uncle, if he had refused to work with the team, if Deeks hadn't believed that he was actually talking about her, she would have never been found and taken out of that compound. She would have spent the rest of her life in that hell, like Crowe had promised her.

When that realization hit her, she felt her chest tighten and had to struggle even more than before with the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Kens?" His wavering voice brought her back to reality, and she blinked rapidly to force back the tears.

"I'm ok... Thanks for telling me." Her tone was distant, almost cold, and she didn't want to answer to him like that, but it was the only way to deal with what she had found out. With the corner of the eye she saw him stare at her, and for a moment he didn't do anything, just waiting for whatever reaction she might have to what he had just told her, but after she repeated that she was fine, he nodded and got up from his seat.

"Alright, then... So, is there anything you want to do?" She stood up too.

"Actually I'm feeling a bit tired now."

"Oh... No, it's ok. It's perfect, I'm tired too. We should probably go get some rest. Here... let me take your bag to the bedroom." Once he said that, she promptly started protesting. There was no need for her to take the bedroom and force him to sleep on the couch, since she couldn't even sleep on the bed.

"No, Deeks. The couch is fine, really...I don't need..."

"Stop it" He cut her off. " Don't even try it, ok? You take the bedroom, there's no way I let you sleep on the couch. End of the discussion." She understood from his strong tone that he was adamant about this. She could have complained more, but she knew that it would have only caused an endless argument, and she couldn't bear it now. She was way too worn out, and his confession had really been the last straw. So she nodded and allowed him to take her bag and walk her to the bedroom, but she resolved to manage things very differently in the next days.

Once inside the bedroom, Deeks placed her bag on the bed. Kensi watched him take his pajama pants from the closet and then walk slowly to the door. When he reached the threshold he turned to her, who was standing next to the bed very stiffly.

"If you need anything I'm right outside, ok?" She nodded and in that moment realized how grateful she was to him for leaving her space, for understanding what she needed without even asking. Her eyes softened as they met his and she let out a whisper.

"Thanks Deeks." He brightened up and a small smile appeared on his face, then he chuckled, heading out.

"My pleasure, Fern..." He got out of the room and, before closing the door, he gently addressed her one last time. "Goodnight, Kensi."

He had already left, so he didn't see how the look on her face changed after he said that. Her smile faltered and a shudder ran through her spine. Clenching tightly her fists, she turned to the bed and let out a deep, long sigh, trying to calm down. As her attempts at mentally preparing herself for what she knew was coming failed, she just closed her eyes and chuckled humorlessly.

_Yes. Goodnight..._

* * *

Deeks opened his eyes at the bothersome feeling of his throat demanding water. He glanced at his phone and let out a groan seeing that it was still 3.10 am. Getting up seemed an impossible challenge, but licking his dried lips he realized that he was so thisrty that staying there like that would have been equally painful. So, yawning, he fought against his own laziness and got up from the couch. Walking in darkness he finally arrived to the kitchen and took a bootle of water. The feeling of the cold liquid running down his parched throat was wonderful and he emptied the bottle ever so quickly.

Once his need was satisfied, he felt his lids becoming heavy, as sleep was making itself heard again so, mentally resolving to put a glass of water next to him during night from now on, he walked back to the living room. He was ready to collapse on the couch again when he suddenly heard something that caught his attention.

Even if it had been very feeble, he knew he hadn't imagined that whimper. As a proof that he was right, immediately after that he heard a moan, this time louder. He was fully awake now, because he knew that the only person who could have made those sounds was the woman resting in his bedroom. And he didn't like that, at all.

He slowly made his way down the hallway, straining to hear more. He didn't have to make such an effort: as he was coming closer to the room, the sounds were becoming louder and louder, and when he heard what was clearly a pained moan his chest tightened with dread. With his heart in his throat, Deeks knocked on the door, scared to find out what was going on.

"Kensi?" He got no answer and his worry increased even more. He hesitated still for a moment, but when a half-choked sob reached his ears he mustered his courage and forced himself to open the door.

Inside it was even darker than in the rest of the house, and it took him a moment to adjust his sight. When he was able to see again, surprise and confusion hit him, as he saw that the bed was empty. Then he heard another noise coming from the side of the bed, and he suddenly understood, remembering what she had told him in DC about sleeping. That didn't reassure him in the slightest, though. He slowly circled the bed moving towards the sounds. What he saw made him stop breathing.

Kensi was lying on the floor on a pallet she had made with sheets, but she wasn't Kensi. He had never seen her like this, not even when he had found her in that dark cell. He had never seen an expression so fearful and pained on her face, and it was terrifying.

It was only when she moaned again that he snapped out of his shock. Realizing the seriousness of the situation, he ran to where she was lying and crouched next to her, desperately trying to shake her out of her nightmare.

"Kensi. Kens, it's me. It's Deeks. Can you hear me? Wake up." As he assessed her status, he felt dread and fear creep up to him: her entire body was stiff and shaking, her fists were clenched so tightly that he was sure she was breaking the skin with her nails, and her breathing was uneven. Her face was what was scaring him the most, though. She was as pale as a ghost, her hair was matted with sweat and her eyes were moving impossibly fast behind her lids, like she was helplessly trying to escape from whatever nightmare she was stuck into.

Seeing her suffering like this was causing him an unbelievable pain, and the fact that she wasn't responding to him only worsened things. He didn't stop, though. He had to help her. He needed to.

He kept repeating her name and calling her, trying and trying to wake her up, but nothing seemed to work. He put a hand on her shoulder and his heart shattered in million pieces when he heard the broken and terrified 'no'. Choking back tears, he doubled his efforts, wanting with all his soul to take her away from whatever she was fighting. He started shaking her a little harder, always talking to her with a soothing voice.

"Kensi, open your eyes. It's a nightmare, you're back. Come on, wake up. Please." At first it didn't have any effect other than making her struggle more to get away from his touch. In the end, though, he felt a sudden spasm pass through her body and then her eyes snapped open. Letting out a strangled cry, she finally shot up.

Even if she was now awake, Deeks understood immediately that she was still inside her nightmare: her face was a mask of fear and panic, she was taking short, ragged breaths and her eyes were darting wildly around the room, trying to identify an unknown threat. It was horrible to see her like this and all he wanted to do was cry and hold her tight in his arms, but he knew he couldn't do that. She was still panicking and under shock, and he had no idea what her mind was showing her. The best thing to do was to bring her back to where she was.

"Hey, hey, easy... Kensi, breath. You're with me. You're back, ok? You're home." He started seeing small changes as he kept trying to calm her down with his voice. Her breathing, even if still quickened, slowly started to be less erratic, and she blinked repeatedly, regaining awareness of where she was. When finally her eyes met his, Deeks saw them shining with unshed tears.

"Deeks..." She said between breaths with a cracked voice. He smiled and nodded, trying to reassure her.

"Yes, Kens. That's right. You're with me, safe. It was just a nightmare. You're home. You're not there anymore." She saw her looking away and frowning, as if she was trying to process what he was saying, forcing her mind to realize that those horrors weren't there. But then her eyes widened and she started gasping.

Before he could say anything she pushed him away, got up and ran to the small bathroom in the bedroom, knowing she would have never made it to the one outside. Deeks recovered quickly and got up on his feet, running behind her. He was a second too late and couldn't stop her from shutting the door closed, locking him out, but even if he wasn't there, he could clearly hear the sound of her violently retching.

Devastated at hearing her in so much pain without being able to do anything he started hitting the door, desperately needing to help her.

"Kensi, open the door. Let me in, please." He got no answer so he kept pounding on the door, until, between sniffles, he heard a wavering, stressed voice.

"Go... go away, Deeks." That was all he heard before the heaving started again. Her small voice broke his heart and he had to choke back tears, feeling like someone was squeezing his heart in a vise. It was killing him... All this pain, this suffering she was experiencing. He had already been through that, but he would have taken her pain on himself in a second if he'd been able to. Because he knew damn well what unspeakable suffering was required for someone to have those kind of night terrors, for someone to be afraid to sleep or to wake up believing to be still living that torment. And it had taken only hours to almost destroy his soul, to bring into his life a fear and agony that he didn't think existed. Thinking to what eight months of that could have done to her was tearing him apart.

He tried once again, softer this time, begging her to let him in. The only answer he got were her choked sobs. He slided down on the floor, and rested his head against the door. A single tear ran down his cheek and in that moment he felt on the verge of breaking. It was only her soft sniffling that stopped him, that helped him put himself together, a bit at least. Because that small, pained sound gave him a purpose. Yes, she was suffering now, _they_ were suffering now, but he had no intention of letting that pain destroy them. Right now she was the one who needed help the most, and he was going to be that help. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn't break, and even if it was going to be hard he had no intention of giving up. He would bring her back.

Squeezing tightly his eyes a previous thought came to his mind, and he clung on to it. It was his purpose. It was his promise.

_One day at the time..._

**To Guestt:**

**I wish there was another way to write to you, but since you don't have an account this is the only thing that came to my mind. If you have a better idea to communicate, please let me know! So... I just wanted to say thank you again, you have been really amazing with your wonderful reviews! Thank you for making me notice my mistakes! Some of them are from typing, but others are entirely my fault. Since english is not my first language I didn't know some of the things you wrote me, like the one about Taliban. It was illuminating. Also since you have been always so nice in writing your opinion about my chapters, I wanted to answer to what you told me, hoping that it can be clarifying. This is only what I think, kinda how I pictured some of the things you were asking me about, so you can tell me if you agree or not :)**

**I'd start with ch.7 That was the most problematic one to write. When I started picture Kensi's return, I don't know why but it stuck with me the actual scene where Ziva comes home from Somalia. Even if the others had changed, Ziva was still wearing the clothes she had as a captive. So that's where I got the idea; also, I think she stayed in the hospital for not a very long time, otherwise they would have had time to bring her new clothes, and here's why Kensi didn't stay in the hospital so long. I don't know, my mind stuck on that scene and then twisted it in chapter seven. Another thing, and here's my mistake, I should have explained it better in the shower scene: apart from her treated foot and minor things, the majority of Kensi's injuries is old, already scarred. I should have clarified that better, my fault. Overall though, you're right. This is the weakest chapter I think and the one i struggled with the most, so thank you for making me notice a lot of stuff.**

**Thank you also for the language issues you pointed out in other chapters. It was really helpful! :)**

**Another thing I wanna talk about is what you asked me about Deeks' reaction to Kensi's confession on the plane. This is how I pictured it while writing it. First of all, Deeks was not questioning Kensi's strenght at all. He would never see her as weak. It didn't even cross his mind that she could have surrendered. His question to me comes from the fact that he is terrified. She has been away for so long and he has no idea what has been done to her, he can just imagine it. The fact that he has been tortured himself only makes it worse, because he knows what someone is capable of when it comes to inflicting pain. Now, til then she hasn't told him anything but he has proof that she has been tortured and his imagination is filling the blanks in the worst way. So now that she's talking to him about that, what I thought he was doing was trying to have a clearer picture without pressing her too much.**

**Also, about answering to her with a joke... I thought about it too in the beginning, but then I preferred skipping it. Because Deeks is Deeks, but now he's a different man. Believing she was dead had a big effect on him, and if you remember the second chapter, he is much colder and harsher. It's not only Kensi who has to recover, it's him too. Last thing: you said that he should know how she managed to survive because he has been tortured himself. He used her to stop the pain, but he doesn't know that she's done the same, at least until she tells him. When I think about Kensi and Deeks I see them as two persons who love each other deeply but they're not fully aware of it. I mean, Kensi knows she loves Deeks and Deeks knows she loves Kensi, but when it comes to the other person their certainty wavers. Kensi shouldn't have any doubts about Deeks' love for her because he has proved himself several times, but her trust issues makes her hold back. I think in her heart she knows how he feels, but she still has problems to completely let herself go. If you think about it, in the show we only saw her do that once, the night at the restaurant with him. With Deeks is even worse: he's fallen for her hard, but everytime he has tried to do something about it, he has received no response from her (i.e. she ran away after he kissed her), and in my mind this causes him to sometimes erroneusly have doubts about their 'thing' and causes also his problems with communication. So when I wrote that scene, I tried to think about all that, and I made Deeks ask that question because, to me, it doesn't come immediately to his mind that she might have used him to survive, just like she was surprised to hear his confession after Sidorov.**

**So, I try to report my line of reasoning the best I could... I hope this can be useful to you, and feel free to let me know what you think :) Thank you again for your help and support, I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story! Oh, and once again, if it comes to your mind a better way to communicate, please let me know! Thank you!**


	12. Chapter 12

**...Hi everybody. I want to say everybody because I'm hoping there is still someone following my story... All I can say is...**

**SORRY! Sorry, sorry sorry! It's been ages since my last update! I don't know what happened... I've been so busy, I mean _really _busy, dealing with stuff from university and with my IELTS exam, and on top of that, I developed the greatest case of writer's block ever! It was terrible... I would just stare at my computer screen for hours and type three or four words, only to delete them moments later. Seriously, it's been hell! I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am and I apologize deeply, because I know first hand how awful and frustrating it is when a story you're following suddenly stops being updated. To those who thought this had been abandoned, I reassure you. It has not. I've only been a terrible writer in this last period of time.**

**Anyway, I know it's late and I should have done this long ago but, hoping that you're not too mad at me, I'd like to thank all of you for your amazing support, support that this month I absolutely didn't deserve. You were even more wonderful than usual, and you made me arrive this close to the impossible goal of 100 reviews! It's still crazy to me that my little idea could become so huge, and it's all thanks to you! I will never stop repeating it! Thank you!**

**My gratitude is to everyone that is following or reviewing this story, but I have to give a special thanks to blue dogs rock, RuthWriter, XoxMountainGirlxoX and anonkp!**

**Now... I think it's enough with introductions and, after this absurdly long hiatus (still sorry about it), here's chapter 12.**

**Enjoy and review! (Please, even if you are mad...)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Kensi had no idea how long it had passed when she finally found the strength to move from her crouching position in the corner and get up from the bathroom floor. Yes, because her mind had just gone blank after she had somehow managed to overcome the feeling of shock and terror caused by that nightmare.

No, wrong word. It hadn't been a nightmare. She wished it could have been just that, just a figment of her imagination, something scary but definitely not real. But that hadn't been the case. Her 'nightmare' hadn't been just that: what her mind had shown to her had been terrifyingly real, because she had actually experienced the horrors she had seen. It hadn't been a nightmare. It had been a flashback. Memories had resurfaced in her sleep, to torture her when she was most vulnerable, and everything had replayed in her mind. Not just images but the voices, the smells too. The physical contact. Once she had escaped that mental prison and had woken up, those feelings had crept up to her all at once, causing sickness to rise in her, and emptying her stomach had been all she had been able to do.

The heaving had made things worse, and had not driven away but instead enhanced the feeling of disgust permeating her. A disgust so unbearable that she would have happily ripped her own skin off just to make it stop. After that, all energies had abandoned her. She had been reduced to a sniffling, trembling figure and, since she was too weak to even stand up, once the retching had finally stopped she had simply crawled to a corner and had curled up there, irrationally trying to find some sort of protection from her plaguing memories. She had stared blankly in front of her, focusing only on evening her breathing so to also slow her thumping heart, and it seemed an eternity had passed when the images, the voices, the feelings had finally stopped and her mind had emptied. After that she couldn't have remembered what had happened even if she'd wanted to: she had sunk in a state of numbness, physical and mental, that had caused her to disconnect from what was surrounding her and to shut out everything. She had remained aware of only one thing.

When she eventually started putting herself together and decided to get up from the floor, it was only because she had finally noticed the absence of such thing: Deeks' voice.

She had no idea of what he had said to her, but she knew that he'd been talking to her constantly since she had rushed into the bathroom: in the beginning, when her crisis was at its worst, she had heard him begging, pleading her to let him in and she had just prayed for him to stop, since his broken voice was doing nothing but adding anguish to her already upset state. Later on though, during her mental 'shut down', things had changed. Unable to focus on anything, she had registered his voice as mumbling, as a buzzing sound in the background, but that muffled sound had been helpful, a constant presence soothing her pained mind. Therefore, it was realizing it was missing that gave her the necessary input to get out of her trance.

The silence surrounding her suddenly felt louder than a thousand voices, and caused her to finally regain awareness: if everything was silent, it meant that Deeks was probably gone, and if he was gone, it meant that it had actually been a long time since she had been crouched there. She couldn't stay hidden in a bathroom forever. It was the last push she needed. So, taking a deep, ragged breath, using whatever strength she had left, she disentangled herself from her curled up position and finally got up.

The first thing that hit her was dizziness, so strong that it almost caused her to fall down again but, leaning against the wall she managed to stay on her feet. Once the worst passed, she realized that she needed something to help her clear her head so, taking a few tentative steps, she left her position in the corner and moved to the sink: she turned the mixer tap all the way to cold and splashed the freezing water on her face. The effect wasn't as immediate as she had hoped but, after repeating the action a few more times, she actually started to feel more and more focused and the lightheaded feeling slowly went away. She didn't even bother to dry her face, water made its way from her jaw down to her neck, spreading an enjoyable freshness over her body. She instinctively licked her lower lip and made contact with the few drops resting there: that simple action made her realize all at once how thirsty she was and how awful and intolerable the taste in her mouth was. Her hand reached rapidly for the toothbrush that Deeks had so smartly bought for her, and spent at least 15 minutes brushing incessantly her teeth. When she decided that the bad taste was gone and she could consider herself satisfied, she washed her face one last time and then closed the water. Only then she felt she had put herself together, but still that wasn't enough to give her the confidence necessary to lift her eyes and look at her reflection in the mirror. She had no desire to stare into a pair of hollow eyes and see only remnants of pain and terror. No. This way she could still try to maintain the control she had struggled so hard to regain.

She didn't know how, she found herself from standing still in front of the sink, to standing still in front of the door, frozen.

If staying another minute in that bathroom seemed unbearable, at the same time she was dreading to get out of there. Doing that would have meant leaving her 'shelter' and dealing with reality. The reality that she was a broken imitation of the woman she once used to be, someone so damaged that even a nightmare had the power to make her curl up in a ball and hide in a corner.

Getting out of that room would have meant having to face this. It would have meant... having to face him. And she didn't know if she was ready to stand the pain and the pity she was sure to find in his blue eyes. Deeks... What could he think of her now? That's exactly why she didn't want to accept his invite in the first place: he had witnessed her weakness and there was nothing she could ever do to change that.

All those painful thoughts collided in her head and she saw her hand on the door knob starting to tremble. For a moment she was almost on the verge on removing it and stepping away from the door, to go back to her corner, but something told her that it would have been useless and she would have felt the same torment even staying there. Closing her eyes briefly, she more than once inhaled deeply and, when she thought she had mustered enough courage, Kensi finally did the thing that was scaring her so much: she unlocked the door and got out.

The first thing that she noticed once she was back in the bedroom was how quiet it was, the squeaking from the door the loudest noise. Everything looked so peaceful, like nothing had happened, and the contrast with the turmoil from the previous events that had taken place there was almost startling to her. The other thing she realized was that the room wasn't so dark anymore. It was dimly illuminated by the orange light of dawn coming from the window. It would have been a beautiful sight, but the only thing that it was making her think of was that it was now morning, which meant that she had actually been hiding in that bathroom for hours, and embarrassment hit her.

Like she had predicted, Deeks was nowhere to be found. She waited another minute but she heard no sound coming from the house, and she came to the conclusion that he had probably left the apartment. At the thought that he had actually left her alone, an incredible sadness washed over her, but she immediately rubbed angrily her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat, telling herself to keep it together. Of course he was gone. For how long was she expecting him to stay there, talking to a closed door? He had held on way too long, it was perfectly normal that he'd grown tired of waiting.

The thought of taking her stuff and leave to go back to her apartment crossed her mind but she rapidly drove it away: Deeks had done so much for her, it would have been unfair to just run away. She at least owed him... a confrontation, an apology, something. So she stripped of her nightshirt and quickly wore the same hoodie and shorts she had borrowed from him the night before and headed for the living room, with the intention of waiting there for him to be back. As soon as she entered the room, she stopped in her tracks and almost gasped in surprise.

Deeks was there.

She had been wrong, he had never left. Instead he was sitting on the couch with his head tilted on the side, fast asleep. Staring at him, Kensi's eyes softened. She was such an idiot: once again she had wrongly doubted him and now she felt guilty for even thinking that he could have abandoned her. He'd probably just passed out when trying to keep up with her breakdown had become too exhausting. He had consumed all his energies in the attempt of helping her, and he was still there, for her. Why such a good man cared for her, she didn't know.

She was standing still, on the doorway, and she couldn't seem to take her eyes away from him. He looked so peaceful slumped there on the couch, and observing the way his chest was swelling with every even breath was almost having a calming effect on her. Her mind involuntarily took her back to the other night she had seen him like this.

_"It's a love story..."_ Her heart warmed up rethinking to those words and to what she had felt after he had whispered them. Right there, she wasn't even able to explain why, she felt a deep need to get closer to him, so she instinctively started moving towards the couch, but it took only two steps to interrupt the magic and serenity of the moment. While advancing in his direction, she didn't see the beer bottle in front of her, so she hit it in full force with her foot. When she realized what had happened it was too late and she wasn't able to stop it: the spinning bottle collided with a bunch of empty cans that were lying on the floor, knocking all of them over and making them clang all together.

She cursed her own clumsiness, because the sudden noise caused exactly what she was fearing: at that unexpected sound, Deeks' eyes snapped open and he sprang forward, trying to figure out what had awakened him. She didn't move a muscle, she just stayed there frozen, incapable of doing anything, and watched him shake his head to try and focus. It seemed ages had passed when he eventually looked in her direction, but when their eyes finally met she immediately wished he'd never woken up. Because when she saw the confusion in his eyes turn first into realization and then slowly into pain, she felt the guilt and shame for the whole situation rush back to her. The happiness of finding him there disappeared and all of a sudden the idea of going back to her hiding place seemed charming again.

Unable to move, to speak, to react in any way, she stayed still, waiting without even knowing for what... And after an eternal moment of just staring at each other, when the situation and the silence between them had become almost unbearable, it was Deeks who broke eye contact and made the first move.

"Mmm, shit..." He leaned back again against the couch and vigorously rubbed his face, trying to clear his head and drive away the sleepiness. He took a long breath before turning back to her, and when he did, Kensi saw how red his eyes were, the contrast with his ocean blue irises almost upsetting. "I sat down for... I don't know, I wanted to rest for just a few minutes before preparing a coffee, but it looks like I basically passed out...Sorry, I was... tired. That's it... just tired..." His voice was drowsy and very husky, so different from the bright, cheering tone she was used to. Everything about him in that moment was different: his voice, his posture, his look... he was the picture of a worn out man, and she was the reason for that. Seeing with her eyes the effects her previous behaviour had had on him only made her embarrassment and guilt grow more. She had to clear her throat to find the strength to address him, and even keeping her eyes him proved to be hard.

"Look, I'm... I'm sorry about... I'm really sorry. I had no intention of waking..." Deeks slowly shook his head and waved at her to stop talking. Then he rubbed his eyes once again and, putting his weight on his hands, he lifted himself up from the couch, his face showing how strenuous even that simple action had been.

"No, just... stop, ok? Sleeping is the last thing I care about right now..." He took a few, hesitant steps towards her and looked at her with an expression so suffering that she actually felt tears starting to form in her eyes. She needed no words to understand what he was referring to. His pained look was conveying everything he wanted to tell her. She hated herself when, after he lifted his hand to lightly touch her face, an involuntary shudder ran through her body. Because he noticed that. Just like she noticed the brief look of shock and sadness he tried to conceal. And that only made the already unbelievable tension between the two of them grow exponentially.

Deeks dropped his arm and exhaled, lowering his eyes for a moment, lost in his own thoughts, then he straightened up and turned towards the kitchen, mumbling something like "I'm really going to need that coffee now..." and leaving her there, still surrounded by the cans she had knocked over.

Once he left the room, she started struggling with what to do, whether staying there or following him. It was crazy how walking the few feet separating them could seem an impossible challenge in that moment. She eventually chose, tired of staying still like a dead fish, but she had probably been too slow in her decision, because she didn't have time to take three steps that Deeks was already back with two steaming mugs.

"Uhm... I didn't know if you wanted it too... You don't have to drink it if you don't want to." He said seeing her confused face. Then he placed her cup on the table and sat down. When Kensi saw that he wasn't drinking his coffee her heart started beating faster because she realized immediately what he wanted to do: he was waiting for her to sit next to him so that they could talk... He wanted to talk. And that was probably the thing that was scaring her the most right now.

She hesitated for a few seconds, biting her lip in anxiety, but in the end she realized that she really had no other choice so, clenching her fist, she took a breath and complied to his silent request. Looking at him seemed too hard, so she just focused on her hands and on the ruined cuticles around the fingernails. She could feel his eyes on her, but she wouldn't dare to turn, she had no idea how to handle the possible conversation.

For a while the only sound she heard was him sipping his coffee, but after minutes of silence she finally heard his voice. Faint, soft, almost a whisper.

"Kens... Kens, please look at me." With all her nervousness and fear, she realized that ignoring him after hearing him like this would have been impossible therefore, ever so slowly, she met his eyes, and seeing the concern and worry in them, it became clear to her just how hard this was for him too. He was simply stronger than her and was trying to deal with the situation. She didn't have that strength now, and she didn't know she was ever going to regain it again.

"You have no idea how scared I was... When I saw you lying there, like that I... uh... God, I don't even know how to say it. But now... How, how are you now?" How could she answer that question when even she didn't know the answer? All she knew was that she felt trapped in a vortex of pain and fear and disgust, invading every cell of her body and every part of her soul, but she couldn't say that to him. It would have only pushed him to ask more... So she tried to take a short cut to put an end to this distressing situation. She should have known that it wouldn't have worked with Deeks.

"You don't have to worry. I'm fi..."

"Don't even try it, alright?" He didn't even give her the time to finish, immediately understanding what she was trying to do. "Don't try to tell me that you are fine, because you cannot seriously expect me to buy it. I mean, I found you writhing and sobbing in your sleep... I listened to you retching and crying for hours, and then I heard nothing, which was even more terrifying, because I had no way of knowing how you were or what was going on..." Faced with the reality of how he had felt during those terrible hours because of her, even if in her heart she wanted to find the strength to deal with his pain just like he was dealing with hers, the realization of how difficult it was going to be made it impossible for Kensi to keep holding his stare. His words only made her clam up, and she turned to look blankly in front of her, tightly clenching her jaw.

"I don't want to press you in any way, believe me... All I'm asking is that you don't lie to me. Can you do just that?" For a moment he thought she hadn't heard him, because she had no reaction whatsoever to his words, but when he was about to speak again, he saw her nod, a movement so slight that he almost missed it. That gave him a hint of encouragement and pushed him to ask again.

"Ok, so... Again, how are you?" She swallowed heavily before answering. She was still not looking at him: focusing on the pattern made by the steam coming out of the cup seemed to make everything a bit easier.

"I'm... uh... I'm a little better than before. The previous hours were pretty... rough. But now I, I'm... it's... tolerable. Yeah, it's tolerable." Just like she was trying to stay as generic as possible, he was trying to get as many information as possible without resulting oppressive.

"The nightmare..." She winced at that word, so reductive compared to what she had really experienced. "The nightmare you had..."

"It was bad, yes." She said rapidly, hoping that could be satisfying enough to make him stop questioning her. But what she heard instead was exactly what she was dreading: the few words she was so scared of.

"Do you, uhm... do you wanna talk about it?" A shiver ran through her body and she closed her eyes, thinking to what he had just said, thinking to what he was asking her to talk about. She couldn't stop her own mind and for an instant she was dragged back to that hell, Crowe's voice as clear as day.

_"Oh, come on baby... With all your badass NCIS training, I thought you were a tough girl. Don't let me down. This should be a piece of cake for you, you're not even cuffed this time... I didn't tie you up for a reason. I told you, I want you to fight it, but you're not making it very funny for me... If you don't fight more I'm gonna have to start thinking that, deep down, you actually want this. But... since I'm a nice guy, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. So, I'm gonna tell you again, Kensi... Make it a challenge, make me work hard. Do you understand? Now that we're clear... show me the best you've got..."_

Kensi quickly snapped her eyes open, to avoid sinking again in that awful memory, and vigorously shook her head. No. Absolutely no. Talking about it wasn't an option.

With the corner of the eye she saw him stretch his hand towards hers, stopping just before touching her, the palm open, waiting for her to take the initiative. She was well aware that it was meant to be a comforting gesture, but she was too nervous and tense to appreciate it, so she couldn't bring herself to rest her hand in his.

When, probably after realizing she wasn't going to take his offer, she saw him close his palm into a loose fist, she finally dared to glance back at him, fearing to see disappointment written over his face. But when their eyes met, she found no trace of disappointment or bitterness at all. What she saw instead was sadness, concern, but most of all, understanding.

"Ok, Kens... I get it and I'm not gonna push you. But just let me remind you that I... I know what it's like to wake up in terror, feeling like the monsters from your dreams followed you into the real world. I know what it's like to experience something so terrible that even- even just mentioning it is unbearable and makes you suffer more..." He paused and swallowed, briefly diverting his eyes form hers, and she understood that he was trying to collect himself, showing that he was struggling with it too. She knew exactly what he was referring to. After Crowe, Sidorov was the person she hated the most on the planet. Thinking about the pain he had inflicted on Deeks was enough to make her go crazy. Her thoughts were interrupted when he started speaking again, putting her one more time at the center of the conversation.

"I know that we're different, that our... experiences... were different, but even if I cannot imagine what happened to you, in some ways, _maybe_, I can understand how you might feel right now. And, I don't know- because of that, talking to someone who can relate to you on some levels, it could be... helpful. I could be helpful."

His words left her with the odd need to start crying and laughing at the same time, and this was ironic on its own since she couldn't remember the last time she had actually laughed. He was so right, and yet so, so wrong: it was true that, after Sidorov, if there was a person that could understand her pain, that was definitely him, and he was the only one she could even just think to open up to in the future. But, simultaneously, he was the last person to whom she wanted to reveal what was tormenting her, and he would never be able to completely understand what she was going through, simply because he would have never found himself in her shoes. Had the situation been reversed, he would have never acted the way she had. Because he was a good person. And she wasn't.

Following her consideration, staring into his eyes became much harder and painful, and she lowered her head, picking a spot on the table and focusing solely on that. Every thought of having some sort of confrontation with him flew out of the window. Without even realizing it, she felt herself grow colder and more detached, and silence filled the room. It was only after he tentatively called her again that, always without looking at him, through clenched teeth, she answered with a whisper.

"Precisely because of what you said, because you are the one who... might understand, you should know why I don't want to talk about it." She heard him sigh deeply and then she sensed something that sounded terribly like a sniffle, but she didn't dare to look up. The possibility of turning towards him and finding tears in his eyes would have only contributed to tear her apart.

"I just... All I want is for you to be ok, and if..."

"Deeks." She interrupted him immediately. She knew she was being selfish, especially after all he'd done for her, but she needed him to stop. "This isn't like trying to convince me to eat more, or arguing about where I should sleep. It's not negotiable. I don't wanna talk about it. Since you said you understand, please respect it." Harsh. Brutal. Her words had come out exactly the way she didn't want them to, with the risk of hurting the one person who never deserved to be hurt. When she heard that faint 'ok', she was surprised by the contrast of the emotions she felt: a combination of relief, for being able to end this uncomfortable conversation, and regret, for forcing him to comply with her demands.

She knew she should have said something, that it was her turn to speak and face the situation they were in, but she couldn't even begin to think to something intelligent to say, something that could shake things up a bit. All she managed to do, and that alone seemed already a challenge, was to find the courage to look at him for the umpteenth time and, trying to convey everything she could in those two words, to whisper "thank you".

It was like someone had stabbed her in the heart when he was the one to divert his eyes from hers, and it got even worse when she realized that probably he had felt like this throughout this entire time. The following silence that fell between them felt distressing and interminable, and she found herself praying for something, anything, to put an end to it. She was surprised by what this thing revealed itself to be: a chuckle from him.

She was confused at the beginning, but when he chuckled again, it became clear that there was no trace of glee or humor in that weak laugh, and his voice did nothing but confirm what she was thinking.

"I don't..." He passed a hand through his hair, hesitating. "I don't really know where to go from here... I'm trying to think to what could be the best thing to do, but it's not working. I want you to feel... comfortable, so maybe what I should do is distract you. Given our previous experiences, it would make sense for me to try and lighten the mood, but right now I don't feel like saying stupid things and making silly jokes..."

"Then don't." He looked up, intrigued by the firmness of her voice. Kensi paused, opening and closing her mouth more than once, trying to find the right words to express what she wanted to say. "I don't need to be distracted, I don't want to... especially by you." Realizing how what she was saying might have sounded like to him, her voice softened.

"What I'm trying to say is... you don't need to worry about everything. You've already done so much for me, you're doing so much for me... Yes, I told you I don't want to talk about what happened last night but that, only that, is what has made me uncomfortable. Not you. You said you want me to feel comfortable. Well... right now, you're probably the one person on this planet I could even only remotely be close to comfortable with." Warmth spread inside her heart when she saw the sadness on his face being replaced by amazement, and his eyes for a moment brightened with light.

"I... I don't know what to say..." Deeks shook his head, like he was overwhelmed by what he had just heard. "You've no idea what your words mean to me, it's just... oh man... it's just I feel like I'm not doing enough." She raised her eyebrows at that.

"Seriously? You're doing everything. You've been taking care of me ever since we... got back. In Washington, with the clothes... Here, with my apartment. I wasn't in the right mind space to deal with that, and you've thought about things, details, that I wasn't even taking in consideration. And..." She stopped talking. She couldn't do otherwise, after she noticed his drastic change. In an instant, she had no idea why, he looked away from her and his face clouded over, leaving her confused.

"What is it?" She asked, wanting to know what exactly had happened to trouble him so suddenly. When he didn't answer, and instead still refused to make eye contact, sporting what seemed an embarrassed expression, she tried again. "Deeks? What's wrong?" He kept quiet once again but this time, after a brief moment of silence, he passed a hand on his face and, after exhaling really deeply, he finally looked up.

"I, uh..." Another deep breath. "I need to tell you something. Well, actually I was supposed to tell you earlier, but I didn't... I don't... know how. I mean, I know but... I'm afraid of how you might react to it... But I guess it's time now. I've waited enough." She stared at him interrogatively, concern slowly rising in her. She had no idea what he was talking about, so she gestured for him to go on.

He paused once again, swallowing repeatedly, trying to figure out the best way to say it. In the end, he decided for plain honesty.

"In Washington, while you were doing your... interview... with Vance, I-I called... I called your mother."

As soon as he blurted that out, Kensi froze. For a second she thought she had imagined it, but his face gave her confirmation that she had heard right, and in that instant she felt like her throat had constricted all at once. What left her mouth was nothing more than a whisper.

"What?" At her tone, he lowered his eyes, giving her one final proof. For a moment she didn't do anything, as her brain worked to process the information, but when realization hit her, a vortex of emotions invaded her and before she knew it, she had already sprung to her feet, unable to restrain herself.

"Why? Why the hell did you do that, Deeks?" He stood up too, and immediately tried to calm her down and to make her understand his reasons.

"Please... You were in there with Vance and you couldn't do it. You said it yourself, you weren't in the right mind space, so I thought..."

"You thought? What exactly did you think, uh? And... How dare you do this behind my back and wait till now to tell me?" He started moving towards her but stopped when he saw her take a step back.

"Kens, I know that you're upset but..."

"No. I don't think you can understand how upset I am..." She hissed between breaths. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe that he would do something like this. Now because of this she had a multitude of new things to worry about. And she couldn't think clearly either because she was upset and scared and angry. Angry at him for not telling her about this, but also angry at herself: she had been back for days now, and she hadn't given a single thought to her mother. What kind of person was she? And now that she was faced with this, she was feeling even worse, because even the thought of a confrontation with her was already stressing her out. Kensi stared into Deeks' clear eyes, so filled with regret and pain, but this time she was too shaken up to be affected by that.

"How could you?"

"Listen to me, ok? While you were having that meeting with the Director, Hetty came to me and told me, and I quote 'With all that's happened, we have forgotten about Ms Feldman'. When I realized what she was talking about, I tried to tell her that maybe it was better to wait for you, but she said that it would have only added to your distress, and at the same time that your mother needed to be informed. At that point, I told Hetty that I would call her, that it would have been better for her to know it from me. Kensi, I know it's a screwed up situation, but believe me. I was trying to do the best. I never wanted to hurt you..."

A voice in Kensi's brain was telling her to believe him, to see the good intentions behind all this, but any logic was being clouded by her feelings. If the previous anger was slowly fading away, it was now being replaced by a mixed sense of sadness, frustration and helplessness. Yes, maybe Deeks and Hetty had done it purely to help her, but this wasn't changing the truth behind their actions. The truth that they had acted without asking her, completely cutting her off, taking away from her any kind of choice. So now she had to deal again with that unbearable feeling: the feeling of not having any control over her life, of having the power to choose being stripped away from her. She wasn't angry at Deeks anymore, that had only been a shocked reaction, but even if in her heart she knew that he meant well, she was still hurt by what he had done.

"It should have been my decision." She whispered through clenched teeth. Deeks tentatively moved closer to her, but this time she didn't back away.

"I know... I'm- I'm so sorry. I never wanted to impose you something. I just... It seemed the right thing to do. Please forgive me..." At first she didn't say anything, she just looked straight at him. A part of her, the one still in shock and suffering, pondered over the idea of letting his guilt torment him, but she rapidly realized how wrong and cruel that would have been. In the end she understood that there was only one thing she had to do. So she looked down and, almost imperceptibly, she finally nodded, causing him to sigh in relief.

Kensi closed her eyes and rested her arms on the seatback of the chair, supporting her weight. Now that the anger was gone, she was feeling impossibly exhausted. The idea of what was to come was already wearing her out, but she had no way to avoid it. She took a few minutes to collect herself then, resigned by now, her voice always low, she addressed him. Since everything had already been organized, she might as well have information about it.

"So, how does this go? Our meeting... When will it take place?"

"Oh. No no, I... it's not... we didn't plan it." Kensi lifted her head and turned to look at him interrogatively. She was confused now, but he rushed to give her an explanation.

"I told you that Hetty wanted to be the one to call her. Well, she wanted to organize your reunion, but to me it wasn't a good idea, not after... you had been forced into that meeting with Vance. So I offered to call your mother and handle the situation a little differently." Kensi was glad that he had stopped Hetty from organizing the meeting: he was right, something like that would have only been more stressful. It would have been like Vance all over again. But still she was missing something.

"What happened, then?" She had now straightened up and was intensively staring at him.

"I called her, yes. I told her we had found you, and that we were back in the States, that we were in Washington, but I didn't tell her when we were coming back to LA." Deeks saw her frowning, not satisfied with his answer, so he went on explaining. "I didn't give her a date, so that you could choose when to meet her." At that, Kensi's brain started working a mile a minute, trying to figure out all she was hearing. She set aside the feeling of surprise and gratitude for what Deeks had just revealed to focus solely on trying to understand the things that weren't making any sense to her.

"But... But, I know my mother. She's stubborn as hell, she wouldn't have let you stop her. She would have taken the first flight to Washington..." She started growing more worried. "What did you tell her, Deeks? What exactly did you tell her?" Aware of her nervousness, he gestured for her to stay calm.

"She tried to protest indeed, but I told her that she couldn't come to Washington, that you were stuck with things related to the Agency. I threw some 'classified' here and there, basically I hid behind the old 'no comment'. She was very tenacious, but I promised that you would meet her as soon as we were back in Los Angeles, and in the end she complied, especially after I mentioned that you had to stay in hospital." This last comment made her freak out, and she started to panic at the idea of what information he might have shared with her mother.

"You- you told her about the hospital... What did you... I mean, what..."

"Hey, hey, relax... I just told her that you needed a check up. Nothing more, I swear. I was careful not to mention any... details." Her right hand instinctively went up to her left shoulder, scratching the area where her scar was. Scar that, just like other marks on her body, she didn't know why, sometimes would start itching and hurting again, no matter how old. She remembered having read somewhere in the past that it was psychological: a physical reaction to the mental distress coming from the memory of the original pain, but she couldn't imagine that it could be so awful.

"You don't have to worry about that, ok?" Deeks reaffirmed with a soft voice, having noticed what was going on. Kensi took a few deep breaths in the attempt of calming her nerves, and after a while, she finally felt her heartbeat slowing down. When she was sure she had pulled herself together, she nodded and mumbled a yes. For a moment, they just kept quiet, reveling in the temporary serenity. When the moment passed, though, Kensi felt her worries starting to creep up to her again, so she let out a whisper.

"Now what?"

"Nothing difficult. It's whatever you choose now." Said by him, it seemed so easy. Just a meeting with her mom, she should have been happy. But there were so many conflicting feelings related to it, that such a simple thing was becoming scary. Her mother's reaction, for example... Seeing how she had changed, would she have been surprised, upset or, in the worst case, repulsed? This was bad enough, without even adding the fact that she wasn't feeling worthy of seeing her again. She didn't feel she had the right.

"What if I... didn't want to see her? Or... what if I wanted to but I was worried about it, so worried that I would be ready to cancel every possible meeting? What should I do?" She exposed her problem to him with a small, unsteady voice, almost ashamed by what she was saying. On his part, Deeks thought to what to say for a second, and then answered, his voice just as soft as earlier.

"I don't want to tell you what to do, especially since I regret having taken a decision for you without consulting you. But, if you want my opinion... she's your mother. She grieved your... death... for more than eight months. She should have the right to hug her daughter after suffering for so long. I think it would be good for her... and for you too."

He paused, giving time to his words to fully sink in. "Anyway... this is only what I think. As I said, it's your decision now. So... what do you want to do?"

Kensi reflected on what he had said for a long time, comparing the emotions his words had stirred in her to the fears that were holding her back. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples, trying to drive away any redundant thought from her mind, to focus on one single thing. What should she do? Something so simple was requiring so many of her energies, and she was feeling she was reaching breaking point. The moment she managed to empty her mind though, a sudden clarity came to her. When she opened her eyes it was obvious to her that there was only one thing that she could do, no matter how scary. Biting her lower lip in nervousness, she meditated on it a few more seconds but then, fighting off the last traces of reluctance, she stared at Deeks and, after taking one last breath, she finally answered.

"Ok. Call her."


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello guys, how are you? Sorry for updating so late this time too but summer, holidays and the rest made it quite difficult for me to post this sooner. I should warn you that, since school is about it start again, I'll probably won't be as good with my updates as I was in the beginning, but don't worry. I have big plans for this story, I'm not going anywhere.**

**Moving on... WOW! That's all I can say, really. Wow! 104 reviews! This story got past 100 reviews, it's impossible, I still have problems believing it myself. Thank you very much to everyone who read, followed, favorited, reviewed this. It's an amazing achievement for me, and it's all because of your work. Thank you again! One more thing, I definitely have to give a special thanks to blue dogs rock, kath46 and RuthWriter! You guys are amazing.**

**Now, here's lucky chapter 13**

**As usual... enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

"Hey, Kens?"

Kensi snapped out of her trance when she heard Deeks say her name, and she turned her head to look at him. He was staring at her with a concerned face.

"Have you changed your mind?" She frowned in confusion, not understanding why he was asking this question. They were there, why would she change her mind?

"Why?"

"Well... We've been sitting in this car for the last 25 minutes, and since we arrived you haven't said a single word..." That made her raise her eyebrows in surprise. 25 minutes. Wow... She hadn't realized that they'd been there for so long. It was like she had disconnected herself from everything right from the moment Deeks had parked the car and had turned off the engine. She had been too focused in staring at the house of her mother, right at the end of the street. From their position she could only see the entrance to what she remembered being her beautiful yard, but that had been enough to stir her concern once again and make her freeze for... 25 minutes apparently.

"Fern?" Deeks tried again.

"Yeah, no. I'm ok. It's just... I'm feeling nervous." She confessed to him after taking a deep breath and, hearing her hesitant tone, he smiled warmly and tried to reassure her.

"There's no need to be nervous, Kens. It will be fine. We talked about it yesterday, remember?" Yes, she remembered, but that wasn't very helpful. He made it look easy, but now, faced with the reality of their imminent reunion, all the talk, all the mental preparation seemed completely useless.

Later after their discussion, Deeks had called her mother to organize their meeting, and from the moment he had hung up the phone, telling her that it was all set, her worries had increased a thousand times. She had spent the entire day trying to imagine what seeing her mother again was going to be like, and in every scenario she had pictured something had always gone wrong. Deeks had tried to calm her the entire time, trying to show her that her fears were unfounded, but with little success. Especially because she hadn't told him the entire truth behind her nervousness. She hadn't told him that she thought she didn't deserve to see her family again, and she definitely hadn't told him the reason for that. Nobody knew that, not Hetty, not Vance. It wasn't in her file and yet it was her biggest and deepest scar. If Deeks had known about it, he wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to reassure her, to help her. Hell, he wouldn't have wanted to have anything to do with her. When she had started to think about that, Crowe's words had suddenly come back to her, like an incessant hum in her mind, together with the ting of that damn coin hitting the floor. To drive away those sounds she'd had to put her head under icing water, until her mind had cleared again.

So now, sitting a few meters away from the house, all these thoughts and feeling were threatening to resurface anew, to destabilize her more. Since she wanted to avoid panicking right before their meeting, she swallowed and turned to Deeks, hoping to find some sort of comfort. Or distraction at least.

"I thought it was going to be easier..." She whispered, smiling sadly. "But now that I'm here..." She stopped talking, not really knowing what she was trying to say, but he immediately stepped in.

"Look, I know this is really difficult for you... If it weren't, you wouldn't have asked me to tell your mother that you were asleep when I called her, so that you didn't have to talk to her..." Kensi lowered her head in embarrassment but he, ever so gently, placed a finger under her chin and tilted her head up, so that she was looking at him again. "Don't be ashamed about it. It's ok, it's perfectly normal to feel nervous. But what I want you to understand is that nothing can go wrong. She's your mother. She loves you unconditionally. I mean, she thought she lost you and, as you said, you're here now. Your reunion will be filled with nothing but joy. So relax and think simply to what I'm telling you, ok?" After a moment of hesitation, she timidly nodded.

In making that movement, she realized that his finger was still under her chin. He was touching her so lightly that she almost hadn't noticed it, but now that she was focusing on it, she could feel that it was slightly trembling, like he was under strain. The strain of trying really hard to keep from fully reaching for her face. She stared intensely at him, trying to figure out what she was actually feeling. A part of her didn't know how comfortable that would have been, but at the same time she felt that deep in her heart she was actually yearning for his touch.

She felt her heartbeat speeding up, and the air between them filled with tension. What was probably a few seconds seemed to last an eternity but then, mistakenly taking her silence as a sign of distress, he quickly removed his hand and looked away, by doing so interrupting whatever was happening between them.

The moments that followed were full of awkwardness and embarrassment, at least from her part, and after a while Deeks cleared his throat and started fidgeting with his hair. Believing that it meant nervousness or discomfort, that action only increased her worries, but then he addressed her unexpectedly.

"You know, you were right. There is actually one thing that could be terrible about you and your mother meeting again..." He paused, leaving her guessing in worry, but suddenly he looked back at her and she saw what could be nothing but a cheeky smile. "Another John Hughes marathon... I don't think anyone could survive something like that."

She stared at him in shock with her mouth open, like she couldn't believe she had just heard that, but then she felt herself losing control. Her facial muscles contracted and, before she knew it, she was smiling. No, she was chuckling. For real, a genuine chuckle filled with glee. She couldn't remember the last time it had happened and she was surprised by how good it felt. And it was all because of him.

"You're an idiot."

"Yup. But this idiot made you laugh..." Her chuckling calmed down and turned into a soft smile.

"True..." She said quietly. Her voice lowered even more, till it was a whisper. "Thanks, Deeks..." When she received a timid smile and the smallest nod as an answer, she thought that he didn't fully understand how much he was really helping her. That with nothing but an idiotic joke he had managed to achieve what she thought impossible in that situation: a moment of lightness and serenity. And she was incredibly grateful for that.

"It's gonna be fine..." He said again, going back to their original problem. He was right to do it, they could go around it only for so long, but this time, even if her anxiety was still there, she wasn't as terrified about it. It was an extremely little improvement from her previous state of mind, but it was better than nothing. She knew it wasn't going to get any better, so she might as well act now, before falling again in the darkness of her fears.

"I guess this is it..." She mumbled to herself, turning to stare at her mother's house. She let out a shaky breath and quickly set her eyes on Deeks again. "How do I look?" She asked directly.

After Deeks' phone call to her mother, one of the countless worries that had troubled her had been how her mother was going to react after seeing her. These months of captivity had inevitably changed her, not only in her soul, but physically as well, and she knew that witnessing this change would definitely have an effect on her mother, one of the people who knew her best. So, one of her main concerns, while thinking about their meeting, had been trying to find a way to hide it, or at least to mask it the best she could, acting on those elements she could modify.

She had taken 2 showers the day before and one more that morning. She had brushed her hair and had worked for an incredibly long time on trying to find a way to comb it. Time that was actually wasted since in the end she had realized that she couldn't have done anything to it but simply letting it down. She had gone through all the shirts that Deeks had brought her from her apartment, to find one that was covering enough so to avoid any chance whatsoever to show the marks on her body, but at the same time that could partially hide how thin she had become, and eventually she had chosen the one with blue and white checks. And finally, since Deeks had obviously no make up at home, the only thing she had done had been to splash freezing water on her face, hoping that it could have an invigorating effect. She had had no hopes of getting to resemble the old Kensi, but she had prayed that, even only partially, her efforts could help to improve her actual appearance.

But when she had looked at herself in the mirror one last time, before getting out of the apartment, she had realized that it had all been useless, because in her brilliant plan she had forgotten one very important thing: sleep. She hadn't slept at all during that night, closing her eyes only sporadically to take a brief nap, all this because of her fear of going through one more crisis. So the result had been that she was only more exhausted and tired and, judging by the look on Deeks' face when she had asked him that question, he could see that tiredness in her eyes very clearly.

"Please, be honest." She asked, not wanting him to lie to her only to take one of her worries away from her. He hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out the best thing to say, and after clearing his throat he gave his answer.

"Since you want honesty... You look a bit worn out." After that she wad ready to crawl back into her anxiety, but he hadn't finished yet. He tilted his head and spoke again, this time with a softer voice. "But for someone who was a prisoner of war for more than eight months... you look good, Kens." His eyes never left hers. He stared at her with impossible intensity, to make her understand that there was no trace of doubt or lie in what he had just said. It was that gaze that convinced her that he was being truthful. She glanced back to the house. She trusted Deeks, with all her heart. She knew he believed what he'd told her, but she also knew that it was only his opinion, and that opinion could be clouded by the fact that he cared about her. It was like an endless circle: she was getting rid of one of her concerns that another was already appearing.

Deeks had probably noticed that something was going on, because he called her again, and once she turned her head he used his gentle but firm words to reassure her, and calm her inner turmoil. "What you need to understand, is that none of this matters. Your mom won't care about the way you look. She will only care that her daughter is back with her. I've probably said it to you a million times, but you don't have to worry. Really. Nobody is forcing you to do anything here. You can handle this however you want." He paused before adding one last thing. "But if you think that this is too much, or you simply don't feel like doing it, that's ok too... You just tell me and I'll drive you wherever you want." He had said it without any condescension, with a voice so relaxed and confident that she was starting to believe that doing what he had suggested could really be ok. She actually thought about it. For no more than a minute, though, then she forcefully refused the idea. It made no sense running away now.

"No..." She shook her head and a long sigh left her mouth. "No... I'm ready."

Deeks kept quiet for one more moment, to give her one last chance to change her mind, she realized. But she didn't say anything, and he understood that she had made up her mind for good. Only then he nodded.

"Ok, then. Now... I know I've already asked you, but asking again cannot hurt anyone: do you need me to come with you?" She shook her head with decision. It was nice from him, but she wanted to do this alone. It was one of the few things she was sure about. "Alright. In that case, I'll come back later. When you're done, give me a call and I'll be here in minutes. Do you have the..." She took the cellphone out of her pocket before he could even finish his sentence. After she had told him that she wanted to go in alone, Deeks had offered to stay in the car and wait for her, but once again she had told him no. She didn't know how long it would take and she didn't want him to be stuck in a car, for an entire day maybe. So he had bought her a cellphone and had told her to use that to contact him.

"Ok. I think... yeah, I don't think I have anything else to add. If you think you are ready, I guess you should go. Just... Remember not to worry." Kensi closed her eyes. In the quietness of that moment, she could clearly hear the agitated thumping of her heart, and she focused on trying to steady it. She could go. She had to go. Nothing was stopping her but herself. Maybe Deeks was right, maybe it was true that there was nothing to worry about, but at the same time he didn't know all the reasons behind her anxiety. She chose to silence those thoughts for the moment, and when she did, she sensed with impressive clarity Deeks' breathing next to her, calm and reassuring. It was in that moment that she realized that she had to go now, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to move from there anymore. Once she was sure, she inhaled deeply and opened her eyes.

"Ok." She didn't say anything else and, every thought put aside, she got out of the car.

* * *

Julia Feldman got up from the couch and started walking back and forth in her living room, unable to stay seated for more than one minute. She was too nervous for that. Too nervous, too anxious, too excited. She checked her watch for the umpteenth time and let out a breath. 10.19... Agent Deeks had said they would be at her place by 10.15 AM, but it didn't matter if they were a few minutes late. Nothing mattered to her in that moment but one thing. One person. And yet, she didn't know why, her brain was making her feel nervous about things that were absolutely not important. But since waiting without doing anything was literally killing her, she chose to humor this fixation, even if it was to simply find a distraction.

She walked around her house once again, checking meticulously if everything was clean and in order. Then she moved to the kitchen and opened the fridge. She told herself that she'd done it because she was thirsty and needed a bottle of water. Opening it to see if there was enough food, when she had gone shopping the day before, was too silly to admit. While drinking the water, she saw the two cups of coffee she had prepared resting on the table: she touched one of them and the ceramic against her finger felt barely lukewarm. With a sigh, she took the two cups and threw the now cold coffee into the sink, thinking that she would have to make it again. The moment she thought that, she mentally slapped herself: she couldn't worry about a stupid cup of coffee, she had other things to think about. She walked to the bathroom and stared at the mirror in front of her.

She had tried to make things better: she had combed her hair and applied make up on her face. She could try and lie to herself by saying that she looked as good as in the past, but the mirror in front of her was telling another story. The mirror in front of her was harsh and merciless, and was a master at its job of showing the brutal, honest truth. And nobody could go through eight months of sorrow and suffering without them leaving a mark. A very deep mark. She couldn't stop herself from letting out a sad breath: she had always loved taking care of herself, of her body. But after the horrific news she had completely let herself go, and now there was little she could do to fix things. Even with make up on, she looked at least ten years older. She wanted to look good for... for her, so that she wouldn't have to worry about why her mother looked so worn out, and she felt she had failed.

Unable to withstand the sadness and the disappointment, she diverted her eyes from the mirror and rapidly walked out of there, to go back to the living room, choosing to focus her attention only on what was really important. And it was exactly this thought that made her worry. She checked her watch again and her nervousness reached a new high. 10.46... They were late. Too late. Her brain started working frantically: maybe they were stuck in traffic, maybe they had a commitment related to work, or maybe she had simply changed her mind and had decided she didn't want to see her. Then a terrifying idea started sneaking up to her. What if it wasn't real? What if she had just imagined everything? The more she thought about it the more she was convincing herself that it could be the case. Countless times she had dreamt of seeing her daughter again, alive and well, telling her that she was ok, and every time she had woken up in tears, because reality, after such a wonderful dream, was just unbearable. She felt a lump forming in her throat, as this cold fear started taking control over her. But it was exactly in that moment, when she was this close to losing hope, that Julia heard a knock.

It was soft, almost feeble, but she had heard it, she was sure about it. She didn't know what happened next: she was aware she was moving, but she had no control over her body, her legs were working on their own, focused on making her cross the living room so to arrive to their designated destination. And before she knew it, she was standing in front of her entrance door. Through the curtains, the shadow of a person was visible. She held her breath as the beating of her own heart resonated in her ears. Her shaking hand rested on the doorknob and she had to fight against the impulse to run away: a part of her mind was still telling her that it couldn't be true. But there was someone behind the door, and even with the risk of being devastated by the disappointment, she still wanted to hope. So she swallowed that lump in her throat and finally opened the door.

And there she was.

She thought she was ready for this, she had mentally prepared for this, and yet it took only one glance to the girl in front of her to make her almost faint. She had no idea how she managed to stay up, but even if she did, the shock was so big that she literally froze. She wanted to speak, to do something, but she was paralyzed. All she could do was stare into those eyes: so different one from the other and yet so harmonious together, so intense and unique, the eyes she knew every detail of and she had loved from the start. The most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. The eyes of her daughter.

Kensi was in front of her. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and all the emotions she had tried to suppress during eight months threatened to resurface. It was real this time, it couldn't be a dream. Her daughter was there, a little more than an arm away from her. She couldn't have described what she was feeling even if she'd wanted to, because she wasn't sure that words able to explain it had been invented. It was beyond happiness, excitement, sadness, joy. This was something entirely new, something she had never felt before.  
None of the two had moved or said anything yet, the stillness of the moment made it look almost like an illusion and Julia, in her upset condition, needed something real, tangible. So she took a few steps forward and extended a trembling hand until she touched Kensi's face. As soon as she felt the warm skin of her cheek under her fingers every doubt left simply shattered, and she found impossible to choke back a sob. It was only then that she found the strength to speak, but only because she had to say it. She needed to say it out loud.

"Kensi... Y-you... You're, you're here..." After being quiet for a few seconds, Kensi shook her head in what was the glimpse of a nod and answered with an even more feeble voice than her own, two words barely whispered.

"H-hi, mom." That was enough to make Julia lose that little bit of control she had left: suddenly that single touch, her hand on her face, wasn't enough anymore, she felt every cell of her body wanting more. Waiting even just one more second would have been impossible. She didn't even have to tell her body what to do, it was something she had dreamt of doing for eight months: she sprang forward and wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling her into a hug. When she felt her body pressing against hers, Julia was racked by sobs and the tears she didn't know had already filled her eyes started falling freely down her face. She cried without any restraint, letting finally go of all the pain that had been consuming her.

"My baby... Thank you, God. Thank you. Oh, my baby... My Kensi..." That was all she could say. She kept repeating that between sobs, and when she realized that Kensi was finally responding to her hug, she tightened her hold, pulling her even closer to her. She wanted to never let go: she wanted to stay like that for eternity, feeling her girl's breath against the skin of her neck, her beating heart against her chest. In that moment it was the most wonderful feeling she had ever experienced.

It took forever for her sobbing to die down and even when it did, she still held Kensi in her arms. She held her close to her in complete silence, without moving a muscle, and she felt like they were one, like she was complete again. It was only when she noticed the rigidity in Kensi's body that she understood it was time to let go. Nothing she'd ever done was harder than that: she literally had to force her body to complete the action, and it felt completely unnatural and almost painful, like she was ripping off one of her own limbs, but eventually she found the strength to do it. She blinked away the last tears left and let out a shaky breath. With eyes closed, she shook her head. She still couldn't believe it was real, after all this time. At that thought she immediately reopened her eyes and stared at Kensi: she didn't want to lose even a second of that magical moment. She extended her hands and took Kensi's in hers. As soon as she started talking emotions threatened to take over again, and she had to struggle not to let her voice crack.

"Every day. Every single day till this morning I prayed to God for a miracle. I prayed God to give me... to give me back my daughter. To let me hug her again. And it happened." The lump in her throat was coming back, but looking at the woman in front of her a huge smile also appeared on her face. "I still don't know how it's possible, but it happened. You're here. Oh, God. I missed you so much. You have no idea..." She paused, to put herself together, and just reveled in that moment of happiness. Then something happened. While she was talking, Kensi had kept her eyes down, meeting her stare only briefly. But a while after that, she finally looked up at her.

"I missed you too, mom. But I'm here now. I'm back." And she smiled.

That's when Julia noticed what was off: she had never seen Kensi smile in that way. Her lips had curved up but her eyes had stayed cold. No trace of happiness had reached them. The effect was startling. She remembered her daughter's smile, it was one of the most heartwarming things on the planet, but this was not it. This was something entirely different. And then she understood. The light in her eyes. The light that in the past would brighten her face with each smile was gone. And what was worse, nothing had replaced her. Looking into Kensi's eyes, all she could see was... emptiness.

She must have had written on her face everything she was thinking, because Kensi dropped her smile and looked at her interrogatively. As soon as she noticed the change in her daughter's expression, Julia shook her head, like she was dismissing an irrelevant thought and smiled while wiping away her tears, trying to be as convincing as possible, pretending she hadn't seen anything.

"God, I'm sorry. My feelings are threatening to get the best of me. What do you say if we go in and take a seat? Would you like that?" Kensi simply nodded, and she gestured for her to move. "Oh. You go, please."

And after her encouragement, Kensi moved towards the door and got inside, passing right before her. Exactly what she wanted. What she had seen had almost shocked her and had left her with the need to understand the reason behind that radical change. So, to try and get her head around it, she decided to observe her daughter in a more objective way, trying for a moment to put aside the feelings that had probably clouded her sight. She rapidly closed the door and walked behind Kensi, trying to appear relaxed but at the same time focused on catching as many details as possible. Fear and worry slowly crept up to her when her plan started working and she began to notice things. What first struck her was her thinness: she was impossibly thin. She knew the shirt she was wearing. They had bought it during one of the seldom days of shopping spent together, and she remembered the way it perfectly fit her body. But now it hung loosely on her and seemed at least one size too big. She thought to when she had held her close and she realized that, somewhere in her mind, she had noticed that there was something wrong in that hug but, overwhelmed by emotions, she hadn't given it much thought at the moment.

Quietly watching her daughter, Julia also saw another alarming thing: it was very subtle, and Kensi was definitely trying to hide it, but she could see that she was limping, like it hurt to lean for too long on her left foot. She was hurt. A myriad of horrible thoughts passed through her mind, and with her eyes she frantically started looking for other sign of injuries. It was when Kensi turned and sat on the couch that she saw it. She stared at her face and a gasp almost left her mouth. The protruding of her cheekbones only confirmed her theory about her thinness, but that wasn't what upset her. How could she miss it? How did she not see it? Her lower lip was split open: there was a cut on the left side of it. It wasn't too big but it seemed pretty deep, and it was of an angry looking dark red. What first crossed her mind was how the hell could she not see it, but then other thoughts started filling her head. Terrifying thoughts. Because that cut could have been caused only by a sharp blow to the face.

She probably must have been staring at her daughter with too much intensity, because after a few seconds, Kensi diverted her eyes and nervously cleared her throat. That seemed to finally shake Julia up. The moment she realized that with her behaviour she was upsetting the girl in front of her, she immediately sat next to her on the couch and tried to put herself together. She didn't know how convincing she was, though, because it was extremely hard to pretend nothing was wrong when she had just had the confirmation that someone had hurt her daughter. However, no matter how disturbed she was, the last thing she wanted was for Kensi to feel uncomfortable. She wanted things to go as smoothly as possible after all those months of pain, so she rapidly worked on changing the subject to lighten the mood a bit.

"Sorry, honey. I'm so sorry. It's just that... It still feel so surreal to have you here, so close to me... I guess I'm just trying to convince myself that this is not a dream." She let out a soft breath and turned to look at her. For a moment Kensi didn't move, then she finally responded to her gaze, but it was clear for Julia that she was having problems in keeping her stare.

"Yeah, it's still... I feel like you, mom. Sometimes I still believe that I was never- uh... yes, it still feels like a dream." She said quietly. One more thing that made Julia think. It was so weird to hear Kensi like that: she had always sounded so strong, so confident, and now... she seemed exactly the opposite. Now that she was slightly more in control of her emotions, and was gradually regaining control over herself, she was noticing several things about her daughter that at first she had missed. And the framework that was slowly taking shape in front of her was worrying her a great deal. She still had no idea what had happened to Kensi.

"Oh, and... I'm sorry." She snapped out of her thoughts when Kensi started speaking again. "Sorry for taking so long to come here after... getting back. I know I should've..."

"No no no, stop." She rapidly interrupted her. "You have nothing to apologize, sweetheart. I mean, you were... y-you were gone. I thought I lost you, forever. And now you're here! I can..." She leaned forward and gently caressed her cheek with her thumb. "I can touch you again. My Kensi is sitting next to me... I don't care that I had to wait a few days. All that matters to me is that you're here. Alright, baby?"

At first Kensi kept quiet, like she was taking in each word she had said, but after a while she exhaled deeply and replied. "Alright."

And to Julia it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her chest. Because after answering, the brunette next to her also smiled. Timidly, a barely cracked smile, nothing more. But contrary to what had happened minutes ago, this time her eyes brightened and, even if only for a moment, she saw her daughter again. It didn't completely remove her worries about Kensi's condition, but seeing what seemed serenity and relief illuminate her eyes definitely helped tranquilizing her. Maybe she was too inclined to notice only positive details, but she didn't care. Thanks to that she was able to let out a relieved breath. Yes, her daughter was still there.

Aided by this newfound optimism, Julia went on talking, with more ease now that tension was slowly leaving her.

"Besides honey, if it hadn't been for Agent Deeks' stubbornness, I'd probably be still in the dark about all... this." Kensi looked at her with curiosity and slight confusion, so she went on explaining, and she couldn't prevent a small grin from appearing on her face. She found herself thinking about how crazy it was that something that only a few days ago had been painful and exhausting now could seem almost silly.

"When he first called me, I didn't answer, actually. I saw his name on the display and I... I just chose not to pick up. I guess... I didn't want to have to deal with anything, or anyone, that could make think about you. It was too..." Heartbreaking. She stopped before saying that. She had no intention of burdening Kensi with her pain too, but when she felt a hand lightly rest on hers, she realized that her daughter had noticed it anyways. So she swallowed and went back to smiling. She had chosen to be positive. She wouldn't cry now.

"However... He called me eleven times. Eleven. I was almost pissed off when I finally decided to answer, and I think... yeah, I think I might have also said not very elegant things to him. But I imagine I have to thank his persistence." At that Kensi lowered her eyes for a second, like she was lost in her own thoughts, but then her smile appeared again, even wider this time.

"Yeah. He is probably the most pigheaded man I've ever met. He can drive you crazy, you know?"

"I can't imagine..." Her sarcastic tone made both of them chuckle, and Julia's heart suddenly warmed up. It was beautiful to see Kensi slowly lightening up. The way their conversation was developing, it seemed like they had traveled back in time, and this was just one of their rare but always wonderful "girl talks", like nothing had changed in eight months. But she also knew that this had little to do with her: she had seen how her expression had changed when she had mentioned the blonde agent.

"You two are really close, aren't you?" She said quietly. At first she got a surprised look from Kensi, but then her eyes softened and she started tormenting the cuticles of her fingers, almost like she was embarrassed to talk about it.

"Yeah, I mean... I guess that we're sort of- uh..." She kept pausing mid-sentence, struggling with what she wanted to say. "Our relationship- I mean, partnership is... we're good friends but that's not..." She sighed heavily and Julia almost grinned at her daughter's difficulties at admitting what was really between her and her partner.

"Yeah, ok... I guess you can say we're close. I'm actually staying at his place now. It's... it's just for a few days but, uhm... He's really good to me. He has always been..."

"That's because he cares a lot about you..." Julia chose to stop there, she chose to restrain herself from saying what she really thought. Because she knew that the detective turned agent didn't just care about Kensi: it was clear as day that he was in love with her daughter. She had always suspected it but she'd had the proof of it the day he had showed up at her doorstep to give her the most devastating news of her life. She had never seen a more destroyed man, and she had only needed one glance, one glance at his tears-filled eyes, to realize that the unspeakable had happened to her girl. In her shock, despair, she had lashed out at him, taking her anger out on him. Hell, she had even slapped the poor guy. And yet he had stayed there, letting her give vent to her pain until she had turned into a sobbing mess. There, while she was still crying, he had held her close and had whispered repeatedly into her ear 'I'm sorry.' It was in that moment, hearing the sheer suffering in his broken voice, that she had realized that it wasn't just her heart that had been torn to pieces. If she had lost her daughter, he had just lost the woman he loved.

Julia was also aware that Kensi felt the same about him. She had never admitted it, but she knew. It had become more and more obvious as time passed that, even if it was to simply complain about one of her partner's annoying behaviours, her daughter couldn't just stop talking about him. Or that, when talking about how frustrating working with him was, her eyes would always shine, telling a whole other story. Yes, Julia knew that those two were made for each other, even if for some reason they still had to face what was really between them. But she also knew that, with all that happened, with all that was going on, probably Kensi wasn't in the right state of mind to discuss about her unresolved feelings for the blonde man, and she definitely wanted to avoid any possible causes for tension.

"I owe him everything." Kensi whispered after an incredibly long pause. They both knew what she was talking about, and what was really hidden behind those words, so Julia chose not to press her more.

After that, for a while silence fell between the two of them, but she didn't mind it at all: she just reveled in her baby's proximity, in the feeling of her touch, in simply looking at her, still trying to get her head around the fact that her _deceased _daughter was sitting next to her in her living room. Every time she started rationally thinking about it, she couldn't help but feel tears beginning to burn behind her eyes again. She knew it was a matter of seconds before she would fall into another crying fit, and she didn't want to ruin the nice situation that was developing because of an overly emotional reaction. She needed a moment to pull herself together.

"Oh baby... I don't know, maybe you already did, but I still need to have my morning coffee. Probably you already had one, but I know how caffeine addicted you are... You took from your father after all... Would you like to drink one with me?" Immediately after she blurted that out, using with little success her most normal voice, she stood up and went to the kitchen, without even giving Kensi time to reply. She used the time needed to prepare the drink to drive away those stupid tears and get a grip on herself, filling her brain only with positive and joyful thoughts. By the time she was back with two steaming cups, she had a smile on her face.

"Here you go, sweetheart. Careful, it's hot." She said while passing to Kensi one of the mugs and taking back her place next to her. She heard a mumbled 'thanks', after which Kensi fell quiet for a few minutes. She seemed lost in her thoughts and her mother couldn't help but think that, sitting hunched forwards like that, with her eyes staring into the distance, she looked unbelievably vulnerable. It was right after taking the first sip from her coffee, that Julia heard her speaking again.

"Mom?"

"Tell me, honey." Kensi swallowed hard and turned to look at her, but Julia could see from the embarrassment written on her face that even something so simple was requiring a huge effort from her part.

"I think... maybe we should stop avoiding the big elephant in the room. I mean- uhm... I just don't want things to get awkward between us..." She almost choked on her coffee when she heard that. Julia stared at her daughter in shock, taken aback by the sudden change of speech, so unexpected. She had thought Kensi wouldn't want to talk about... whatever she was about to tell her, she never expected her to bring up the matter so abruptly. "I know you want to ask me about... these months."

"Ok Kensi, look... I won't lie and tell you that I don't want to know. I've been dying to know what the hell happened to make you disappear for eight months, but what you need to understand is that, at the end of the day, all I care about is that you're here. What I really want now is for you to feel at ease, and if telling me is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, then I don't need to know." She had spoken from her heart, fervently, to make Kensi understand that she meant every word. She knew she had succeeded when she saw her daughter narrow her eyes, focused on considering what she had said. But in the end, she lifted her head and met her eyes again.

"I won't lie either, I won't tell you that is something pleasant to do... but I know that it would be more uncomfortable to just avoid it. I don't want tension between us because you feel like you need to weigh every word, fearing to say something 'inappropriate'. I'd rather we just... face it." It took Julia a moment to answer, she was just too astounded by how brave her daughter was. She still had no clue about the entire situation, but suddenly it became clear to her that if someone else, _anyone_, had been in Kensi's place, had gone through whatever she had gone through, they wouldn't have survived.

"Ok." She simply said, and Kensi nodded, exhaling heavily, like was mentally preparing for what she was about to say. All her previous thoughts about Kensi's appearance flooded back into her mind, and Julia realized that she was actually frightened. Frightened to know about the horrors her daughter had gone through. But it was unfair: she was only imagining it, Kensi had experienced it. She had no right to back away. So she straightened up and prepared herself.

"So..."Kensi said with a croaked voice. "I think I should start from what you know, but I really don't know what they told you..." Her mother stepped in, ready to help her.

"Well, it's not much actually... It was all very 'classified'. They told me you had been- killed in action while on a mission in Afghanistan, and that it had been impossible to retrieve your... uh... your body. That was all the information I received, until the surprising phone call from Agent Deeks, when he told me that you weren't dead. That you had been... held... in Afghanistan, and they had found you and brought you home." She received a weak nod from her daughter.

"Yes. Uhm... you know I can't reveal much about the mission, but I'll tell you what I can." Julia agreed, and Kensi, after clearing her throat, started recounting what had happened, finally giving answer to some of the questions that had been torturing her.

"I had a target in Afghanistan... a man... My team and I had been trying to find him for a long time, with no success. One day we were informed about a possible location, so I was sent there with another agent. But we were... basically everything went wrong." When Kensi paused to let out a sigh, Julia couldn't help but tense, knowing that it was probably going to get gradually worse from here.

"I don't know how they figured out that we were coming, but they knew. We were ambushed. The guy that was with me was shot in front of my eyes. I was alone, surrounded... and I was scared, mom. I thought I was going to die, and I didn't want to. At the time, I really didn't want to die..." Only the fear of the answer she would receive stopped Julia from asking what 'at the time' meant.

"Anyways, I knew I had virtually zero chance of getting out of there alive, but exactly because of that I knew I had to try everything... so, when I noticed what could be a possible way out, I wasted no time. And... thinking about it now... it's actually quite crazy that it worked. I hid in a trapdoor right before the Taliban could make the building explode with missiles. And that's how I survived the attack that should have killed me... Not very heroic, uh?"

Julia raised her eyebrows at the sad tone of Kensi. They had made a building literally collapse on her daughter, she had stayed alive, and she was worrying about heroism. She wanted to tell her that it was simply ridiculous to think about that, and that she should focus on that fact that she had survived, but somehow she knew that it wouldn't be of any help. So she kept quiet, and instead she directed to her daughter another burning question.

"So, since everything exploded, your team believed you were dead..." Her meek 'yes' was the confirmation that she needed, and suddenly she felt an insurmountable rage rising in her. "And that's it? They see a building explode and they immediately think that everyone's dead? They should have sent back up, they should have checked for survivors! They left you there without even making sure that you were actually..."

"Mom, it's ok. It's nobody's fault... They- they had no way of knowing that I was still alive. It would have been... impossible, for them to rescue me. No one is to blame for this. It just... uhm... it just happened." She couldn't believe that after experiencing something like this, her daughter wouldn't be angry about being left behind, but she had to take a deep breath and calm her nerves, because she didn't like the turn things were taking. She hated that Kensi felt the need to comfort her.

"Sorry, sweetie. I'm sorry for my reaction. Please, go on." Kensi nodded and continued with her story.

"As I told you, I came out of the attack basically unscathed but... my relief was short lived. I found myself stuck under debris, and that gave them time to find me. So I was captured... I was held captive for the entire time, by the man that I was supposed to eliminate... After a while I gave up hope... I had come to a point where I was sure- uh... that I would... die... there, alone. And then I saw Deeks' face." Kensi's eyes were dark and gloomy, but when she mentioned his name, Julia saw them soften for a moment. "He found me and took me out of there. He brought me back home." Kensi concluded.

Now Julia knew. And she felt no relief. Sure, it was better than not knowing anything about what had happened, but still she could draw no comfort from the knowledge that her daughter had spent the last eight months as a prisoner. Alone, scared, surrounded by terrorists. She thought to her conversation with Deeks, and to when he had mentioned that Kensi needed medical care. She started wondering if what he told her was true, that she was in hospital for a simple check up, or if there was more. All the strange things she had noticed about Kensi started making sense, and her chest tightened at the thought of what so many months of captivity could have done to her baby.

With a lump in her throat, she dared to ask the question that was tormenting her.

"What happened there, honey? W-what did they do to you?" Kensi sucked in a breath and for a moment hesitated. Her face clouded over even more, and she turned her head, to stare into the distance. Julia noticed the way she had tensed up, and she thought that maybe she had crossed the line. But unexpectedly, always without looking at her, Kensi released the sigh that she was holding and gave her an answer.

"They hurt me..." She whispered. Her eyes closed and Julia felt tears burning behind hers when she heard her daughter's voice breaking. "They... they tort- they t-tortured me. They did things to me that I... that I d-didn't believe were..."

Before she even knew what she was doing, Julia moved and threw her arms around Kensi, feeling the need to hold her daughter close to her. She didn't even try to stop the tears that were running freely down her face. It felt like someone had just stabbed her in the heart and was now twisting the knife. The pain she was feeling was unbelievable. It was much worse than anything she had ever imagined: she had been hurt, she was hurt. Her little girl had been tortured at the hands of monsters. For _eight_ months. Eight months of suffering. It was heart wrenching to even just think about it. How did she survive something like this? How didn't she go insane? And also, what she said was so vague. There were so many ways she could have been hurt, and her mind was making her picture each and everyone of them. One particularly hideous thought hit her, and she suddenly felt nauseous at the idea of her baby going through something like that. The fact that it was totally plausible for a captured woman to experience what she was thinking, was only making it worse. She was so horrified that for a second she thought about asking. She thought about asking Kensi if those men really had... if she had been... No. She couldn't even bring herself to think about it, let alone asking about it. She tried to force that awful thought out of her head and instead she tried, with little success unfortunately, to focus on the good things, on the fact that Kensi was hurt, but was still alive and had come home.

Her train of thoughts was interrupted when she suddenly became aware that Kensi had stiffened even more. When she was able to set aside her emotions and started reasoning again, Julia realized that, after the things she had just revealed, probably her daughter wasn't feeling too disposed to any sorts of physical contact. The moment it became clear in her mind that what was supposed to be a comforting gesture, was only causing her more distress, she immediately let go.

"I'm so so sorry. I'm..." She wanted to say something helpful, but she couldn't stop sobbing and she was all choked up.

"It's fine, mom... I'm back. It's all- it's all in the past. I'm..."

"No, don't do that." Julia cut her off. When she realized what Kensi was trying to do, she found her strength back and her sniffling stopped. "Don't tell me that you're ok, that everything is fine, and most of all don't you try to comfort me. It's you who went through... all this. It should be me comforting you. And yes, what you told me is terrible and agonizing to hear, but I can't accept that you put aside your pain because you think I can't handle it."

She spoke decisively, her firm tone the opposite to her daughter's flat, emotionless one. When even her words had no effect on the girl, who kept staring down with a look she couldn't read, Julia took a risk and brushed against her hand. And surprisingly, that seemed to work. Impossibly slowly, Kensi raised her head and met her eyes, and it was in that moment that Julia realized she couldn't allow herself to cry again, even if she wanted to with all her heart: she wanted to cry for her own pain, for the pain her baby had gone through, for the pain she was surely going through even now. But she chose she would do that in privacy. Now she needed to be the mother that can take care of any problem. She needed to be strong for Kensi.

"Honey, you have no idea how sorry I am that you had to experience something so horrible. I cannot imagine what it was like... I don't think I want to, but I'm your mother. I want you to be sure that you can tell me anything. Now, I know that it must... hurt, to talk about this. I'm sure that even revealing the little you told me must have been really, really hard. Probably you don't want to do it now, but if and when you think you're ready, I'm...uh... I just... I just want you to know that I'm here. You can tell me anything. Anything, Kensi." Her daughter let out a breath and a timid smile appeared on her face, but there was only sadness in her eyes._  
_

"Thank you, mom. For trying to be helpful, for trying to be understanding... You've all been so good to me..."

"All?" Kensi shrugged, like the answer to that was so obvious that she didn't need to say it out loud. "You mean Deeks, right?" She nodded slowly.

"He's really done a lot for me, ever since we got back. In Washington, here... he made sure I could rely on him. I don't deserve... this much." Kensi's words stirred a thought in Julia's mind and, since her daughter had generally told her about what had happened and now seemed to want to stop talking about her captivity, she followed this path and questioned her about something she had been meaning to ask for a while.

"Why did you have to go to Washington before coming here? It's something that I never completely understood." Like she had done before, Kensi hesitated before answering but this time, mixed with the sorrow that was already on her face, for a fraction of a second, her mother noticed what seemed anger spark in her eyes.

"I was summoned by the Director of NCIS. He wanted to know things about my time in Afghanistan, so he... organized a meeting. There's... not much to say about that day. As the head of the Agency, he had to do it. And in the end he reinstated me as an agent, so..." When she heard that, Julia suddenly frowned in confusion, and found herself staring at her daughter with her mouth half open. Had she just said what she thought she said?

"What- what do you mean with that? You want to go back to work?"

But what she really meant was 'you want to go back to your old job? the one that caused all this?'. And even if she had stopped herself from saying that, she realized she had still gone too far this time, when she saw Kensi's expression. The confused, worried, lost look on her face made Julia understand that she had asked a question Kensi wasn't remotely ready to answer to. A question she wasn't even ready to hear yet. She cursed her big mouth and her lack of patience, and immediately tried to change the subject, to make things better.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's too soon, and that was a dumb question. Please, pretend I never asked that. It's not even my business. Whatever you want to do, that's your choice, your decision, just... please don't worry about that now. Don't worry at all, ok? I just want you to be peaceful here. Let's focus on the good things. I know I'm repeating myself, but you're here! I thought someone had ripped away a part of myself, and instead you're home again! I'll never stop thanking God for bringing you back to me. Twice, even if I don't know what I did to deserve it. But I know that now that we're reunited, nothing will ever tear us apart."

And then it happened. Right after she said those words, Julia saw something pass on Kensi's face, something obscure, something she couldn't fully read. It seemed a mixture of shock, horror and sadness, but it had been so brief that she hadn't been able to put her finger on it. She looked as her daughter diverted her eyes and lowered her head. Her hair came to cover her face, obstructing Julia's visual, preventing her from seeing Kensi's expression.

For a few minutes, none of the two did or said anything. Julia was still definitely too surprised, and was trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. As time went by, though, she became more and more worried, and her curiosity was overcome by her concern for her daughter. She gave her a little more time, waiting for her to explain what had caused that sudden change, but since she still wasn't moving, Julia chose to try to intervene. She swallowed heavily, and was about to open her mouth, when Kensi suddenly lifted her head and turned to look at her.

And Julia was almost startled by what she saw. Because any trace of emotion had left her face. The fake smile she had noticed when they were on her doorstep was nothing compared to this. She had never seen Kensi with a look so blank, hollow, cold on her face. There was nothing in her eyes. Nothing.

Too shocked to do anything, Julia just stared at her daughter, but it took only a minute for her shock to double, because suddenly Kensi asked her a question, her voice as emotionless as her expression. And Julia could have never predicted what she asked.

"Where did you bury me?"

* * *

Kensi walked among the tombstones, replaying in her mind the entire reunion with her mother. After the first moments of complete nervousness, she had actually started finding herself more and more at ease, and she had even been able to talk minimally about her captivity. She had started to believe that maybe Deeks was right, and she had worried too much. But then her mother had said those words. And those words had ruined everything.

They had dragged her back to the worst day of her life, bringing back in her mind the only thing she couldn't handle thinking about without freaking out. To maintain an outward appearance of normality, so to not alarm her mother, the best she could do had been to retreat in herself and detach herself from any emotion. She had tried to keep things normal for her mother, but for her, after that, any trace of normalcy, serenity, was gone.

She had stayed at her mom's place for a few more hours, until her mother, who Kensi knew was not stupid and had probably noticed something was wrong despite her efforts, had asked her if she was tired and wanted to go. She had taken her offer and, to the older woman's surprise, she had asked the favour of being dropped off to the cemetery where her mother had said she had been buried. She could have asked Deeks, but she knew that he would have asked tons of questions and would have wanted to wait there for her. Instead her mother had simply looked at her with confusion, but then had complied to her request and when, once arrived to destination, Kensi had told her that she would be fine on her own, she hadn't protested and had left.

So now she was walking towards where her mother had told her grave was, and with every step she could feel her chest tighten more and more, as those words became louder in her head.

_"Now that we're reunited, nothing will ever tear us apart." _

Words that were meant to be comforting instead caused her only an indescribable pain, reminding her why she didn't deserve to see her family again. And, to her horror, as she kept walking she could hear those words slowly changing in her mind, turning into something very similar and yet extremely different. Her mother's soft tone turned into a dark, harsh, blaming one, and words spoken out of love became words spoken to hurt. In the end she stopped hearing her mother's voice, as it was replaced by Crowe's, his words cutting her from the inside.

_"I reunited them, and you tore them apart... It's your fault..."_

For the rest of the way, his voice was the only thing she was aware of, and only when she finally reached her destination, she snapped out of her trance and realized that she had tears in her eyes. She didn't even try to wipe them away this time, she knew it would be useless. Instead she closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath, in the attempt of emptying her mind, even if just for a moment.

She couldn't fully put a stop to it, but she managed to turn the hammering voice of her tormentor into a hum in the back of her head. She realized that that was the best she could do, so with resignation she accepted that infinitesimal measure of peace and opened her eyes. Then she just lowered her gaze and stared at the headstone that was in front of her.

KENSI MARIE BLYE

1982-2014

DEARLY LOVED DAUGHTER, SISTER, FRIEND

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS

FOREVER REMEMBERED

FOREVER MISSED

THE SUNSHINE IN OUR DARKEST DAYS

She didn't move a muscle for what seemed an eternity, as the whirlwind of emotions that hit her after seeing the words carved in the stone froze her in place.

She was staring at her grave, her own grave. But the only thing that seemed wrong to her about that was that she wasn't in it. She was still alive, and it was ripping her to pieces. With every breath, with every new beat of her heart, it was like feeling acid running under her skin. That's how disgusted she was of herself, looking at the headstone. She should have stayed in that hell for the rest of her life, she should have died there. She wasn't supposed to live. She didn't deserve to. That should have been her punishment for what she had done, instead she had been saved, and with her rescue she had lost any chance of atonement.

There was no win in her situation, because even if she was glad of having been taken away from her horrors, she was still feeling guilty for being happy about it.

Kensi re-read the words on the stone many times, and with each time the burning in her eyes and the pain in her heart intensified: the people who had written that loved her. They loved Kensi Blye. She had friends, a family, who would always remember and love her. And in that moment, Kensi's heart filled with sorrow, anger, and jealousy. Because she wanted to be that girl again, but she couldn't.

She wanted to go back to being the daughter, the friend, the partner. She wanted to be the person people had cried for when she had 'died'. She wanted to go back to being Deeks' sunshine, because she knew he was the one behind the last sentence. She wanted to be a girl who deserved to be loved. But that was impossible.

There was no coming back from what had happened in Afghanistan, no coming back from her sins.

Without even being conscious about what she was doing, Kensi crouched in front of the stone, than slowly turned and laid down on her back. From there, she just stared at the clear blue sky, so beautiful, so majestic, so indifferent to everything and everyone underneath it. Everything was still around her, there wasn't even a gentle breeze to brush her face. Lying there, with the feeling of fresh grass below her, she closed her eyes, and for a moment she pretended she was actually dead, thinking to how peaceful that would have been.

Thanks to her illusion of serenity, she started drifting away, and her mind brought her back to one of the seldom moments of peace she had experienced during her captivity, the smallest piece of heaven within her personal hell.

_"I'm happy..." Kensi opened her eyes to find herself staring into a pair of big, brown eyes. They were lying one in front of the other, it had become their habit to sleep like that. She was exhausted and sleepy, but those words stirred her curiosity and she frowned in confusion._

_"What do you mean?" She whispered, and after a long pause, she finally got her answer._

_"This... where we are... it's horrible, and scary and full of pain. But I'm not alone. You're with me, and it helps... You make me feel safe, thanks to you I have a little bit of peace and happiness everyday... My mother taught me to find the good in anything, and I know it would be much worse if you weren't here... So, I don't know if it's the same for you, but to me you're what's good in this place. That's why I'm happy..."_

_Kensi just couldn't move, nor speak. Not after those words, whispered too softly and timidly for their importance. She was just too shocked by what she had just heard. But after she overcame the surprise, the full meaning of the words hit her, and she felt her heart swell with happiness. A smile started growing on her face and, for the first time since she was there, her eyes filled with tears of joy._

Kensi opened her eyes and sat up, but it was too late. Her pain and guilt came back in full force to eat her alive, and silent, hot tears started running down her face. She rested her back against the headstone and she thought about how unfair it was. How unfair that she was still alive.

She looked up once again and wasn't able to choke back a sob. In her solitude, surrounded only by the dead, she let out one, broken whisper.

"It should have been me..."


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys, how are you? Thank you very much for your response to the last chapter. You're always the best, I never have doubts about it. So here I am, with a new chapter that was supposed to be only the first part of the chapter, but then I changed my mind. I realized that it would have been too long, so I chose to separate it from ch.15 What do you guys think? Do you like long chapters, or are they too complicated to follow? Please let me know in our reviews. Thank you again and also, special thanks to blue dogs rock, Katie and kath46.**

**So, here's chapter 14... Let me know your thoughts. It's so nice and rewarding when I can see how people react to the story, and what their thoughts and opinions are =)**

**Enjoy and review**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Deeks finished the paperwork for their last case and closed his laptop with a sigh. He had completed his duties in half the time it would usually take him, and now he was bored. Not that he wanted a dead marine or stolen nuclear weapons, but he had hoped that his first day back would be a little more eventful. Callen and Sam were sparring in the gym so, apart from a few random people walking around, he was alone in the office. He laid back and stared at the empty desk in the opposite corner of the room. Once he did that, his mind immediately went back to her, and to all the events of the last 12 days, starting from the moment he had seen her again for the first time, lying on the ground in a dark cell. It seemed only yesterday that he had rescued her from her captivity, and at the same time it felt like an eternity had passed.

He didn't want to think about that, though. He hated that every time he thought about Kensi, he could feel anxiety creeping up on him. That his happiness for having her back was always spoiled by his concern for what she had gone through, by the fact that he could clearly see that she wasn't ok, even if she was telling the contrary. And not having any chance to deal with his worries, since she didn't want to talk at all about Afghanistan, was only worsening things for him.

He fidgeted with his hair and got up from his chair, deciding that he needed a distraction. He thought about it for a few minutes, and then he decided that it could be a good idea to blow off some steam in the firing range. He headed to their weapon room to get himself a gun, but once he got there, he found a surprise inside the room: a surprise in the form of a short redhead with green eyes, hunched over a case full of knives.

"Nell?" When she heard his voice, she straightened up and turned, with a surprised look on her face.

"Deeks! Are you back? I knew that Hetty had given you a few days off..."

"Yeah, it's my first day." At that, a huge smile appeared on the analyst's face.

"I'm so glad to hear that. I missed you and your ridiculous drawl." The playful tone of the girl in front of him magically infected him, and despite all his worries, Deeks found himself smiling back at her.

"Always a nice word for everybody, right? Oh, it's really good to see you again, Velma. You managed to revive this boring morning. I had actually come here to fire a few rounds at a paper target, but spending time being mocked by you it's definitely a better alternative." She smirked at that and shrugged playfully.

"Well, then you're lucky that I was here to cheer you up. That's just one... of my many talents. Happy to be at your service." Deeks' smile only widened, but then her words made him think about something else, and he finally realized why he had been so surprised to see her.

"Hey, by the way... What are you doing down here? How come you're not upstairs, telling Eric what to do?" She lifted the file folder in her hands and briefly waved it in front of her.

"Like you said, it's kind of a slow morning. There was really nothing to do up in Ops, so Hetty came and asked me to make the inventory of the weapons."

After her answer, Deeks clouded over: he had been genuinely glad to find her there, and in his heart he had hoped it was just a happy coincidence, but this wasn't the case. The prospect of spending some time talking to his friend had immediately cheered him up, but she was busy. He couldn't divert her from work, especially if it was Hetty who had given her the assignment. He kept himself from letting out a heavy breath, not wanting Nell to see how disappointed he was, and just weakly nodded.

"Oh, ok... Sorry, I didn't realize you had things to do. We can catch up later, I'll just... yeah, I'll go." He had just started walking away, when she called him again.

"Hey, Deeks?" He turned around and, to his surprise, he found her staring at him with a smile on her face, shaking her head. "You looked like a wounded puppy, you know? Where are you even going?" He frowned, a little confused by her reply, but went on explaining what he thought was obvious.

"You have work to do. I don't wanna bother you..." Her only answer was to look up to the sky and sigh, not believing that he would worry about something so insignificant.

"Are you kidding me? It's not important. You said it yourself, there's not much to do, and it feels like ages since I've talked to you..." All Deeks wanted to do was agree, because he knew how good it felt to talk with Nell, how good of a listener she was, and he really needed someone to talk to, but at the same time he didn't want her to get in trouble because of him. So he still tried to protest.

"But Hetty..."

"Hetty allows me to handle things the way I prefer most of the time, because she knows that I'll do anything that she requires, and I'll do it better than anyone else. Now I want to spend some time talking to my friend. " She quickly put an end to his complain, and she spoke with a voice so firm that he found himself struggling to come up with a decent answer. But after she said that, she went on and, contrary to before, her eyes and voice softened.

"If you don't want to, that's a horse of a different color of course, but I feel like you might need a friend who listens to you... It's been a few rough days..." Her words made him smile inside. Pretty little Nell. Her kindness and her ability to brighten his day, or at least try as hard as she could, never ceased to amuse him. He passed a hand through his hair, considering her offer. She was right. The possibility of getting some of the things that were troubling him off his chest was really tempting, but on the other hand he feared that, once he started talking, he might not be able to stop. And on top of it all, he didn't want to give Nell a hard time with their boss.

"Look, until nothing more urgent comes up, we can stay here for as long as you want, even if it's for five minutes or five hours. And if you're really worried, you can still help me with this inventory later, so it'll take us half the time. What do you say?" She said as if she'd just read his mind, and the thought actually made him chuckle. He should have known he couldn't hide anything to a girl whose IQ was so high she was embarrassed to reveal it.

So, not having any more excuses, and not really having interest in finding others, Deeks gave in and nodded, receiving a quiet but gleeful 'Yay!' from the analyst. She dropped her folder on the case and hopped on the table in the middle of the room, waiting for him to come closer. He finally moved towards her and, with his arms folded, he leaned against the same table, so that they were one next to the other. He didn't know why, but he found almost funny the difference between their physique: her, so short that her feet would barely touch the ground, and him, so tall that standing his legs would out-top the edge of the table.

Nell didn't lose time, and he snapped out of his thoughts as she started recounting the events of the last days. He didn't know if she had mindlessly chosen to be the first to speak, or she had done it on purpose, to put him more at ease. Either way, he was glad she did. She talked about everything, even the most insignificant things: Eric's poor attempts at hiding his jealousy about a guy who had made a pass at her one night in a club, her improvements in shooting, the one time they had worked with the NSA on case of cyber-terrorism and in 22 minutes she had cracked a code that the best analysts of the other Agency hadn't even begun to figure out how to decipher.

Deeks listened to every word, smiling and making comments. As time passed he started relaxing more and more, and he mentally thanked Nell, for making him feel, if only for just a few minutes, like this was an ordinary day. Like every horrifying thing of the last eight months and a half had never happened.

But of course, he knew he couldn't escape his problems for too long, nor he wanted to.

He realized that Nell knew it too, when she finished talking and, after a brief pause, always keeping her tone as casual as possible, she merely said "What about you?"

When she said that, knowing fully what she was referring to, his smile faltered for a moment. Such a simple question required such a complex answer, and he genuinely didn't know where to start. He passed a hand on his face, meditating on what to say, but in the end he realized that there was no good or bad answer, just like there was no easy way to answer that. So he took a deep breath and, without giving too much thought to it, he simply started talking, trying his best to express how he was feeling.

"It's... I think you said it best, it's been a few rough days, Nell... I know I have no right to complain, but ever since we got back from Washington, I've done nothing but being constantly worried. And it's exhausting..." Now that they had started addressing the topic, there was no reason for her to walk on tiptoes, to go around the real matter, so she bluntly asked her next question.

"How is Kensi?"

Deeks looked down at his feet. How was Kensi? He didn't know what to say. When he had finally brought her back to LA, to their home, he had believed the worst had passed, and with time everything would go better. But now... now he wasn't so sure anymore.

"I honestly don't know what to answer. She seems... better, at times. But then... I don't know, something happens and everything degenerates." He immediately thought back to the first night she had spent at his place. Everything seemed to be going well, he had even managed to make her eat, and only hours later he had had to wake her from a nightmare that had left her so horrified that she had hidden into his bathroom and had refused to talk to him.

"It's only been a few days, Deeks." She quietly said to support him. "And she's making progress, I think, otherwise you wouldn't be here, right?"

He just shrugged. "Yes, she is. But then she isn't..." Without pushing him, Nell simply stared at him, patiently giving him the time he needed, and after a while he finally managed to carry on.

"She couldn't sleep on a bed when we first got back. Actually, she couldn't sleep on any soft surface... She never said it, but it's clear that it's because... because she had gotten used to sleep on the ground of the cell where I found her. Eight months chained to a floor... Can you imagine what it must have been like?" He whispered through his clenched teeth, not even expecting an answer to that. "However, she stayed at my place for a while... her house was a disaster zone, you know? And after a few tries, I managed to make her sleep on the couch. She's moved back to her home now, and when two days ago I went to visit her there, she told me that she had started trying to sleep on the bed."

"Ok, so she's improving."

"She overcame one problem, yes, but there's so much more and... I just wish I could know how to help her." He lowered his head, as the feeling of helplessness that had been consuming him all these days came back in full force, and he fell silent. A minute or two passed like this, until he heard Nell clear her throat. He turned back to her again, and was surprised to find hesitancy in her eyes. Only when she spoke, he realized why she was so reluctant to ask this question.

"Have you tried using your, uhm... what happened to you? Your experience?" He briefly closed his eyes, as flashbacks of what he had endured at the hands of Sidorov passed through his mind, and he unconsciously passed a hand on his jaw, remembering the pain from the drill piercing his teeth and gums like it happened yesterday. When he opened his eyes again, he couldn't look at his friend, so he simply stared in front of him, and told her why he hadn't done what she was suggesting.

"I've thought about it, but I've never done something concrete. The only time I tried, she shut me out, and frankly... I understand why. I mean, few hours are nothing compared to eight months." Deeks still hadn't found the courage to look back at Nell, but when she rested her small hand on his and lightly squeezed it, he timidly glanced back at the analyst, and he saw that hesitancy had left her eyes, to be replaced by empathy.

"Torture is torture, Deeks. I don't pretend I know or can imagine what it's like, but I'm sure that it doesn't matter for how long you experienced it. It still leaves a mark. Probably you're the person Kensi can better relate to right now." Her kind words, her way of supporting him without pitying him, all of a sudden warmed his heart, and in that moment he thanked God for having the little red-head as a friend.

"Plus, she helped you." Nell went on, seeing that her words were having an effect on the blonde agent. "She helped you heal, no... she's the reason you healed, and at the time, she hadn't undergone any of this. You have, on the other hand, and you can understand what she's going through. You have even more means to help her than she had." A small smile appeared on Deek's face, so touched he was by what she said and by her trust in him, but then he let out a breath and shook his head. At her confused look he explained why he thought she was wrong.

"Yeah, Kensi still hadn't been subjected to..." He clenched his teeth and had to force himself to go on. It was extremely hard for him to connect even only the word 'torture' to Kensi's name. "Subjected to torture, and yet she was able to help me. You're right on that. But she knew what I had been through, what Sidorov had done to me. Instead I... I know nothing about what happened in Afghanistan. I have no idea, and she won't talk to me about it. I really don't know where to start with helping her... I'm trying to do my best but from the little I know and from what I've seen, it's not working."

"What do you mean with 'from what you've seen'?" Deeks paused, meditating on what to do. Should he talk about this? He thought about it for a moment. These were personal details about Kensi, something only he knew or had witnessed, and maybe it wasn't right to share them without asking her first. On the other hand, he knew he was going crazy, keeping everything in. He really needed someone to open up to, and Nell was one of the most reserved people he knew. He could trust she would keep this between the two of them. He took some more time to think, but then he made up his mind, and chose to tell her at least some of what he had noticed about his partner.

"As I told you, before fixing what was wrong with her apartment, Kensi stayed at my place for a few days, and I couldn't help but notice a few things about her. Like that she has nightmares, really bad nightmares. And I'm scared to know what they're about. I know she was tortured because I've seen the..." While trying to talk about the marks on her feet and the scar on her shoulder, Deeks simply lost the words. He swallowed hard and went on, trying to ignore the horrific images of her being hurt that his own mind had created to torment him. "Whatever, I know there's a lot she's hiding... Eight months is an awful lot of time, Nell. You saw her in the hospital, when we were in Washington. You saw how destroyed she was. Well, it was only more evident to me. She seems... empty. Yeah, one or two times I've gotten a somewhat positive reaction from her, but apart from that, the only times I see her express emotions is when she seems scared, or shocked, or hurt. And, no matter how terrible the things I've noticed are, those on their own are not enough to have caused something like this."

He fell silent for a moment, and diverted his eyes from Nell's, a sick feeling creeping up on him as he started thinking to the worst of his theories. His voice died down to a whisper when he revealed what he had seen.

"One morning I accidentally stepped in the bathroom without knocking, and she was inside, dressing... I immediately walked out of there, but in that fraction of a second, I saw something. She already had her clothes on, but she was about to wear a hoodie over her shirt. I had noticed during these days that she tended to wear things with long sleeves, and I'd thought it was some sort of psychological thing, like she felt more protected or something. But that day I caught her before she could finish dressing, so for the first time, I saw her bare arms... And they were covered with bruises."

He sucked in a breath and a shudder ran down his spine as he thought back to that moment. "It wasn't simple bruising, Nell. They were... they were handprint shaped. Like someone had- held her down so hard to leave marks. Like she had been kept still while somebody..." His hand automatically went up to cover his mouth, as he couldn't bring himself to finish that sentence. How could he talk about Kensi, his sunshine, going through something like that and not break into tears? It was literally impossible. It was extremely hard to swallow down the lump in his throat, and when he started talking again, his voice was on the verge of cracking.

"I haven't asked her about it, I didn't find the courage. I keep hoping that my theories are all wrong, that it's just my mind making me think about the worst... alternative. But I don't know... Maybe I should just face her, try to make her open up. I know she didn't do that with me, and it's not fair for me to want this, but a burden like this... it could consume her. I seriously have no idea what to do..."

Deeks shook his head and sighed. Silence filled the room for what seemed an eternity, since he really didn't know how to go on, and Nell was still too upset by what she'd just heard. It took them a while to pull it together, but eventually he heard the smallest snivel and felt her lightly bump her shoulder against his, to draw his attention. So he looked at her, and he swore he could see her eyes glistening. Yet her voice never faltered.

"Deeks, Kensi has obviously been through a lot. She has probably seen more horrors in eight months than anyone should in their entire life. And if what you're thinking is true... _especially_ if what you're thinking is true, the last thing you need to do is pushing her. It would be of no help, and I believe you would get the exact opposite. You have to give her time. To process, to heal... The only thing you can do is be there for her. I know it sounds clichéd and it doesn't seem much, but I think you more than anyone can understand how important actually is to have a friend, a loved one to rely on." His mouth twitched and he almost had the impulse to smile: she was right. God, if she was right. He still remembered vividly how he had felt when Kensi had showed up on his doorstep with chinese food and a way too old cronut. How calmness had suddenly washed over him. How, with her mere presence, she had brought a ray of light in his darkest moment.

Nell's words shook him, but actually helped him a bit. That's why he'd felt the need to talk to somebody: thanks to her opinion he was analyzing the situation differently and, even if his emotions were still driving him and partially conditioning him, he now had the chance to take into account also a more objective point of view of the whole thing.

He stared at the analyst, and he found himself thinking that she had done the same for him: with her speech she was obviously referring to Kensi but, and she might not even realize it, it was also relevant to what she had done for him, on a different occasion. When he believed Kensi died, she had never pressed him, she had never insisted on him getting help to get through his 'loss', and yet she had always been there. Instead of suggesting the best way to deal with his pain, she he had allowed him to feel whatever he was feeling, never judging him or demanding from him more than he could give at the moment, and in the end he had opened up more with her than with anyone else who'd insisted on helping him.

"You're right... I know you're right. But it's so... hard. You know what I feel for her." He was well aware that almost everyone knew about his feelings for his partner, but Nell was the only one he had plainly confessed them to. "Every time she gives me a fake smile, or I see this hollow look on her face, my first instinct is to shake her and tell her to reveal what really happened in those months so that I can help her, but I can't do that. Then I want to be able to comfort her but, and it doesn't matter what she says, I know it's not working. I can't even... I can barely touch her because it makes her flinch."

This time Nell's response was almost immediate.

"First of all, don't say 'it doesn't matter what she says', because that's bullshit. If she's told you that whatever you're doing to comfort her is helping, then you need to believe her. You probably know her better than anyone else, yes, but you're not in her head. You cannot know what she's thinking. Maybe something that seems stupid or irrelevant to you, holds a great deal of importance to her. So don't underestimate yourself. Second of all... dude, it's normal that she is not comfortable with being touched. Think about it. Living with terrorists for so long will probably leave you reluctant to any contact. It's an understandable reaction. Probably I shouldn't ask this, but didn't you feel like that right after your ordeal with Sidorov?"

Deeks frowned, his lips pressed in a tight line. Yes, he did. He was so terrified of being touched that he had pushed him away the doctor who was trying to treat him, and had almost been sedated for it. Kensi's touch had never scared him, though. Instead it had had the smallest soothing effect on him, her hand on his arm keeping him anchored to what was still good and beautiful in his world, in a moment where everything was painful and dark. Anyways, he perfectly understood what the redhead genius meant.

He nodded. "And in fact, that's the thing I'm worried less about. I know it takes time for that, but I think there is... something else." That sparked Nell's curiosity, and she looked at him confused.

"She does things, acts in ways that don't have an explanation to me. Like eight days ago. I took her to visit her mother, and I told her to call me when she was ready to go home. So, I received a text message a few hours later, in which she asked me to come pick her up at the cemetery."

"What?" Nell, who until that moment had been quietly listening to everything he had to say, waiting for him to finish to speak in return, this time just couldn't help herself. She was too surprised. "The cemetery?"

"Yes. But this isn't even the weirdest part. When I got there, I found her sitting on the ground, with her back resting against her headstone. She was sitting on her grave." Memories of that day flashed back to him and, when he saw the shocked look on Nell's face, he realized that he had probably looked the same when he had spotted his partner on the grass. "She had her eyes closed, and was completely still. So still that for a moment I thought she was asleep. But when I got closer, I noticed that her lips were moving, and she was whispering something."

"What was it?" He took a deep breath before answering.

"I'm sorry..." Nell narrowed her eyebrows, not understanding why he was apologized, but suddenly she realized that she had gotten it all wrong. "She was saying 'I'm sorry'. Over and over again. She stopped only when I called her and she realized I was there. And she stopped saying anything else too... Not a word the entire trip home."

He passed a hand through his hair and directed a sad smile to the girl. "Well, you're the genius here Nell... If you could explain this to me, I would be eternally grateful."

"You don't know?" He just shook his head.

"She never told me why she went there, or what that 'I'm sorry' meant. I tried to bring up the topic once, after dinner, and she immediately told me to let go. I would have done that anyway, but she didn't even give me a chance, and left the room." He stopped there. He didn't tell his friend about the horrified look that had appeared on Kensi's face right before telling him that she didn't want to talk about that, nor did he tell her that a while later he had passed in front of the bathroom and through the closed door he had heard her throwing up, something she hadn't done since the night of that horrible nightmare.

His speculations were interrupted when he heard Nell talking to him. It was clear from her voice that this time, even she was shaken up.

"Look, I genuinely don't know how to explain what you just told me, I can't give you a reason why she did this, but I can tell you one thing: Kensi trusts you. She chose to call you when she was at the cemetery because she trusts you enough to expose you to at least a part of this... mystery. She probably doesn't feel ready to let you in on everything. Yet. She just needs time to cope, that's it..." And suddenly her tone changed to what seemed almost like a reprimand. "And you have to allow her to do it. You care about her, I know, but tormenting yourself over something she's not ready to tell you is useless, to her and to you. Seriously, it's not good for your health. You gotta think to yourself too. Dark circles around your eyes are not a good way to make your baby blues stand out."

Even with what they were talking about, even if what they were discussing was hard and painful to him, her smartass tone couldn't help but make him chuckle.

"Well, thank you Dr. Jones, for taking such good care of me and for being alway the wisest..."

"Hey, don't make fun of me. You don't know the struggles of being the smartest in the room." She said theatrically, playing along.

"Yeah, I bet it's a real challenge. Tell me, is it really that hard to deal with having an IQ of... 180?" She gleefully shook her head.

"Nope. Not 180."

"Ok, above or below?" She simply raised her eyebrows, and he realized how stupid his question actually was.

"Be honest. You refuse to say it because in reality it's not that high..." He challenged her, and she kept quiet for a moment or two, pretending to think about the answer.

"No. It's more like I don't want those around me to feel dumb." Then she patted on his shoulder as if she wanted to console him. "But don't worry, Deeks. Because everyone is special their own way..."

He gave in when he heard her mocking voice. It was impossible to resist, and he started laughing. She followed him a second later, and for a while, he forgot all his worries. Right there, even if just for a moment, he was a guy laughing with his friend, and he couldn't be happier about it. He couldn't be more grateful to Nell, for doing exactly what he hoped she would do: allowing him to let out some of what was concerning him, trying to advise him without being patronizing, and in the end making him feel like there was still a part of his old self inside of him.

When finally their laughters died down, Deeks looked at Nell with a soft smile on his face. "You truly are awesome, Nell."

He stared into her smart, lively, kind eyes, and he his mind went to a different pair of eyes. Darker, deeper, eyes that seemed capable to see him to the depth of his soul, and he prayed to God to be able to see them sparkle with life again. He needed that. Because even if he could have a few minutes of peace, he knew he would never be himself without her. He would never be complete without Kensi.

"She will be ok..." When he heard that, Deeks realized that probably Nell had seen all he was thinking written over his face. "She's the strongest of us, she has always been. And she's in good hands. Give her time... She came back from the dead, once you accomplish that, everything else is easy. You'll see, she'll get through this." He exhaled deeply, but then nodded to his friend, wanting to believe her words with all his heart.

"I really hope so, Nell..."

"I don't need to hope, I know it. With her help you recovered, with your help she'll recover... And if she were to get tired of your cheeky face, she has us. She has her family. Got it?" Her powerful words echoed in his mind, and he found himself almost surprised by how confident and powerful and strong this petite redhead could sound and appear. She had such an influence on him, that he started thinking he had been a fool to doubt her words, and that what she was saying could really happen. He heard her repeat her question a second time, but this time he snapped out of his thoughts and answered.

"Yeah, got it."

"Good." Nell nodded, satisfied, and then a thought hit her and she addressed the blonde next to her again.

"Hey, where is she right now?" He just shrugged.

"Home, I guess... I called her this morning, but she didn't pick up. She sent me a message a while later, telling me that she was fine and maybe we would meet here later. She has the thing with Hetty, you know?" Hetty had called two days earlier, asking Kensi if they could meet anytime soon, and after a moment of perplexity, she had chosen this day.

"Yeah, yeah, I remember. Hetty told me about their meeting, I'd just forgotten it was today."

"Any idea on why Hetty wanted this?" Deeks saw the moment of hesitation right before she shook her head, and he understood that they were thinking the exact same thing, only neither of them wanted to say it out loud.

For a few minutes a silence filled with tension descended upon them, they weren't even looking at each other, too lost in their own consideration. He got in contact with reality again when he heard a thud, and he lifted his eyes from the floor to see that Nell had caused it, hopping off the table.

"Maybe she just wants to ask her how she's doing. It could be..." She smiled, trying to think positively and especially to make him think positively. But even without her IQ, it was clear to him that she was just trying to find an excuse to what was probably the reality. So this time, the only smile she got in return was filled with concern and sadness.

"Yeah, maybe..." Nell bit her lips nervously, thinking on what was the best thing to do, until she realized that it was useless, so she took a different approach.

Deeks watched her take a few steps towards one of their cases and take something, then she turned and literally shoved her file folder in his hands.

"There, sadface. If you really want to keep that grim look on, then you might as well have a reason for it. Come on, help me complete this stupid inventory. Oh, and as a early reminder, when in a while you'll be begging for mercy and you'll be praying to do something else, because this is the most boring thing ever, you won't get to complain, because you agreed to help me, and I only thought about it because you were all gloomy and pessimistic."

That's where Nell Jones was magical: in realizing what people needed and doing the best to provide it to them. So here she was, not allowing him to sink in his sadness like a depressed, but making him react instead. Treating him normally and, most important thing, giving him something to do, something that could take his mind away from his worries.

He stared at her astounded for like a minute before he could even start moving, and after that he mouthed a 'thank you' he wasn't sure she heard, but that he'd needed to say. Then, following her cue, he got to work, cataloguing and registering every kind of weapon they had: guns, crossbows, knives. Nell was right. It was the most boring works in the world, but in that moment he didn't mind doing that. Thoughts about Kensi and Hetty and their meeting already filled his head, and focusing on this work was the only thing keeping them at bay. So he didn't mind that.

He didn't mind anything that could take him away from thinking about the likely reason behind that meeting. From thinking that, even if he had just gotten her back, he was probably about to lose his partner.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hi guys! I've got a new chapter for you. I'm starting university so I'll have to find a way to keep writing while studying anatomy and chemistry... Anyway, thank you as usual for your feedback. Special thanks to blue dogs rock, Katie and Guest, for actually reviewing my last chapter. 113 reviews, guys WOW! You think we can make it to 120 with this one? Well, I can dream :)**

**One more thing, there are parts in this ch. (flashbacks) that could be found disturbing by some of the readers. It's a bit more graphic than usual, **and a tough subject matter is implicitly discussed** so maybe I should give a M rating to this one. Read at your own discretion.**

**Alright, with that... Chapter 15!**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

The moment Kensi entered the OSP office, she was overwhelmed by memories. She wandered around, letting her mind take her back to all the things that had happened in that office. It seemed a lifetime ago, and yet she remembered everything so vividly. The good, the bad, the wonderful, the heartbreaking. That place had marked the beginning and the end of her life, the life of the Kensi everyone remembered and thought had come back from the dead.

When she thought she was alone in the world, there she had found a group of people that had made her feel part of a family. There she had met the first man after years that had allowed her to start trusting again. A man that had brought lightness and happiness in her life, a man that had made her want to commit to somebody again, even when they still were only partners. A man that had made her realize that she was still capable of loving.

There she had found all this. And there all this had been abruptly ripped away from her, one night, because of the decision of the woman she was about to meet. Decision that, moreover, still hadn't been explained to her.

Looking around, Kensi noticed that the office was surprisingly little crowded, and nobody from her old team was anywhere to be seen. She looked up to the upper story and saw that a few technicians and analysts had stopped in their tracks to stare at her. Even if she couldn't hear them, her ability to read lips allowed her to understand what they were saying, and it became clear to her that they were talking about her. Annoyed by what she had just noticed, and also a bit uncomfortable with it, she turned her back to them, and headed towards the bullpen, the place where the team worked and gathered. She stared at the two desks, then her eyes set on her old workspace, so unusually neat, and she almost smiled thinking that now she could finally answer Deeks' question about her desk's color. At the thought, she tilted her head and looked in the exact opposite direction. She remembered when in the beginning, right after he had joined the team, it had felt weird and slightly wrong to look up and see him sit where her old partner used to sit. But with time it had become normal, then it had become pleasurable, and then it had become a necessity. And in the end, it had become impossible to imagine a time when that place in the opposite corner to her seat didn't belong to Deeks.

She blinked repeatedly, to not get lost down memory lane, and once back to the present, she noticed the light brown bag that had been dropped on the desk. So Deeks was in the office, somewhere, she realized. He had called her, that morning, to ask her if she wanted to go with him, but she had refused. She knew he was only trying to be kind, but his offer had only contributed to make her feel weaker and more needy, like she couldn't do anything by herself. And she hated that. So, for probably the first time since she lived in Los Angeles, she had taken a bus, since she didn't trust herself enough with a car yet, and had arrived later than him. That was the only thing making her feel sorry though, because even if she didn't want to go with him, that didn't mean she didn't want to see him. Quite the contrary, actually, but she would have to settle for later.

After a few more moments standing in the bullpen, Kensi sighed and casually turned, but she froze when she saw the small woman standing in front of her. A woman that had arrived so silently that she hadn't heard her approaching. In the past, Kensi would have been startled by Hetty's ninja-like appearances, but now she didn't even react. She just stared at her, thinking that after what she had been through she had developed a new idea of what was scary and what was not.

The two women looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, until Hetty took a few steps towards her and finally addressed her.

"Hello, Kensi. It's good to see you."

"Hello, Hetty." After an awkward introduction, they both didn't say anything for a while. Externally, Hetty seemed like her old self, but Kensi could clearly see the hesitancy in her eyes before she eventually started speaking again.

"I'm glad you accepted to come with such short notice. Shall we move to my office? I have two cups of Mat-Cha Tsuki green tea waiting for us." She didn't even wait for Kensi to answer, and she moved, Kensi following her silently. Once in the more secluded area, her boss sat behind her desk and gestured for her to do the same. Like promised, two steaming cups were on the table but, unlike Hetty, she did no motion to take hers.

After one or two minutes spent just staring at each other, it was Hetty who made the first move, trying to break the ice.

"It seems these few days were healthy for you. You look better than the last time I saw you." One minute into this meeting and Kensi was already tired. She was exhausted of people that, even if it was obvious they had something else to discuss, chose to tiptoe, buying time with clichéd sentences, apparently trying to make her feel at ease. This was only causing her to feel the opposite of at ease. She just wanted to avoid all this silliness, so she decided to answer as bluntly as possible. Besides, the woman in front of her already knew almost everything about her time in captivity, so there was really no reason to sugar the pill.

"Well, considering that the last time you saw me I had experienced barely one day of freedom after more than eight months of interrogation and torture, and I had just completed a debrief during which I'd had to relive everything I'd been through, I think it's pretty normal that I look better now." For the first time in all the years she'd known Hetty, Kensi saw what was a look of shock on her face. She clearly did not expect her to answer like that: her boss seemed frozen in place after hearing her words, and she obviously had to struggle to pull herself together. She even had to clear her throat before speaking again.

"I'm sorry Ms. Blye, that was a foolish thing to say. What I meant is that I'm happy for whatever improvement you're experiencing." Kensi absently nodded.

"Yeah, I know... It's going better, I think."

"And it is wonderful to hear that." The older woman smiled, without realizing that she had just been lied to, or pretending she hadn't noticed it. Kensi wasn't sure about that.

A little more relaxed than before, Hetty started drinking her tea again, but it was only when she finished almost half of it, that she became aware that Kensi hadn't even touched hers yet.

"You should drink your tea, my dear." She encouraged her, and Kensi's eyes fell on the cup in front of her. The scent coming from it was actually pretty good. "This special mixture is marvelous. One sip and you can already feel its benefits. Trust me, it gives you immediate relief."

And suddenly, Kensi wasn't interested in japanese green tea anymore. She was now thinking about another day, when similar words had been said to her, under completely different circumstances.

_"Here, sweetheart. Take this, it should give you a bit of relief..."_

_Kensi had trouble concentrating. She was so slick with sweat that her clothes had stuck to her skin, her muscles were involuntarily twitching, and her entire body felt like it was on fire. She had stopped trying to count after receiving the fourth shock, and now she felt so weak that, even if they had removed the cuffs that were keeping her bound to that metal bed frame, she was sure that she wouldn't be able to move from there. That's why, only when Crowe lifted her head and she saw the small bottle of water being held in front of her, she realized what he was talking about. _

_The moment her misty eyes spotted the bottle she started panting and instinctively tried to tilt her head towards it. Her mouth was parched, her lips cracked, and her throat felt like she had swallowed sandpaper. She had never felt so thirsty in her entire life and even the chance of taking a sip of water seemed heavenly._

_Crowe had just placed the bottle against her lips, and she could already savour the blissful feeling of water running down her throat, when he stopped all of a sudden._

_"Oh, wait! I forgot about it. We can't have you drinking right now." He straightened up and took away the bottle, depriving her of the thing she needed the most in that moment. "With all the electricity in your body, you'd fry at the first drop of water. Man, I should have thought about it before actually making you believe that you were getting to drink. My bad, sorry..." He said with a smug smile. She stared at him with unbelievable hatred, but when he started drinking from the same bottle that he had falsely offered her, Kensi just couldn't bear the sight: she let her head fall down against the framework and shut her eyes tightly for a few seconds, a single tear running down her temple to mix with the sweat in her hair. It was still a mystery to her how a human being could be so evil._

_"You know girl, I gotta give you credit." She opened her eyes when he started speaking again. "You've been here for four weeks now, and you're still not breaking. Nobody has ever gotten so far, you should be proud of yourself. And I'm proud of you too, really. But you need to realize that it's all pointless. You're only bringing pain upon yourself. All this can stop, you just have to talk to me." If her body wasn't already twitching, she would have shuddered when he lightly caressed her forearm with the back of his fingers. "I can make all this go away..."_

_She did her best to jerk her arm away from his touch. "Screw you, Crowe... possibly with that stupid bottle." Her voice was hoarse and it was painful even to utter those few words, but she also took pride in succeeding. _

_After her retort, she heard Crowe chuckle, a sound that with time she had come to loathe. _

_"See? That's why like you so much... I've never seen such tenacity in anyone. Of course, this means that I have to come up with new ways to interrogate you. I've never had to work so hard to break someone. _But between me and you, I couldn't be happier, Kensi..._" He came even closer to her, so close that his legs almost touched the bed frame, and she heard his voice come down to a whisper. A shiver of disgust passed through her after he said her name. "You are a masterpiece, and I... love... working on you..."_

_She frowned when she realized his breath had become heavier, and she noticed a change in his tone, sensing something that she couldn't fully understand. She tilted her head towards him, but one second after she did that, she immediately turned it back to stare at the ceiling, fighting the urge to vomit and wishing she had never noticed anything. Wishing she hadn't seen the bulge in his pants._

_Her hopes that all this had gone unnoticed to Crowe were crushed when he giggled and started taunting her. "Oh girl, you have to forgive me. I didn't want to upset you... I should have more control over myself, I know, but I just can't help it... This is the effect you have on me. Actually... you should be flattered..." Kensi clenched her jaw and did or said nothing, hoping that somehow she would become invisible and would be protected. The excitement in Crowe's voice was palpable, and she really feared where this was going. Four weeks of torture, and she had never felt so terrified. She struggled to suppress the instinct to flinch when he lightly cupped her face with one hand and made her look at him. "Didn't you hear what I said? What's the matter? Is our pretty little NCIS agent scared now? Are you thinking about what I could do to you?"_

_Common sense was telling her to keep quiet, to not challenge him, but with the fear she was experiencing, she could also feel an insurmountable anger growing inside of her. She knew he was a sadistic monster, and she knew she was completely at his mercy. He could do to her whatever he wanted, and she realized that being silent or replying wouldn't change a thing if he really wanted to carry out his threat. There was nothing she could do about that, but she sure as hell would show him that it would take much more than a threat to break Kensi Blye._

_"Actually..." Her voice was still croaked but she tried to steady it as best as she could. "I was thinking about how ridiculous and... pathetic it is that you need to tie up and hurt a woman to get a boner." The moment she said that she saw shock alter his features and his stupid smile finally faltered. _

_"What did you say?" It was her time to smirk now._

_"Yeah, I bet in a normal situation, with a real woman that's not under your control, you wouldn't even be able to get it up ..." He tightened the grip on her face._

_"Take it back, now!" He spat, not even trying to mask his rage, but Kensi didn't stop. She knew this would cost her later, but it was the first time she felt she had some sort of power, and it was too good._

_"Whoops, I hit a nerve, didn't I? Poor Travis' youth must have been lonely and awful... No wonder that your slaps with your right hand are so hard. You must have exercised it a lot during high school..." She didn't even had time to finish her sentence that he abruptly let go of her face and with a roar he hammered a fist down on her breast. The pain was so sudden and intense that she didn't even had the strength to scream. All she could do was gasp for air as she tried and failed to curl up in a ball, the cuffs keeping her stretched out on the bed frame._

_"You stupid bitch! You think you're better than me? I own you, I can do whatever I want with you. You're my toy, do you hear me? You're a fucking thing that I can use and break. And I will break you." Still fighting against the pain, and trying to clear the fog in her mind, Kensi saw him striding towards the big car battery that was attached to where she was tied through several cables._

_"Let's see if you laugh now..." She knew this would happen. The moment she had antagonized him she knew he would make her pay, and yet expecting it didn't help her in the least. When electricity started running through her body again, she arched from the table and screamed._

"Ms. Blye? Kensi, do you hear me?" Hetty's worried tone brought her back to reality.

"Uh, what?"

"Are you ok?" Her boss was looking at her with concern, and she wondered how long it had passed while she was lost in her memories. She nodded.

"I was simply... thinking about something. What were you asking me?"

"I was just talking about the tea..." Kensi briefly looked at the cup, and then just shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm not... I'm not thirsty right now. Look, Hetty... I don't wanna be disrespectful, but can we please stop talking about the tea and move on?" The short woman raised her eyebrows in surprise, but quickly put on her usual calm expression. She put her tea down and joined her hands on top of the desk.

"Alright... Well, why don't you tell me how you feel? How your return has been. I know Mr. Deeks has been very helpful..." Kensi clenched her jaw. That digressing again... Her memory had put her in a bad mood, and she was even less inclined to stand it, especially from her boss. Just like she couldn't stand to talk about Deeks to the one person that had basically sent her away from him.

"Yes, he's great. Listen, how long do we have to keep doing this? Is this some sort of psych eval?"

"...I'm just trying to have a conversation, Kensi."

"Come on, if just wanted to talk, you could have come at my place." In the past, she wouldn't have dared to answer to Hetty like this, but after everything she had been through, she just couldn't accept her cryptic ways.

"I didn't want to be intrusive." She almost laughed at that.

"Right, because ordering me out of the blue to come here to have a meeting is way more respectful..." At that, she saw the older woman's face harden.

"Ms Blye, I didn't order you to do anything. I just asked if we could meet, but this is not going how I wished at all. If we have to go on like this, then you can go whenever you want." Kensi sighed, and was about to get up from the chair, when she realized that, even if she didn't feel she was at fault, she had definitely treated her old boss way too rudely.

"Hetty..." She started with a low voice. "I am tired... and I have trouble sleeping, so probably I'm more hostile than usual. I know you're trying to be nice, but I don't need nice, especially from you."

"What do you need then?" Hetty asked, regaining her coolness.

"Frankness. I want you to get to the point. I'm here for a reason, I know that, so I'd like you to explain it to me. All this beating about the bush is... exhausting." They stared at each other with great intensity for a few moments, then Hetty slowly shook her head yes and complied to her request.

"Ok. If this is what you want, I'll agree." She took a deep breath and then carried on. "You are right Ms. Blye, you're here for a reason. I asked you to meet me today because we need to discuss something of extreme importance. We need to discuss... your job here, at NCIS."

Kensi knew this was coming. She had understood that it was all about this the moment she had received the phone call, but predicting it didn't make it any less shocking to hear those word coming out of Hetty's mouth, and it took her a few seconds before she could give any sort of reply.

"Wow..." She chuckled humorlessly. "I expected you'd say that, I had imagined it, but to actually hear you say it... well, that's upsetting to say the least." Her next words came out harshly. "You waited weeks before showing up at Deeks' apartment to talk about it. This time it's been what... 12 days?"

"You perfectly know this is a different situation. This isn't just about you. During the time we thought you were dead, Mr Deeks... changed." Kensi frowned when Hetty mentioned the blonde agent. She had noticed that something about him was different, but he had never said anything to her. "He retreated himself from others, he refused any new partner, he started losing himself, and all this slowly was starting to affect the entire unit." Kensi just stared at her with her mouth slightly open. She had no idea that all this had happened to Deeks.

"Now... You are back with us, Mr Deeks has you back, but he probably thinks that he also has his partner back." Something in Kensi's head clicked, as she finally started realizing where this was going.

"We both know that everything is much more complicated than that... Yes, he'll give you time. He will think that you need to go through a healing process, and he won't press you at all... But what if after all this, what if after everything, you realized that you don't want this job anymore? He would be destroyed." Kensi tried to reply, but her voice was less steady than she wanted, and her eyes were fixated on the desk. She felt like a kid during an exam at school.

"It's true... But Deeks is not an idiot, Hetty. And he went through it too. He could, uhm... he could understand."

"Ms Blye, you cannot compare your experiences. What happened to Mr Deeks was horrifying, but we know that it's nothing if we think about what you..."

"Don't you dare..." A hiss, nothing more. Low, quiet, and yet extremely threatening. That was her immediate response when she realized what the older woman was about to say. She looked up and stared directly into Hetty's eyes, never breaking eye contact. "Don't you dare talk about things you don't know. An most of all, don't you dare dismiss what he went through. Yes, he was... tortured for hours, and I for months but it doesn't change a thing. Trust me when I tell you that it takes much less than a few hours to bring someone down on their knees and beg for mercy, so don't underestimate him. And don't try to undervalue his courage and his strength. Ever." Hetty waited a moment before answering, and Kensi hoped that she understood that she was dead serious about this, and how important this was to her.

"It wasn't my intention, Ms Blye. I highly respect Mr Deeks, but you asked me to be frank. I waited so long with him, because I knew how much that ordeal had affected him. Psychologically, I mean: he was a cop, not an agent. He had never been prepared even to the idea of something like that, so I knew how fragile he was in that moment. But I also knew that there was a chance he could get over it and move on. With him, I knew that there was a chance things could come back to how they were. With you, I don't. If you make this team believe that you are coming back when you don't know if you want to, or if you do come back, but you're not ready, this team will fall apart. And I cannot let that happen."

She had asked for this. Hetty had done exactly what she wanted, but she wasn't relieved. She was devastated. Because she didn't know how to reply to what she had just heard. How could she protest about something that she was thinking too? She clenched her jaw and swallowed the lump in her throat, trying really hard to fight back the tears that were starting to burn behind her eyes. When she finally managed to say something, she realized with shame that her voice had lost all the strength from before, and was filled with sadness and resignation.

"What do you want me to say, Hetty?" She was looking down. She couldn't hold the stare of the woman in front of her while one more important thing in her life was about to be taken away from her. "What can I tell you, if I have no answer to everything you said? You're asking me what I want to do with my life, and right now I don't know what I'm going to do at the end of the day. So how can I tell you that I'm ready to get my job back?"

"Oh, Kensi..." Hetty's voice was more gentle now. "I'm not asking you if you're ready to come back." At that, Kensi slowly lifted her head, confused and curious at the same time. If it wasn't that, what did she want?

"What kind of person would I be, if I gave you an ultimatum so soon after your ordeal? No, I just want you to start meditating on it. Not on whether you feel ready to be an agent or not, but on whether this job still means something to you or not."

Kensi moved her eyes, to stare blankly into nothing, thinking to what Hetty had just told her. Could she tell the truth? Because the truth was that she didn't know: being an NCIS Agent had always been extremely important to her. She used to love her job, and she used to pride herself on it. She used to be proud about being part of an elité team, needed to solve the worst and most dangerous situations. Because of that job, she had solved her father's murder, she had gotten back in touch with her mother, and she had met Deeks. Her job meant so much to her in the past. But now, now she wasn't sure anymore. Because that same job had caused her to be sent to Afghanistan, had caused her to be captured, had caused her to find out what hell was like, and then had caused her to lose her soul. So, even if she arrived to a point where she could actually go back being an agent, could she actually want to do it?

"I don't know, Hetty..." She asked frankness, she would answer with frankness. "Right now, I don't know. What happened to me was because of this job, so I feel... I, uh-" She paused for a moment, not really knowing how to explain what she wanted to say. "Well, I think you got what I mean. It cost me... a lot. But this job is also a part of me, and losing it... I've already lost too much..." She sighed, realizing how conflicted she actually was. When she finally find the strength to look at the older woman again, she basically begged her with her eyes.

"I can't think about it now. You're right, and I don't want to hurt the team, but I just can't... I'm not trying to escape it, it's just... I need time. Can you give me time, Hetty? I got it. It's something that I need to face, and I will. All I'm asking is time to do it."

Silence fell into the room, a silence so intense that it was almost deafening, and for a moment it felt like everything around them had disappeared. An infinite moment during which Kensi forgot to breathe, but eventually, she saw the slow nod of her boss, and was able to exhale.

"I will give you time. All the time you need. Just promise me that when you come to me, you will be sure about your decision, whatever it will be." Kensi nodded in turn, relieved, and when she did it, she noticed a small smile appear on Hetty's face. A smile both happy and sad.

"You're strong, Kensi. I've always known it, but it doesn't stop me from being astonished by your strength. Especially with everything that was done to you..." Hetty said it softly, gently, but Kensi shifted in her seat like someone had just yelled at her. She had just gotten herself out of a delicate topic, she didn't want to talk about something even more uncomfortable. Why was there nothing easy for her?

"I've seen a lot of things in my life, horrible things..." The older woman went on, causing her to harden and descend again into the pit of distress. "But it's nothing compared to what you endured. I still don't understand how you survived. All those atrocities, no medical treatment, and..."

Kensi chuckled involuntarily, causing Hetty to stop talking to look at her in confusion. There was nothing funny about what she had just said, and in fact there was no glee in her small laugh, but it had been an impulsive reaction to the woman's unexpected naivety.

"Oh, but I had medical treatment." Hetty frowned even more, and Kensi's eyes darkened, remembering events she just wanted to erase from her mind. "And what a treatment it was..."

_Pain. Pain everywhere. Pain surrounding her, consuming her. That was the only thing Kensi was aware of as she was being dragged through the hallway. Everything else was distant, fuzzy. Pain was the only permanent feature: pushing her towards unconsciousness and at the same time preventing her from passing out. __She tried lifting her head to see where Dawar and the other man holding her by her arms were taking her, but her effort lasted less than a second, and she let her head fall against her chest again. She was so weak that she couldn't even stand, so she was just being dragged along by force, the back of her feet scratching against the floor. _

_They stopped for a moment and Crowe, who had been following the entire time, opened the door in front of them, and they entered the room. Once inside, the two men holding her simply let go, and without the necessary strength to hold herself up, she collapsed on the ground. She heard them laugh at her: previously she would have been enraged by their mockery, but now she just didn't care._

_She was about to lose consciousness, when Crowe grabbed her from the hair and forced her on her knees. The pain in her scalp was intense, but only a whimper left her mouth: screaming required too much energy. Her eyes were barely opened, the lids impossibly heavy, but when a new man came to stand in her eyesight, she blinked repeatedly, trying to focus and see who was standing in front of her. _

_It was a short man, slender, probably in his fifties, with a round head, almost all of his hair was gone. He had a grey stubble and behind a pair of glasses she could see two light brown eyes staring intensely at her. He observed her, studied her in silence for about a minute, then he looked up to Crowe, that was still behind her, holding her up, with what to Kensi seemed an expression of displeasure._

_"What happened?" She swore she could actually hear Crowe smirking, when he answered._

_"She's not feeling too good, and I'd like you to fix her, Doc."_

_"Yes, I can see that she is not to good. But why is that? What did you do to her this time?" Crowe grunted, in a dismissive way._

_"Nothing, really... The usual. Nothing that she hadn't already tried during these three months... Wow. Hey girl! Can you believe it's already been three months?" He tightened his grip in her hair and shook her a bit, trying and failing to get her to react._

_"Leave her alone, you have already done enough damage." Then he crouched in front of her, to take a better look at her conditions. When he did that, he noticed that she was following his moves with her eyes. "Well, at least this time she is conscious. But she is in really bad shape."_

_"Can you heal her? I don't want her to die." She was horrified by hearing the genuine concern in his voice. Concern of losing the chance to hurt her even more._

_"I have to understand what is wrong with her first." He started examining her, touching her forehead, listening to her pulse, all this while she knelt there, not moving, like a rag doll. _

_"Mmmm. Her heart rate is elevated, she has a fever and she has cold sweat." He straightened up and thought about it for a minute, then he addressed Crowe again. "Does she have cuts, open injuries?" He chuckled._

_"Uhm, I think so, yeah. Dawar took care of her during the last days."_

_"Show me." __At that Crowe let go of her hair and circled her till he was in front of her. He leaned down an started unbuttoning her black shirt, until he suddenly grew annoyed._

_"Ah, screw it. I'll find you a new one, baby." And he violently tore the fabric, before completely ripping the shirt off of her. The cloth had stuck to the wounds on her back, so when he removed it, sheer pain passed through her, causing her to let out a hiss. She didn't move, though. She didn't even try to cover herself up, it was pointless. In the past, she would have fought like hell against such a violation, but now she just couldn't do it. Even though she was disgusted by the thought of being exposed to the lustful looks of these men, she didn't have the strength to react. And they knew it. That's why she wasn't tied up._

_The doctor moved to examine her back, and when he saw it, he let out a curse in his native language._

_"What is this?!" Crowe approached him to see what he was talking about and when he finally did, his face contracted into a grimace of revulsion. He knew all the injuries on her back, except two new big, deep, cuts. One was bleeding dark red blood, while the other was almost black in the middle, while flaming red and swollen all around the actual cut._

_"Yikes. Looks like Dawar put a little too much enthusiasm in using the whip..."_

_"Enthusiasm? This one is badly inflamed and this one is losing too much blood. I need to treat her now if you want me to save her." Kensi then heard him shout angrily at Dawar to get out of the room. Once he left, she was lifted up by Crowe and the other man and, following the doctor's instructions, they laid her down on her stomach on an operation table in the middle of the room._

_"Dawar is an idiot. Because of him, now I have to use one dose of antibiotics on her and one local anesthetic to stitch the other cut. We are running short of them, and he's forcing me to waste one of them. Now you need to leave, I have to take care of her." _

_Kensi almost sighed in relief when she heard that Crowe was leaving, but before exiting the room, he stopped for a moment to add something, and she cringed at his words._

_"Thanks, Doc. I owe you one. Oh, and you're right about the supplies. So, about the anesthetic... don't bother using it. We might need it for something more important, there's no need to waste it on her... Alright, bye! See you later, girl..."_

_After he was gone, silence filled the room. She was exhausted, and Crowe's vague threat was terrorizing her. She couldn't bear the thought of one more day, one more minute in his hands. She wanted to die._

_So, when the doctor placed his tools on a cart near the table where she was lying and shot her with antibiotics, before he had the chance to turn back, she extended her arm and grabbed his hand._

_"Please... Help me." As she started begging him, her voice cracked and tears fell down her face. She let herself be consumed by her pain and anguish. "P-Please, kill me... I'm begging you. I ca- I can't do this anymore. You can help me... help me d-die. Y-You're not like them, you can do good. Please, please help me die..."_

_He stared at her with an expression she couldn't read, and for what seemed like ages he didn't do anything. Then he slowly placed his free hand on top of hers, in what seemed like a soothing gesture, and for a second she believed he would actually help her. For a second, though, because suddenly he tightened his grip and forcefully yanked her hand away. Hope left her when she saw the look of disgust on his face._

_"Don't you ever try to touch me again." He came closer to the table, Kensi not realizing what he was doing, and then he placed his arm against her back and pressed one finger inside her inflamed wound. She immediately arched her back, a scream stuck in her throat, to instinctively try to escape the excruciating pain. "You are right, I am not like them. I would have cut your head the first day here. But you filthy American deserve this and much worse..." _

_It felt like an eternity had passed when he finally removed his hand, and she fell back against the table, gasping and trying to fight the pulsating pain that was radiating through her entire back. He on the other hand went back to his work like nothing was wrong. Once he had cleaned her wounds, he moved to the last part, and Kensi's impulse was to recoil from him when she saw the suturing needle. He noticed her reaction, and with an annoyed sigh he called out to the two guards outside the door. She was too scared and suffering to focus enough to understand Pashtu, but when one man restrained her arms and the other her legs, she realized what was their purpose. The doctor would listen to Crowe's suggestion about anesthesia._

_"The more you struggle, the more it will hurt." He said as a matter of fact, and Kensi closed her eyes, trying to prepare herself. But when the needle pierced her skin, all her defenses crumbled and she started praying for death to come._

Kensi was staring into nothing, her voice flat and cold.

"Dr Nader Wahidi took very good care of me. He kept me alive, so probably I should be thanking him for me being here. Every doctor should be like him..." She was being ironic, but there was no irony, no playfulness or glee in her voice.

"I had no idea they had a doctor there, Ms Blye." Hetty said, trying to get over the surprise. But at that, Kensi moved her eyes to stare at her with a look that clearly conveyed her disbelief.

"Seriously? It was pretty obvious... I mean, you read my file right? You told me you read _all _of it. Well, you read it, and you thought I had survived _that,_ without any treatment?" This time, and probably for the first time since she knew her, it was Hetty who lowered her eyes embarrassed, because she knew what she was referring to. She had cried when she had read that page on the medical file.

"That kind of damage would have killed me without any medical help..." And it would have been better, she thought. But she didn't say it.

"Kensi, I am so..."

"Don't tell me that you're sorry." Kensi whispered. She didn't need empty, meaningless apologies.

"But I am. Because it is... because it is my fault." Kensi just stared at her coldly. She didn't say anything to take away her boss' guilt. She was already living with her good share of guilt, she had no intention of taking hers upon her as well. But when she mentioned that, she thought about something else. Something that had tormented her for so long, something she had never found an answer to. And now she wanted that answer.

"Hetty, I need to ask you something, and I think you already know what it is."

"I believe so, yes." She took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

"And I believe I'm entitled to an answer, so tell me... Why? Why did you send me there?"

"...Because you were fit for the assignment." When she heard that she tightened her fist and her heartbeat accelerated, as rage started invading her.

"Enough, Hetty. Enough with this bullshit, with the evasive answers, with you being the only one who can know everything! Why did you send me there? Why?!"

"Because of the mole!" Hetty almost screamed. That made her freeze.

"What?"

"Because of the mole..." She repeated quietly, slumping against the chair, now resigned to talk about this difficult topic. "We were informed that there was a spy, a mole, in the camp where you were sent. This person was allegedly providing vital information to the White Ghost, helping him from the inside. That's why he was so hard to find. NCIS collaboration was asked: it was required someone with combat training to deal with the terrorist but also a psychology background, to identify this spy. You had obviously the physical training required, but had also studied criminology and profiling, so you were perfect for this." Kensi sat in silence, letting Hetty's words sink in, trying to process every new information without giving in to shock.

"Why did nobody tell me anything? Why was I only informed about the White Ghost?"

"They wanted you to blend in, to not raise any suspects. Then you would have been informed about this other part of the assignment, and with everyone already trusting you and seeing you as 'innocuous', it would have been easier to catch the traitor." She started to understand, everything started making sense. All the confusion about her presence at the camp, the ambiguous looks from the other people there...

"And how long were you thinking of waiting before telling me this?"

"You were supposed to be informed... 8 days after the ambush. Ambush that was probably..."

"Probably caused by the mole." She completed the sentence for Hetty. Everything squared now. And she didn't feel any better. She knew now, but she didn't know what to do with that knowledge.

"I have another question." The most important one.

"I find it hard to believe that in the entire NCIS I was the only one with the right requirement. So why me Hetty?" She saw the short woman swallow hard.

"When I was approached for the first time about this... I refused to send you. You were part of this team, under my protection, and that was an highly dangerous mission." Kensi felt the lump reforming in her throat, and she tried to steady her voice, because she knew exactly where this was going.

"So what changed?"

"..."

"What changed, Hetty?" Her boss took a deep breath and then she said it.

"You and Mr Deeks. That changed." Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, she knew it, but she didn't care. She didn't even care to try and force them back. Because her worst suspicion had just been confirmed. "It started long ago, after the whole thing with Sidorov. When Mr Deeks came back, in his attempts to heal, he started clinging more and more on to you, but I dismissed it as an effect of what he had been through. You two grew closer, more than you'd ever been before, and then the accident with the thumb drive happened." She closed her eyes. She remembered that day perfectly. A perfect mix of sadness and happiness. She still regretted having hit him and not even having told him she was sorry. But he had been too good for her as always, and just as they were starting to sort things out, she had been sent away.

"Even if everything ended for the best, he made the worst mistake possible on the job. He let his emotions get in the way... And you did it too. You almost compromised the entire mission to get in that building with no back up and rescue him. After that, I needed to know that he could still do his job without you. And that you could still be an agent without him..."

Kensi let out a shaky breath, her voice no louder than a whisper. "So you separated us."

"I never expected this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. Both of you." Those words were the last straw. In a matter of seconds it felt like all her emotions had been sucked away from her, and ice had spread inside of her. All gone, to be replaced by the familiar emptiness. The only way she had to deal with what she had just discovered.

"Thank you for telling me. One last thing..." The coldness in her voice was almost startling to Hetty. "Have your plan worked the way you wanted?" She saw the sadness and regret on her boss' face and she felt nothing.

"Oh, Kensi. I'm really..."

"Stop, please. It would be useless. Are we done here?" She took the silence as a yes, so she stood up, ready to go away, as far as possible. She didn't even want to see Deeks anymore. Seeing him and telling him what she had found out would only cause more pain, and she had gotten her good share of pain for the day. The only thing she needed now was to get away.

"I'll think about what you told me about the job. Seriously, I will. And I'll let you know. In the meanwhile, or at least for a few days, please don't contact me. I need, uh... You understand. Ok, if that's it..."

"Kensi, you have to listen to me when I tell you that I'm..."

"Bye." And she walked away.

"Kensi, please!" Hetty tried one last time, but when she saw the young agent turn the corner to reach the exit, she collapsed on her chair, guilt and affliction tormenting her.

"I'm so sorry..."


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello guys! Unexpectedly, there's a new update. I'm trying to do my best with university and writing this at the same time. I hope you're liking it, because I'm really putting a lot of effort into it. So... 121 reviews! Thank you so much, I'd asked you for 120 and you made my wish come true, you're always the best! Thank you to anyone who followed, favored and obviously reviewed. You're awesome!**

**Also, special thanks to blue dogs rock, Katie, Hoosier65, superMartha and the 3 Guest... All my love to you!**

**Here's the new chapter, let me know what you think! As always...**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Kensi walked. And walked and walked and walked. Hoping to tire herself enough to stop thinking about what had happened. What she had found out.

She had tormented herself over this for months, nonstop, when the answer had always been the most obvious one. She had always suspected that she had been sent away because of what had happened between her and Deeks, but at the same time she had refused to accept it. She had refused to think that Hetty could be actually so cold and calculator, and she had racked her brains trying to find another possible explanation. But the truth was much easier: there was no other explanation. The mole thing was just a consequence. No, she had been sent away because of her feelings for Deeks. And it was unbearable. To think that the most beautiful thing in her life had indirectly caused the worst horrors in her life was simply unbearable.

She didn't know where she was going or for how long she had been walking, but when she spotted a bar on the other side of the street, she suddenly knew where to go. Like a zombie, she absent-mindedly crossed the street, not even caring to check for speeding cars, and she entered the pub. She rapidly looked around and saw that it was almost empty. Normal, she thought, considering how early it was. She preferred it, though. That way, nobody would bother her. All she wanted to do in that moment was drown her sorrow, her worries, her pain.

She sat at the counter and without even looking up, she called for the bartender. Waiting for someone to come, she closed her eyes and rubbed her temples: her head hurt like hell. She hadn't slept at all that night, and her conversation with Hetty had only added stress.

Kensi suddenly heard a buzz from her jacket, she opened her eyes and took her vibrating phone from her pocket. It was Deeks, for the umpteenth time. He had kept calling her and leaving her messages, the first call only minutes after she had left the office. Like all the others, she declined it and placed the phone on the counter. She didn't want to speak with him at the moment, and she knew it wasn't fair to him. She knew him, and she knew he would probably be worried, since they were supposed to meet, but she honestly didn't know how to face him. She knew that if she heard his voice, every emotion that she was trying to keep in would burst out with violence, and she wasn't ready to deal with them. Not yet.

She was lost in her thoughts, when she heard someone clear their throat, and she realized that the bartender was in front of her.

"I need a drink." She simply mumbled, without even lifting her eyes.

"Ouch... Layoff or bad break-up?" When she heard the bright voice, Kensi finally looked up and found herself face to face with a smiling girl.

"What?" She asked confused, and the girl in front of her shrugged and smiled even more. It was that smile that caught her attention: honest, kind, but at the same time very cheeky, and it caused her to finally focus on the girl. She couldn't be more than 25. She was blonde, her hair tied in a loose side ponytail, she had cute dimples that softened her face, and behind a pair of square glasses there were two grey eyes, kind, like all her appearance, but also extremely smart.

"Not that I know, but something pretty shitty must have happened to you to make you come here and order vodka at this time of the day." She raised her eyebrows, surprised by her bluntness, and the closest thing to a chuckle almost left her mouth. Also because she couldn't have explained her situation better.

"Yeah, something pretty shitty is about the right definition. But no vodka." She said and lowered her eyes, unable to suppress a shudder.

"The last time I had vodka, there was a towel on my face, and it was being poured all over it..." She sighed at the painful memory, but when she looked up again she saw that the girl's smile was gone, and there was an expression of shock on her face. Only then she realized that she had said it out loud, and she cursed herself for her carelessness.

"It was, uh..." She shook her head, trying to find a plausible excuse. "It's just a joke. A, uhm... a stupid prank during freshman year at college."

The bartender smiled nervously and slowly nodded. "Right... Well, something like that must really make you get over vodka forever... So that's how you party in college, uh? Probably a good thing that I never went, then." She wasn't buying it. It was obvious to Kensi, but she hadn't been able to come up with a more decent idea. However, the blonde in front of her solved things before they could get really awkward.

"Anyway... so no vodka for the lady. And it's so overrated, by the way. Good for you that you don't like it, in my opinion. Any preference?" Kensi's eyes softened and she almost smiled at the perspicacity and consideration of the young girl in front of her. She had understood that things were more serious than she was letting on, and still was doing her best to not make her feel uncomfortable.

"JD on the rocks, and thanks... uhm..."

"I'm Emily." The girl introduced herself, with once again a smile that brightened her entire face.

"Kensi."

"Cool name..." Emily said, coming back to her with a bottle and a glass. "There you go." She said after filling the glass with the whiskey and the ice. Kensi took it, ready to drink, when the girl leaned forward on the counter and faced her.

"One thing. I know it's not my business..." She said quietly. "But drowning your problems in alcohol won't make them go away."

Kensi froze for a second: Emily was right, she knew it. But she wasn't trying to make her problems go away, because it was impossible. They were rooted inside her, to the bottom of her soul. All she wanted now, was a minute of mental peace. A moment of detachment from her awful reality.

"Thanks for the advice." She just whispered sadly, and then she emptied her glass. The alcohol immediately burned down her throat, and she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling its effects already impacting her mind and clouding it. That was a strong drink, and she used to drink it in sips, but this time she gulped it down all at once, and that maximized its effects, exactly the way she wanted. She coughed a couple of times and reopened her eyes, only to see her phone ringing again. She ignored it, but that sight was enough to nullify whatever numb feeling the whiskey had been spreading inside of her, and all her worries, her fears, her sadness, her pain crept up on her again. She didn't want that. She needed the numbness again.

She gestured to Emily and ordered one more drink. This time also she drank the alcohol altogether, and the moment her glass was emptied she immediately asked for one other. As before, the blonde filled her glass, but she hesitated before doing it, worry written all over her face. Kensi didn't care, though. All she wanted was her drink in that moment, and when Emily finally complied to her request, it ended up exactly like the previous others.

At that point, Kensi blinked repeatedly and rested her head in her hands. Her head was still throbbing, but a warm feeling was spreading through her entire body, and she realized that the multiple drinks were having the effect desired.

It wasn't enough, though, so she called to the young girl again, but this time she reacted.

"Hey, you've already gotten three of them. Probably you haven't even eaten anything, you should stop..." Kensi didn't even look at her: somewhere inside of her, she knew that the blonde was giving her a good advice, but she didn't care. She needed to stop thinking, to stop worrying, to stop suffering, even if just for a moment.

"Just give me my drink, ok?" She slurred, and Emily, after waiting for a few more seconds, just sighed and eventually complied. Once she refilled her glass, the bartender turned, and seemed ready to leave her alone, so Kensi lifted her drink and was about to gulp it down, when suddenly the blonde turned back to her and addressed her.

"Look, I don't know you and you don't know me, and maybe you just had a really shitty day and came here to numb your mind. That's normal, a lot of people do it... But if there's more, and it's not just today, then all this thing you're doing here... it will only worsen things. Trust me, your pain won't disappear, it will only increase." At that, Kensi finally glanced at the girl. With the glass still in her hand, she frowned and let out a breath. Alcohol was dulling her brain, and she was already upset for what had happened with Hetty, so all the bartender's words did was annoy her. She was tired of people telling her what was best for her, what to do and not to do. When she eventually opened her mouth to speak, her words came out harsher than she realized.

"You're a kid. You go around with this big smile on your face, and you want to give people suggestion about their pain... What do you know about pain, uh? Nothing." Kensi saw Emily raise her eyebrows in surprise, and for a moment she spotted a flicker of hurt in her eyes. It was brief, though, because the girl looked up for a second, and when their eyes met again there was just sadness and sympathy in them. Then her smile reappeared, but it was different, darker.

"You're right. I'm just a kid, as you said. I've no idea what you're going through, so it was my mistake to try giving you any sorts of advice. And I smile a lot, yes, because smiling is better than crying. But for the record... when you wake up, one morning, and find your best friend... your only friend, OD'd next to you in the bed, her body cold and rigid, I can assure you that you learn what pain is."

After hearing those words, Kensi felt a sick feeling in her stomach. She put down the glass and closed her eyes in shame. To say that she'd been a bitch to the blonde in front of her would have been an understatement, and now she felt really bad for what she'd done.

"Shit... I'm sorry, I wasn't... uh, I wasn't thinking and I'm really..." She tried to apologize, but the bartender shook her head, a hard look on her face.

"It's fine. Drunk people say shit all the time, I'm used to it. Anyway you're my customer, so if you wanna drink yourself to unconsciousness, you're just doing me a favor. Just tell me when you want me to leave the bottle. At that rate, it'll be pretty soon..." And she started walking away.

Kensi felt horrible. Not only for what had happened with Emily, who was obviously just trying to be nice, but for what she was becoming. This aggressiveness was a response to the suffering that was eating her alive and she was taking it out on people who didn't deserve it. She had just met this girl, she was the first stranger she had talked to ever since she'd come back. She had managed to almost make her feel at ease for a moment, even after the events of that morning, and in return she had offended her and hurt her. She was ashamed of herself. Kensi leaned on the counter and rested her forehead against her hands. She let out a shaky sigh and tried to choke back a sob.

"I'm drowning..." She finally said, and when she did she heard the footsteps stop. "I'm drowning and I don't know what to do." On the verge of tears, she tentatively looked up, and saw that Emily had stooped and was now facing her. It was in that moment, with that stranger she somehow felt connected to, that she felt the need to let some of that suffering out.

"What if told you... what if I told you that I'm suffering so much, that I've experienced so much pain that it's literally impossible for it to increase even more? I'm stuck with it, I can't make it go away, and I don't deserve to find a way to do it... I was mean to you, because you seem so happy, and it made me jealous, because I don't know what happiness is anymore..." Her voice started cracking, more and more as she went on, and through her tears filled eyes, she saw Emily slowly make her way back to her.

"Everything I had... everything good, beautiful, pure, has been stripped away from me, and all that's left is this constant pain that is consuming me from the inside. I'm the shadow of who I was before. I lie in my bed awake at night, and I wander if this life still makes sense. I did things that... My soul is gone. I came here because I wanted to escape all of this for just a moment. For what I did I deserve to suffer, but I don't know if I can't stand it anymore." When she finished, she rubbed angrily her eyes to send away the tears. She couldn't start crying: if she did, she knew she would never stop. She swallowed the lump in her throat and started tormenting her lower lip, when with the corner of the eye she saw that Emily had come back next to her. She timidly looked at the younger girl, but was surprised when she saw that, not only her face had softened again, but the look of sympathy from before had been replaced by one of empathy.

"So you're saying that you deserve to suffer..." Kensi briefly looked away embarrassed, but then forced herself to meet the blonde's eyes again. "My friend, Sara... you know why she OD'd? We had decided that we wanted to get clean, to do something better with our lives, and it was the night before we were supposed to enter rehab. Well... I suggested that we 'partied' one last time, to celebrate the beginning of our new lives. So we mixed booze and heroin. I woke up the next morning... she didn't." Kensi looked at Emily in shock. She really didn't expect this bright happy girl to have gone through something like that, and her heart hurt when she saw that this time it was her who was trying to fight back tears. The blonde closed her eyes for a second, and when she reopened them, Kensi saw a small smile also appear on her face.

"I should have died instead of her, but I don't know why, I survived. I know what it feels like to think you deserve to suffer. I thought about voluntarily OD, because I didn't deserve the life that I still had, but you know what I also realized? That by doing that, I would have been only guiltier. I would have wasted the chance that had been given to me. So I got clean... I crawled out of the dirt that was my life, and now I spend every day trying to do something good, and always in her name. Always remembering Sara."

Emily took a moment and exhaled heavily, Kensi waiting in silence for her to go on.

"Even if your life was shit, or you think you've hit the bottom, it can get better. Look." She fumbled in her pockets, took out a bronze coin, with a III engraved in it and showed it to her. Kensi immediately recognized it as an Anonymous Alcoholics chip.

"After rehab, I immediately joined the AAs. I've been clean for three years, now." She said with proud in her voice, and Kensi stared at her astounded.

"You're in the AA... and you're a bartender." At her surprised tone, Emily let out a small laugh.

"Yep. Been clean for three years, working here for two. As soon as I got clean, I moved here in LA. It was Sara's dream, you know? To live here, to make fortune in the big city... and I wanted to honor that. Anyway... I used all my savings to rent a place, I was basically penniless, and I needed a job. After working occasionally for about a year, I was offered this job. A steady job. So I accepted it."

"How do you do it?" Kensi whispered, after hearing her story. "How can you work here and not fall into temptation?" That elicited a loud laugh from the blonde.

"Oh, but I was tempted. A lot. In the beginning I was completely terrified to stay here, to fall back into my addiction. Even now I am tempted sometimes..." Then her voice got more serious. "But at the end of the day, this job helped me like nothing else could. Because if I can fight my cravings here, I can fight them anywhere and in every situation. I work in contact with the thing I fear most, and I've learnt to face it and to resist to it. And in the darkest days, when things become almost unbearable and I feel ready to give up, I think about Sara, about her big blue eyes. And she gives me the strength to go on, because I survived when she didn't, and it is my responsibility to not waste this gift."

Kensi lowered her eyes, overwhelmed by all she heard. She couldn't believe that, among all the people she could have started a conversation with, this girl shared so many similarities with her. But she was stronger than her, much stronger. Because she was working in contact with thing that had almost killed her, while she was scared to even think about going back to the job that had caused her all that suffering. And most of all, Emily could think about her friend's blue eyes and draw strength from that thought. But Kensi, when picturing that pair of bright, smart, brown eyes, felt only pain and guilt, a guilt she had no way to erase.

"Hey..." Kensi looked back at the blonde when she heard her calling her. "I don't know you and I don't know what kind of monsters you're facing. I don't know what happened to you to make you believe that happiness is gone from your life, but let me tell you that you're wrong. There is always a way out, a way to let light back into your life. You just have to work hard enough to make it happen. And yes... It will be horrible, and it will be painful, but you can do it, just like I did... Plus, I was alone, while you seem a pretty sought-after person."

She gestured at her phone, and Kensi saw that it was vibrating again. She sighed and let it ring, not bothering to answer, not bothering to even look who it was. Emily frowned at her behaviour but didn't comment on it. She just went on with what she was saying.

"Whoever it is that is calling you, that person cares about you. You have someone who cares about you, and you don't know how lucky you are to have them. To have someone to lean on during this time full of pain. That alone, is something to be happy about." She flashed her beautiful smile again, full of understanding.

"I'm just a bartender here, and you don't have to listen to me. Probably you think that there's no solution to your problems, no end to your pain, but I can tell you that it doesn't have to be like this. You always have a choice. You can go back to do what you were doing before we started talking... You can try to drown your pain and to numb yourself, but doing so sink into darkness... or you can try to fight back. You can force yourself to find something worthy in your life and you can choose to face your pain in its name. You can choose the hard path and be yourself again..."

Kensi listened to every word. She let them sink in, and for a moment she thought that maybe she could do it. She thought to one blonde agent, to his cheeky smile, and to the depth of his ocean blue eyes, and she realized that there was something worthy in her life. But then she flashed back to all the events of Afghanistan, all together, like an editing, and she understood that, even if she managed to get past all the pain she had experienced, she would never be free from her sins and her guilt. She would never be worthy of happiness again.

The glass full of whiskey was still in front of her, ice melted by now. She stared at it in complete silence for almost a minute, then she took it and raised it, in a bitter parody of a toast. An unhopeful smile appeared on her face, and she saw sadness cloud Emily's face.

"Here's to darkness, then..."

She brought the glass close to her lips, and was about to drink the alcohol, when her phone ringed again. A single buzz, this time. Her eyes fell almost casually on the cell, but when she saw the message, she dropped her drink, and its content spilled all over the counter, under the shocked look of Emily. But Kensi didn't care: she didn't know what was going on around her. She was completely frozen, focused solely on the text received, unable to make her brain work.

The meaning of the four words written on the small screen finally hit her, and when it did, her heart stopped.

* * *

As soon as he finished helping Nell with the inventory, Deeks headed back to the bullpen, hoping to find something else to occupy his mind, and most of all, secretly wishing to see Kensi. He knew about the meeting with Hetty, and he hoped to run into her at some point, to ask her how it had gone and to see how she was feeling. So he was let down when he found the office still empty. He scratched his head and sighed, totally disappointed, but feeling sorry for himself wouldn't be of any use at that point, so he straightened up and chose to head for the gym. Lashing out against a punching bag seemed a good idea.

He was about to move, when he saw something. Not too far away from him, in the most secluded area of the room, his boss was sitting in silence. When he noticed her, he looked more carefully and was surprised to see that she was sporting one of the grimmest expressions he had ever seen. Hetty always seemed so controlled, so he was really surprised and intrigued to see her like that. Intrigued but also worried. Because, once he overcame the surprise, he started thinking about the reasons for his boss to have that look, and one thing immediately came to his mind. One person.

He hesitated for about a minute, but then his curiosity got the best of him, and he slowly approached her. When he entered her office, she didn't even acknowledge his presence: she just sat completely still, her eyes distant and staring into nothing. He just stood there awkwardly for a while, waiting for her to react in some way, but when she still didn't do or say anything, he chose to try and unblock things, so he cleared his throat and made the first move.

"Ahem... Hi, Hetty. I don't wanna bother you, but I saw you here and I wanted to ask you..."

"Not now, Mr Deeks." She abruptly cut him off. He was completely taken aback by her words, seriously not expecting such cold words. He stared at her with his mouth open for several seconds, before he even managed to pull himself together. He was used to the eccentricity of Hetty Lange, but this was the first time he had witnessed a reaction like this, with no apparent reason, also. But since he wasn't known for giving up at the first try, at the cost of getting himself into trouble, he tried again.

"I'm not trying to make you waste your time, I just wanted to know how it had gone with the..."

"Damn it Mr Deeks, did you not hear me? I said not now! Would you please leave?" Only when she said those words she finally turned to look at him, and Deeks was able to see that, hidden behind annoyance and anger, her eyes were also expressing a deep sadness. He had never seen the older woman so upset. But all that didn't prevent him from feeling outraged towards her: he had done nothing to her, he had just asked her a quick information, and in return she was not only shouting at him, but was also throwing him out of the room, with no explanation whatsoever. He didn't know what was going on with her, but it didn't justify that behaviour at all.

He felt his own rage rising inside of him, and he was very tempted to make a sharp retort, but he knew damn well that it would be useless. So, making an impossible effort, he chose to swallow down his anger. He clenched tightly his fists and turned around, ready to leave the room, but one thought hit him and he stopped. With all his rage and shock, he had almost forgotten the first reason why he had gone there. When he suddenly remembered, he turned back to her, determined to get at least one answer.

"Look, tell me where Kensi is and I'll go." He said coldly, he himself wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. But Hetty shrugged.

"I have no idea. So, if you don't mind..." He snorted, no humor in his laugh.

"Yeah, I do mind. You're the one who was supposed to see her, today." For a moment, he saw Hetty lower her eyes, but she immediately went back to stare into nothing.

"She's not here..." At that completely useless answer, and at her continuous persistence in ignoring him, he felt like a fire rising inside of him, and his determination at staying calm started to waver.

"Aren't you capable of giving me a thorough answer, Hetty? I just want to know where Kensi is. I mean, you were supposed to have that meeting today. What happened? Has she still not arrived? Have you canceled it? I'm not asking for the moon here... I just want an answer to a simple..."

"She's gone." Hetty finally said, a hard look on her face, and he abruptly stopped talking, frozen. Anger replaced by confusion.

"What... What do you mean? What do you mean she's gone?" Her expression softened, and he saw that same sadness from before glaze her eyes again.

"Exactly what I said. She came here, we talked, and she went away..." He passed a hand through his hair, trying to think: it didn't make any sense, they were supposed to meet after her conversation with Hetty, and now he was being told that she had left without a reason. He was missing something.

"No... No, she was supposed to meet me. There has to be something that..." Then he stopped, staring quietly in his boss' eyes and he realized it. That look: it was the same look she had when she had told him that Kensi was dead. At that point he started worrying.

"What happened, Hetty? What happened during the meeting?" She went back to not looking at him.

"It's not of your concern, Mr Deeks."

"Like hell..." He hissed, taking a step forward. As he went on talking his voice rose and rose, proportionally to his rage. "Kensi is of my concern. She's my partner, and if you said something to her that upset her so much to make her leave without saying anything, than I..."

"She's not your partner." She interrupted him, but after what she said he really didn't have any words. He simply stared at her in shock, refusing to believe that she had just said what he had heard. He frowned and shook his head, a nervous smile appearing on his face. He had always thought highly of Hetty, but in that moment he felt something change, because he would have never thought that she could do something like that. Knowing how much he had suffered, how much Kensi was suffering, how much their partnership had always meant to them, he couldn't believe that she would use the current circumstances against him. It felt like a betrayal.

He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth so hard that they actually hurt, as all the emotions he was feeling threatened to violently surface as one. He still had that bit of control necessary to ignore her comment and just leave, but he didn't want to. He was tired of ignoring and enduring. So when he reopened his eyes, Deeks stared at her with a look that would have made the most fearless person, and released his anger through few words.

"She's not my partner because you sent her in Afghanistan where she almost died, and now she can't be back at work because she's suffering too much from all the trauma and torture she suffered there. In that living hell. Where _you _sent her." He knew he was basically blaming Hetty for all that happened, but he was too hurt to feel guilty about it. And he wanted his words to affect her. And they did. She shot up from the chair, her usual coolness completely gone, and almost screamed in his face.

"You think I don't know that, Deeks?! Do you really think I don't wake up every day feeling guilty for what happened? For what she's been through? I don't need you to remind me that I sent her there. I know that I caused this, and I am sorry! I tried to tell her today, but she wouldn't listen. I didn't want any of this to happen. If I could take her place I would, but I can't and I'm sorry!" Hetty was really upset, and he knew her words were authentic, but he couldn't bring himself to let go like that. Not after what happened to Kensi.

"Being sorry is not enough. I am sorry too, Hetty..." He had to take a deep breath to keep his voice from cracking. "Because if you sent her there, I left her there. I didn't... I didn't do anything to look for her. I blame myself too, and I need to work to get her forgiveness, even if she says that there's nothing to forgive. But you, you think that the entire world owes you! You say you're sorry and everything is fine, right?" He angrily shook his head. "Not this time. Kensi... she- she suffered too much for that to be even remotely close to enough. As someone who's been through something similar, I can tell you that it's not..."

And she laughed, interrupting his speech. A low, frightening, dark laugh.

"Oh, Mr Deeks... I find it frankly inappropriate that you compare your experience to hers." His eyes widened in shock. He wanted to reply but he didn't know how. He couldn't believe what she had just said. And it hurt, mostly because deep down he felt she was right. He could admit it to himself, but hearing it from someone else, hearing it from his boss, was way much harder.

"You're right, it's different... You can dismiss what happened to me if you want, but it doesn't change the fact that I was tortured, and I know..."

"You don't know anything!" Hetty unexpectedly yelled, and he swore he could see her eyes shining with tears. That sight alone made him abruptly shut up.

"You don't know anything..." She repeatedly more quietly, as her tone expressed all her exhaustion and torment. "You think what happened to you was bad? Yes, it was horrible... And it is nothing, _nothing_, compared to what happened to her." Deeks' anger was now gone, being replaced by a bone-chilling feeling, by pure dread.

"...How do you know that?" He whispered, and Hetty looked up to the sky and sighed.

"Wake up, Mr Deeks! I read her medical file... I saw, I saw the pictures." Hearing the pain and the nausea in her voice suddenly made him feel sick. "I've seen so many things in my life, I've met so many people. I've clashed with people so despicable that they cannot even be classified as human beings, and what happened to Kensi... I wouldn't wish it even to them. I know the horrors she endured at the hands of those animals, horrors you can't even begin to imagine... They come to torture me every night, before I go to sleep and every morning, when I wake up. And I know that being sorry is not enough, but I'm being consumed by guilt, and being sorry is the only place I know where to start to make amends."

As soon as she stopped talking, he started hearing a ringing in his ears and his stomach churned. He had to struggle really hard to suppress the impulse to gag as Hetty' words started settling in his mind. He knew her: he knew she was a woman not easily susceptible, and yet talking about Kensi's torture had almost reduced her to tears. This alone was an accurate and terrifying demonstration of the real extent of the damage inflicted to his partner. Of how atrocious it actually was. When realization eventually hit him, any logic, any rationality simply flew out of the window. All the worst possibilities he had ever imagined became reality in his mind, and he reacted impulsively, his words deriving from his fears.

"What did they do to her?" He asked with faltering voice, but Hetty shook her head.

"Don't, Mr Deeks. Just let it go..." Any trace of control over himself was already gone before she said that, but her words made him explode.

"Let it go? How can you expect me to let it go? She's my... It's Kensi we're talking about! She's hurt, and I need to know what happened to be able to help her."

"I won't repeat myself, it is not my place to tell you, and you don't want to know anyway, so stop insisting!"

"I don't want to... And how the hell do you know that, uh?!" They were both yelling now. "How come you're always the one who knows everything and we're the idiots? I'm sick of being kept in the dark! I'm sick of this nonsense!"

"You're way out of line, here! I know what I'm talking about... You think I do this for fun? Do you think I'm happy to know what was done to my Agent? Do you think I'm happy to know how badly she was tortured? Do you think I draw some sort of sick pleasure from knowing that she was..."

"Hey!"

Deeks and Hetty turned simultaneously and found themselves face to face to an astounded Callen. The look of surprise on his face was clear as day. They had been fighting so fiercely that they hadn't heard him approach.

"Eric whistled. We have a case, Deeks." Deeks was taking short, ragged breaths, his heart beating a mile a minute, trying his best to contain his anger. This interruption had only contributed to upset him more. He wasn't done with Hetty, he didn't want this matter to drop to never be discussed again. He turned back to stare at her, but he was crushed when he saw that she had her mask of impassivity on her face once again.

"You have work to do, Mr Deeks." He wanted to answer, with all his heart, but one look was enough to understand that they were done talking, and his frustration increased a thousand times. He bit the inside of his cheek so hard to almost draw blood, and for what felt like an eternity he didn't make a move. But when Callen called his name again, he sighed, knowing there was nothing else to do. So, resigned, he nodded to the older agent and, without even glancing back at Hetty, he followed him out of the office.

Deeks kept quiet all the way up to OPS, and was glad that Callen himself didn't make any comments. When they arrived upstairs though, the situation changed: Nell, who had come back from her assignment, stayed in a corner and just stared at him with concern, but Sam immediately approached him.

"What's up, Deeks? Man, we could hear you yelling from up here. What the hell happened? Is everything ok?" Deeks merely nodded, not wanting to discuss what had happened with his boss.

"Yeah, everything's good. Don't worry about it. So, we have a case or what?" He said to Eric, effectively putting a stop to any possible discussion. The computer genius just looked at him for a few seconds, hesitating, but then he cleared his throat and moved on. Once they saw he wasn't inclined to talk, all the other team members simply left him alone and focused on the case.

He chose to do the same. At least it was a way to not think about all the things that were torturing him. Work gave him something to focus on, something to distract him, and in that moment it was his best option.

The case was relatively simple. Frank Adkins, 28, a marine on his leave, had been found dead in an alley behind a night club the night before, stabbed multiple times. No mystery behind it, too, because for once, they'd gotten lucky and a street camera had filmed everything. They watched the video: two men came out from a back entrance of the club, ready to leave, when Adkins appeared and called them. He was waving in front of them a small bag of what was obviously cocaine, and from his face and body language he was evidently enraged. There was no audio, and Deeks couldn't read lips like Kensi, but it was clear to him that they were arguing about the quality of the drug. Deeks briefly glanced at Sam and saw him shaking his head, disappointed and repulsed by a fellow marine acting that way, and he went back to focus on the video.

Things escalated quickly: the three men kept arguing for a while, until Adkins threw the small bag at one of the two drug dealers and flipped him off. In return, and impossibly fast, the criminal lunged at the marine who, taken by surprise, saw the knife too late and ended up stabbed three times in the stomach. Once the murder was completed, the two guys didn't think twice and just ran away.

The moment the video ended, the team got immediately to work. Nell and Eric started going through facial recognition to identify the two offenders, while Callen, Sam and he could only wait for the two analysts to give them a target.

Deeks knew he had to stay concentrated, to focus on the murder, but he couldn't. While he waited there, his mind kept going back to his conversation with Hetty, and to all the horrible things she had revealed. He had always known that Kensi had gone through hell in Afghanistan, but to know that it was something that had caused Hetty, impassive, imperturbable, stoical Hetty, to react like that was a whole other story. Now he was scared to even think about what the person he cared about the most on the planet had endured. And at the same time he needed to know, because not knowing was causing his imagination to run wild, creating all sorts of horrors. It was pure torment. And if that wasn't enough, he knew that Kensi had left the building extremely upset, and he had no idea where she was. He tried to call her, not even knowing what to say, but she didn't pick up and his worries increased.

He waited a few more minutes, and was about to try again, when the computers beeped and his attention went back to the large screen.

"Got them!" Eric said happily. "Daniel Clemons, and our murderer is Isaac Slater. Aaaand, already sending the addresses on your phones. Clemons is just a low-key drug dealer, but Slater has an impressive list of records, including assault and attempted murder."

"Well, it looks like this time he didn't stop just at the attempt." Callen said frowning, then he turned to Sam and Deeks. "Alright... Deeks, you're alone, so you go arrest Clemons. Sam and I will deal with Slater. He seems the most dangerous one between the two. Let's keep radio contact."

Deeks merely nodded and the three of them moved. He made the entire way to his car completely in autopilot, his mind focused solely on Kensi. He was extremely worried. He tried calling her many times, even while driving to Clemons' place, but every time he got her voicemail as an answer. He was so concentrated on her that he almost didn't realize that he had gotten to destination. He slammed on the brakes and shook his head violently: he was on a mission, he needed to stay focused. Even if this was an easy arrest, he couldn't let himself get distracted.

So he parked his car in a more secluded area, and walked to the entrance of the house where he hoped to find the drug dealer. He drew his gun and carefully made his way to the door. He tried to look inside through the front windows, but the curtains were obstructing his view. So he took a deep breath and decided to approach. He pounded on the door loudly, to see if anyone was inside, but got no answer. He waited a few seconds, then he tried again, this time calling for Clemons. And once he did that, he heard sounds coming from inside the house. Without hesitancy, he took a step back and kicked down the door, only to see the criminal throw himself out of a side window and try to escape.

Deeks immediately turned around the house and started running after him.

"Federal Agents! Freeze!" There was no chance that he would listen, so he kept chasing after him through the whole neighborhood, in the meanwhile communicating to Callen and Sam what was going on and his position. He didn't know for how long the chase lasted, but at one point they arrived to an alley and he saw Clemons stop in his tracks. For a second he thought he wanted to surrender, but then the guy turned and he saw the gun.

Their respective shots went off almost simultaneously. Fire burned up in Deeks' left leg, and he fell to the ground. He was aware he'd hit his target only because he heard his scream of pain, but he quickly had to take shelter behind a dumpster, to avoid another bullet, since the guy wouldn't stop shooting at him.

Deeks blinked repeatedly, trying to focus. His heart was beating impossibly fast and his leg hurt like hell, but he tried to get past all that to assess the situation. Once the shooting stopped, he realized that Clemons had probably run out of bullets. He strained his ears and managed to hear the sounds of uneven footsteps running away. That's when he understood that the drug dealer was only injured, and he knew that he couldn't let him escape. So, mustering his courage, and fighting against the pain, he got up and, limping, he went back to run after the suspect. He saw him at the end of the alley and tried to speed up the best he could. He was almost there when his brain registered the sound of a car stopping, but he didn't give much thought to it. He reached the end of the street and raised his gun, but when he turned the corner he froze.

He almost didn't notice Clemons, bleeding from his shoulder, scrambling to get in the car. All he saw was Isaac Slater, sitting in the driver's seat, and the gun in his hand, aimed right at him.

He only heard a loud noise. Pain exploded in his temple, and his world went black.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hi everybody! Sorry if this took so long, especially after the cliffhanger of the last chapter (that was mean, I know...), but as I previously told you... university. I have my first exam next friday, so I was pretty busy as you can imagine. However, enough with the apologizing.**

**Wow... 137 reviews. 137 reviews?! Are you kidding me?! It's just unreal, when I saw it I couldn't believe it. I spent the last few days with the stupidest smile on my face thanks to you, guys... I love all of you! That's all I can say after the amazing response I got for my last chapter. You are really wonderful people, and I won't stop being thankful to you. Someone should invent a new word to express how happy and grateful I am, but for now, let me just say... Thank you thank you thank you. :) There are way too many people that I should mention here, but for this chapter, just know that my special thanks is literally to all of you!**

**Now, while I was happily reading your reviews (mind you, even with all I'm about to say... I'm still super happy, about every single one of them) I noticed a few comments that made me think, and I would have replied to these people through PM but they don't have the user ID, so I thought about doing it in this AN. This is not an angry or offended reply at all, I just want to try to explain a few points. (And if someone knows how to reply privately to guests, please let me know)**

**I saw in particular that people seemed enraged about Hetty mocking Deeks' torture during that discussion, so I wanted to clarify this point, especially for Guest and Guest. You are absolutely right: you should be enraged about Hetty's reaction, it is not justifiable in any way, and even Kensi in ch 15 threatened her to not try to undervalue what happened to him. She acted wrong on every level, and I purposefully wrote her like that. But what I want to say is that she is not mocking him. She laughed, yes, but it's a sad laugh, there is no humor in it. She knows what happened to Kensi while Deeks doesn't, and she feels he's attacking her without even knowing anything. It's not right and it's not justifiable, it's just an instinctive reaction from a woman on the verge of breaking. She knows that what happened to Deeks was horrible, but she's also read Kensi's file and she knows she endured worse. And she reacts aggressively because she feels guilty for all Kensi has been through. (Also, one other thing, in my story Kensi didn't go voluntarily off the grid, she was captured, it's different from the show...)**

**And this brings me to Guest 2 (sorry, I don't know how else to discern you, :)).**

**First of all... I'm sorry if you thought that Kensi's comment to Crowe was stupid or unrealistic. And you're right, Kensi is an agent, she's trained. Rationally she knows that she should just keep her mouth shut, but she's not thinking rationally. She's being tortured, she's hurt, she's scared. Four weeks in, she's probably starting to realize that nobody's coming for her and that she's alone. And on top of that, there's a sexual assault threat lingering in the air. In a situation like that, I don't think anyone would be able to think rationally. But Kensi is also stubborn, that's why she makes that comment. She knows that if he wants, Crowe can do anything to her. She's under his control, and I think that in a situation so desperate, knowing that she has nothing to lose, what Kensi would want would be to have still a little bit of power left. She knows the consequences, but all she has left is the strength to show him that he can't break her so easily. That's how I pictured, it. Again, I'm sorry if you find it crazy and unrealistic.**

**Moving on, about your second review... I know that it's been 16 chapters and I've only given small clues about what Kensi has been through, but I can tell you that you will find out at one point, and yes, it's bad. Remember that even if we're at ch 16, in my story Kensi has been back for only a few days, and it will take time for her to open up. I know this is just fiction, and probably a lot of things are still inaccurate, but I'm trying to be as realistic as possible, and I don't think that after going through a really awful trauma, a person would find talking about it easy... I don't think they would be inclined to talk about it at all actually. So all I'm asking is to be patient. Oh, ps... she didn't survive without damage, at all...**

**Then, you're asking "If it was that bad, why didn't she kill herself when she had the chance?". Well, I don't want to spoil this, but this will play a very important part in the story later on. All I can tell you is that there is a reason, but I don't want to give it away... You'll have to read the story to find out.**

**About the rest of your review... I'm sorry, I don't want to be rude or anything, but seriously I don't get it. I know you're being sarcastic, but it genuinely doesn't make sense to me. Ok, I understand that all that thing about broken nails, lipstick, haircut is you being ironic because you still don't understand what happened to Kensi that could be so horrible, but that question about BDSM club? What does that mean? Of course she didn't enjoy what happened there. She is traumatized by it. I mean, I know I only showed bits and pieces in the flashbacks, but even that is awful enough (I was cringing while writing it). She was electrocuted, whipped, tortured with a drill... don't you consider that traumatizing? Do you think there is someone, anyone, on this planet that would enjoy something like this? I don't think so, that's why I don't understand your comment.**

**If you agree with what I said, or you disagree, or you even think this is completely stupid, please, I really encourage you to respond, because I want to know your opinion. All I'm asking is that you answer politely, just like I did. And all this is extended to anyone who feels like commenting, of course. :)**

**Thanks to everyone who's reading my story. Let the response to this chapter be as awesome as chapter 16! =)**

**Here's CH.17 (it's slightly shorter, but I hope you guys still like it!)... Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

With her heart in her throat, Kensi stormed through the hospital doors, desperately repeating to herself that it wasn't too late.

Right after reading Sam's message, she had immediately called her friend and he had told her that Deeks had been rushed to the hospital. All she had asked had been the address of where he had been taken and then she had run out of the bar to get her car, when she had suddenly realized that she hadn't taken it that day, and she had cursed herself for her decision. There were no bus stops around, and when even calling for a taxi hadn't worked, she had started running. It was irrational, it was pointless, but there was no way she could have waited there without doing nothing, and that had seemed the only thing to do. So she had run, forcing her weak and untrained body to make an impossible effort. Straining to make her legs keep moving, even if her muscles were sore and cramping, even if her spleen was on fire, even if her lungs were threatening to explode. She had desperately run until she was on the verge of collapsing, when miraculously she had found a passing cab that had brought her to destination.

So now she was in the hospital, she couldn't breathe, and every single part of her body hurt, but she didn't care. The pain she was feeling was secondary. All she could think about was the text message.

_Deeks has been shot._

The four words kept flashing in front of her eyes, eliciting inside of her a terror she still had never experienced. In her shock, she hadn't asked anything, so she had no information about his conditions and she was already fearing the worst. Without even stopping to catch her breath, she walked quickly to the hall reception, where a nurse was sitting behind the desk, reading a newspaper. When she lifted her eyes, she was almost startled by the freaked out look of the young woman in front of her.

"Marty Deeks? He's been brought here for a gunshot wound." Kensi immediately blurted out, and the nurse turned to the computer and started going through the database. She had to wait no more than two minutes, but it seemed like ages had passed when finally she got the information she needed.

"He's in surgery, but you should go to the ICU. It's on the 4th floor."

Kensi didn't wait another second and ran to the elevator. Only once inside, waiting to get to her floor, she allowed herself a moment to collect herself and perk up. Her lungs and throat were burning, and she had to cough a couple of times before being able to take one deep breath. Her heart was beating so fast that it was threatening to burst out of her chest, but it wasn't because of her running, it was because of her fear. He was in surgery, so it had to be bad, and the possibility that he might not make it... she couldn't even bear to think about it.

When finally the doors opened, she walked out of the elevator and started rushing through the hallway. She didn't even know where she had to go, but suddenly, sitting alone in a waiting room, she spotted the huge figure of Sam. He casually looked in her direction, and when their eyes met, she saw a hint of panic in them. She sprinted immediately towards him, and he shot up from the chair and started moving towards her. He lifted his hand in what was supposed to be a reassuring gesture, and was about to say something, but she didn't give him the chance.

"How is he?!"

"Kensi, you need to stay calm..." He tried to make her calm down as soon as he saw how upset she was, but she angrily shook her head.

"No! Don't tell me to stay calm, Sam. I need to know how he is!" She was on the verge of screaming, and at that Sam understood that trying to reason would be useless, so after the briefest hesitation, he gave her an answer.

"He's still in surgery, and the doctor still hasn't told me anything. I don't know for how long I've been waiting for some news..." She passed a hand through her hair, feeling her anguish increasing. The worried tone of her friend was saying it all. It was true. It was really bad.

"What happened? How did this happen?"

"We had to arrest two suspects. Callen and I went after one and Deeks was supposed to take care of the other one. The one we were after, Slater, tried to get away so we proceeded on pursuing by car. We were in contact with Deeks and he told us that he was chasing his suspect too..."

"I don't care about the case details, Sam. What. Happened. To. Deeks?" Kensi was going crazy, and Sam buying time was only making things worse. She needed to know why the person she cared about more than anyone else was in hospital. She was about to press Sam again when, after clenching his jaw, he finally answered.

"Slater got to the Clemons, the other guy, before we could get to him. Deeks was there alone and... and he was shot. When we got there he was unconscious. I stopped to call an ambulance, but Callen went after them and he caught them, so they're in..."

"Where?" She whispered, interrupting him. She didn't want to know about the two criminals. Now all she cared about were the conditions of her partner. Sam had said that he was already unconscious when they had found him... She needed to know what kind of injury he had sustained to end up like that. "Where was he shot?" She repeated again, even quieter.

"In the leg and..."

"And?" She pushed when he hesitated, but then he let out a breath and forced himself to say it.

"In the head. He was shot in the head." Kensi stopped breathing and a hand unconsciously went to cover her mouth. Sam's words acted like a vise and mangled her heart. Nausea invaded her and suddenly she felt ready to throw up. The head: of all the things she could have thought or feared, this was definitely the worst, because a gunshot wound to the head was basically the equivalent of a death sentence.

"I'm gonna be sick..." She muttered, and tried to take deep breaths to calm down, but air didn't seem to want to reach her lungs. Sam moved closer and placed a hand on her shoulder, in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture, but she pushed his arm away and took a step back, not wanting to be touched. When she looked at him, and saw the sadness on his face, suddenly tears filled her eyes and she felt that little bit of control she had left slip away.

"Where the fuck were you? Why the hell was he on his own?" Even if her voice was cracking, she couldn't restrain herself and started yelling at her friend. "He was alone, Sam! He wasn't supposed to be alone! If somebody had been with him, none of this would have happened! You were supposed to have his back. I was..." She couldn't finish her sentence because Sam quickly stepped towards her and pulled her into a hug. He didn't say anything, he simply held her close and, in the arms of the big man, she felt herself break.

Because she wasn't angry at him. No, she was angry at herself. Her harsh words weren't meant for the friend who was now holding her. She was speaking to herself. Deeks hadn't been shot because Sam or Callen weren't there. He was running the risk of dying because she wasn't there. She had left him with no one to watch his back, she had left him without a partner and this is was the result. Sam and Callen had nothing to do with this. If Deeks was lying in a bed, fighting for his life, it was all her fault. If she hadn't gone away from the office like that, if she had answered his calls, if she had met him like they had agreed that morning, he would have been away from the danger. And even if he had taken the case anyway, he would have been more focused and none of this would have happened. He had called her a thousand times: he was worried about her. And that worry had caused this. She had caused this.

"Sam, it's my..."

"No, kid. Don't say it." Sam cut her off, knowing exactly what she was about to say. "These are the risks of the job. You have nothing to do with it. It's not your fault." She swallowed hard and closed tightly her eyes to stop the tears that were threatening to fall down. When she spoke again her voice was low and wavering.

"What if... What if he..." Sam released her from the embrace, but didn't let go of her. He placed his hands on her arms and leaned forward, to look directly into her eyes, and when he did, Kensi saw the strength and intensity in her friend's stare.

"He's not going to die. He's too strong, he's not gonna die..."

It was in that moment, faced with the possibility of losing him forever, more than ever in her life, even more than during her captivity, that Kensi realized how much she needed him, how truly important he was. The love she felt for him was something she had never experienced for anybody else, not even for Jack. But it wasn't just that: she didn't just love him, she needed him. Like everyone needs oxygen to live. Especially now, she couldn't imagine a life without him. It wouldn't be just painful, but meaningless too. There was nothing complicated about it. Nothing to meditate on, nothing to over think. She wanted him and she needed him in her life. It was as simple as that. And what destroyed her was that he might die without knowing what she really felt for him.

"I never told him..." She whispered more to herself than to Sam, but he frowned, not knowing what she was talking about.

"You never told...?" He was about to ask her what she meant, when he suddenly noticed a doctor entering the waiting room. Kensi saw that his attention had shifted, so she turned around, and when she did, everything lost importance. She immediately sprang towards the doctor, and Sam quickly followed her, almost as eager as her to have information about his friend's conditions.

"Are you here for Marty Deeks?" The doctor asked, and Kensi fervently nodded.

"Yes, yes. How is he?" The few seconds it took the man in front of her to answer her question were eternal to Kensi. Nothing was more important than what he was about to say and, because of her fear, in those moments she forgot how to breathe. The doctor remained silent for a while, but then a small smile appeared on his face.

"He is one lucky guy." Kensi's first reaction was to widen her eyes widened in shock, having troubles believing to her ears.

"He's... He's not dead?" She asked with a shaking voice, needing the confirmation that what she was thinking was true. That the doctor's words really meant what she thought. So, when he shook his head, Kensi closed her eyes and released a breath she didn't know she was holding. Her brain registered Sam muttering a thanks to God, but she didn't focus on it. There was only one thing she could focus on: he wasn't dead. He was alive. Deeks was alive. She couldn't believe it but it was true. When she fully realized it, the vortex of emotions she had been experiencing until now threatened to overwhelm her, and she had to cover her face with her hands to not burst into tears right there. She had never been a crying type of girl, especially for good news, but now she couldn't seem to help it. She had to take a few deep long breaths before she managed to get a grip, and when she looked at the doctor again, her eyes were red and glassy.

"I told you, Kensi. He's too strong." She heard Sam say to her, and she briefly cracked a smile at him, before going back to stare at the doctor, silently asking him to give them information about Deeks.

"As I said, Agent Deeks was very lucky. Usually injuries to the head are deadly. Fortunately, the bullet only grazed his right temple, and we avoided irreparable harm. Two millimeters more to the left, and the wound would have been fatal." Kensi clenched her teeth to maintain control. She couldn't believe how close she had gotten to actually losing him. "Moving on... he required surgery for his leg. He had already lost a lot of blood when he arrived here, but we managed to repair the damage, and he shouldn't have any lasting effect. The bullet only perforated soft tissue, yes, but it scraped the bone. I imagine that your job requires a lot of running around, but he will have to ease himself back in that routine."

Kensi closed her eyes and, was about to let out a sigh of relief, when the doctor added something that made her blood freeze in her veins.

"However, those were the good news, but my job is to inform you also about potential risks. And there is one thing that I'm worried about, now." She felt her heartbeat increase, as the fear that had just left her came back full force. When she spoke her voice was agitated and faltering.

"What- what do you mean? You said that he was fine, you said it. Then why... What makes you... What are you worried about?"

"When he was shot, Agent Deeks fell and hit his head. When someone sustains a head trauma, it is recommended to not make the person fall asleep, because it would increase the risk of a concussion or worse, of brain damage. He was brought here unconscious, which is what worries me. Now, it could be something serious or it could be nothing. We have to wait for him to wake up." Kensi was feeling sick. She had allowed herself to hope, to be relieved, and now it could all be taken away. It wasn't enough that he was shot in the head. Now they had to worry about him having brain damage once he was awake. Or worse, she had to prepare to the possibility of him not waking up at all.

"What if... What if he doesn't wake up?" The doctor didn't answer. He just gave her a supportive look, and Kensi felt herself dying inside. It was true. There was a real possibility that he might not wake up anymore. The possibility that she might not stare into that ocean that were his eyes. The possibility that, after having lost everything else in her life, she might end up losing him too.

"Can we see him?" She registered Sam ask.

"I'm sorry... I can allow it only to family members." She didn't even try to protest, her energies were gone. She was basically resigned, when Sam spoke again.

"Then she goes. She's his family." She looked up in surprise at her friend, who was staring intensely at the physician. He hadn't bought what Sam had just said, and nervously tried to reply.

"I don't think that's..."

"Maybe you didn't hear me..." Sam took a step towards the doctor, who swallowed hard as the huge man came closer. "This girl is all the family Deeks needs, and she will see him now." He didn't raise is voice at all, but from his tone it was clear to the surgeon that this wasn't up to discussion, and after a brief hesitation, he finally complied.

"Behind the corner. It's the third door on the right." He mumbled, and then he left. Kensi looked at Sam with her eyes filled with gratitude, and he smiled, not needing her to say anything to understand what she was thinking. Then he tilted her head and gestured for her to go. She didn't wait any longer. She exited the waiting room and followed the doctor's indications, to find herself in front of a closed door. Once there, though, she hesitated. She didn't know why. Probably because she was afraid to see how much the blonde agent had really been hurt. However, her sheer desire to see him again soon overcame her fear and, mustering her courage, she opened the door and entered the room.

The moment she saw him, Kensi gasped: Deeks was lying in the bed, unconscious, and he was as pale as a ghost. A blanket was covering him from the waist down, hiding his injured leg. An IV was coming out of his arm, he was attached to all sorts of machines, and a bandage was wrapped around his head, covering his forehead. She shuddered when she saw that it was there to keep in place the much thicker gauze on his right temple. She closed her eyes as she replayed the doctor's words in her mind.

_"Two millimeters more to the left and the wound would have been fatal..."_

Two millimeters. Only two millimeters and now she would be staring at a dead body instead of her partner. Something so insignificant would have made such an exponential difference that she couldn't even bear to think about it. So, she opened her eyes and chose to focus on the fact that he had survived, that he was alive. But staring at him, she couldn't bring herself to be fully relieved and happy: instead, she was terrified. Utterly terrified. She knew very well that he still wasn't out of harm's way. If the doctor was worried, she was scared to death. Scared that the worst possibility imagined could become reality, scared that he wouldn't open his eyes and look at her again. Scared of what she might do if that happened.

Without even realizing it, Kensi found herself standing next to him. She hesitantly extended a hand towards his face, but stopped before touching him, afraid that she could hurt him somehow. He seemed so helpless lying there, and she couldn't help but think to the last time he had found himself in a similar situation, years ago, when he had been shot in the chest by some criminals that wanted to get to her. Sadness and guilt washed over her when she realized that this was the second time that he ended up in the hospital because of her. At the thought she choked back the tears and swallowed the lump in her throat: nobody was as important to her as this man, and she did nothing but keep causing him pain. It was unfair, and only more if she thought that she had never even given him a real proof that this suffering was worth it. She had never showed to him what she really felt, and it killed her that she might not have the chance to do it anymore.

She took a chair from the corner of the room and sat next to the bed. She looked at him in silence for some time, for a long time actually, praying to see him open his eyes, or to hear his voice. But nothing. The only sound that filled the room was the beeping of the machines he was connected to.

"Deeks?" She tentatively called him, a part of her hoping that somehow he could answer her, but right after she said his name, a quiet, sad chuckle left her mouth, as she realized how ridiculous that was. She let out a sigh and deviated her stare from his face, finding really hard to look at him in those conditions. Her eyes traveled down to stop at his unmoving hand, and she instinctively reached for it, covering it with hers.

"So, here we are again, uh? You just can't stay away from troubles..." She almost smiled while saying that, her mind flashing back to the hours she had spent sitting next to him and eating his jell-o, while waiting for him to wake up after being shot. She frowned, though, when she thought how unbearable she had considered his possible death even then, and it was nothing compared to how she was feeling now. She couldn't joke, not even with herself. Deeks had always been the one good at it, good at relieving the tension and lightening the mood with some joke at the perfect time. She had never been able to do it, and she couldn't start now. But at the same time, she realized that she couldn't even keep quiet. She wasn't doing it on purpose. Words just started flowing out of her mouth, without her even being aware of it.

"I know you can't hear me..." She started whispering. "Or at least, I think that you can't... I've never been really sure about how it works. Anyway, I don't care... I've spent months talking to you without you being able to hear me, or hearing your voice without you being there with me, but that doesn't make those words any less important. And here is the same... The only difference is that you are tangible now." She tightened her hold on his hand when she felt her eyes starting to burn. "The difference is that this time, when I'm begging you to stay with me, you are not an hallucination or a dream. You are real... And it only makes it more excruciating..."

She paused for a second and clenched her teeth. She was trying not to break, trying to fight the overwhelming contrasting feeling she was experiencing, but it seemed a losing battle. She knew she was basically talking to herself, but she was letting out for the first time things she had kept hidden for so long. Things so relevant and personal and intimate that, as she chose to go on talking, she realized that her control would soon slip away and she would be overpowered. But she didn't care. She didn't know why, but she couldn't stop. Maybe all she wanted was a moment of pure honesty with him.

"It's not fair... I just came back... I came back into your life and all I'm doing is hurting you. But in this moment, besides being angry at myself, I just can't stop thinking about one thing. That I'm angry at you... I'm so angry at you right now, because you promised you'd never do this. You promised me you were never going to get yourself killed, and this is the first time I'm really scared that you might break that promise..." Just like that, tears filled her eyes and her voice started wavering.

"I know I have no right to demand anything from you, but Deeks... you can't do this to me. You just can't... I couldn't bear it." She blinked and one tear trickled down her cheek, but she didn't even bother to wipe it away. She let it travel to the corner of her mouth, and she rapidly licked her lips, tasting its saltiness on her tongue.

"While I was there, everything around me was dark and evil and... painful. There was just so much pain, constantly, in all its forms. I came to realize what the expression "a living hell" truly means. And every single day I suffered more than I thought humanly possible... But through all these horrors, through all the hurt... I wasn't alone. You were always there with me..." Her chest tightened and she had to close her eyes, as keeping talking became harder by the second.

"I know I got out of your life during these months, but- but you were never out of mine. I remember... I remember when you told me what you had done while Sidorov tortured you. That thinking about me had helped you stop the pain. And in that moment, I couldn't believe it. I had seen what they had done to you, and I couldn't understand how that could be helpful. But I get it now, because I did the same. I couldn't escape it, but you somehow helped me go through the humiliation, the suffering, the torture. You were the only thing I had left, the only thing they couldn't take away from me."

Kensi reopened her eyes, and a sob left her mouth. It would be useless to try and choke it back, and she suddenly realized something: she realized that, probably, this was her final punishment. She had to pay for what had happened in Afghanistan, for what she was guilty of. The worst day of her life came back to her, and she heard again that terrified voice.

_"Help us, please..."_

She had done the exact opposite of helping them, and it was right that she paid, but not like this.

_Please... _She mentally started praying. _Not him. Anything but him. I know I have to pay, and I am paying. I am suffering every day because I deserve it. If it's still not enough, I'll gladly take my life, and if even that is not enough, or you think it wouldn't be a punishment but a relief, then I'll do anything is necessary. Anything. But please... spare him. Don't take him away from me. Please... Not him..._

As other tears were threatening to cascade down her face, she finally found the strength to turn and stare at him. Even if it was incredibly painful to see him like that, she wanted to look at him. To look at the face she had dreamt or imagined for months, the face she had focused on to avoid focusing on the pain and horror and monsters surrounding her. Her free hand joined the one that was already holding his. When she started talking again, her voice was completely broken.

"You have to wake up. You hear me, Deeks? I- I lost everything there. Everything, but you. Y-you... you are all I have left. I can't lose you too. You are the only thing that still makes sense in my life. If I lost you, I wouldn't know what to do. I went through that hell because I wanted to keep my country safe, my family and friends. I wanted to keep _you_ safe. I'm ok with that, and I would go through it again. If it meant keeping you safe, I would do it. Again and again. But losing you... losing you would mean that all I endured, all I- all I did, was in vain. And I couldn't stand that." She was having problems going on: her body was racked by silent sobs and her throat hurt because of the effort she was making to contain her crying. "L-losing you would break me definitively. I'm already struggling with finding a reason to keep living, but without you, it wo-would be over. You kept me alive there, and you're keeping me alive now... I can't do this without you. I don't want to. I lost so much, I don't wanna lose you too..."

She exhaled heavily and lowered her eyes. Tears were falling down her face, but her sobbing stopped. She was too worn out even for that. Instead she paused, and for a while silence surrounded her. She was aware only of how still his hand was between hers. She looked at the blonde agent again, and her voice toned down to a whisper.

"If you don't wake up, if I lose you... then I'm done. There is nothing left in my life, nothing worth living for. And I'm sorry that you don't know it." The crying brunette looked up at him again and, just as before, seeing that her irrational wish to find him awake and staring at her hadn't come true, only caused her additional pain.

"I'm sorry that you don't know how important you really are, how important you've always been. You're my best friend, and my partner, and much more than this, much more than words can explain, and I'm so sorry that I never told you when we had the chance to... to be happy. Because I don't know if I'll be happy ever again. I'm- I'm a mess, I'm the shadow of the person I was before, and I don't think I'll ever be the same, I don't think I'll ever be... enough. But what I'm sure of is that without you, I won't even have a reason to try... I know you didn't hear a word of all of this, but I needed to tell you, Deeks. At least once. I needed to tell you that I can't lose you, that I need you, that I... that..."

Kensi stopped, struggling to let the last words out of her mouth. It was absurd. She knew very well what she felt for him, she had no doubt about it, and yet she was finding really hard to say it out loud, even there, where nobody could hear her, where he couldn't hear her. She was stuck, and she cursed the trust issues that had damaged her so much. When it came to Deeks, even before Afghanistan, she had always had problems expressing what she really wanted to say, what she really thought. She remembered perfectly how, right before entering the trapdoor, in case she would survive the Taliban attack, she had vowed to never worry again about communication problems. But then she had been captured, everything had changed. And now she was even more closed off than before. She hated it. It was so frustrating. She wanted to say the truth for once. She wanted it so badly and at the same time she couldn't bring herself to do it. But then she realized it. Looking at him lying unconscious, in a hospital bed, risking to never wake up again, she realized that this might be the last chance she had, the chance to be honest about something she had been feeling for years now. The chance to be honest with him, but most of all with herself. She lifted his motionless hand, the hand she had never left ever since she had sat next to his bed, and, closing her eyes, she leaned forward and placed the softest of kisses on the back of it. It was such a brief contact, but to her it was endless and ever so intense. When finally her lips left his hand, she had decided. No fear, no hiding. Just a moment of pure honesty. She opened her eyes, let out a shaky breath, and then she just said it.

"I love you."


	18. Chapter 18

**Hi everybody, how are you? Sorry for taking so long with this update, but university is keeping me really busy, and I had my first exam as I told you last time, so I had to focus on that (it went well, by the way :D). Anyways, since last time my AN was basically a poem, I'll keep things short this time. Just know that I love every one of you, and your response to the last two chapters was utterly amazing. If every chapter had a similar response I think I could die happy XD. Seriously, I am grateful to have followers as awesome as you, so thank you thank you thank you. Oh, and I have to mention "sarcastic" Guest: you have no idea how happy and relieved I was to read your reply to my AN, because we were able to talk and discuss about our divergent opinions calmly and politely, and I wanted nothing more than that. So my special thanks this time goes to you. :)**

**Once again, even if a little late this time, here's the new chapter. I hope it will make up for the wait, and I certainly hope it will elicit a response as awesome as the one I got from the last chapter. :D**

**Chapter 18 Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

_They threw her back inside her cell, and Kensi collapsed face first on the ground. When she hit the floor, she landed full force on her broken wrist, and pain radiated up her entire arm, but she couldn't care less. It was just additional suffering, and she definitely preferred this pain to what she had just experienced. At least she was alone now._

_Another weekend was over, and she was destroyed. Every single part of her body hurt, she could barely see because her face was too bruised and swollen, and she was injured in so many places that she couldn't even understand where she was bleeding from. To her, it definitely seemed from everywhere. Lying there, while she struggled to breathe properly, she realized that she was shuddering, but not from the cold. From the disgust. She was disgusted by herself, by her body. A feeling of revulsion permeated her entire being, and she gagged. She would have thrown up if it hadn't required so much energy, energy that she absolutely lacked. She was so nauseated that she wanted to crawl out of her skin. There was nothing left of her, she was a piece of meat, and she couldn't stand to feel like that. Not again. Knowing that all this would soon happen again was even more unbearable: she would have to go through other five days with Crowe, five days of his sadistic games, then there would be another excruciating weekend. And then the same loop again, and again, and again._

_One tear trickled down her face, and she started slipping away. It was too much, she couldn't do it. Death was better. Much better, and she wanted it. She wanted to die._

_"You don't really want it, Kens... You're much tougher than this. You're my badass partner..." She frowned in confusion, when she heard that voice. It was really quiet and muffled, but at the same time extremely clear. She was well aware of her conditions, and she knew she was probably going crazy: she rationally knew there was nobody in the room with her, but that voice was so soothing and familiar... And then she realized it. He was back._

_Making an impossible effort, she rolled over to lay on her back and tried her best to open her eyes, hurting and swollen from all the beating. She smelled him first: that unmistakable scent, a mix of his cologne and the smell of sand and ocean. But then she saw him. Actually, it was only a blonde blurry figure, she could barely see his face, but she knew exactly who he was. And in that moment the smallest smile appeared on her face._

_"Hey..." A broken whisper left her mouth._

_"Hey, partner..." __It was him. She would recognize that voice anywhere._

_"I'm so happy t-to see you... I was so alone..." She barely managed to say. Even talking was painful._

_"I know, I'm so sorry. But I'm here now. Don't think about anything else. You can rest. No one will hurt you while I'm with you..." She tried to extend her arm to reach for him but it was too painful, and after barely lifting it, she immediately let it fall back on the ground. Her smile turned into a grimace of pain and tears filled her eyes. She had no reason to hold out against her anguish, so she just let it wash over her._

_"Deeks... Please, it's too much... I ca- I can't do this. I want it to stop. I want... I want to let go. I want to..."_

_"Shhh shhh. It's ok. I know it hurts, and I know that you're tired. But you can't give up, Kensi. You've been so brave, you can't give up now. If you let go, if you die, I cannot follow you... I cannot be with you..." That caused her to let out a sob. He was right: if she died, she would never see him again, not even like this. She didn't want to give up on him, but at the same time, it was impossible for her to live one more day like the one she had just experienced. She was reaching her limit._

_"It's hard... It's- it's too hard..."_

_"It's hard, yes, but you gotta hold on. Because that's who you are... You are Kensi Blye, you don't give up. Ever. It's one of the things that made me fall in love with you..." Those words for a second made her forget her real situation, and she suddenly was at his apartment, lying on his bed, with her heart threatening to burst out of her chest because he had just whispered to her that he was falling in love with her. That memory immediately warmed her heart: the best night of her life. She didn't know how else to describe it. The strongest memory she had, the one she had almost always clung to. She missed that night. She missed every moment spent with him._

_"I miss you so much..."_

_"You don't have to miss me. I'm right here with you... That's why you have to hold on. So we can stay together." She was becoming weaker by the second, but she didn't want to pass out. She didn't want to wake up and find herself alone again. She wanted to stay with him._

_"I'm... I'm scared. What if the pain becomes too much? I do- I don't know if I can take it m-much longer. I think... I will break." She saw him shake his head, and a smile appeared on his face._

_"You won't break. No one can break you. And if it becomes too much, then I'll be with you. I'll protect you. I'll take you away from it." The pain and the exhaustion were finally making themselves heard, and she had to fight against falling unconscious. But even as exhausted as she was, she managed to crack the smallest smile at his words._

_"R-really? You won't leave me alone?"_

_"Never. I will always be there next to you. I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. Even if you don't see me, I'll be there." Her smile widened, and her heavy lids for a moment closed over her eyes, but she immediately struggled to reopen them. She didn't want to leave him._

_"Oh, my stubborn partner... It's ok. Don't fight it... Just relax and close your eyes, I won't let anybody hurt you." Listening to his reassuring voice, her will to stay awake started faltering, and her tiredness took over._

_"Will you be here?" She muttered, but as everything around her became confused and fuzzy, his voice stayed surprisingly clear._

_"Of course. Rest now, and don't worry about anything. When you wake up, I'll be with you. I will never leave you, Kensi." His words were the last thing she heard before everything around her became black. All her strength left her and she finally fell unconscious._

_"When you wake up, I'll be with you..."_

Kensi opened her eyes, and the first thing that hit her was surprise. Yes, because for the first time in a really long time, she hadn't woken up with a start, and albeit feeling still exhausted, the usual terror and panic were completely missing. Instead, she was just feeling incredibly tired. Tired and good at the same time, because the discomfort she was experiencing tasted like normality. Her neck and back hurt like hell, though, like someone who's slept in a really uncomfortable position.

It was only then that she remembered where she was. She was so dizzy and her head was throbbing so much that for a moment she had forgotten: she was still in the hospital. She had never left. She had never left his room actually. She had sat next to him the entire day, hoping to see him open his eyes, and when a nurse had tried to make her leave, she had made very clear that the phrase 'visiting hours' didn't apply to her. So she had stayed there, and during the night, she couldn't remember when, she had eventually fallen asleep, with her head on the bed.

So now it was morning, her entire body was stiff, and when she tried to move her shoulders, it seemed like every single bone would crack in protest at the sudden movement. She let out a yawn and rubbed her eyes with her hand, in a failing attempt to wake herself up. Propping herself up on one elbow, she squeezed her eyes shut and rested her head against her hand, trying to fight the absurd throbbing in her temples. As soon as she closed her eyes, she felt sleep creep up on her, and she would have probably fallen asleep again, if the following event hadn't occurred.

"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty..."

Her eyes snapped open when she heard that voice. For a second she didn't move, too shocked to do anything. She couldn't have imagined it, she was awake, it wasn't a dream. So she lifted her head and turned to the side, only to find a pair of clear, deep, bright blue eyes staring right back at her. In that moment the shock froze her, and she just stared at him, with her mouth open and the stupidest look on her face.

"Good morning..." He said with a smile. Sleep was gone, completely. And even then, her brain took a moment to process what she was seeing, and the dumbfounded expression stayed on her face long enough for him to chuckle at her. His laugh was what finally shook her out of her trance, and after blinking repeatedly to make sure that she wasn't dreaming, she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

"Deeks... You're-you're awake." He just nodded, and when her mind finally wrapped around the fact that he was really awake and looking at her, that he wasn't dead, she let out a breath and squeezed her eyes shut to contain the tears. She couldn't believe it: for the first time, her prayers had been answered. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt happiness and relief fill her completely and with such intensity. She reopened her dark eyes, that despite her efforts were now reddened and watery. She didn't want to waste even a second: she wanted to lose herself in that blue ocean. In the end she hadn't lost everything. She still had him. The thought made her mouth arch up in what was a genuine happy smile.

"Yup. I'm awake and completely refreshed. More than a coma, it was like a beauty sleep, actually... There's only one thing that worries me, now." Smile gone, she frowned at that, suddenly concerned, and gave him an interrogative look. She was surprised to see a grin appear on his face.

"Not that I'm bothering or anything, it's actually kinda nice and sweet... but I think that if you tighten your grip even slightly more, the atrophy in my hand will be complete and irreversible..." She followed his line of sight and was amazed to find that her hand was still tightly holding his. She hadn't even noticed when she had woken up. When she realized it, she immediately released him, and even if she knew he was only playfully stretching his fingers, she diverted her eyes for a moment, feeling somewhat embarrassed.

"Ok, now that the blood is flowing again, you can go back to hold it if you want. Don't worry, I'll yell my safe word if I stop having sensitivity in my fingertips." Kensi looked back at him with her eyebrows raised. He was unreal: he had been shot, he had seriously risked death, and instead of taking things seriously he was here making silly jokes.

"You were... I thought that you would..." She struggled to find the words.

"I can't believe it. The doctor said that... The doctor!" She almost screamed, taking him aback. "You're awake, we have to tell him right now." She was about to get up from her chair to go look for Deeks' doctor, when he promptly stopped her.

"Hey hey hey, easy tiger. Where are you even going? Doc knows I'm awake. It's fine, I'm ok." She shook her head, totally lost.

"But- but that doesn't make any sense. I just woke up. There was no time to warn..." And then she stopped, mid-sentence, as the answer to her question suddenly dawned on her. By the look on his face, she quickly realized that what she thought was right, but she still asked, just to have confirmation.

"How long have you been awake?" He shrugged.

"Dunno. A few hours, maybe? Don't worry, the doctor already visited me and he said that everything looks fine. You'll just have to endure my presence for some more."

So, according to what the blonde agent was saying, he had woken up, a doctor had entered the room, had visited him, had talked to him, then had walked away, and she had stayed asleep the entire time.

"I didn't notice anything..."

"No. You were sound asleep. More asleep than a sleepyhead. In fact, for a moment I thought that you were the one who had fallen into a coma. Hey, maybe he should check you too. We should call him back. Wait, I think I got that remote thing somewhere near..."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" She interrupted him with a serious tone.

"You weren't getting in the doctor's way, and probably he realized that if you can fall asleep in that position, then you _really _need it. So..." He tried to laugh it off, but she wouldn't let him. There was more to this than what he was letting on, and she wanted to know. She hated being kept in the dark and she needed an explanation. She couldn't really understand why he wouldn't wake her, she wanted him to tell her the truth.

"Deeks... Why didn't you wake me up?" When he realized that she was dead serious about this, and that he couldn't simply joke around it, he bit his lower lip in nervousness, and after a moment of hesitation, he brought himself to say the truth.

"I didn't want to..." She narrowed her eyebrows in confusion and he, almost timidly, went on explaining. "When I woke up, I was terribly dizzy, and everything around me was a blur. It took me a while to become aware of my surroundings, but the first thing I noticed was that someone was holding my hand... So, I looked down, and I saw you. And you were so beautiful..." The way he said it, she felt blood rising to her cheeks. Speaking about her, he sounded like a man in the grip of a burning thirst someone had just offered water to. He awkwardly smiled, giving away how really embarrassed he was too. But he didn't stop. He forced himself to go on, and what he said later only made her blush a thousand times more.

"When I saw you there, I realized that, for the first time since you're back, you looked... peaceful. And just staring at you, seeing that there was no anguish on your face, but only calmness, a sudden calm washed over me too. I forgot I was in hospital, that I had been shot, and... I don't know, I just felt... good. In that moment, seeing you like that, I felt really good. Like I hadn't felt in ages. And I just- I didn't want to put a stop to it... Whatever 'it' was, I didn't want it to stop."

If she was struggling to find the words before, now she simply couldn't. She was frozen in place, too astonished, flattered, and also a little embarrassed by his words to react in any way. She tried, though. She repeatedly opened her mouth to try and say something, but she always stopped before making any sort of sound. It seemed like all she had thought about previously, everything she had wanted to say to him once awake, was now stuck in her throat, refusing to come out. She lowered her eyes and frowned: not only she felt ashamed, because she lacked the courage to do the one thing she had promised to do, to say what she really thought without fear. But she was frustrated too, frustrated with herself. Deeks, the one guy that had as many if not more problems than her at communicating had managed to say something like that, and she couldn't even find the strength to utter one single word.

"Don't worry, though. I'm sure this wellness I'm experiencing is only momentary. Soon all the symptoms will rush back and I will start behaving as the ultimate whiny patient. You'll have to be my personal nurse and comply to every single one of my requests." She met his eyes again, and saw them sparkle with playfulness. His cheeky smile was once again on his face, and she couldn't help but smile herself. She didn't know why his behavior still came as a shock to her: it was Deeks, he would always do that. Saying something really meaningful and then making a silly joke to lighten the mood at the perfect moment was his forte. And yet she couldn't cease to be amazed by him.

"Well, be careful what you wish for, Shaggy. Because if I were your nurse, my policy with head injuries would be to immediately shave the patient's head. Hair could hide very bad wounds, and we wouldn't want that..." Almost without noticing it, she found herself joking back, and her playful remark made him widen his eyes in a parody of a terrified expression.

"No! You wouldn't do that... That's a hit below the belt. That's serious misconduct, nurse Blye. I wanna speak with your superior. He needs to know that he has a nurse who goes around threatening patients who are just starting to recover. I'd rather have Elle Driver to tend my wounds, and that's saying." They both chuckled.

"Oh, yes. The crazy chick with one eye is definitely a more appropriate choice than you are. After all, if I'm not mistaken, the Bride in Kill Bill was shot in the head too..." At that, though, Kensi's smile faltered, and Deeks realized he had gone too far. He didn't know why, but from her expression it was clear that she didn't feel like playing around anymore. He couldn't know that with his joke about being shot, he had stirred all the terror and guilt she had been feeling for the last hours. They had gotten so close... She had gotten so close to losing him forever, and she couldn't drive the thought away. He had managed to distract her for a few minutes, but now everything was back full force.

A deep silence fell in the room for a while, until she decided to make the first move and spoke quietly. "How are you?"

From her voice, Deeks understood it immediately. This wasn't the moment for a playful answer. It was the moment to be serious. So he answered truthfully.

"I'm ok. Really. I told you, in the beginning I was a little dizzy, but now it's good. The doctor told me that I may experience headaches, but for now it seems under control."

"What about your..."

"My leg is fine too." He interrupted her, knowing what she was about to ask. "Sometimes I feel itchy because of the stitches, but other than that, it's fine. I'm ok." She slowly nodded, trying with all herself to believe that what he was saying was true. That he wasn't hiding any other pain just to protect her, that he was really fine. Because she couldn't have borne anything different.

"What about you, Kens?" He suddenly said. "How are you?" She hesitated and her eyes started wandering around the room. She wasn't comfortable with talking about how she was feeling. But on the other hand, he had answered to her question, it was only fair that she did the same. So, with great difficulty, she forced herself to look at him again and tried to sound as normal as possible.

"I'm- uh... I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? I mean, you're the one lying in the hospital bed, arent't you?" She shrugged, but the look on his face made her realize that her attempt had miserably failed. She had never been good at hiding anything from him.

"Before all... this, happened, I... I spoke with Hetty." When he said that, Kensi sucked in a breath and immediately stiffened, not comfortable at all with where this was going. She was afraid to know what her boss might have told the agent in front of her. "She told me you two did have the meeting, but you left."

"Yeah, I- uh... I'm sorry about leaving without telling you, but I had to... I just had to get out of there." She whispered, feeling the weight of the entire conversation she had had with Hetty crushing her again.

"Do you feel like talking about it?" He tentatively asked, knowing very well he was walking on thin ice. She bit the inside of her cheek and didn't answer. It was wrong: he was the one lying in a hospital bed, and he was wasting his energies worrying about her. She should have just made something up, or tried to change the subject, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't bring herself to lie to him.

"I know that something upset you, and it might help you talking about it. You can talk to me about everything, you know that, but if you don't want, it's ok..." The problem was that she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about it with him. There were times that all she wished for was to burst into tears in his arms and tell him everything that was torturing her, and other times when her walls lifted up around her because she felt she needed to be shielded from everything around her. And then there were moments like this: when she had absolutely no idea how she really felt.

There was silence between them, as she meditated on this. He patiently waited. And in the end, following the recent course of events, Kensi made up her mind and, trying to ignore the tightening in her chest, she decided that she at least owed him a try.

"We talked about... a lot of things. Me, NCIS, Afghanistan... You." He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I mean... you and I. What we had. Our..."

_"Our thing." She couldn't breathe. The icy water had turned into a myriad of needles pricking her face and her lungs were burning, begging for the air that was being mercilessly denied to them. She was trying really hard not to fight against the hand that was holding her down, keeping her head inside the water-filled bucket, rationally knowing that it would be useless. She focused on him, on his words, trying to save her strength, but she was growing weaker by the second. "Think about that. You have to hold on for our thing. If you give up, we'll never know what could have happened. Don't give up, Kensi..."_

_The pain in her lungs became unbearable. Logic turned into sheer panic and she became pure instinct. She started struggling and thrashing, in a desperate attempt to free herself from that iron grip. She couldn't think, she couldn't reason: all she knew was that she needed to breathe. She needed the sweet air that she had always taken for granted. Her body reacted on its own: she opened her mouth and sucked in a breath, but instead of the oxygen she wanted so much, she gulped down water, and liquid fire spread inside her lungs._

_The last thing she was aware of before she passed out was his voice._

_"Think about our thing..."_

"...our partnership." She couldn't bring herself to say it. It belonged in the past, bringing it up was just painful.

"And she told me... She told me the real reason why she sent me there." She was almost whispering now, and the cuticles on her fingers were begging mercy.

"She- she told you. And what is it?" She just gave him an eloquent look. There was no reason to do more than that, because deep down he had always known, just like she had. And still, the impact of the revelation was not any less brutal. She saw it in his eyes: the shock, the anger, the sadness. The playful Deeks from minutes ago was gone, to be replaced by another man, darker, who was clenching his teeth impossibly hard to contain his rage.

"For eight months, I kept telling myself that there was a different reason. That Hetty couldn't have done this to us just because of the events of that day. Because of one single mistake. I racked my brains to find an explanation. What an idiot, to believe that our boss actually cared about us..."

"Deeks, don't be like this. She couldn't possibly know this would happen. It's not her..."

"You're defending her?!" She was shocked when his voiced raised to the point that he was almost yelling. "Out of all people, you! You who should be the most furious one. Because of this, you went through hell. Because of this a mad monster held you captive for eight months and he..."

"You think I need to be reminded that, Deeks?" Kensi hissed, and he returned to his senses and immediately realized the enormity of his mistake. When he saw that her eyes were shining with unshed tears, he himself felt like a monster.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorr..." His tone was much quieter now, and he had to stop himself because he didn't want his voice to break. He extended his arm towards her, but right before touching her, he changed his mind and let his hand fall next to hers, as if he thought she would retreat from him. "I don't know what came over me. I shouldn't have lashed out like that. I know it's not an excuse, but I'm just so angry. I over reacted, but having the confirmation that you went through that hell because of something that I..." He stopped abruptly and he looked away from her. But when she saw his face, she realized that his burst of anger had little to do with Hetty: he was so upset because he felt guilty about what had happened to her. He couldn't even touch her or look at her in the eyes. That's exactly what she was fearing, that was the reason she had left without telling him about this. She knew he would blame himself.

"Can you forgive me?" Instead of answering him, she hesitantly moved her hand towards his. When it lightly covered his hand, he went back to stare at her, surprised by the unexpected touch, and in that moment she simply nodded. It was like someone had turned the light back inside of him.

"Just don't get too upset again." She asked him. "You were still shot in the head, let's try to avoid anything that could cause possible complications..." He cracked a smile.

"You know I'm a thickhead..." He slipped inside their conversation one simple joke, to loosen the tension, but then he went back to being serious. He had no intention of dropping this matter. "But ok. Don't worry... If you still want to, you can keep telling me. I promise you I won't lash out."

"Fine..." Kensi agreed, and with no less difficulty than before, she went on talking.

"Anyway... I was the one who actually brought up this matter. She wanted to see me because of something else. She... wanted to discuss about my job." From the way he shifted in the bed, Kensi understood that Deeks was nervous too. She remembered that, even when Hetty called her to organize the meeting, he had seemed nervous too. Probably he had already figured out what all this was about. "She wants me to start thinking about whether or not I want it back..." She paused for a second and focused solely on his reaction. From the understanding look he was giving her, she realized that he knew what she was feeling, that she didn't even need to explain that she wasn't sure about anything. He had already experienced what she was going through.

"Actually, she wants me to think about whether or not this job still makes sense, and it's... it's probably even..."

"Even harder to find an answer to this." He completed the sentence for her, confirming her theory about him knowing what she was talking about.

"Loving your job so much that you feel incomplete without it, but being afraid to go back to it because it caused you to suffer more than you thought possible? Yeah, it's a special kind of hell." Kensi couldn't have said it better. He had expressed what she was feeling perfectly, but still she couldn't see a solution to her problem and, even if it was Deeks she was talking to, talking about this was making her nervousness increase. She passed a hand through her hair and let out a sigh. Lost. That's how she was feeling. Completely and utterly lost.

"Deeks, I don't know what to do..." She eventually whispered, her eyes trailed down on their hands. "I don't even know what to think or feel. How... How did you do it?"

"I... tried to be honest with myself. I sat down and started thinking about it. I thought about all the years spent in the LAPD and those spent at NCIS. I thought about all the pain that this job had caused me, but then I also thought about the good I had done thanks to it, especially during my time at NCIS. I thought about the people that I saved, and... the people that I met. And I realized..." He slowly turned his hand and wrapped his fingers around her hand. That pushed her to meet his stare. It was by looking into his eyes that she understood the hidden meaning behind his following words. "I realized that I had good reasons to go back to work."

Kensi bit her lower lip and let out a silent breath. She was back to more than a year ago, when he had revealed to her that she had been his safe haven against the pain of his torture. Another confession, just as important and shocking: she had been one of the reasons he had come back to work. And deep in her heart, she knew that he would be her reason, if she ever chose to go back. But, opposite to him, she had difficulty to admit it.

"It helped, you know? Being honest with myself, I mean... Maybe it could help you too." He was trying. Kensi could see that he was subtly trying to get her to open up. And she was scared, because she wasn't ready to let everything out. She could barely deal with talking about the meeting with Hetty, but now that she could see where this conversation was going, she could feel her walls starting to lift up again. She flashed him a fake smile and pretended she hadn't seen the sadness that appeared on his face. She couldn't deal with additional guilt.

"You should rest, Deeks. I better go..." She didn't even try to sound convincing. She was going to get up, when his hand tightened around her wrist, holding her.

"Don't do this, Kens. Please... Don't run away..."

She wasn't listening to him, though. She was frozen, focused on the grip around her wrist. Her heartbeat quickened and cold fear invaded her. For a second she closed her eyes, hoping it could help her control her rising panic, but instead it only increased it, as awful memories threatened to overpower her, and she immediately reopened them. She was only vaguely aware that Deeks had let her go, as soon as he had realized what was going on. He was calling her now, but his voice was muffled, distant, and she understood that her mind was betraying her, that she was losing contact with reality. She didn't want it: she didn't want flashbacks, she didn't want to remember what they had done to her, so she started taking deep, long breaths, in the attempt of calming herself. She forced herself to keep her eyes open and she let them wander around, taking in every detail to make sure in her mind that she was still in the hospital. And then she sat her stare first on Deeks' worried face, and then on his hand, repeating to herself that it was him. He would never hurt her. There was nothing threatening in that touch. No violence or perversion. It was just Deeks, she was safe.

Once that was clear in her head, she slowly started putting herself together, and after one more minute of simply breathing, her heart calmed down and she was in control again. It was only then that she allowed herself to acknowledge the anxiety on Deeks' face. If she was now calmer, on the other hand there was panic in his eyes.

"Kensi?" His voice mirrored his worried look.

"Good..." She mumbled, and then she cleared her throat to try to steady her voice. "I'm good..."

"I'm so sorry... I don't know what I was..."

"It's fine." Kensi immediately interrupted him. It wasn't his fault, she didn't want his apologies. "It's passed. I'm ok, now."

"No... You're not." His whispered words made her frown. She gave him an interrogative look, and after a moment of hesitation, he sighed and went on.

"This is what I was talking about... You can't run away. What happened now only proved it. You can try, but you won't succeed, and you will end up suffering even more than you are right now. Trust me, I know it." She wanted to reply, but she couldn't. She didn't know how. Every word said was true.

"I get it if it's still too soon, but at a certain point you will need to face... this. You know it more than I do. I tried to avoid what was bothering me and I ended up isolating myself from everyone. Well, that's until a nosy brunette showed up at my place with Korean and a cronut as old as Betty White." A timid smile appeared on her face, but soon everything else got the best of her and sadness filled her eyes again.

"I don't want you to make my same mistake... I'm here for you, for anything. And I also know that dealing with everything at once is impossible. Maybe you should try one thing at the time..."

"What if even one thing is unbearable?" She finally found the courage to whisper. At that Deeks paused, trying to think to what to say that could be helpful.

"It will be anyway. But maybe it will be less unbearable if you share it with someone. With... me." Kensi swallowed heavily, trying to reason. She passed a hand through her hair and lowered her eyes. The pleading look he was giving her was making her tear up, and she didn't want him to notice. It was so hard: this wasn't like numbly retelling the events of her captivity, like she had done with Vance, or tiptoeing around the truth like she had done with her mother. This was about letting out how what she was feeling, her turmoil, her fears. Honesty. That's what Deeks was asking from her. She knew there were some things that she couldn't tell him, that she would never be able to tell him, but for him, she realized that she could at least try to start somewhere. She could give him a moment of honesty. And that's what she did. Mustering her courage, she started from the finish, from the newest event that had upset her, and with a shaky voice she forced herself to answer to him.

"You saw what happened... You did something so stupid and- normal, as grabbing my wrist and I freaked out. I... I almost had a flashback." A shudder ran down her spine as she thought about what memories that touch had stirred. "I had to use all my strength to maintain control. And it was you, damn it! It was you... Shaggy. Beach boy. Deeks. The person... the person I trust the most in the world." For a brief moment she met his eyes, almost to check his reaction, before looking away again.

"The simple touch of someone I trust so much made me react like this... With the job we do... how can I go back to that if I freak out even with you?"

"So you don't want to go back?"

"No. It's not that... I'm not even- I don't know what..." She tried to explain what she was thinking.

"It's not an attack, I just want to be sure that I understand." She looked at him shocked and then vigorously shook her head. How could he even think that she would take his concern for an attack.

"No, of course. I know it's not. But..." She frowned and clenched her teeth. She was tempted to close her eyes but she stopped. She had decided to try so she would try. She forced herself to keep her eyes on him, and she strangely realized that looking at him were instilling a new courage in her.

"But I'm not ready, Deeks. I'm not... And at the same time I don't want to give up on it. It's a part of me, and I..." Her chest tightened and she had to make an effort to not make her voice crack. "And I've already lost too much of myself." When she said that, Kensi saw Deeks' lip almost quiver and her heart broke when she realized that her confession was almost making him cry. It was always heartwrenching to see him like this, especially because it was so far from the funny, bright Deeks she was used to. She hesitated, but he just nodded at her, encouraging her to go on.

"I am an Agent. It's in me. If you asked me to describe myself I'd say that I'm Kensi Blye, Special Agent of NCIS. It's true, I entered NCIS because I wanted to avenge my father, but then it became so much more than that. I found a family, a place where I felt like I was home, I found y-" She stopped before finishing that sentence. Her frustration grew: she had admitted something so much more important to herself while he was unconscious, and now she had difficulty even to say that she was lucky to have found him. That's how damaged she was. No matter how hard she tried, a part of her couldn't stop linking NCIS and everything related to it, including Deeks, to what she had experienced in captivity. When she started talking again, there was darkness in her eyes.

"But I was... I was also held captive for eight months because of that job. Crowe did what he did to me because I was an NCIS Agent. He was very clear about it. If I had been a simple soldier or a marine, he would have killed me right after he and the others... uh, he would have basically killed me right away."

"And you would have preferred that..." She didn't say anything, but that silence gave him a pretty eloquent answer anyway. "They hurt you so much that you wish they had killed you..."

"Not in the beginning..." Kensi clearly heard the despair and anger in his voice, and, unable to stand it, she tried to comfort him. But she couldn't completely lie to him either, and say that she hadn't wished for death at one point. "In the beginning I was very determined to stay alive, to resist, and one of the reasons for that was that I was an Agent. Crowe... He would taunt me about it, he would mock my loyalty and my tenacity, but I knew that deep down it was driving him crazy. He couldn't deal with the fact that, no matter what he did, he couldn't break me." For a moment a bit of pride resonated in her voice, but as quickly as it appeared, just as quickly it dissolved, as she thought of all the consequences of her stubborness. "But my endurance only pushed him to find new ways to... hurt me, to try to b-break me. It was only then that I decided that maybe it would have been better if I... if I had simply died in that explosion."

In the end her voice was barely a whisper full of shame. She had lowered her eyes, she couldn't even look at him, but when he cleared his throat she looked up and a lump formed in her throat: Deeks' face was contorted in an expression of pain, his jaw was tightly clenched and his eyes were red.

"They- they really hurt you that bad..." She saw him shake his head, like he was trying to process what she had revealed. "To make you wish you had died... God, I can't... I mean, I saw the- the marks on your feet, but..." He stopped, and it took her a moment to understand that it was because of the sad smile that had appeared on her face, smile that she hadn't even realized was there.

"What?" He asked worried. She just answered: it made no sense to try to avoid his question and deny the evidence.

"The marks on my feet. Those marks... Deeks, those marks were a game for Crowe. Just a game. That wasn't the real... torture. He did worse." Her right hand instinctively went to cover her left shoulder, where the scar from the drill was. By his look, Kensi realized thst he hadn't missed the movement, and she shook her head before he could say anything.

"He did worse..." She wasn't talking about her feet anymore. "And before you ask, I don't wanna talk about this, so please don't try, ok?" He opened his mouth to protest, but he suddenly changed his mind and didn't say anything. Instead he tightly shut his eyes and his hand went to rub them. She hated this situation: he was injured, he had risked to die, he was still in hospital and she was doing nothing but upsetting him. She could see that he was trying to keep it together, and it was only after inhaling heavily that he opened his eyes.

"I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through something so horrific that you wanted to die, but what I can't tell you is that I'm sorry that your wish didn't come true. I cannot say that. I'd take your place immediately if I could, I swear to God, but even if it tears me to pieces that you suffered so much, I can't help but be happy and grateful because you survived. Because this is reversible, death is not." Her thoughts went to the day she had damned her soul and darkness descended upon her.

"Not everything is reversible..." She said with a low voice.

"You are wrong, Kens. This is. I know it seems extremely hard, or even impossible now, but it can get better. You are here, and this by itself is a miracle to me. So I'm sorry, but I will never be sorry that you didn't die there." His voice, so strong and determinednwhile he said those words, suddenly became quieter, and she recognized a hint of sadness and resignation in it. "Of course, at the same time I get it. I get it if you think this job doesn't make any sense to you anymore. No one can blame you if you want to get as far away from it as possible."

"But it's not like that." When she said that, Deeks tilted his head interrogatively. He had thought that her entire speech meant that she didn't want to go back being an Agent.

"It's exactly what you said before. You just found the right words for what I was feeling but didn't know how to express... I'm scared. I'm scared to go back because that job put me in this situation, and as I told you, now I'm not ready. Hell, I'm not even physically ready. While I was running here my lungs almost exploded, so you get that with what is required from us, this is a problem." She paused for a moment, focused on destroying her lower lip. Her eyes wandered around before she set them again on his face, and after swallowing heavily, she went on.

"But I'm incomplete without this job. And I'm not just talking about being an Agent. Being part of NCIS means much more than that. I'm not just an Agent, I'm... I'm your partner."

"Kensi..." He started when he heard that her voice was cracking, but she stopped him.

"No, just let me finish, ok?" She cleared her throat, but the lump was still there. "I'm your partner. Our partnership has always been different from the others, it... it trascended our job, but right now let's stick to that. You back me up, I back you up. That's how we roll. And what happened yesterday... you know what was the first thing I thought when they told me you had been shot?"

"No, Kens. It's not your..."

"It is." She interrupted him, and her eyes filled with tears. "I wasn't there to have your back and you almost died... And I almost died with you." She looked down, and when she squeezed her eyes, one tear fell on her hand. "You were almost killed because you didn't have a partner, so it's my fault."

"Look at me." The severity of his voice made her look up and meet his eyes. She found herself thinking that his stare had never looked so intense before. "It is not your fault. Don't try to say anything, don't try to take the blame. You have nothing to do with what happened to me. It's not like Hetty didn't try to partner me up with every other NCIS agent during these months. I am the one who wanted to be alone. What happened is my responsibility."

"Why?" Deeks frowned at her question, and Kensi explained. "Why did you want to be alone?" She saw the hesitation in his eyes, hesitation this close to result in fear, but he found the courage to continue, saying exactly what she suspected.

"Because all the people Hetty introduced me to... they weren't my partner. And if I couldn't have her, I didn't want anyone else."

"And you still say that I have nothing to do with this..." He opened his mouth to protest, but in the end he didn't say anything, not really knowing how to reply. "I know how you feel, because that's exactly I would feel if the situation was reversed. Even after Dom died, in the beginning I hated the idea of having a new partner. And we weren't even that close. With you... I couldn't stand it. Like you said... I'd rather be alone. So that's how I know that what happened is my responsibility too. And I couldn't deal with the thought of you being in danger because of me."

"Ok, I get it. But Kens, you can't even force yourself to do something you don't want to because you are scared for me. If I get into trouble, that's on me. It's not your job to protect me."

"Instead that's exactly what it is." She almost snapped, but then she stopped and looked away. She let out a short breath, and Deeks was surprised to see the hint of a smile appear on her face for the briefest moment.

"God, it was so obvious..." She whispered to herself, as a sudden clarity washed over her. When she set her gaze on him again, everything was much clearer. "Ever since Hetty called me into her office to discuss my job, this idea had always been in the back of my mind, like a blurry image. Something that I couldn't really put my finger on but I knew was there and I knew was important. It took for you to be shot and almost die to realize it... Yes. My answer is yes. This job still makes sense. Exactly because of that. Because when I'm an NCIS Agent, I am your partner." She wasn't just saying those thing to Deeks, she was especially being truthful with herself. "That job gives me a purpose. Protecting my country is a high cause, of course. And it's honorable and important. It's one of the things I'm proud of the most about being an Agent. And what I... what I endured was for that. The country is the priority in this job, yes... But it's also just an idea. It's a concept, it's not tangible and... and it's not _my_ priority."

"So, what is it?"

Kensi stopped. She was venturing in uncharted territories. She had never been this honest with him, and she didn't know if she was ready. Far was the confidence and boldness of the previous day, when she had revealed to him while he was sleeping what she really felt. Could she really expose herself that much and say what she really thought? She found the answer in those blue eyes. Kind, honest, not judging. Eyes that showed that he knew exactly what she was meditating on, and that were encouraging her. Telling her that he had done the same, and there was nothing to fear. It was just him and her. She could do it. So she followed the advice.

"Do you really need me to say it? What do you think? Why do you think I held on for so long while I was there? I wanted to protect our country, yes, but after some time that wasn't enough to keep me going. That's when you came into play, Deeks. I resisted for you. Giving them information would have meant the possibility of you being in danger, and I couldn't have lived with that. Just like I wouldn't be able to do it now. You say that I don't have to worry about you, but I can't help it. This job is so important because I'm there to protect you. And at the same time I know that you are there to protect me. Do you think I could settle for anything less then this? Do you think any other job could be enough after what this one meant to me?"

After having let all that out, she paused to take a deep breath, and her face clouded over. She had admitted what she was feeling, yes, but that didn't solve her problem. She looked down into her lap. When she spoke again, her voice was full of sadness and barely above a whisper.

"So I'm stuck. Because I want this job back. I want... I want what we had, I want it so much. But I can't have it. I'm not the person I used to be. And even telling you this... it's an act of selfishness. I'm just getting you involved in this mess, when you deserve much more..."

"Kensi, I decide what I deserve and what I want to get involved in. You have to stop feeling guilty about everything. I am the one who wants to stay here and..."

"But you shouldn't." She cut him off and tears filled her eyes. "I'm- I'm broken, Deeks. Being next to me means getting dragged into the darkness, and I don't want that for you."

"There is no darkness around you, Kensi..." But she shook her head, and her voice cracked even more.

"You don't know, you don't know what I've become... They changed me. They... they bent me and twisted me until there was nothing left of me. You c-cannot want this. I don't even know who I am anymore..."

"I know who you are." Suddenly with the corner of her eye she saw that he had lifted from the bed, and was about to tell him not to tire himself out, when something made her keep her mouth shut. Always keeping it in her line of sight, she saw him slowly extend his hand towards her, reaching for her face. His movement was deliberately slow, to give her the time necessary to choose whether to accept his touch or not. She didn't move, and when his hand finally went to gently cup her face, she didn't feel the fear she had experienced before. Instead she abandoned herself completely to that touch, and didn't make any resistance when he lightly moved her head to make her look at him.

"You are Kensi. You're my partner. You are the strongest person I know. And you are not broken. I know you think you are, but it's not true." He let out a shaky breath before going on, showing that he was having troubles talking too, but his internal struggle didn't take away the firmness and determination from his voice.

"I don't know what they did to you while you were there, I don't know what happened. But I see the effect it had on you, the effect it's still having. I see you are suffering, and it makes me... Do you really believe I would be able to give up on you? I just got you back. But I see that a part of you is still there. Stuck, like you said. And I understand it." He rapidly blinked a couple of times, and Kensi realized that it was his attempt at holding back tears. "You have become used to- to the pain, and you have convinced yourself that there is no way out, but it's not like that. You can get past this pain, and find yourself again. If there is one person that can do this, that's you. I know it."

One tear trickled down her face. She couldn't believe how much he was trusting in her. Everything he had said was true. She did feel like there was no way out, like she would never be whole again. But while he was sure that she could overcome all this, she didn't have this certainty. After all, he didn't know the most important thing about what had happened during her captivity, but she couldn't tell him that. Even if she was slowly starting to open up to him, revealing that was out of the question. She wasn't ready for him to hate her.

"It's not... It's not that easy, Deeks. What happened there is... Things were done to me, but I- I did things too. I did things that... there's no way back from that."

"There is always a way back, even if now you don't see it. Maybe it will be hard, maybe it will be painful, but you will get through this. And I'll be with you. Even if you push me away, I'll never leave you. I'll be there if you need me. For anything. You have to be sure about this."

She was sure. She wasn't sure she deserved him, but she couldn't doubt him. And she loved him. For his selflessness, for trusting so much in her and for being so trustworthy, for his incorrigible hope, for being so determined to not giving up on her when she knew everyone else would have already done that long ago.

"You won't abandon me..." She whispered, and he shook his head, a small smile on his face.

"You'll get through this." He repeated softly. "We will do it. Together..."

Looking into his eyes, knowing she would have this wonderful man by her side, even if she had done nothing to deserve him, for the first time since she had come back she started thinking that maybe it was possible. That maybe it was possible to get out of the darkness and maybe, _maybe_, even to make amends for her sins. For the first time since she couldn't even remember when, a new feeling invaded her: hope.

She raised her hand and placed it on his, still on her face, and their fingers interwined instinctively. Even with her eyes still glistening, the smallest smile appeared on her face to match his, and she answered.

"Together..."


End file.
